To think this is ex DHs last bit of control

[Thenitnurse]

He pays maintenance every friday. The same amount for the last four years.

Yet every single week without fail I have to text him and remind him to pay it in. 5 minutes after i've text him he'll pay it in and reply 'done'.

If I don't text and ask he doesn't pay it until I do.

Since he's been paying it now for four years I doubt he just forgets.

I've tried being nice, for 6 months I just text 'money please', I sent funny memes about waiting for child support, I've tried asking to set up a DD (not possible as he pays it out of different accounts apparently). I've tried leaving it and not asking, it doesn't get paid until I do.

AIBU to think this is his last bit of control, that basically he gets some kick out of making me ask for the fucking money every week?

[MattDillonsPants]

Or better...

[OptimisticSix]

Yes it is a control thing, one of my exes does exactly the same. Then once he's paid it hell call back, ask me to check its there and wait for a thank-you!!!! Drives me crazy, and I try never to say thank you although sometimes I slip up :D

[MrSnow]

So the reason you think it is no big deal is ultimately you were a lazy inconsiderate bastard just like her ex husband who no doubt thought she should be grateful you were paying anything.

As long as she is getting the money every Friday then it really isn't that big a deal.

[Divathecat]

How about just texting him with "Its Friday"

[MrSnow]

Yes it is a control thing, one of my exes does exactly the same. Then once he's paid it hell call back, ask me to check its there and wait for a thank-you!!!! Drives me crazy, and I try never to say thank you although sometimes I slip up .

It really isn't a control thing. Why do you think the man that you left because he was in fact, utterly useless, is now going to be Captain Wonderboy and do everything awesomely and on time?

Seriously, if you're getting the correct amount of money on or near enough on time every month then you really shouldn't be getting so stressed out about it.

[carabos]

My XH used to be the same. To add insult to injury, when the cheque would eventually arrive it was written and signed by his DW - apparently she administered their bank accounts so she got to decide when if the maintenance was paid and how much .

[LadyReuleaux]

The trouble with people like Mr Snow and my ex (glad you have finally reformed though MrS) is that they don't understand that constantly "forgetting" shows that, even at best, it's not something that is basically very important to you.

My ex "forget" countless times about something sensitive that really mattered to me and that he had promised he would remember. (It wasn't difficult, expensive or anything.) Exes who "forget" maintenance are the same – it really matters but they are showing it doesn't matter to them.

Strangely these men probably don't "forget" to do vital aspects of their job, feed themselves, etc.

There are two possibilities – either they are deliberately accidentally-on-purpose "forgetting" as a power play (though I admit that may be subconscious in some cases) -or they are simply revealing that things like vital living expenses for their kids really aren't that important to them.

Either way it is far from a good look. It does not make it OK if they are simply "being crap" or being forgetful, because if they don't forget other stuff that affects them, then I call selective forgetfulness. The only way I'll accept someone forgot to do DD repeatedly for years on end is if they have Oliver Sacks-style levels of brain malfunction. Which they don't as they're holding down a job.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Ha, loving all the creative ways of owning this texting situation; particularly the gifs!

If it is a control/power thing is will certainly become decidedly less potent if you start enjoying - nay, revelling - in this weekly chore. Send those (hilarious? sarcastic? empowering??) texts with glee!!

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

...he'll be begging you to stop, "please, I'll set up a direct debit, I'll do anything!"

[MrSnow]

Lady,

Constantly forgetting isn't exactly the same as sending it the same day, every week, every month etc just because it's not in the account when you wake up but is there by tea time.

[LadyReuleaux]

Seriously, if you're getting the correct amount of money on or near enough on time every month then you really shouldn't be getting so stressed out about it.

Would you like to apply that to your employer maybe?

You have to remind them every week (not month) to pay you. If you don't, they don't pay you. You shouldn't be getting stressed about not being paid, as long as you get it eventually, right? You shouldn't be stressed about you always having to remember to do the reminder if you want the money?

I'm not saying a resident parent is the NRP's employee, but it's similar in that it's money the ex owes OP and that she is fully entitled to in recompense for what she is doing - raising his kids. That money is hers.

[MrSnow]

Lady,

It's not the same thing, I don't like the analogy to be honest.

Of course the money is hers but if what's the difference if she gets it at 7.15am or 16.30pm

[LadyReuleaux]

Well, you are making it just about the time delay of a few hours, but that's not the key issue. The key issue is the responsibility being dumped on OP to make sure it happens, and the stress of not being able to rely on it coming. Even if it is just a few hours late, if you don't know it's coming and you were made to beg for it, that's a helping of horrible stress every week.

[TendonQueen]

What an arse. Start sending the text on Thursday and see if he pays then, or if the reminder strangely only works on the day he should be paying anyway.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Ok my Ex was exactly the same! He paid weekly and i had to text every week to remind him. (I never said please though as i dont think i should for his own child's maintenance) if i didnt text he wouldnt send it.

So without warning him i just stopped texting and then when he hadnt sent any for a couple of weeks i contacted CSA and opened a claim. He has to pay monthly now and i dont remind him. He knows i'm taking no shit anymore and will go straight back to CSA.

IME being too soft on this gets your nowhere. You dont need him to like you, you just need him to pay his chld support.

[silvermantela]

why don't you set up the reminder text, but for the Sat/Monday after? So instead of saying 'Can I have the money please?' on the Friday, you're sending 'You haven't paid the money as agreed,' every single week. So you are not politely begging him to do something, you are pointing out he hasn't done what he is legally and ethically supposed to do.

This would
a) put the onus back on him, as it should be,
b) hopefully piss him off!
c) be evidence if you ever needed to raise something with CS/other agency in the future that he consistently pays late and needs reminding/isn't trustworthy or accountable.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Of course the money is hers but if what's the difference if she gets it at 7.15am or 16.30pm

She might be skint?

[sashh]

A relative had a situation when ex paid maintenance a day later each month so eventually she was a month behind, she waited until then to send a fax to his work (this was 1980s) saying, 'you are a month behind on your maintenance' she also included the amount, but this was Australia and I think there is a minimum and that meant who ever picked up the fax would know he was paying the minimum.

He was furious but paid on time.

Maybe you could write to his employer and say that as it has been every week for four years could they arrange to pay you directly from his pay packet?

Or Ask for 52 post dated cheques made out for each Wednesday so the money will clear by Friday.

Or how about a calendar made up of pictures of his children and a big red circle on each Friday with -remember to pay maintenance on it. Send it to his work with no name so it will be opened and others will see it, write a note saying 'I thought you could put this above your desk'.

You could also set up email alerts, set them up for each day of the week.

Sunday - you have to pay money for your children on Friday
Monday - don't forget you have children who need to be fed - pay them this Friday

get increasingly more sarcastic - I'm sure MN could help.

Or how about PMing a group of us his number so we can organise a mas text, all at the same time on Friday morning, or every 10 mins from 6.00am?

Actually you could download an auto text program and set it to text him every Friday at 7am

[TaraCarter]

Of course the money is hers but if what's the difference if she gets it at 7.15am or 16.30pm

Well, I can tell you right now that having my Friday wages bouncing around the clock like that would have screwed me right up. That time difference in hours affects when you can go shopping (shift work), whether your direct debits could bounce and land you with unplanned overdraft fees, and adds a spice of uncertainty to whether you can afford your daily/weekly travel pass on Friday morning.

[MrSnow]

Maybe I'm in the wrong, I usually am, but do you guys really think your weekly maintenance payments are like "wages"?

Take control and go through the CSA, it's what they are there for.

[DramaInPyjamas]

So many of us in the same position.

I was fed up texting every week and being fobbed off with excuse after excuse.

After a few weeks of him saying he was a bit short on cash so couldn't send any,
I politely texted him and said if he was feeling a bit shy in asking, I could maybe FB a few of his friends/family/GF and ask if they could lend him some money to ride him over.

It's funny that he managed to send me what I was owed within minutes of me texting that

[DramaInPyjamas]

I now use an automated app called Delayd.
You can customise the text and schedule and the best thing is that it come from an anonymous number which he can't text back.
I customised mine to look quite official as if it may came from CMS/DWP, and have had no delayed payments ever since 

[Writerwannabe83]

He sounds like an idiot.

A bit like MrSnow really.

I really despair when I read some posts about men and their compmete incapability to just be a functional adult.

The fact he needs reminding EVERY week about something that is so important shows how little providing for his children means to him.

I would absolutely be threatening him with the CSA unless he starts reliably paying without having to be chased for it. He's not a teenager that needs reminding of his responsibilities.

I think he enjoys waiting for you to beg for it - stop giving him the satisfaction.

[Oreosaretasty]

On payday I
pay my rent
pay my council tax, electric, gas, water, virgin bill etc and a few more bits and bobs
Some of these payments are automatic (ie standing order) some (rent, Gas, electric, virgin) are not and I have to manually pay.
Can you imagine my landlord/creditors having to text me to REMIND me to put the money in?! its not on. Once in a while annoying but fair enough but every single week for the last few years he's taking the piss, That isn't forgetful thats downright cuntish, i'd be inclined to think he was being controlling too especially if he was controlling while with you.

[ElspethFlashman]

Wow Drama that's amazing, actually.