Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

Well done your son has been so brave and you've been so amazing

That's a good point, Youarenotkiddingme. Also ask for a copy of your letter to be put on your son's file along with a note of what action the school takes, if any.

They really don't like those sort of paper trails and, for some reason, they don't automatically put these things on the file, unless specifically asked. (I wouldn't wait around to hear them refuse though - make it so that they will have to write their refusal down).

Mainly though - good luck with the new school.

If people knew how schools can behave to parents of the most vulnerable children, after those children have been hideously failed by that school, it would be a national scandal. By definition, there is a minority affected in terms of children. But the damage done is appalling.

My own son went to an Infants school like your son's. I feel guilt at the 8 months he spent there, too. But he is now very settled and well cared for elsewhere. There are really good schools out there, too. The fact he was happy and popular at primary is a great sign.

If considering private I wouldn't worry about the age range, just the overall size of school. And I would look at the OFSTED Parent View, NOT the OFSTED report - Parent View is like Tripadvisor for schools, essentially. It lets you know if there seem to be real rumblings of concern amongst the parents. (And leave your own Parent View scores for the school you are removing him from, while you still can - that way, other parents may see it, as well as OFSTED inspectors.)

Oh, and emphatically agree on the paper trail - but not the press. It's perfectly true that schools are terrified of that sort of publicity, but unfortunately your son's peers will all be able to use Google, too.

Absolutely useless school, I'm completely disgusted at their handling of this

Change schools immediately, never send him back. I am devastated reading about how your little boy has been treated

Actually as a pp said, what about seeing if he can start at a different school after the summer holidays. Gives him some time to try and recover from this nightmare

And yes do shout as loudly as you can about this to the relevant authorities.

I'm with sleep It's awful when schools don't support vunerable children.
I sat in a meeting the other day where I got told in a positive way they decided not ro exclude my DS for his behaviour as if they were doing a favour.
Except they wouldn't because there's 7 months worth of paper trail to show I've tried to get support put in. Plus they know I tell la everything now!

Am honestly stunned that teachers would stand by and let this happen! I'm a teacher and it's just shocking that they would victim blame like this whilst defending the bullies. What an awful situation.

Well done for getting him out of there.

You are so right not to send him back...l feel so sad (and very furious) for what he has been through, it must have been hell for him.

Get nasty with the school tomorrow, say you will complain to ofstead, do not believe them if they try to persuade him to return, nothing will keep him safe there.

Give him some time and look for a new school...if you are not at work l wouldn't be in too much of a hurry....could you give him the summer at home and find a new school for September?.

You can keep up his Maths and English easily at home, and let him recover and get over the stress.

Good luck to you and your lovely boy.

l would recommend a private school if you can manage it.....mine have been in both and the discipline is massively tougher in the 2 private schools l have had experience of than the state schools.

With much smaller class sizes there is nothing much that gets missed, go and look at a smaller private school that has a nurturing reputation, The Good Schools Guide will give loads of great unbiased info on what is available in your area, and fees, environment, entry criteria etc.

Am gobsmacked that a school could sweep this under the carpet. Please make a formal complaint when you feel able, the complaints procedure should be on the website - usually head, chair of governors, then DFES/EFA depending on whether it is an academy or not. The police are usually great in these situations as well.

However a few posters have said complain to Ofsted, who aren't interested in indivdiual complaints from parents. There are very few occasions you can complain to Ofsted and you must have exhausted the complaints procedure first. Unfortunately most teachers know this, and when parents come in shouting that they are going to complain to Ofsted, the usual response is go right ahead knowing that they won't get anywhere.

Good luck to both of you. It might be worth seeing of any prospective schools will let him do a taster session, that might help him feel in control of the situation.

Your son's experience is heartbreaking. I took my son out of primary for bullying. I complained, nothing was done, it went on a few more times and that was it. He came out of school for the May half term and never went back. I found another great school by visiting all the local and not so local ones. I looked for small and nurturing and that's what i found. It was a six mile drive but he slotted in immediately and had a lovely time. The school admin helped get everything sorted. It was an incredible relief for everyone.

Find him a new school. You are saving his life really.

Just a post in support of you and your DS, great advice given already. I am shocked at this schools behaviour. Are they idiots? sounds like they are trying to cover their backs. It's unbelievably sad that your boy had to go through this but he told you, he saved himself and now you can both change his world for the better!

So pleased your DS is not going back. Did you tell him that? It would be a massive weight lifted from his shoulders. I wish you both luck and some happy times! I hope DS finds a lovely school and that his school days turn around for him - there ARE lovely schools out there. He will have friends again soon. Best of luck op!

I pulled my daughter out of a primary school after she was assaulted by two boys and the school did nothing. Changed both hers and DS's school but would have homeschooled if need be.

You're doing brilliantly. Similar happened to my wonderful DNephew and he - I'm sorry to say this - tried to hurt himself because of it Once he moved schools he has flourished back into his sweet, happy, gentle self again, and just this afternoon I have been helping him write a speech as he hopes to be elected Head Boy! Things do get better, hang in there

Ive been looking at InterHigh, maybe he could do that while we get a school sorted. I'll keep looking! Still being lazy and on the sofa - I've told him he won't go back, but he isn't sure it's the truth. However, he hasn't been ill yet today thank you all

Just wanted to say I wish your boy the very best. The whole 'victim blaming' culture needs to be recognised and dealt with.

Oh poor poor lad. Keep him off and meet with the authorities to get him started somewhere else. My nephew was bullied And it totally screwed his edu action up. He is fine now and making up lost education but he is nearly 22 so what a lot of wasted years because of nasty little shits and failure to act by those who should have put him first.

sorry have not read past page 2.

I would also be removing my child IMMEDIALTY. You cannot go further with this school, they have showed no willing to help your son at any point.

Its simply not there. They have a duty of care to your son. You can complain, follow procedures etc but how many staff have let you down?

Its probably too late to nip the bullies in the bud now. Its out of control.

Pull him out - the main thing here is - his trust in YOU, IMAGINE if you say you will take him out - the fear that boy must be feeling.

show him YOUR on his side and remove him.

Just skimmed through, you have done the best thing.

well done op. awful situation.

Well done for pot citing your ds - the school sounds like it is being run by an inadequate bunch of cunts

Please, please, please report this school to the authorities. This needs to be taken further.

Wow what a disgustingly shocking school! This sort of thing is why I dread my DCs getting to secondary school age.

I hope you find a great school.

Yes it sounds as though your ds's high school really was properly inadequate. What a bunch of ar*se covering miscreants.

Just skimmed through this op.

I'm an army brat who had a shot time in secondary school, one thing that really helped was my mum going to bat for me.

I'm pleased you have removed your ds1. He is safe and knows he loved and important. He matters and that will go a long way towards healing.

I know you are focussing on finding another school at the moment but I hope you are also thinking about bringing these teachers to task. You may be able to bring about change and stop some other dc being subjected to this.

In your position I would be looking at the school complaints process and the bullying policy.

Write to the appropriate person (I'm guessing chair of governors) detailing every incident in chronological order, photos etc-your file will help- what the school response was and how it made you feel.
I would request a written explanation for why they responded in a certain way and how they felt it was in keeping with their bullying policy.
Involve your Ds in this, it will help him to process what's happened and enable him to become a survivor rather than a victim.
C.c the local authority and maybe your MP.

I would also speak to the police, even if its just for advice.

I think that your Ds will recover from this horrible experience thanks to your support.

Atrocious behaviour from the school - just shocking - yes keep him off and follow all the great advice you will have got on this thread

Sending healing vibes to your son - this will get better xx

So upset for you both