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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu me or DH regarding all day and night drinking

108 replies

Stardust160 · 07/05/2016 19:34

I recently had my DS 4 weeks ago. I also have a DD who's 2 and a DS 7. Currently DD is out at her aunties and I'm home with DS1 and DS2. DH went out last Saturday all day and night for friends birthday. This Saturday he went to the Middlesbrough football match. I was expected him home but now he's decided to stay out all night to celebrate with his mates. I'm furious as this will be second week in a row where he's been gone all day and night. The following day he is no help as he's hungover. I feel like I'm left holding the baby whilst trying to look after the other DC. I'm shattered from doing all the night feeds during the week and want some help on a weekend. Aibu to be pissed off? I went out for dinner with the girls during the week but waited until all the children were settled and was out for a few hours. It's not the fact he's gone out with mates that I'm so annoyed it's the length of time and the reoccurrence and disregard that I'm home caring for our children. DH thinks it's ok as the toddler is sleeping out but I have a demanding baby who feeds none stop and can be a challenge to settle.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 07/05/2016 21:47

He might say something? FFS

gingerbreadmanm · 07/05/2016 21:49

Oh gosh. Nightmare.

What are you thinking now?

OohMavis · 07/05/2016 21:49

Is Football some sort of sacred, untouchable excuse that all men everywhere have at their disposal in order to be selfish arseholes, then?

Learn something new every day.

I wonder what the female equivalent is.

AllThingsNautical · 07/05/2016 21:50

I knew someone would suggest a spa weekend! As though that is in any way compensation for the disregard and the abandonment of all responsibility. A fecking spa weekend. This isn't a 'men' thing, my BIL is like this and my husband and other BIL are scathing about him.

Also, it's always suggested on these threads that the hungover bloke is left with the kids the following morning, but I always feel really sorry for the children in question. It's not fair on them to be left with a grumpy, antisocial parent. I know you can't do it anyway, OP, with a breastfed newborn, it's just another frustrating response that doesn't address the root problem. Which is that he seems to feel family life is optional and you take on all the responsibility by default. That sounds like a lonely and tiring way to live. OP.

LogicalThinking · 07/05/2016 21:52

It's selfish behaviour. He's a father and that comes with responsibilities that he is currently shirking because football!
Being a parent and partner comes before football celebrations.

Originalfoogirl · 07/05/2016 21:53

I'm with suspiciousgoldfish on this. Why is it perfectly acceptable for blokes but would be frowned on for women?

Aren't they supposed to step up and realise they have responsibilities? But equally, I am always puzzled when blokes do this before they have kids i.e except the woman to look after all the housework and stuff, and then women are surprised when they stay that way after children.

Mr Foo is not a footy fan. I'm not sure it would have lasted if he was. I've seen too many of my friends become resentful of their partners for it.

imwithspud · 07/05/2016 21:55

YANBU, I would possibly understand it if it was a one off due to the football. But this happened last weekend too and it sounds like it's probably going to happen again next weekend, on top of him not really pulling his weight when he is home. It's really not acceptable. At least if he'd returned home after the match that would be something.

You gave birth to his child a month ago so chances are you're still recovering from childbirth and your hormones are all over the place, not to mention being utterly exhausted due to the demands of a newborn on top of having older children to care for and a house to run. You need support during this time and regardless of the football, he needs to put his family first. Not go out on the piss all day Saturday and then be rendered completely useless on the Sunday. It's selfish.

QforCucumber · 07/05/2016 21:56

wonder what the female equivalent is.

I have a season ticket too, only reason dp is out tonight instead of Me is because I only got 4 hours sleep last night so wanted an early one. I went to the game with dp today, but then collected ds and came home (he is breastfed but I express and he's happy to take a bottle too just before anyone pucks up on that) Not all become selfish for football, and some of us women do enjoy it too.

2ManySweets · 07/05/2016 21:57

I've skipped some replies but I'd wait and see if there's a third occurrence.

His team being promoted - I get that. Sort of.

But if there's another "session" that results in him being out of action for the most of the weekend this side of the August Bank Holiday then you need to pull rank.

Falling270 · 07/05/2016 22:01

It really boils my blood when I read posts like this. YANBU. Can't bear it when men seem to think their duty re fatherhood ends after conception and anything else they do after that is a "bonus". You're 100% in the right but not sure how you'd go about changing the attitudes of a Neanderthal misogynist like this.

I suppose you could go out with your friends and leave him to settle the children himself (if you can without worrying yourself sick) and let him have a bit of a reality check. You also need to tell him that he had responsibilities now ( that he hasn't already realised) and he can't behave like a teenager.

OohMavis · 07/05/2016 22:06

Q, I'm a massive football fan too, actually. But nobody would be making excuses for me if I felt like fucking off drinking all day, leaving DH at home with a newborn and other kids to care for single-handedly because my team got promoted. Seems to be ok for men though, because football. That's the point I was clumsily making.

DamsenBerry · 07/05/2016 22:12

AllThingsNautical it wasn't a suggestion of a spa weekend specifically, that was just a random example of something the op might like to do for herself! My opinion was that if it was me, I'd be annoyed but personally I'd see it as a favour I can use at a later date.
If I was in that position, I'd feel really annoyed but also think we'll he's out now, he might as well finish his night and then we can switch it up when I want to do something. I certainly don't mean it is "compensation" but I would see it as a fair compromise, for him to have the children while I want to do something.

Maybe my opinion of the situation is different to yours, maybe I'd react differently, and that's fine! I had no idea the idea of a spa weekend (or something comoletely different!) would annoy somebody so much!

EssexMummy1234 · 07/05/2016 22:13

Sounds like he wants to live the single life

AllThingsNautical · 07/05/2016 22:17

Sorry Damsen, it just comes up a lot on posts like this and there can be an element of 'keep drudging on, little women, and one weekend out of 52 you can go away and beautify yourself before getting back to the grind'. I appreciate you didn't mean it like that, it just gets trotted out like a cure-all and sends me a bit irrational

Iflyaway · 07/05/2016 22:23

Fuck the football. Why is he out and more importantly why are you home with the 3 kids.

Ask yourself why you put up with this crap parenting from his side

..................

YouTheCat · 07/05/2016 22:28

If anyone suggested a spa weekend to me I'd think they needed colonic irrigation of their brain.

It's all very well saying the OP is owed a weekend now, but the likelihood of her getting a similar amount of free time to do as she pleases is very very small because, with men like this, their needs and wants always trump the mother of their children.

My ex thought he was doing me a massive favour if I was allowed out for a few hours to see my friends. God forbid that one of the kids was slightly off colour while I was out though - that would have him calling every 5 minutes until I was home to deal with it.

OP, don't put up with it. All that will happen is it will breed resentment.

Coulditbeme · 07/05/2016 22:44

You're not being unreasonable.

Some men are so selfish! I've got one too.

I have a similar thread on here at the moment re my partner and his weekends away.

summerdreams · 07/05/2016 23:07

Nothing should come before his children and considering the lo is only 4 weeks this is disgusting behaviour yanbu and congratulations op

LindyHemming · 07/05/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aussiemum78 · 07/05/2016 23:23

He's a man-child.

By all means go to the game, even have a beer afterwards. But don't stay out all night and be hungover the next day unless you are 19 and single.

Hey here's a thought. What about getting your 7 year old into sport? Your husband can coach and get his sport fix like a real dad.

Original poster

Stardust160 · 08/05/2016 04:21

He has taken the 7 year to the footie and plays footie when the weather was much nicer: cheeky sod txt me asking if I would pay for his taxi if he came home this was at half 2 when I was asleep. I'm now up feeding DS. So he felt it apporiate to txt me at that time knowing I would be up to feed the baby..

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 08/05/2016 04:43

I was married to one of those....drink featured so heavily in his weekend. In fact our youngest has refused to go to access this weekend as he had arranged for him to sleep at his grandads so he could go out and watch the football/ rugby/ any excuse.

I feel for you.

GarlicShake · 08/05/2016 05:14

Oh heck. Do you think its just like that where we're from?

Yes.

I lived in the Borough for 4 years and came back down south with a husband, who didn't improve (he went to all the home matches!)

Some other places are as bad, but I've never seen it considered as 'normal' and inevitable as it is in the North-East. You've come a long way since I lived there ... and I'm gutted to see this hasn't changed.

It's shit. You all have my sympathies and virtual flag-waving for when you finally decide to bring these lads down to earth!

Will catch up on thread later, and wallow in mixed feelings

JapaneseSlipper · 08/05/2016 06:27

God - what a pathetic excuse for a man. Just awful. These threads are so depressing. OP x

Floppityflop · 08/05/2016 06:45

Middlesbrough being promoted is a rarer occurrence than a newborn.

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