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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is ex DHs last bit of control

124 replies

Thenitnurse · 06/05/2016 09:08

He pays maintenance every friday. The same amount for the last four years.

Yet every single week without fail I have to text him and remind him to pay it in. 5 minutes after i've text him he'll pay it in and reply 'done'.

If I don't text and ask he doesn't pay it until I do.

Since he's been paying it now for four years I doubt he just forgets.

I've tried being nice, for 6 months I just text 'money please', I sent funny memes about waiting for child support, I've tried asking to set up a DD (not possible as he pays it out of different accounts apparently). I've tried leaving it and not asking, it doesn't get paid until I do.

AIBU to think this is his last bit of control, that basically he gets some kick out of making me ask for the fucking money every week?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 06/05/2016 09:39

You are misinformed as there are no fees or percentage unless he doesn't pay with csa. He is assessed, told to do a standing order and left too it. It depends how much you want to push it.
My ex did the same. I got fed up of asking. So I went down the csa route... he pays now without being asked and more than he was before if he hadn't had been a controlling twat.

fourkids · 06/05/2016 09:40

CSM would only charge the fee to set it up. They wouldn't put him on collect and pay because he has been paying. They'd just do the calculation and tell him how much to pay and the payment schedule. THEN if he doesn't pay, they could (and only could, not would - they are pretty rubbish at doing so) start collecting and charging to do so.
It would mean you could stop thinking about it except once a year at review time.

GinAndSonic · 06/05/2016 09:40

Cms don't take a percentage if you choose to have him pay direct. They will send a letter with the amount to be paid and the dates on which it should be paid. They do however chase him for the money if you contact them to tell them he hasn't paid. And charge him a fee for having to chase him. My ex pays since I got the cms involved. He refused before.

ElspethFlashman · 06/05/2016 09:42

Though I will add as I don't think you'll do that -

If you must set up an automated text make sure to make it clear it's actually automated.

So he gets "Automated Reminder - Child Support Due" pop up on his phone. So he is fully aware you are not wasting one single thought on him.

I imagine it will make him try to engage with silly spurious questions - the equivalent of "hey! Notice me!" but you can answer them after 12 hrs to show how unimportant he is.

Or as an extreme example he may suddenly react by saying "can't afford it today" to force you to text him directly.

In that case I would strongly urge you to refrain from playing his game, but it's up to you.

Penfold007 · 06/05/2016 09:43

Take the power away from him and go through the CMS. If he fails to pay and they have to deduct from source you'll lose 4% he on the other hand will pay 20% more - his choice

Marmaladeday · 06/05/2016 09:45

I feel you. Every single Tuesday I have to text my ex and ask his shift so I can see when he will pick up Dd. I used to send really polite ones but now I have a saved shortcut that just says 'time?' I honestly think he is so dim he hasn't noticed a difference in time but it is infuriating!

Given that you are stuck on CSA and need the money I would just lower it down to 'kids money'and leave it at that. If he moans point out that he is a grown fucking man not a six year old.

mamas12 · 06/05/2016 09:46

Would he react to shaming him
Why don't you accidentally send a group text to include his wife and his family and a coup,e of key other people along the lines of I am fed up of having to text you every week please set up a dd to feed your child

AyeAmarok · 06/05/2016 09:51

I really think you should go through CSA too. He'll buck hos ideas up and remember if it will suddenly cost him and extra 20% for being "forgetful"

Plus, how do you know his salary hasn't gone up too in that time?

Cabrinha · 06/05/2016 09:51

I would leave it today.
Wait until he "forgets" again.

Send the same text to him and his wife tomorrow "money not paid yesterday - please pay then set up a weekly reminder on your phone, I won't be sending you reminders every week from now on - it's easier for you to set one up. You can set up a reminder "

Which is all very reasonable.

Next Friday when he doesn't pay again, wait til Saturday. Be up front.

"You need to pay today. I told you to set up a reminder. I told you I wouldn't remind you again - I am not prepared to continue playing your silly game. If you miss a FRIDAY payment in future I will go to the CMS so that they can handle the reminders".

Get ducks in a row with CMS.

Wait for the following Friday.
Do not remind.
Do not react.
Sit tight.
Make the next word on it be a CMS letter.

Cabrinha · 06/05/2016 09:53

Especially if he's underpaying which I suspect he is.

KittenOfWoe · 06/05/2016 09:56

Cabrinha beautifully put.
It's a total dick move he's doing.

LitteRedSparkle · 06/05/2016 09:59

fuck that, i would set up an automated reminder, and set it to go even when he ha paid in (cos that'' annoy him as well)

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 06/05/2016 09:59

Could you take a photo of your DC with sad faces and empty bowls in front of them and send that photo each week instead? I'm half joking. (Channel your inner DAily Fail)

coffeeisnectar · 06/05/2016 09:59

It takes approximately 2 mins to set up a standing order via online banking. Why on earth can't he do this?

Pseudo341 · 06/05/2016 10:01

It's only controlling if you let it. Is there some way you can automate the text so that it sends the same thing at the same time every Friday and you have no part in it? He can sit at his end feeling all pleased with himself about making you ask while you're getting on with your life and not giving a shit. Yes he's being a knob and you shouldn't have to keep asking him but really life is too short to invest too much effort into this. Also, if the text arrives bang on the dot of 9 every Friday he may eventually twig that it's automated and you're not actually bothering to send it yourself and that will really piss him off :)

Don't let him get away with underpaying though.

Boomingmarvellous · 06/05/2016 10:01

I'm sure it's a bit of vindictiveness on his part or he would just set up a standing order and save himself the bother.

If you can't manage a practical way of reminding him automatically, don't let it get to you. He can only control your emotions if you allow it. Just look upon it as a regular, boring, unimportant monthly chore, like cleaning the dishwasher filter.

Marquand · 06/05/2016 10:03

What a turd.

MrSnow · 06/05/2016 10:08

Let me get this straight, it' costs you one whole text and you then you get the money straight away?

Marynary · 06/05/2016 10:10

It is very annoying but he probably isn't doing it to be controlling. It is more likely that it is not that important to him as he doesn't care about inconveniencing you so he doesn't make the effort to remember or set reminders. As the saying goes, "never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence." Try not to let it annoy you and just be glad that you don't have to live with him anymore as he sounds like a pain in the arse.
He may not want to set up a direct debit or standing order but there is no excuse to not set himself a reminder and I would ask him to do that. If the money still doesn't arrive, I would see if you can set up an automatic reminder so that you don't let it take up any of your headspace.

BillSykesDog · 06/05/2016 10:12

Jesus, some people on here are really advising the OP to cut off her nose to spite her face. It's a minor pain in the arse. The alternative of sparking off a CSA battle which will a) cause the OP unecessary financial hardship, b) cause unecessary acrimony is just silly over such a minor inconvenience.

The only way I can see him getting satisfaction out of this is if the OP let's him know it's bothering her. Just sending the text and never mentioning it again is the easiest way of removing that satisfaction.

But the OP and her children not being out of pocket and the children not being exposed to unecessary acrimony is far more important than punishing him. The OP has to be the bigger person here and rise above it.

Akire · 06/05/2016 10:13

Why should she have to ask every week though MrSnow do you not find his behaviour totally unresonsble. Surely it takes longer to log onto your bank once that it would do set up DD.

blindsider · 06/05/2016 10:13

Mr Snow

Let me get this straight, it' costs you one whole text and you then you get the money straight away?

That isn't the point , she shouldn't have to ask for it, it is his responsibility to pay it not hers to ask for it!!

It is like he is doing her a favour..

Akire · 06/05/2016 10:14

Or he could set up weekly alert on his phone or his wife phone or he could just remember not we go with let ex "nag" every week instead and get her annoyed in process. She's got 13more years of this only another 676 texts to go

MattDillonsPants · 06/05/2016 10:15

MrSnow Are you new here?

OP...send a text with "Can you guess what I'm reminding you about?"

Or just a ?

Reduce them to simple full stops.

Find ways of not actually asking

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 06/05/2016 10:17

Akire why would his wife set up a reminder on her phone? Confused

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