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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think two kids is hard work no matter what the age gap

77 replies

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 14:58

I've got a three year age gap and my friend is about to have her second with a six year gap. She is being a bit "everything will be much easier" after watching me struggle for the last two years and whilst it would be lovely for her if it was easy, I'm guessing there are challenges with a much bigger age gap that I haven't even considered?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 07/05/2016 15:09

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NatashaRomanoff · 07/05/2016 15:10

YABU. 6 years will be (is) a lot easier than 2-3. Sorry.

BoodlesMcToodles · 07/05/2016 15:11

Mine have an eight year gap. It's still tough. But its manageable, and probably way more manageable than a two year gap for instance.

NotSayingImBatman · 07/05/2016 15:11

I have a two year age gap and convinced myself it was the very worst because DS1 was right in the middle of toddler unreasonableness when I was trying to deal with a newborn.

A friend has a twelve month age gap and was convinced it was the worst because she was dealing with two babies.

Another friend has a seven year age gap and was convinced she had it worse because its impossible to find something that they both enjoy doing and older sibling became very jealous.

I think the honest answer is that you're right and there is no easy age gap!

Envigi · 07/05/2016 15:13

I think it's much easier if the age gap is bigger, there's going to be 9 years between my two DC's and one of the big pro's is that DC1 will be at school for most of the day five days a week, so I won't have to manage my time between two kids 24/7 , this will be the same for your friend.

PotteringAlong · 07/05/2016 15:13

Just not having to change the nappies of 2 children will make it easier I reckon!

FutureGadgetsLab · 07/05/2016 15:13

I've only got one but I've got no idea how people have babies so close together.

Logically it's much easier. One will be at school most of the day and will be able to help out, and is more independent so doesn't need you to ensure they're not drinking bleach or electrocuting themselves.

AnnaMarlowe · 07/05/2016 15:15

I gave no age gap (twins) which was extremely hard for the first 3 years and has been much easier ever since.

A friend has a six year age gap (now 6 and 12) and she finds it difficult because their interests and abilities are so different. They can't even really watch to together.

FutureGadgetsLab · 07/05/2016 15:16

I don't see why siblings need to be doing things together or doing the same thing.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/05/2016 15:17

I'd bet my house on the youngest gap being the hardest. I know it is!!

boscros1 · 07/05/2016 15:19

It will always be hard work, but I'd pick a 6yr gap over a 2 yr one any day.

DixieNormas · 07/05/2016 15:19

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arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2016 15:20

Mine are a 2 year age gap. Now they are a bit older (past about 3 &5 iirc) it's as easy as pie as they play together all the time. I have to do nothing except drag them out of whichever game they're playing for food.

littleducks · 07/05/2016 15:24

It's probably different for everyone.

I have a gap of 22 months and a gap of 6 years.

Having two preschoolers was tough at times but i found it easier. My day was set up around them we went to playgroup or soft play and places that are rammed in the school holidays. I didn't have to get a baby out the house every morning for the school run or wake it from afternoon nap to do the pick up.

Its tough going back to nappies, sleepless nights and potty trading after a gap.

FutureGadgetsLab · 07/05/2016 15:25

Dixie I can imagine that would be a pain, as you had both big and small age gaps what would you say was the hardest?

MNetter15 · 07/05/2016 15:31

I've had big gap (5+ years) and a smallish (2 years) and both have their own challenges. It's a huge shock to go back to baby days when youve had the freedom of a relatively independent child who you can communicate with. You can't have lazy mornings - you've school runs, lunches, homework, afterschool activities etc, which is extremely stressful with a small baby who needs to be fed every 1.5 hours and hates the car Sad Add to that the guilt that you feel for your older child. IME, a toddler doesn't seem to notice the disruption of a new baby so much.

gandalf456 · 07/05/2016 15:36

I have 4.5 years. The challenge is more to do with balancing different interests and homework. There are a few things like will do together, though. It was easy when dd started school but an awful shock when the holidays came round - especially when ds was a baby. If I kept dd entertained, he spent the whole of it screaming because his routine was out and, as dd was not a toddler, she ideally wanted something going on all day, not just an hour at the park or something. It's better now they are 7 and 12 although dd compromises a lot. Sometimes she wants to do her own thing which can be a battle as she's not quite old enough

DixieNormas · 07/05/2016 15:37

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Paddypaws3 · 07/05/2016 15:42

I have both gaps!
My dd was 5.5 when my twins were born.
I can say, with 100% certainty that twins were harder than having a larger age gap!

MrsLouisTomlinson · 07/05/2016 15:48

Having a baby is bloody difficult no matter what, however it is easier when their sibling is older as you're not having to reason with a toddler. An older sibling is more self sufficient, can get themselves a snack or a drink whilst you're sat breastfeeding or whatever and can understand you can't be at their beck and call constantly. I've got a 6 and a bit year age gap and I genuinely don't think I would have coped having two at home all day. It would have driven me bonkers.

corythatwas · 07/05/2016 15:57

it's all about individuals, isn't it? in some ways it was harder to have two than one, in other ways it was easier (entertaining each other)

my dm found the closeness in age between me and db2 made things hard in some ways (trying to meet the physical needs of two small children) but much easier in other ways (we could be entertained with the same activity)

and it's always going to be about personalities: my dd was always going to be harder work than my dn, just because of the people they were

MintJulip · 07/05/2016 16:00

we have age gap and it was much easier when new baby was born as older was independant, use loo, understand everything.

but now its harder with a toddler and older one, we are limited as to what we do with the older, from theatre, to playing board games.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2016 16:02

Harder with small age gap when both children are under 4, easier after that.

mamadoc · 07/05/2016 16:03

Well I can't say I have experience of both but I'd bet a bigger age gap is easier.

Mine are 4 yrs apart not through choice but when I look at others with smaller gaps I think it was an accidental blessing.

DD was at school when DS was born and I was on mat leave for her reception year.

I could have naps in the day and didn't have to drag a newborn around to toddler activities.

She was independent dressing, toilet, eating etc and could wait a bit if I was busy with the baby and play on her own a bit. She was reliably sleeping unless ill. No way I could deal with 2 lots of night waking.

There was never any serious jealousy issue.

She was ( and is) actually a great help to me entertaining him and watching out for him. I was afraid they wouldn't be friends but they have a lovely close relationship, play together all the time and I think bigger age gap/ different sex means less competing for the same toys etc.

I am most amused at my friend who has 2 girls with a tiny age gap and has exact duplicates of nearly every toy as she was so sick of the fighting and not sharing.

We haven't so far had a lot of problem finding shared interests for family days out etc and its quite nice sometimes for each parent to take them separately to different activities.

Sorry OP think your friend might be right

SueTrinder · 07/05/2016 16:11

I've got 3 kids with an 18 month gap then a 3 year gap. I found the 18 month gap the easier. The 3 year gap was the hardest but actually the 5 year gap between the eldest and youngest was also hard at the beginning because juggling a newborn and the school run was hell (and with a 3 year old as well there was no chance of me napping during the day). I'd always say to people to have as small a gap as possible because they will get into synch with each other much quicker.