I think I have stopped loving my son (who is 11)...

[23Bailey]

I feel like many of you will hate me for this...

DS is 11... He is in Secondary School...

He is an absolute pain in the arse. I get 5 phone calls a day from school (each lesson) telling me all the things he has done - swearing, being rude, insulting teachers, insulting pupils, throwing things. It's really beginning to get to me. I tell him off/I take his gadgets away/I have tried the softer approach/the stricter approach; nothing works.

I go in for a meeting once a week. For them to just tell me how awful my son is to teach and how awful he is to be around. I feel like a total shot mother. I'm trying, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He hits people/starts fights... He has been excluded 8 times in Yr 7, already. They have told me numerous times that he is close to going to a unit. He couldn't give two shits. He isn't nice to me, he hits me, says I'm a shit mum and sometimes wishes me dead. He pushes over his baby sister, calls her names, etc. She's only 2. It's getting ridiculous... I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him. Then school nurse referred to CAMHS, he was assessed for ADHD, and a few other things. He is fine. He started therapy (CBT) but was so rude to her, she refused to see him.

I'm at my wits end, he's literally a horrible little boy. I'm sorry but he is making everyone's lives horrible. Children are refusing to come into school because they are scared of him hurting them, etc.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[Lightbulbon]

Go to social services and tell them what's going on especially the impact it is having on your dd.

They have a duty to protect her and atm she is being exposed to a toxic environment and living with someone who is abusive.

Child to adult domestic abuse is still domestic abuse.

They will do a thorough assessment, talk to everyone involved- school, health visitor, gp, dad, camhs and come up with a recommendation for action.

Respite foster care might actually be a good idea to see how he behaves in a different environment. However this is expensive and won't be the first thing they'll try, but their involvement should speed up the process.

[randomer]

All I can suggest is you take some time away from this...I'm talking an afternoon or a morning.
Consider your options. What support can you access? Calmly arrange a meeting with the responsible person at school. Try to leave emotion out of this and take a friend with you. You need some sort of pathway through this. Start logging what is going on...meetings you attend...is there any pattern to his behaviour?
Try not to focus on everybody else being a good mum....because this simply isn't true.
Can you involve his Dad...even if its just basic taking him out so you get a break
Go back to the GP....that just isn't good enough.

[heavenlypink]

School should be working with you to find a solution and ringing you after every lesson is totally unprofessional and is probably 'feeding' his behaviour. They have suggested a unit - go with it. As others have said it will be smaller classes with staff experienced and trained in dealing with the issues he is having and they will hopefully find answers you (and he) need to move forward.

[Nanny0gg]

But I don't blame the school. My son is a nightmare,

I do. He's been failed by people in the best place to obtain help and support for him. They've just thrown up their hands and said they can't cope. I don't blame the individual teachers, but there should have been visits from the Ed Psych and referral to specialists.

If they can get him to a unit, please don't worry about the number of GCSEs he may or may not get. It's the best place for him now.

But please, get help. See your GP, get SS involved. And be kind to yourself. You're the only one who's stood by him, you're doing a wonderful job.

[bigbuttons]

love this ----if I were in your position I would pull him out of school and let him go to the unit, as it isn't fair on the other children who are in his class.
is a thoughtless and ignorant comment. Do you really think it is that easy? There is no money for units. Councils will fight tooth and nail to keep children in mainstream because they don't want to pay for expensive units.

[peacheshoney]

I think he will eventually be diagnosed with a personality disorder.I gave a cousin from a lovelt home who was exactly like this.

[RufusTheReindeer]

I have got absolutely nothing useful to say

But i did just want want to say how sorry I am that you are all going through this and i really hope that someone can help you

[tangerino]

No advice- I agree with the posters above about getting further support- but just wanted to pass on some good wishes. It sounds a really tough situation and I hope you get the help you need x

[RufusTheReindeer]

I went through a stage of not loving my daughter when she was about 5 to 8 (not all the time) if i could have put her into care i would have so i know how shitty "not loving your child" can feel

[pippishortstockings]

You haven't stopped loving your child you are just at the end of your tether at the moment.
CAMHS have let you down. CBT obviously wasn't the correct approach and he can't engage with it.They should be supporting you to manage his behaviour and supporting your relationship with your son. I also think he needs re-assessing-something is wrong be it emotional or neurological.

Education are also letting you down. Never mind his GSCE results-he will be unemployable if he grows up behaving like this. Its always possible to make up exams later but if this unhappiness and difficult behaviour persist he will be in big trouble as an adult.

He needs to go to a specialist unit where there is a low ratio of staff to pupils and they can work closely with him.

His Dad and your family are letting him down-you're the only one on his side. You can't do much about that but know that you are a good mother

[pippishortstockings]

PS resources are limited-get an advocate to help you with both education and health.

[KittyKrap]

There was an article in a trashy mag (Chat or TaB) the other week about a child like yours. The mum was at the end of her tether, he threatened her, swore and was violent and told her he'd kill any baby she had - she ended up getting sterilised. As far as I can remember the boy ended up on medication (Ritalin ?) and was a lot better, not perfect but a lot calmer. I hope you get some help soon, sounds like you've had a shitty time of it all round

[Disabrie22]

It sounds like attachment and maybe some autistic traits? I am full of sympathy for you - have you tried talking to the LEA?

[FrancesNiadova]

OP,
Get to the GP & insist that they assess your son's mental health for schizophrenia & also refer for full autistic spectrum assessments.
Units tend not to be for permanent referrals in the first instance. The units have a zero tolerance on bad behaviour, everyone is trained in how to properly restrain a child having a behavioural crisis. He will get away with nothing in a unit & you will see him change at home. If he has an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, the unit will be used to spotting those children and speedily getting support.
Time at a unit tends to be part time, or full time for a few weeks then part time. The unit aims to re-integrate children into mainstream education as soon as possible.
So, get ds to the gp.
Talk to school about a unit referral.
Oh & FWIW, for you to stick by your son, getting next to nothing from his father, not giving up on him & trying to get the best for him, I think that you do love him. You're an amazing mum & you must love him very much.

[Blue2014]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Can I just mention that I seriously doubt this is schizophrenia (it's something I know quite a bit about without outing myself) be very cautious about raising that as a suggestion as that label really sticks (I've seen no evidence in your posts that he would have this). It's also probably worth mentioning that personality disorder is extremely rare in people without a trauma or poor attachment history.

I would also go to the local authority - it's a lot to cope with on your own. (And his dad isn't helping!)

[ImNotThatGirl]

You've been given good advice from various people but I just wanted to advise that you need some support for yourself too. If a health visitor is involved, s/he would be a good place to start as they may know where you can access emotional support. I would also suggest seeing your GP. This is clearly so hard on you too. My heart goes out to you.

[randomer]

btw consistency is vital....nbot being pinged about between various agencies and helpers

[mix56]

I feel so very sorry, this is so hard for you on every level.
You really mustn't worry about his gcse, there is no guarantee he gets any in a standard establishment, although you haven't said if his school work is passable or if he does any work at all ?
Even if he had the exams, if he/you don't get any help with comportment, getting a job won't be simple. & there are so many other options available, The trades & artisan work go thru a technical college type training.
In view of the counting, I wondered if he is good a maths? could you give him something maths based, or chess, or Sudoku, & see if he was interested ?
In any event, punishments as they stand aren't working, so you might as well try an alternative.
You must follow the advise above, as currently you are still stronger than him, but it won't last, also the hideous hormones are soon going to be kicking in, & things may even get worse. (sorry)
Don't give up, this is NOT you failing, it is a mental health issue, keep battling for help, write to your MP, anything that can get you the help you so clearly need & don't take "No" for an answer. Tell the GP the full brutal truth, & don't listen to "a bit lively". discuss it with the school, SS, anyone you can.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Great sympathy for your situation.💐
Don't understand why school contacts you 5 times a day, you must be dreading those phone calls and unable to concentrate on anything else. What do they expect you to do?
You could ask see a second GP, 'lively' hardly covers the situation. You son must be very angry and unhappy.
A unit or a different school might be a better place for your son, does he or you even want him to stay in that school? Ask plenty of questions about any unit or school place offered.
I was told in my son's exclusion hearing at 14 that he would be able to take exams at the unit. He coped very well there and they were pleased with his progress and improvement in behaviour. At a parents' evening I asked about exams and was told they didn't offer them there. Someone had 'mis-spoke' at the exclusion hearing.












day.

[23Bailey]

Thanks all for the replies, I will read them all.

The unit is just like a school, he will actually be gone less hours, as they think that helps.

It won't help us... I will be at work and DD at nursery. Where will he be? What an awful morning, he woke me up with throwing water all over me and DD, which is unfair on her as I have now had to bath her to warm her up. He has smashed the downstairs TV. He has threatened to beat me up. He isn't nice. He cannot join any clubs, he was removed from Cubs, football, etc because he is too nasty.

[23Bailey]

Academically he is good. He was in top set for everything until his behaviour got to the point where they couldn't deal with it and put him in with the children who have SEN, which isn't fair on them, they don't need my son being an irritant around them! DS now doesn't get the work he needs either, but they said it's better for him to be in the room that only has 6 children and 2 teachers

[Brokenbiscuit]

OP, I have no wise words of advice as I have no experience or special expertise that is relevant.

I just want to express some support, and to say that you don't sound like a bad mum at all. It sounds like you're doing everything in your power to try to improve the situation. You must be absolutely exhausted, and perhaps you feel like you have nothing left to give.

I agree with others that you need professional help with this. I feel that you have been very badly let down by the school and by your GP, not to mention your family. You shouldn't be left to struggle alone with this. There are some good suggestions here about how you might be able to access some better support, both for your son and for yourself.

It may be very difficult to like your son at the moment, but if you didn't really love him, you wouldn't still be around for him. You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself.

Even if you can't see a way forward right now, you will get through this somehow.

[23Bailey]

They haven't suggested a unit - they will not put him in the unit until he is expelled, as that's when they get referred

[CodyKing]

Have you called the police?

It's a serious question because they also have powers - not so much thinking of a criminal record - but a paper trail to help you get help.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I wouldnt worry about the average gcse pass only being 3 in the unit.

You say he's bright, if he's engaged he may do well. He won't do well in a good school if he's getting sent out of lessons all the time.

Even if he doesn't do well at gcses getting his behaviour sorted is more importsnt. He won't get a job if he behaves like this even with fantastic results.