I think I have stopped loving my son (who is 11)...

[23Bailey]

I feel like many of you will hate me for this...

DS is 11... He is in Secondary School...

He is an absolute pain in the arse. I get 5 phone calls a day from school (each lesson) telling me all the things he has done - swearing, being rude, insulting teachers, insulting pupils, throwing things. It's really beginning to get to me. I tell him off/I take his gadgets away/I have tried the softer approach/the stricter approach; nothing works.

I go in for a meeting once a week. For them to just tell me how awful my son is to teach and how awful he is to be around. I feel like a total shot mother. I'm trying, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He hits people/starts fights... He has been excluded 8 times in Yr 7, already. They have told me numerous times that he is close to going to a unit. He couldn't give two shits. He isn't nice to me, he hits me, says I'm a shit mum and sometimes wishes me dead. He pushes over his baby sister, calls her names, etc. She's only 2. It's getting ridiculous... I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him. Then school nurse referred to CAMHS, he was assessed for ADHD, and a few other things. He is fine. He started therapy (CBT) but was so rude to her, she refused to see him.

I'm at my wits end, he's literally a horrible little boy. I'm sorry but he is making everyone's lives horrible. Children are refusing to come into school because they are scared of him hurting them, etc.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Trouble is, ditsy, those schools cost. Unless the OP has the funds to pay, there's no point looking.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Google PDA and see if it sounds like him, OP.

[23Bailey]

We aren't particularly rich, I have 3 jobs, so I'm trying hard, but I don't think I'd be able to afford an expensive school. His dad just doesn't want anything to do with him and wants to put him up for adoption, which is ridiculous. I am trying

[LanaorAna1]

"I'm shocked that a trained counsellor wrote him off."

I'm not - the deal with counsellors is that they don't tolerate abuse or threats. You're always told that before beginning any treatment.

[notoTTIP]

OP in your first post you said
I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him

I think this may be some of your problem, you are punishing your child by removing some of the things which will help his behaviour.
stop punishing him and start find ways to reward him, infact get rid of punishment/reward system and start trying to find ways to do nice things with him. Surely its better to take him out and tire him out rather than leave him at home stewing.

[Originalfoogirl]

It started at nursery?

In that case, there is almost certainly a medical condition at play. Unless there is something wildly traumatic that happened very young.

Get back to the GP, and ask for further testing.

[schbittery]

if he's in Y7 at this point in the year and still 11 that means he's quite young in his year? have the schools ever checked to see of there are any learning or behavioural problems that might have been compounded over the years? Has he seen an educational psychologist? it seems very sad that everyone has given up on him at 11. Does he see his dad?

[BirthdayBetty]

Tell the school how desperate you are and see if they'll instigate a CAF. Your family are definitely in need.
Go back to GP, he's not 'lively' something is clearly very wrong.
You're doing all you can, it's a lonely place to be, I'm sure DS doesn't hate you, but displacing his anger onto you.

[Gide]

I would not object to the unit, TBH. There is a special school (for behavioural issues) near me, the boys are extremely well looked after and come out with GCSEs, often with jobs lined up. Honestly, OP, see if he can go somewhere that will cater for his needs. The school near me does boarding. It's local authority funded.

[YoungGiftedwithflab32]

Education welfare will help find a unit/centre that will not cost! You don't have to go private.

Could he be saying bad things just to get a reaction from you, attention seeking kinda thing,? Have you tried just ignoring what he says and see how he reacts to that?

Do you get to spent much time together just the two of you, doin something that interests him?

It's so hard to pinpoint what makes a child behave this way as it could be number of things, I suppose you can only but try various things.

Sorry op lots of questions I know.

Have some wine

[LanaorAna1]

You really need some help OP. It had most likely better come from the school.

Could you, rather than defending DS at the weekly stand-offs where everyone is stressed and cross (must be awful), arrange a meeting with the school to talk through where else DS can go? And what help is available for you and the family?

[DistanceCall]

You need to find a proper therapist (no good therapist allows him or herself to be upset by what a patients says, much less an 11-year-old!!!)

Your child is reacting to something that is very wrong in your home. The fact that his father wants nothing to do with him speaks volumes.

[LanaorAna1]

And if it helps, I know a boy very similar to DS - turned out he had a variety of psychiatric problems and they all responded brilliantly to treatment.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, there really is, but you can't get there on your own. Rope the school in.

[SuburbanRhonda]

I think a CAF might be useful once a diagnosis has been ruled in or out. Then you can look at the additional needs of the whole family.

What a shame his dad has nothing useful to offer or contribute.

[23Bailey]

Sorry if I don't answer all questions.

Yes, that sounds like him!

I know you say to not punish, but if I don't, he will stay around me and be cruel, I have tried being nice and finding something nice for us to do and he will go, when we get there "you know, you're actually a cunt" I will ignore it but he will then start pushing me, he is small (4ft something) but I'm only bang on 5ft. He has physically pushed me over on our nice days out, it doesn't work.

[NettleTea]

PDA is what I thought too.
My daughter has it, and a friend's son has it and he sounds like your boy.
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx
www.thepdaresource.com/
www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-PDA/about-pda

[Originalfoogirl]

Lanorana1

There is a massive difference between an adult being threatening and abusive to a counsellor, and a child with behavioural problems, who needs counselling, acting entirely as they are expected to. A child cannot be kicked out of a service because they are just too difficult to deal with. It doesn't work like that. She should have referred him to someone who can deal with it, rather than just kick him out. Otherwise, the suggestion is, if it's just to difficult, an eleven year old child will be written off for life and that just not right.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Education welfare will help find a unit/centre that will not cost!

That's not the job of education welfare. Children are referred to them when their attendance falls below a certain level.

[BirthdayBetty]

I wondered PDA too.

[23Bailey]

But PDA says that can be charming and nice, he is never those things... My mum refuses to see him, my dad refuses. He is so physically nasty and his choice of words are spiteful. He will describe how he wants you to die and other awful stuff. He is so difficult to deal with.

[YoungGiftedwithflab32]

Is your health visitor involved with your little f2f, perhaps having a chat with HV too might help, mine has helped me in getting my ds assessed for asd, like other posts have said knock on every door till you get an answer.

It sounds like he really does have an underlining issue, I feel for you op, getting abused by your nearest and dearest takes it's toll, no matter how old they are!

[Cornishclio]

For a child to be that difficult right from infancy with no improvement there must be some underlying condition so you need your GP to refer him to another child behaviour specialist. If they refuse to help then a unit may be the next best option.

Is there nobody who relates well to him? Is there something he enjoys doing which you could encourage to try rebuilding a relationship with him? The counting thing sounds bizarre, rather like Aspergers or ADHD. It does seem sad that everyone has given up on him at such a young age but obviously you are not getting proper support either. Does he know how his dad (and everyone else) feels about him? He just sounds like a very angry child but he will not improve until someone connects with him on some level. Dreadful situation for the whole family and tragic you are not getting any medical support.

[NettleTea]

www.pdasociety.org.uk/education/educational-and-handling-guidelines

initially the treatment we used was removing my daughter from school. My friends boy is also home schooled. The anxiety levels need to be brought right down. We allowed a period of total unschooling, and allowed her to be in control of what she did, where she went, etc, but with certain boundaries such as not hurting other people.
As she gained confidence she was able to start doing things again, and also deal with smaller demands, but it fluctuates. Some days she can happily go off on a train to the next town and see her friend, other days she is under the table screaming, but this has become far less. Transition to secondary school was the catalyst that blew it all out of the water, although she had always been a bit tricky.
Now she is 15 she is far better and although we see the asperger side of her behaviour, the PDA traits are less likely day to day. She is still controlling, she still likes to watch over her sibling to check he isnt breaking any of her rules, but she is able to go out, go to college, have friends and be asked to do some small tasks without kicking off.

[YoungGiftedwithflab32]

Dd not f2f stupid tablet!!

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

I certainly don't hate you. I admire your honesty. You're not a bad mum at all. At least you care about his challenging behaviour and are attending the meetings . There are parents out there that would not give a shiny shit. Nos while you're at these meetings do they do any constructive as apose to destructive. Have they brought in any outside help, such as behavioral experts. It's all very well them telling you. How badly your son's behaviour is. You already know that, What you need is help to improve it and establish the cause.