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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu me or DH regarding all day and night drinking

108 replies

Stardust160 · 07/05/2016 19:34

I recently had my DS 4 weeks ago. I also have a DD who's 2 and a DS 7. Currently DD is out at her aunties and I'm home with DS1 and DS2. DH went out last Saturday all day and night for friends birthday. This Saturday he went to the Middlesbrough football match. I was expected him home but now he's decided to stay out all night to celebrate with his mates. I'm furious as this will be second week in a row where he's been gone all day and night. The following day he is no help as he's hungover. I feel like I'm left holding the baby whilst trying to look after the other DC. I'm shattered from doing all the night feeds during the week and want some help on a weekend. Aibu to be pissed off? I went out for dinner with the girls during the week but waited until all the children were settled and was out for a few hours. It's not the fact he's gone out with mates that I'm so annoyed it's the length of time and the reoccurrence and disregard that I'm home caring for our children. DH thinks it's ok as the toddler is sleeping out but I have a demanding baby who feeds none stop and can be a challenge to settle.

OP posts:

Griphook · 07/05/2016 20:53

I think that fact that it's all day and then he's not available the next, well it would fuck me right off. Yanbu he is. The least he can do is take the dcs tomorrow. But I'm sure he won't. Sounds like a selfish git to me

Costacoffeeplease · 07/05/2016 20:54

YADNBU - selfish idiot - for football ! He'd come home to find the door locked and his stuff on the doorstep if he were my 'd'h

Bogeyface · 07/05/2016 20:54

I get so cross at men who cheerfully have kids then act as if nothing has changed. I would wait until his hangover has well and truly gone, only to make certain that the message goes in, and go fucking nuclear.

Point out to him that if this carries on he can kiss goodbye to every weekend out as he will be having the kids EOW as you will be leaving him. He can choose to treat you respectfully and make sure that you have equal down time and the kids get family time, or he can choose to piss off and live the single life with his equally pathetic mates.

gingerbreadmanm · 07/05/2016 20:56

Loads of teessiders on here!

That's a good call q.

I would force him to take us all out for a sunday dinner then give me the afternoon off. Even if i just spent all aft round my friends or dm's having a good whinge about the state of him when he rocked up.

Think it's the fear of it happening again next weekend though.

Euros will be an excuse next

HackerFucker22 · 07/05/2016 20:56

What is he like normally? If this was just 2 weekends out of 52? Or 2 weekends out of 4?

RiverTam · 07/05/2016 20:56

As a one-off because of being promoted it would be fine. But 2 weeks on the trot being out of action for the whole weekend is shit. Whenever DH has had a big night out he's still functioned the next day. But then he's not exactly a manly manado want give a fuck about football. What is it about this game that makes men selfish twats?

Catvsworld · 07/05/2016 21:02

his team just got promoted to the premier league- i'd probably allow it as it is a rare occurence

ha your not his boss , his mum or his keeper allow it he's a fucking adult most men really get into football he's having a drink up one would imagine they are not going to get promoted next week so I think you should get a grip

EweAreHere · 07/05/2016 21:05

YANBU at all.

You'll start another week exhausted because he didn't take your needs into account at all.

Selfish.

RosieandJim89 · 07/05/2016 21:07

This is one of the reasons I hate football. Since when has a sport been more important than your wife and children?? I used to accept that DH on a few occasions would get drunk and also be no use the next day. Now I make sure I plan something for the next day with or without him and tell him that hungover or not it is happening. If he choses to drink so much he cannot function the next day that is his problem. It doesn't happen so much now DS is old enough to run around screaming and I don't stop him and making the hangover worse. I tend to let it slide on the rare occasion it happens but not too weekends in a row with a newborn to care for.

goingmadinthecountry · 07/05/2016 21:09

Just get your own back - next weekend plan something then go out and he's in charge. If it's all hands on deck all the time everybody gets needy and helpy. He's done this - fair enough because it's important to him. Your turn next.

YouTheCat · 07/05/2016 21:09

This is often the 'culture' up this way (not Teeside, Newcastle). Men are brought up to believe it is their right to go out and get pissed at the drop of a hat. It isn't a rare occurrence - it is every bloody weekend.

My ex mil used to tell me that her son (me exh) worked hard all week so it was his right totally ignoring the fact that I worked hard all week too and did all childcare and housework/cooking . This is largely why he's the exh.

It's misogynistic bullshit.

QforCucumber · 07/05/2016 21:09

Indeed ginger I've left the ball in his court so to speak, he is aware of the deal so it's up to him what time and state he comes home in being fully briefed on tomorrow (though my 3 hours will probably be spent in big tesco and hiding in Costa is not the point)
Today has been a long time in waiting and as a football fan myself I have no problem with dp going tk the game and making a day of it - he also went on a stag do when ds was 3 weeks old (so 4 weeks ago) these things arent regular, but they are also usually planned in advance - eg I knew weeks ago that today if we won he would be out, if we lost he'd be home with a takeaway looking for playoff tickets like last year ha.

Op make the most of it, I'm in bed, baby asleep on me, glass of rose and in betweeners box set on tv. Quite enjoying the quiet house.

QforCucumber · 07/05/2016 21:12

The thing is - it's not just for football, does he do this every time there's a home game? If so then yes major issue - promotion after playoffs last year and the shit we've had locally with the steelworks is a great thing not only for the team but for the area. Had we lost would he still have stayed out all day?

MessyBun247 · 07/05/2016 21:15

No YANBU. Bloody men and their football . Hope you're ok

Original poster

Stardust160 · 07/05/2016 21:20

Thank guys big shout out to my fellow Teessiders. I've told him can stay at his mothers and I'm done with his selfish behaviour. I've blocked contact for tonight. I don't want him strolling in at 2oclock disturbing me and the baby. I think he hasn't adjusted to the fact there is another child who needs constant care. He's been used to an independent 7 year and a semi independent 2year old. I wish he would pull his weight. All I get is he's been at work but I don't know what he thinks I've been doing when I've been up since 5, getting three children ready fed on the morning out the house. Then caring for a toddler a baby whilst doing laundry, cooking and cleaning and getting them ready for bed. It's never ending. On a weekend at least we could share the work load but it's just not been the case at the moment. Wish I could have some time off or for him to arrange time together. I guess I just feel like he's taking advantage of me and I feel undervalued.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stardust160 · 07/05/2016 21:24

QforCucumber he's just purchased a season ticket so I think it will be a regular thing depending on how boro place. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already made plans for next weekend

OP posts:

DamsenBerry · 07/05/2016 21:26

I'm also in your area and we live so close the the stadium I heard the chanting from the match in my lounge. Town has been crazy, so although it's bloody annoying it's almost understandable they want to stay out in the atmosphere. I've just got a taxi home from the train station and our taxi driver was telling us what a nightmare town is. Though he did mention how well behaved southfield road is tonight!

I'd write it off too and bank it for later. Cash in the opportunity when it suits! "Remember when you stayed out all night after the match... well I'm going on a spa weekend. See ya."

ouryve · 07/05/2016 21:28

I suspect there's as many abandoned wives and families around Newcastle, tonight, but not with any hint of celebration.

Mostly Sunderland supporters, where I live. All the excitement has to wait until midweek.

QforCucumber · 07/05/2016 21:28

and for you op, maybe your point about him being used to not having a baby is right - this is our 1st and I have had to remind him he can't just pop to the shops etc so simply anymore. Fully expect him home by 12 as he's a useless lightweight.

The fact he's not taking responsibility would royally peeve me off too. If no effort is ever made then I wholly agree with you and he is out of order. For a week don't do his cooking or laundry, let him realise just how much you do for him and how easy you're making his life

gingerbreadmanm · 07/05/2016 21:31

Thats a big no no star and one thing that is like a red flag to a bull for me.

Any plans should be discussed with you before agreed.

You have every right to stand your ground.

What do you think he will do now you have told him to go to dmil?

q im not a boro fan dp has me supporting leeds but i'm chuffed to bits theve gone up just think it will be so good for our area. I hope so anyway. You do right btw. Cant beat a costa.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 07/05/2016 21:35

I can't believe the mixed opinions here.

Seriously?!

So, say every weekend I fancy going out without my DH all day and night, getting totally shit faced at the pub with my piss head friends, and spend the next day in bed and leaving DH to look after my kids - that's fine is it?

No one would call me selfish? A bad mother? Not one of you would raise and eyebrow and silently judge me?

Football, strip clubs, porn, lads nights out and all the other fucking ridiculous shit blokes get away with 'because it's just men being men, chill out!' Makes me want to scream.

MizK · 07/05/2016 21:37

Stardust I have been in your position...football widow myself and often get really angry at everything in our lives revolving around football. Mine supports a team based over 100 miles away so he is gone morning til night every time they play.
If your DP is anything like mine, I doubt he will ever change. My tactics are to make sure I get the equivalent leisure time myself - nights out, girls holidays and so on. I think your DP should be entirely at your beck and call next weekend and allow you to have as much rest as you need. I think it's pretty bad of him to do this two weekends in a two when you are completely knackered and need his help. Make sure he understands what a toll it takes on you when he leaves you to deal with all the DC alone all weekend.

Twilightpirate · 07/05/2016 21:44

YANBU
I am at his behaviour, especially with a 4 week old baby!!! Surely you are still recovering from the birth, he should be doing EXTRA around the house and with your older DC so that you can rest and bond with your new DS not leaving you to go out and get drunk. I would kill DH if he pulled this kind of stunt!

HappyNevertheless · 07/05/2016 21:44

Ah yes but you should know it's different for mums who are suposed to be available 24/7 for their offsprings and for men who need to 'relax' after their hard day at WORK, didn't you know?

Original poster

Stardust160 · 07/05/2016 21:44

Spoken to DH he's at his friends house pissed and doesn't want to speak whilst his drunk as he might say something. They got a taxi back a few hours ago.

OP posts:

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