To think two kids is hard work no matter what the age gap

[ohohohitsmagic]

I've got a three year age gap and my friend is about to have her second with a six year gap. She is being a bit "everything will be much easier" after watching me struggle for the last two years and whilst it would be lovely for her if it was easy, I'm guessing there are challenges with a much bigger age gap that I haven't even considered?

I have five children so have a range of age gaps between each child and the newborn.

It is definitely easier when you have a slightly older child who can fetch nappies and glasses of water. A much bigger gap gives you a nappy changer and wine opener.

I have never really found additional children difficult.

11 month gap here. Hell on earth to start and finally starting to get easier as we approach the eldest starting school. I had two babies, carried two babies everywhere, double buggy, two cots, two sets of nappies, two highchairs.....

My neighbour once told me she had a similar age gap and called them 'dysfunctional twins' which cracked me up as it's not far off the truth with them being on the same level in many ways, but my eldest being more capable than the youngest causing major dramas at times.

I don't know about bigger gaps, but I would put money on them being easier! Anything less than two years seems crazy to me, I would not recommend it....I wouldn't change it, and I'm bloody proud of my kids, but I wouldn't choose such a small gap again as it put us under huge amounts of stress which you cannot comprehend until you're living it.

It sounds like the OP's friend is saying that the OP made a bad choice with her age gap, and that she (the friend) is much more sensible and is going to have a much easier time than her foolish friend. I can't imagine how that could not be annoying!

I have a 16mth gap between my two, and it was very hard for the first couple of years after dd was born, but has been a pleasure ever since. My sister has a 3 1/2 year gap which looked easier to start with but has become harder over time (all of the children are now teenagers).

My two have been close friends ever since dd (the younger) stopped pulling ds's hair and wrecking his train sets . They are hugely supportive to each other and enjoy spending time together. My sister's children seem to have a much more competitive relationship and have little in common. Very similar to my sister and I (four year age gap).

As for how the OP's friend will find things it depends on the nature of the new baby (my second was way harder than my first) and how her older child reacts. Both totally unpredictable really. Stupid to make assumptions before even meeting the new baby.

I knew someone with a ten year age gap. At one stage she had toddler and teenage tantrums sumulaneously.

There's 10 years between my DDs. DD1 is 10 and DD2 is 15 weeks tomorow.

DD1 is at school 9-3 so lots of time to bond with newborn, take naps, go to baby groups if I want. DD1 is very independent so doesn't rely on me for too much. She's also old enough to really help with the baby, entertain her while I'm cooking dinner for example, or push her round the garden in her pram.

What I've found hard is going back to the baby stuff, just as DD1 was becoming so independent. I felt like I was really getting my freedom back and now it's gone again, for a few years anyway.

Id never wanted to have a small age gap between DCs, I see my friends struggle with it! Lots of squabbling and screeching for the first 5 years or so.

Overall it has worked out well, DD1 got 10 years of my undivided attention, and now she's more interested in hanging out with her friends so I can give lots of attention to DD2.

12 years between DS1 and DS2. 4 years between DS2 and DS3. The small gap has been much much harder.

I think every age gap has its pros and cons but I think anything from 4 years plus age gap is much easier as one is at school. So although you have two kids five days a week for 6 hours a day you really only have one. Whereas with a smaller age gap you always have two unless one is put into childcare.

I think I must be doing quite a good job with my 2.2 year age gap when friends with a 4 plus age gap moan about how hard they are finding it.

2.8 years between Dd1 and dd2 was so much easier than 22 months between Dd2 and ds. Having 3 children age 4 and under was very hard.

In contrast SIL has 5 years between her youngest two and found it so much easier. The main issues with having much older siblings are younger ones wanting to have/do whatever the older ones have/are doing.

The pros far out weigh the cons. There are 4.5 years between Dd1 and ds, she helps loads with watching him whilst we get things done. When he was a tiny baby he would scream precisely at the time I needed to cook. Dd1 was like an entertainment system, singing and dancing for him so I could get a meal cooked before dd2 melted into a hunger fuelled toddler tantrum.

Exactly 3 years between mine and the youngest is now 14 months. It's been a hard 14 months at times (especially as DS1 was slow potty training so I had 2 sets of nappies, and both still wake at night!) but I think/hope as they get older they'll play together. DS1 can't really remember life without his brother either which I think helps with jealousy. I have a friend with an 8 year gap and she finds it very hard to do anything with both kids (12 & 4) at once.

I think the smaller the gap the harder it is at first but the better it is in the long run. If I had a 3rd I would want a 2.5 - 3.5 year gap again.

No as in it would be easier for her because she's got a better kid.

I have a "friend" like this too. When I said I was finding it hard to get every thing in life done she said she had no problems because her son is "a good boy". And mine apparently aren't eh?

YANBU, we have two children with a 12 year age gap - easy you say? ha! I have a toddler and a teenager make of that what you will.

Actually I think easy or hard will have a lot to do with the children in question. My almost 16 month old doesn't sleep through (but is a gem the rest of the time) and a surly teenager with additional needs - it is hard and I am tired (I am no spring chicken).

Thanks everyone X

I'm the youngest in a family where the other siblings all have 2 year gaps & then there's a 7 year gap between my closest sibling and I. I hated it growing up: I was always the smallest, the tag along or the left behind. And my siblings were/are lovely and loving. The others had all left home to go to uni by the time I was 12, I found it really lonely. That experience made me determined to have a small gap if at all possible. There's almost exactly 2 years between my 2 - the gap I've always felt was "perfect" undoubtedly due to it being the gap between my siblings.

I think a larger gap may be easier on the parents, but possibly tougher on the children. In saying that, I found having my first child incredibly difficult - PND etc. As soon as child 2 was born, life became much, MUCH easier. And that's even with my first child dropping naps as soon as child 2 was born. Plus potty-training when the baby was only 6 weeks old.

Maybe your friend is worrying about her longer age gap and is just trying to reassure herself!

Op you are taking this the wrong way. A small age gap is much more difficult than a big age gap ime (I have 5 yrs, 18 months and 3 yr gaps)
You should take your friends comments as a compliment, that she appreciated how well you have managed. I realise that that is probably not how the comments were intended, but take them that way and pop her back in her box.
Fwiw, I always feel a little guilty that my big age gap at the beginning means I have had an easier time than my friends who have, say, had 4 under 7 at some stage.
But honestly, it doesn't really matter in the long run. We are just lucky to have them whenever they turn up.

There will always be some difficulties.

I've got a two-year gap. DS1 was a champion tantrumer. Terrible twos didn't cover it as they started at 10 months and were in their prime during pregnancy and newborn days. Getting out of the house before 11 was torture between nappies, feeds, tantrums etc. I had both in nappies for a year so travelling light wasn't a familiar concept. A surprising number of activities were also unsuited to both.

Now at 3 and 5 life is getting easier rapidly. No nappies in the day. Buggies rarely required. Similar interests. Enjoy each other's company. My glitch is getting them dropped off and picked up from two childcare settings in a tight timeframe. I look forward to them being in the same school. Being closer means they will have more time in the same age grouping for things like beavers etc.

I'm swaying around on the idea of a third. There would be a 6/4 year gap between the current two and baby. The idea of additional running around between different places is one of the turn off factors. I think two more independent children that entertain themselves and a baby could be easier than the toddler/ baby combo I had in the early days.

I'm finding a 15 month gap really hard. Interested to see that a PP's mum stated a small age gap harder than twins. I do wonder about that but someone got totally flamed on multiples board for suggesting that....
I have no doubt that more than one newborn at a time (particularly if they're your first as one was a shock-enough to the system) is much harder than a singleton, but at the moment I have one baby and one just-grown-out of being a baby. For the life of me I can't coincide naps and for several months this year it felt like one of them was always cranky and trying to get to sleep. And that includes me too

You just don't know how things will pan out so you just go for the age gap that suits the family. We aimed for minimum 2 year gap and exactly that. It took months conceiving dd1 so we were lucky. Dd1 became increasingly hard work as a toddler - I think of we'd waited and found that put we'd never have had the guts to try for another child. Ultimately a second child would always have made life more xarressful

Oops! More stressful because dd1 is demanding. So I'm grateful we had dd2 when we did. She is amazing and much cherished.

I suppose whatever age gap you have you still have to go through the first two years which are pretty hellish in my opinion. Although to be fair to her, her kid never struggled to have their nappy changed and I have to physically pin my children down

Honestly her second will be a terror. Guaranteed. Dc1 was an angelic little bean. Dc2 came along and is basically the tasmanian devil.

A friend of mine is due her second not long before her dc1 starts Reception class which I'm a little jealous of as she will get a good 6 hours a day just her and baby (my dc1 was in afternoon preschool each day when the baby arrived), but it's swings and roundabouts.

Another friend has a 13yo and a 10yo and they've just got a bfp on a planned dc3!

I have found a smallish gap of 2.5 years has worked well, as being able to have the lazy mornings without rushing for school runs is wonderful.

Also, they tend to have more in common when similar ages and play together well, meaning I don't have to constantly entertain them.

I imagine much depends on the natures of the DCs though- DC2 is ridiculously easy, sunny natured and slept like a dream from a few weeks old so I probably see it through rose tinted specs!

Sorry but my first thought when I read your title was "2 is easy try 3!" and I stand by that... I have 3 with quite big age gaps (4 years then 5 years) and I get the whole potential difficulty of not doing the same thing but I have found with friends that have smaller age gaps that they often fight a lot. Either way with 2 whatever the age group it's easier to manage 2 activities at a time (or 4 kids at home if each had a friend over), but everything is hard work with 3!
So yabu

The thing is that children vary so much and some are easier than others. Some of my friends definitely have 'good' children in that they played nicely on their own or with sibling, did as they were told mostly and did not run off at every opportunity. Those 2 year olds were easier than my 2 yo who nagged for constant attention, never stayed with an activity for more than 5 mins and was a bolter. I don't like using the word good for such small children, but yes some are easier than others and of course that has a massive impact on how difficult they are to parent.

I agree a lot depends on the child, rather than the gap. I've had placid babies that would be a breeze in any situation, and massively demanding babies and toddler and still bloody going that definitely wouldn't.

The gaps between my children are DS>2.5 years>DD>19 months>DD>3 years>DD>2.5 years>DD. I can't really remember their names, what day it is what they were like when very young, but I do know that my two girls who are 19 months apart are as thick as thieves and have the best relationship out of all the siblings at the moment.

Two girls with a 22 month age gap: it's brilliant!

Very hard work for the first year, quite hard work in toddler years, but much easier after that. Ready-made playmates, now they are heading into teen years and still get a lot out of being sisters. The odd rocky patch of not getting along, but the benefits of two near in age have outweighed the bad for me. I wouldn't have liked one child I had to entertain all the time as I was too lazy!