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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD9 invite her BF to her birthday celebration

30 replies

Envigi · 06/05/2016 14:43

We're currently expecting DC2 and I have been all over the place trying to get everything ready and get as much done at work before my maternity leave starts.

So I left DD's birthday planning all up to DH, and they've decided to go out to Chessington for the day with 2 friends from school.

I naturally assumed one of those friends would be DD's best friend, they're unbelievably close, we've taken BF out on numerous occasions and her family have taken DD out as well.

But I've just looked over DD's invite's and it's for 2 other girls, one is a close friend and the other is a new girl who started this term, I'm suppose to bring the invites along to pick up today so DD can hand them out but I don't really think I should, not without finding out why DD hasn't invited BF.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 06/05/2016 14:46

Asking her why is sensible. Making her invite someone if she really doesn't want to is not. Why are you so worried about it?

Oakmaiden · 06/05/2016 14:51

I would ask DD first. It could be that having to choose just 2 people meant she wanted to choose someone different. Would you mind her adding bf as a third?

I can see bf is likely to be devastated if excluded - I wouldn't want that if it is as simple as your daughter had trouble deciding between the 3 of them.

Pseudo341 · 06/05/2016 14:55

I'd ask her what's going on. Can you afford to take a third friend as well? A lot of the rides at Legoland are set up for people sitting in pairs so you'll have presumably birthday girl sitting with one of the friends and the other one having to sit with a parent feeling left out every time. Of course you can rotate who's turn it is to sit with who but it's a lot nicer for all of them if there's two pairs.

CaptainCrunch · 06/05/2016 14:57

There have been a million threads on here from the POV of the uninvited bf so I think asking your DD is a good idea.

If the reason she doesn't want her there is valid, ie they're not as close as they once were /bf tries to control her or scupper new friendships then fair enough, if however she's dumping her for shiny new pal you need to talk about loyalty with her.

Floggingmolly · 06/05/2016 14:58

That's a good point, actually. Three is never a good idea.

curren · 06/05/2016 15:05

Asking is fine. But forcing her to take her isn't ok. Yes it's upsetting when kids don't get invited, but kids friendships are fluid and often change. I don't feel any child should feel they must have a certain child at a party. Especially when numbers are so low.

Forcing her to be best friends with a child will only end up in tears down the line.

MatthewWrightIsThick · 06/05/2016 15:07

Maybe her best friend hates rides?

BackforGood · 06/05/2016 15:45

I would probably ask, out of interest, but clearly, at the moment, the girl you think is her best friend, isn't. Nothing wrong with that. friendships can be fluid. You should be able to choose who to invite though when it is your birthday, and not have it dictated by anyone else.

Original poster
Envigi · 06/05/2016 16:31

Hey everyone, just got back from pick up. Told DD I forgot the invites and that she could hand them out on Monday instead, and brought up the fact that I noticed BF wasn't invited, she shrugged and said BF is boring. Hmm

I asked why and DD said she just is. I didn't really know what to say as I really like BF, she's such a sweet child, from a really lovely family and she wasn't boring last weekend when DD went over for a sleepover. Hmm

The BF really likes rides, I've taken them both to Legoland and they had a brilliant time, but you guys seem to think I'm overreacting, so maybe it's not as big of a deal as I thought.

DH set the number at 2, I think that's all he's willing to manage on a day out on his own, and even if he agreed on a 3rd child, I'm not so sure DD would pick BF anymore

OP posts:
AuntJane · 06/05/2016 16:31

Maybe she knows her friend is away at that time?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/05/2016 16:39

Let her choose her friends. It's a shame that she hasn't picked the child that you wanted her too, especially if you get on with BF, but it's your daughters party and she should get to choose.

If you really think BF should be part of this, ask her as an extra person and take the three. That's probably what I'd do, considering that your daughters reason just sounds like BF wasn't in her top two for some reason.

MammaTJ · 06/05/2016 16:44

I think three is an awkward number and harder to manage than 4, as one usually ends up getting left out. Point that out to your DH and see what he says.

Ameliablue · 06/05/2016 16:44

I would try to do some casual questioning over the weekend to see what is actually going on. If it is just a temporary glitch in the friendship I'd want to avoid it becoming more permanent as a result of the exclusion.

MagicMojito · 06/05/2016 17:07

I'm probably get a small flaming here but IMO kids birthdays should just be about them doing what they want and having fun (within reason obviously!) not always a lesson in "the right thing to do" Hmm

If she was just excluding this girl from say the rest of the girls in the class I'd agree that you should explain why its a mean thing to do but she shouldn't ALWAYS have to invite the same person if there are other children who shed probably have more fun with and wants to get to know better. Its a shame for the other little girl but that's about it.

notquitegrownup2 · 06/05/2016 17:16

Have a talk to her about how her friend is going to feel. If she is ending the friendship then that is her choice, but it is a big ask for the friend to watch her take 2 other girls out for the day, and then expect her to be around for sleepovers and fun when your dd comes back. Good friends are worth looking after.

You could also tell her that bf has invited her out to the cinema/another sleepover - would she want to go? If yes, then maybe she needs to think about whether her friend is really boring, or whether it's a bit more complicated than that.

Witchend · 06/05/2016 17:19

When dd1 was about the same age she had a similar experience.
Bf ((in a different form) invited a group which included her out. The others were also invited to a sleepover. Bf's dm told me in a confidential tone ((I didn't ask.) that she'd said my dd didn't get on very well with the others so thought it was kinder. Her dd could never do anything wrong, but I just expressed surprise as as far as I'd seen she got on fine with them.
It was very hurtful for dd1, and it marked the start of bf bullying her.
I was particularly irritated as bf was very possessive over dd1 and pushed away any attempts at dd1 having friends from her own form.

Recently I remet one of the other girl's mums and she brought this up and said she was really angry about it and it had affected the way they'd viewed the bf.

nancy75 · 06/05/2016 17:25

Don't you have to sit in pairs on most rides? Regardless of who she invites 3 is a really bad idea!

BackforGood · 06/05/2016 17:29

Have a talk to her about how her friend is going to feel. If she is ending the friendship then that is her choice, but it is a big ask for the friend to watch her take 2 other girls out for the day, and then expect her to be around for sleepovers and fun when your dd comes back. Good friends are worth looking after

Yes, but you can't keep on and on asking someone to spend time with you because you feel sorry for them. The OP's dd has decided that, for this day, the 2 people she'd like to spend time with are 2 other people. Doesn't mean that she can't still be friends with the original "best friend" (a term I hate as it somehow suggests other friends are less so), just means the OP's dd is a lovely girl who is including a new friend in her circle. good for her. The new friend may also turn out to be a good friend.

Original poster
Envigi · 06/05/2016 17:33

I think what I'm worried about, is this just being a one off from DD's POV but then the birthday exclusion could lead to a permanent ending of the friendship.

I know DD would be hurt if BF didn't invite her and chose to take someone else instead, I think I was just really suprised, BF has always been DD's first choice and I haven't heard anything about a fight, they were getting on great at Brownies yesterday, as I dropped BF home and they were chattering away the whole time.

Witchend, I'm sorry that happened to your DD, it must have been awful for the both of you, but I don't think it's a bullying situation, or at least I really hope not, but I think I'll spend this weekend probing/sleuthing and if it is DD just wanting new ppl to do things with then I might just leave it as a lot of people seem to think I'm overthinking it and should just let it be.

OP posts:
gpignname · 06/05/2016 17:36

There is a possibility - not saying it is the case here but just a possibility to consider - that the new girl is having an influence here, maybe trying to push her way into a friendship and push the BF out by telling the OP's DD that the best friend is "boring" etc. The DD might be finding the new girl to be a bit more exciting but, deliberately or not, the new girl might be putting the BF down. It may not be the case at all but it seems possible.
I also would agree with posters who say that 4 would be a better number than 3 in terms of rides etc if you can manage it.

Duckdeamon · 06/05/2016 17:39

I wouldn't be OK with DD treating a seemingly good friend like this and would invite the friend.

3 is a silly number as PPs say, 4 better anyway.

Witchend · 06/05/2016 17:43

Envigi, I didn't say it was a bullying situation. I said looking back that was the first sign of what developed later. But I think her mum giving her the go ahead to do it under what was a poor excuse even if it had been true, gave her carte blanche to continue.
I also know now that the other parents were quite shocked, however at the time I was unaware that they felt quite strongly about it.

tinybellows · 06/05/2016 17:58

I agree that you should have a chat with DD about how she thinks her friend might feel at not being invited.

If they have naturally drifted apart that's fair enough, dd is entitled to be friends with who she wishes, and they might be winding up their friendship mutually.

however if they are still BFs (sleepovers etc) but dd is just a bit bored of her, maybe discuss that friendship is a long game and this will affect it if bff is upset. I'd encourage her to take bf a swell.

tinybellows · 06/05/2016 17:59

3 would also be a nightmare in a theme park- seats in twos, someone always sat alone (or with dad Shock )

QuintessentialShadow · 06/05/2016 18:06

Tell your dd that by not inviting BF she must be prepared for their friendship to change. The consequence will likely be that BF will chose other friends for fun such as sleepovers so she may lose out on trips, sleepovers and also an invite to bfs birthday parties in future, if she is now excluded.

Also, 3 is an awful number at a themepark. Guess which child will be left sitting with her dad at the rides while the other two will pair up- nobody will want to pair up with your dds dad so she may end up feeling very left out.

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