I think I have stopped loving my son (who is 11)...

[23Bailey]

I feel like many of you will hate me for this...

DS is 11... He is in Secondary School...

He is an absolute pain in the arse. I get 5 phone calls a day from school (each lesson) telling me all the things he has done - swearing, being rude, insulting teachers, insulting pupils, throwing things. It's really beginning to get to me. I tell him off/I take his gadgets away/I have tried the softer approach/the stricter approach; nothing works.

I go in for a meeting once a week. For them to just tell me how awful my son is to teach and how awful he is to be around. I feel like a total shot mother. I'm trying, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He hits people/starts fights... He has been excluded 8 times in Yr 7, already. They have told me numerous times that he is close to going to a unit. He couldn't give two shits. He isn't nice to me, he hits me, says I'm a shit mum and sometimes wishes me dead. He pushes over his baby sister, calls her names, etc. She's only 2. It's getting ridiculous... I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him. Then school nurse referred to CAMHS, he was assessed for ADHD, and a few other things. He is fine. He started therapy (CBT) but was so rude to her, she refused to see him.

I'm at my wits end, he's literally a horrible little boy. I'm sorry but he is making everyone's lives horrible. Children are refusing to come into school because they are scared of him hurting them, etc.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[Ditsy4]

Haven't read all the threads since I posted but if this has been going on that long then I agree it sounds like an undiagnosed condition might be a possibility. Go and speak to the SENCO at school and find out what is being done to help him.

In reply to the poster who said " It costs." Not always. There are often grants/charities available and on rare occasions the authority will give support.
Have school considered the PRU unit? It often offers some respite. The staff are more experienced and lessons differ to school. OP it might be worth discussing a referral. Take advice about the GP too. I can't believe he has got to this age without someone investigating his difficulties.

[midsummabreak]

may or may not be of help for your particular situation,but just in case:
Oppositional defiance can be well controlled by changing what the child or adult eats. You can see this with your own eyes in the dramatic video of the Shipley Project in which eight extremely oppositional chronic juvenile offenders literally change under our eyes as they follow an elimination diet for three weeks.

(37Mb, 4:56mins)
fedup.com.au/factsheets/symptom-factsheets/opposition-defiance-disorder-odd

[YoureAllABunchOfBastards]

When school say that he won't get GCSES in the unit, they are trying to shock him into behaving. It rarely works, but as schools are under massive pressure not to exclude permanently they will try everything.

Is the unit a PRU? Is there a specialist EBD school nearby?

[Ledkr]

God how awful.
You have had some amazubg advice on here but I think it's actual shoulder to shoulder support you need.
I work with chikdren with a wide variety of behsviour/emotional need and due to a lack of support from services I often signpost to charities for help. You'd be surprised whats out there.
If you pm me your area I will look for you if you want.
I had a son very similar who is now ok. My youngest son was lovely but a right pain at school and left at 15 to go to a pre 16 course at college.
He was one of the "good kids" so excelled and evded up leaving with o GCSEs but a levek 3 in catering so he's now a well paid chef.
GCSEs aren't everything.

[0hCrepe]

It sounds absolutely awful for you. And your ds. Underneath all that there is a very frightened boy who knows he is unloveable.

The school sound completely useless; what is the point in having you in to catalogue the things he's done without any solutions or plan? And to use the threat of going to a unit as a bad thing is incredibly short sighted.

I worked in a centre (unit if you like) for children with complex mental health needs - so with children like your son. There was 1:1 or more if needed and we worked with psychiatric staff and therapists all in the same building. It was a dedicated nurturing environment and children were not excluded from there. Swearing was the norm and we were trained to manage violent outbursts. We worked closely with families. The children stayed until a permanent educational placement was found. For some this would be a special school with individualised teaching even individual classrooms for very violent children. Medication would also sometimes be prescribed (after lengthy consultation) and the child could be monitored whilst at the centre. It was possible to be residential for children aged 11+ Don't see places with this level of intervention as a bad thing. Your son needs help with his mental health before he can learn.

Like others have said go back to your GP and the school and ask for more help. It does depend on where you live a bit as to what is available unfortunately.

Can I also add you need to keep your dd safe. Be near her when they are in the same room. He clearly finds it difficult to control his behaviour and outbursts and just from a practical point of view she could end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time and get hit.

[midsummabreak]

fedup.com.au/images/stories/VLittleMonstersmall.wmv

[timelytess]

I haven't read the whole thread.
I thought of these schoolsweek.co.uk/state-boarding-schools-what-are-they-how-do-they-work/
If you can, stop blaming yourself for not feeling 'love' for someone who treats you and everyone else so badly. You do love him, it shows in your posts, but you are being pushed to the limits. Don't expect so much of yourself.
Be strictly practical. Get back to the doctor, press the mental health services, talk to social services. You need help. If you could get him placed outside your home, you and he would both have breathing space to get to know each other again without all the aggro.

[Finallyonboard]

Does he have a hobby? Perhaps if he had something he could love and focus on, the rest would follow. anything he's interested in?

[BagpussOhSagpuss]

timelytess
The schools in your link are unlikely to be suitable- I know, I went to one of them.
They are simply a standard day school with boarding attached. They are not special schools, and are unlikely to be able to provide the level of support the OP's son needs.
They were invaluable to us, my parent was military so we moved a lot, and to families where home life may be chaotic, but it sounds like the OP's son needs specialist intervention at a dedicated unit, not a boarding school.
OP, I second all the pp's who have urged you have your son reassessed. This is not something you have caused, or can fix, by your parenting style, he has a particular set of needs that you all need to help to identify and meet.

[DuchessDaisy]

I think you need to get onto the CSA too. It is outrageous that DS/DD Dad (who you say boasts he doesn't have to work ) is giving you only £50 a month all in. You must be exhausted with two children and working three jobs, let alone with poor DS issues to deal with,

[Youarenotkiddingme]

My first thought was PDA as well.
It's terrestrial that he'll go to his room when asked, despite it being empty, and sit and do nothing. Does that not strike you as odd? He has a level of compliance there but also that he actually seems to accept having nothing? That indicates to me his self esteem is rock bottom and perhaps he feels he doesn't deserve anything.

Have you read Dr Ross Greene? He is brilliant. He believes no child would behave this way if they had to skills to adapt and behave more effectively. Really worth a Google.

With regards going out can you start small. Talk about where you are going, Google what's there,M talk about how long you will stay and what you expect. Then arrange that when home he goes to his room for X amount of time and has iPad/laptop or whatever.

What are school doing to support him in lessons? I'd suggest to them he has a room with a 1:1 and they accompany him to one lesson a day, just for a short amount of time, set out clearly what is expected behaviour wise and return to his space. Start setting up his life in a way that gives him a chance to succeed.

If he has anxiety or something similar and this behaviour is a result of that by continuing to expect him to do what he's doing daily he's being set up to fail - he clearly can't cope with it.

And you aren't a shit mum by any accounts. It's clear you love him and that you've reached the end of your tether. No shit mum would be here being totally open and honest and asking for advice.

[LoveFromUs]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, if I were in your position I would pull him out of school and let him go to the unit, as it isn't fair on the other children who are in his class.

[Adnerb95]

Apologies if this has already been suggested but I understand that in these kinds of situations you can ask for a Multi-agency/Multi-disciplinary meeting? (Terms vary) Essentially, you ask that the school, health authority, ed psych, social services have a joint meeting to discuss the situation to avoid you being passed from pillar to post and to establish the facts for all parties.
This can produce better solutions than the randomised approach which is happening at the moment.
It MAY be that getting a family support worker in place from SS could be the first step to asking for this.
It can be very useful in cases like your son's which appear to be resistant to the usual channels. Others in the MN Special Needs forum will probably have more information about this than me so I encourage you to share it there.

[MaterEstIratus]

Of course you love him! You wouldn't be caring what happens to him if you didn't. You just don't like him very much at the moment and that's perfectly understandable. I also thought PDA or ODD. Lots of kids don't fit the exact criteria on paper - that's why professionals diagnose not the rest of us.

[Openmindedmonkey]

You strike me as an amazing mother, OP. He may not know it but he's so lucky to have you. When this situation is more positive- and it will be - he will still live you, be so proud of you & hopefully be able to put all that into words too.

[OneInEight]

ds1 was permanently excluded and, although obviously we were very distressed at the time, it was the best thing that could have happened to him as he was much better supported in his EBD primary than in his mainstream school. His challenging behaviour disappeared almost overnight and our lovely child was returned to us. Clearly, the fixed-term exclusions are not working to improve your sons behaviour so either the school has to start using a different approach or make it permanent because at the moment they are failing your child (and probably all the other kids too).

[dietstartstmoz]

It sounds so hard for you, must be so draining living like this.
I also think there must be an underlying disorder, sen issue, possibly mh issue that could be the reason for this behaviour.
I think you need to have a meeting with the school senco, head of pastoral and ask them what extra support and steps they are going to put into place. He definitely needs some educational psychology input, an assessment, referral for mentoring etc. are they offering him extra support in class?
I think they should at least be doing this, and yes maybe gathering evidence for an EHCP.
He is likely to be permanently excluded before yr9, and it would be good to have some evidence before then as this will help to find the right school placement for him. He must have some additional needs that have not been picked up. Start with asking for Educational psychology assessment, and yes to back to camhs. They should be looking to assess for autism/PDA.
Don't worry about the amount of GCSE's he may achieve. There are loads of options and routes at colleges, but the priority is addressing his issues now.

[EasyToEatTiger]

It is so awful when you are trying to bring up a child who, for whatever reason, just isn't coping. You and your children have been abandoned by their father. I haven't any advice. Only to say that you are not alone, and it can feel staggeringly lonely as a single mum with a very, very difficult child. I really hope you are able to tap into the professional support you and your family need. Your son needs to be assessed properly by a CAMH psychiatrist and support/therapy for all of you needs to be put in place.

[Aramynta]

I feel so sad for you OP

I think you DO love your son, otherwise you would have turfed him out long ago. You wouldn't be seeking help if you didn't. BUT, that't not to say that you don't dislike him, or even hate him. I always say "I love you, but that doesn't mean I always like who you are".

You need help OP. You need to go back to the GP and tell him everything - with your son present so he can SEE what he is like. Get a referal to CAHMS and Childrens Services and see what they can do to help - They are here to help, not accuse and prosecute.

You also need to seriously consider sending him to a unit. Three GCSE's is far better than the zero he will get in mainstream and possible time in youth custody because he has been physical with the wrong person. I say this as someone who left school with NO GCSE's and who is currently doing a BSc in Health Care and soon a PGCert.

Also, what about you? Are you looking after your own health, as well as that of your young daughters? Your son being in a unit will give both you and HER some respite. She won't have to grow up around verbal and physical violence which could be a negative influence on her.

Hand holds and lots of

[CodyKing]

Op - you may not feel it - but you sound like a caring mother - you've been dealing with this alone for so long I don't think you can see the wood for the trees (how dare those close to you leave you vulnerable and alone - his dad's a while different level)

You need something to change - if that means a unit then do it - if it means doctors do it -

He's only going to get bigger and you sound like you need help - for your sanity as well as his -

[waitingforsomething]

Hi op I am so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Have your DS school considered a managed move? This is when a school transfers a difficult child to another school as a lot of the time a fresh start can do wonders. They usually have a 6 week trial and then the new school will decide if they are prepared to have them on roll.
He is very young; even if he does go to a behavioural unit there is a chance he could be reintegrated into mainstream and get more than 3 GCSEs. They might even allow him to do a vocational course- this can also be the making of some children. There are options op don't give up on him

[Lottielottie41]

It's me again, DD was also rejected by her dad and my family don't see her. His confidence as was DDs must be really low , is there anything he's good at sports or hobby wise?
DD (when younger) was fantastic at a sport she did it for 20 hours a week, it really boosted her up and gave her something to feel proud of.
Sadly she gave up once puberty hit and prefers smoking and drinking now .
How is he academically is he behind by a small way- big way or where he should be?

From my experience you need to push really bloody hard and it is exhausting. We were fobbed off by camhs many times but I called them and the school (Every fucking day ) till they could all ignore me no longer and finally things were done- Ed physc report, SALT report, ADHD diagnosis, anger management etc , all recommended a school move would further add to DDs feeling of rejection and advised school not to. This has given her time and she has strategies now , it's still a battle as they are rarely stuck to but she has a 1-1 in academic lessons, time out cards so she can exit before getting into altercations. You have a battle on your hand OP but things do get easier but never easy enough to relax so take some time out to do things you enjoy.

[timelytess]

Bagpuss - thanks. I know of a similar child who was sent to a state boarder and did really well, but I don't know which one.

[ReadyPlayerOne]

I'm shocked and saddened for you that your sons dad, and your parents have refused to have anything to do with him. I would have thought they would at least want to support you.

There was a similar situation with my BIL when he was a teenager, except that this started in year 7 and lasted throughout his secondary school and now that he's 18 he's come right and sorted himself out. Given how long it's been going on for with your DS you might well need to get back to the doctors. There is some very good advice on this thread about what could be going on with him.

Meanwhile please don't be too hard on yourself. You may not like your sons behaviour, but you clearly love him or you wouldn't be trying so hard to help him.

[Wdigin2this]

I don't think you've stopped loving your boy, but you don't like the person he's become, and who can blame you?
This is too much for one person, (with no training in such situations) should have to manage, and if you've no help from family or his dad ( how could he walk away) then you need professional help!
Go to the school/local authorities, tell them you cannot help your son because you don't know how, and that you feel he would benefit from time in a specialised unit. Make sure you are told and understand exactly what this entails, and tell your son he is going into this environment because, if he's to have any chance of a decent future, he needs to re-learn behaviour! Assure him that you are doing this from love, (no matter how much he kicks off) emphasise it over and over....and over again! Some of it will eventually filter through!
Make sure, if it's a residential unit, that you'll visit him (if that's allowed) and bring treats to reward any improvement...after all, he is still just a (mixed up) kid!
Good luck.