Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

You're a superstar OP

Remove and sue for neglect.
People go on and on about not enough respect for teachers - observe.
Parents feel ignored and kids like the miscreants who bully your son know they can get away with murder with a tap on the hand.
Would all teachers let this behaviour slide? No. But too many do.
- I'm so sorry x

Thanks for sharing all this. DS (12) is going through some similar problems, school have been some limited help so it hasn't escalated as much, but I'm sure if I showed him the OP he would burst into tears and say "that's why I'm always asking to be homeschooled". It staggers me how much some school teachers are in denial about how vile and manipulative kids can be.

We've had the same thing where DS gets the punishment and behaviour record when he finally lashes out after the endless taunting.

you sound like a brilliant Mum. Hope that you find somewhere else for him soon.

"I feel awful, I let him stay for 7 months, but the school said that by letting them deal with it, I was doing the best for him, but they weren't dealing with it at all"

They weren't and hindsight's a wonderful thing but it's them who have failed your son, not you. You're doing a fantastic job and showing him thatwhen it counts, you're fighting his corner and haven't / won't back down. It's something he'll never forget.

It wasn't bullying but there was a time when I really needed my parents. To see that they absolutely were on my side and would do anything to make me feel safe is a feeling I remember 30 years on.

Why in the world have you not contacted police? That's a judicial assault? The fucking school needs to learn. You need to protect him

That is shockingly bad pastoral care!

For comparison, my son's comp take any bullying very seriously, both HoY and pastoral care worker get involved, individual meeting with all the kids involved. Then checking back with the "victim" if he is happy about how it was resolved, and records kept at the school of every incident (so patterns/regular offenders can be easily spotted).

Communication with parents throughout, and telling them how they are handling it.

And that is just our normal local comp, not even an "outstanding one"

Bullying can happen everywhere, but it is HOW a school deals with it that makes the difference.

Good luck. In your shoes I would trust my instincts and take him out.

"Physical" not "judicial" urrghhh

This is awful, why are they in such denial and brushing it all off? Surely all incidents should be investigated even if there is doubt. I thought we'd come a long way since the 80s.. You are a wonderful mum. I would definitely take him out because it isn't going to get better, the boys will continue for the next 4 years and he will continue to not get support. Hope he'll be happier soon OP

Thank you all again, sorry to hear about your experiences, but it's nice to know he isn't alone!

I've sent out a few emails, so just waiting to hear replies (mainly to schools - private)...

I need some advice, for state schools, do I email them too? If so, what do I say? Or does it have to be through the local authority?

Just ordered our pizza and ice-cream, for 5! He decided to go with a large with stuff crust! Oh, and I whole pot of Ben & Jerrys! He's a cheeky sod I just want to see him happy - some of the schools we have looked at look "super cool" in his eyes, so that's a good start

State schools have to be LA (but direct if they are academies). however, a quick call will tell you if they have spaces and if they do a tour might be in order before the LEA is formally approached.

Personally, i would do tours of them all. Explain the situation and see who reacts more favourably and then I'd be trying to find out if I could get someone official (and medical) to say that your DS has a medical need due to his experiences

Charlie

Well done. Well done you for listening to him and removing him from such an environment.

Although you will both probably be feeling shock, panic and much relief, you will always look back and know you did the right thing.

As a start, I would do a complaint letter, detailing everything, and cc it to the head, local authority, chair of governors and ofsted. Secondly, if you wanted to report these assaults to the police I think you can do this online as a non emergency. May be easier for you.

Also don't forget to formally deregister, as I think some posters have already said. Really easy and you can get all the info online. In our letter we simply put that we were home educating whilst searching for a more appropriate setting. Good luck to you. And well done. Hope your son I feeling much better soon .

some of the schools we have looked at look "super cool" in his eyes, so that's a good start.

It's great. Most children love school and it sounds like he did in primary. The fact he can be positive about other schools is fantastic.

If you can, please post back here when he's settled and happy. I think there are a lot of people who'll feel delighted reading a "previosly-bullied son has made friends and loves his new school" post.

Did I miss the bit where you've explained why the police haven't been involved following the assault on your son?

I am so relieved you've taken him out of that place op, well done. I'd really go to town on shaming the school now if it were me.

I hope your son enjoys his pizza and ice cream - a big recommendation from me is Ben & Jerry's Phish Food! Guaranteed for instant feelings of well being!

Does - if you're referring to the assault by the Year 11s, that happened Tuesday. Do you not understand how utterly traumatised my son was at the teachers rudeness and then refusing to call me when he was in absolute tears? Sometimes it's best to leave things a few days and make sure my son's mental and emotional state is better. I also have had a conversation about moving forward with it, he hasn't wanted to make a statement yet. When he wants to, I will take him. However, right now, I'm finding a new school for my son and taking things further with the school.

I'm not sure if you 'missed the bit' where I said I have a whole folder of incidents I'll be taking to the police?

I'd really go to town on shaming the school now if it were me.

Absolutely and DH, ex- headteacher, totally agrees (I know DHS' opinions are not welcome on MN but in this case maybe OK)

Certainly get on to the police and every one else suggested above. Make as much trouble and work fior the school as possible.

Charlie was there ever any indication from his primary school that he might be seen as goady, provocative or attention seeking? Did he makes friends easily and normally there, and was he ever a target for bullies due to being a bit difficult or unusual? It seems remarkably odd that he should have this apparent personality transplant in only seven months that causes others to suddenly need to kick him and prod him with scissors in order to defend themselves.

I wonder if it might be possible to speak to his old school to see if you can get any insight into how they viewed his behaviour and peer relationships before? It might help to have someone else's opinion on this, as well as collating old school reports with comments about his social interaction etc, to use assure governors or anyone else who becomes involved with investigating this, that he is not doing anything to bring this on himself. Perhaps if he is now behaving oddly, it's as a result of being pushed to far and for too long and he is starting to snap, which you could hardly blame him for.

Just ring the state schools.

Although some (non-academies) will have to be formally applied to via the LA, it is (IME) entirely normal and much easier to call the school themselves first - certainly if you want to see round, talk about the situation etc then you call the school. They will advise you if you then need to go via the LA for formal application.

That's heartbreaking to read and absolutely appalling by the staff. I would demand to see the head regardless of if she was too busy to bother herself with bullying.

Also suggest getting local paper involved - you might find the school dramatically takes an interest when faced with bad PR?

Need to get your son out of there though because even if the kids are brought under control, they'll still be looking for opportunities now they now they get a reaction.

CharlieJamie - I know some posters can be abrasive. I got that too when I posted asking for help.

I didn't appreciate it much as I read it - I felt bullied tbh! - but a few hours later it began to sink in that they were right. The situation can become normalised when you are in the middle of it and sometimes it takes outsiders to see it.

It took me 24 hours to wake up, and like others have said to you, dealing with the situation is something I will never regret.

My DS is in a much healthier environment now. I am still a bit shaken over what he endured for so long, and like you I feel guilty. However, being the means by which the abuse stops helps a lot with the guilt.

(I hope I am not talking in riddles! I am trying to distil down a lot of experiences and emotions. Basically I am saying that you are doing all the right things and the worst is over for your DS).

I'm so sorry that this is happening to your poor son, secondary school really can be shit can't it.
SIL had similar problems with niece last year after they had had to move and transfer schools (Y10 then), has always been quiet girl, at the new school she didn't have any good friends, and so hung out in school library, where she got (low-level) bullied by some girls in her year. Then on the way home, some of the boys in 6th form at her school started following her back (groups of 3/4), who supposedly threatened to beat her up, (amongst other things). My brother decided to talk to the school after niece always called for a lift home to avoid the boys, but the school said that they could do nothing, as there was no proof that the boys were doing anything, and of course denied even knowing her when they were spoken to. Anyway, to cut a long story short, this went on for quite some time, with the school continually saying that wouldn't do anything about it, and in the end poor niece got so depressed parents just decided to take her out of school, and she is now tutored at home before her GCSEs, and is thriving being at home and having no problems and one on one schooling - I definitely think this is an option you should consider for your son, but best of luck in the meantime xx

Can't believe you were told to lower your voice! Cheeky arseholes, excuse my language! I would have retorted I'll lower my voice when you start doing what you're paid for and pull your finger out.

Let your DS enjoy not thinking about it. I don't think he'll miss much not going to school until September if necessary but you might find somewhere after half term or straight away if private. I wouldn't worry about schools going up 3-18, they're often segregated in some way and you won't notice the size.

That school has failed him. However, don't go to the papers as he'll continue to be a target for bullying. Make sure he's not being cyber bullied either and if he is get some screen shots. In my DS's case he was cyber bullied. I got screen shots and told the deputy. He said he knew one of the boy's older brothers who said he'd never do that! I said I've got screen shots and I'll be dropping them in. They did not want to know. What's happening to your DS makes me livid, it really does as I know exactly what you're going through.

Well done CharlieJamie

I agree with annielouise except I would say " Did you say lower my voice or lower my expectations of your ability to keep children safe!"

And I agree "...don't go to the papers as he'll continue to be a target for bullying. Make sure he's not being cyber bullied either and if he is get some screen shots."

annielouise what did you say when they said "He said he knew one of the boy's older brothers who said he'd never do that! I said I've got screen shots and I'll be dropping them in. They did not want to know." ?? How appalling.

Wow - well done charlie

Now don't forget to email them about the minutes - pointing out the pints you raised and their comments above to them. They need to be on a paper trail somewhere.

I find not turning it into an argument - more a dialogue helps. So.... "We discussed DS deteriorating MH. I pointed out its coincided with bullying and probably linked. However you feel it could be attention seeking behaviour. I'm seeking a GP appointment for a professionals opinion on this'.