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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think two kids is hard work no matter what the age gap

77 replies

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 14:58

I've got a three year age gap and my friend is about to have her second with a six year gap. She is being a bit "everything will be much easier" after watching me struggle for the last two years and whilst it would be lovely for her if it was easy, I'm guessing there are challenges with a much bigger age gap that I haven't even considered?

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/05/2016 16:14

I found my 14 month gap easier than my 3.5 yr gap, and that was easier than my 20 month gap.... actually thinking about it, its just got harder and harder. Its worth though most of the time.

Buttwing · 07/05/2016 16:17

I have

Five year gap
Three year gap
One year gap

Five year gap was a walk in the park, three year gap was ok, one year gap is hell on earth.

Headofthehive55 · 07/05/2016 16:17

Mine are all 4-5 years apart.
The only difficulty is trying to pick up from an activity late at night with the younger ones in tow...who should have been in bed. Not always possible to lift share.

Difficult to share activities at times. I found a child age 10 and 14 a bigger gap than say 4 and 8. It's numerically the same but feels different.

SueTrinder · 07/05/2016 16:23

She was independent dressing, toilet, eating etc

I think bigger gaps delays this actually (not that it matters, after all every youngest child is babied to a greater or lesser extend and it doesn't seem to do them any harm). My eldest was independent at a lot of life skills quite young because I had a baby to look after so I had to get my eldest to be sensible and do some things for herself. I think most NT children are capable of more than we think they are and when we really need them to do this kind of stuff they can surprise us with how capable they are.

Original poster

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 16:24

all very sensible replies. mine are 2 and 5 now and they are so close and we can do a lot of things that they want to do at the same time which is a huge advantage I suppose. The younger has been around since the older was almost three and he is very considerate.

they aren't too bad with toys but they do swap a lot with what's their favourite and thank gos they like watching the same tv.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2016 16:27

Hang in there op. Your life should start getting much easier fairly soon. (I'm writing this lying in my hammock where I've been all day listening to my girls play fairies).

LadyDeadpool · 07/05/2016 16:27

I have a 10 year age gap between DD13 and DS3. It's so much easier than I imagine a smaller one could be, DD is happy to help and responsible enough to and DS adores her.

MrsJayy · 07/05/2016 17:07

Well i have 5 years i didnt want baby toddler combo all that poo to clean but doesnt mean that it wasnt challenging your friend is maybe a wee bit smug atm

Lumpylumperson · 07/05/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormyBlue · 07/05/2016 17:22

Yes it is hard to find joint activities on your days off with a big age gap, but it doesn't really compare to the sheer amount of work looking after a toddler and a newborn entails. I say this as someone with an age gap!

MrsJayy · 07/05/2016 17:49

The things to do wasnt really that bad its not difficult to find something to do , friend of mine had a 1 year old and twins it was nuts so many babies

Original poster

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 17:49

I planned for three years minimum as I didn't want two lots of nappies but didn't want them to be too different in ages. I saw people with one and two year gaps which seemed a lot worse but then they are much better off now. I think there is definitely something to be said for being able to give them same food, same cups, Same sized meals etc and they seem to want to play with the same stuff.

Mrs j I think she is being smug. A part of me is thinking she'll revise her opinion when the baby is here...

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 07/05/2016 17:51

Just let her bleat on and smile and nod

DixieNormas · 07/05/2016 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 07/05/2016 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureGadgetsLab · 07/05/2016 19:08

Mrs j I think she is being smug. A part of me is thinking she'll revise her opinion when the baby is here...

Why is she being smug? You picked the gap you wanted, she picked the gap she wanted, you're both happy with your choices.

I think you're taking her comments too personally.

DeadGood · 07/05/2016 19:22

Well, I was just talking to a friend today about her children, who have an 8 year age gap.
The older sibling never really recovered, she said, from the shock of the arrival of the younger one. Now in their 30s, their relationship is distant. It's sad.
OTOH one of my best friends is only 18 months younger than her sister, their relationship is also very strained, being so close in age (one year apart at school) really polarised them.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/05/2016 19:27

It's not just the age gap, it's also down to personality how hard it is. I had a 2 year age gap which is really common. I found it hard work. Dd1 had stopped napping at 2 and was used to full time nursery being busy busy so needed to go out twice a day. She talked to me non stop and never played on her own. Dd2 was a fairly easy baby but didn't sleep well so I was tired in the daytime. Yes the first year was tough. But a lot of my friends with 2 year age gaps had an easier time of it, especially if the 2 yo played on their own and napped.

Now they are 2 and 4 and it is easier. They are into the same things and can play with same aged children. They are best of friends and I hope that'll continue!

Original poster

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 20:11

Yes I do take her comments personally because there has been a lot of "it will be easier for me because my kid is so good" which for me seems like if she hadn't said "for me" when I have been saying when I have found it hard, then there wouldn't be the underlying message. Maybe I'm wrong but I think she thinks it would be easier for her whatever...

OP posts:

weeblueberry · 07/05/2016 20:31

I've only got two with a (just) 2 year gap and I think it would be been MUCH harder to get yourself out the baby phase and start all over again once it had just got easier. My friends with just one who are planning a bigger gap definitely have it easier just now but for me it would have just been waiting on the ball to drop with the next one as it were...

shins · 07/05/2016 20:39

Mine are nearly 20, 9 and 6. The very worst year was having a newborn, a toddler and a teenager. The 3 year gap is okay now but the big gap I find hard as they have so little in common and it feels like they don't know each other very well. It's like having 2 families. No easy answers there..

lljkk · 07/05/2016 20:41

My mom reckoned her twins were much easier than having several somewhat close in age (like I did).

Neighbour has a 14 yr gap which I gather was lovely, home-grown babysitter!! Plenty of time for each child. I don't think she'd ever say it was always easy, but certainly easy to juggle 2 for most part.

Her 1st childbirth was a nightmare hence the large gap. Nobody gets off scot-free.

FlightofFancy · 07/05/2016 20:49

Sorry, I've probably been a bit smug over the bigger age gap. I've got nearly 6 years between my two and honestly it has worked really well. DS is able to get himself showered and ready for bed while in feeding DD, he looks after her while I'm in the shower in the morning - and he's just held her hand all the way home on a rather fractious overtired car journey. But, that's partly personality I guess - and they do adore each other at the moment (sure it'll change when she's trying to get in to his lego). As a PP has said, it helps that he's at school as well!

FutureGadgetsLab · 07/05/2016 20:49

I think she thinks it would be easier for her whatever...

Is it wrong of her to think that? I think that a large gap would be easier for me, that doesn't mean I think less of the people who choose a small age gap. We all do what we think is best. I fail to see why you're offended.

Original poster

ohohohitsmagic · 07/05/2016 20:51

No as in it would be easier for her because she's got a better kid.

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