Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

Charlie,

Withdraw your DS from the school today - just write a deregistration letter (any HE website will have a standard one for you to use). It is your legal right to HE, and 'deschooling' - ie doing nothing that looks like school work - is an entirely recognised part of HE, so you don't have to 'do' anything at all for a while - even for the rest of the summer term, ready for a fresh start in September if needed.

Then contact every possible other school. You'll probably need to
a) Discuss the situation with someone there by telephone (probably not just a receptionist)
b) Make a preliminary visit (probably by yourself, because it will enable you to be very open about your DS, and to ask some very penetrating questions)
c) Re-visit a shortist of schools with your DS - he is old enough to be involved in the choice.

then make applications, prepare for appeals if they are oversubscribed etc. If your DS wants to do some educational things, then that's fine - it can be as unstructured as projects on what he is interested in, or as formal as buying Maths textbooks and working through them. up to you.

Just FWIW, I deregistered DS (in primary - he had become a selective mute due to stress, partly caused by bullying) for a few months - HE 'mended' him and he then absolutely flew in a new school, and his speech issue never came back.

As to whether a private or state school is better - it will depend obviously on finances, and also on the specific school. if it would be financially possible, then definitely worth a phone call and visit alongside the other options (when I moved DS, we visited all the state and the private options ... a state school was the 'best fit' in the end)

I don't think going to the local newspaper would be much help at this point. It could inflame the situation because everyone will have an opinion and some won't be helpful or kind.

Well done for everything you've done OP, enjoy today with your lovely boy!

Missed the fact that your DH is in the forces - does that make him a Pupil Premium child? Agree with Hattie that enlisting the forces staff as 'backup' wold be a brilliant idea, and there may well be avenues open that might not be for other families ... good luck!

I have no new advice but have to say I am absolutely appalled on your behalf.

I would follow through with the police and Ofsted, governors, everyone that could possibly be interested. And second all PP who said keep your DS off school, he doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and by those who are meant to be 'in loco parentis'

Meanwhile you sound like a fantastic Mum OP and I am sure your DS will never forget how you fought for him and listened to him.

Brilliant idea to contact your DH welfare unit. Get all the help you can. Don't send him back and make an appointment to view the private school ASAP.

Thanks all, looking online as we speak!

Hattie - I never realised they'd be able to help with finding my son a school? They have been helpful for a couple of other things, but never knew that was an option - very handy to know, so thank you!

There are some lovely Private Schools here - some are very reasonably priced, but they are pretty big, covering from 3-18. I'm not sure that will suit him, so I will have to see what he likes the sound of, when it comes to it.

Martial arts seems like a really good idea - he was on a cricket team (with our village) but he has recently stopped showing any interest - maybe he'll get back into that! He does do horse riding though (something else he was bullied for ). I'd love to look into getting him a horse... I think that could really help with the recovery process. However, I don't want my 4 year old thinking I'm abandoning him! I'm quite lucky he is at school today

I would also at least ring the police to discuss whether it is worth taking any further with them.

Governors and Ofsted - well, they probably won't take much notice of a complaint from someone who has already left BUT you should at least send a full letter and a copy of your folder of evidence to the governors so that there is a paper trail next time a parent complains about their handling of bullying...

The school are awful, frankly they do not deserve to have your son. Mine would never set foot there again. But yes, go to the police, write to the governors and to OFSTED. Don't let them get away with it.

Private could be an option but just because youre laying for it doesn't mean it's better. At the same time in my experience there's significantly less bullying. It doesn't mean it won't happen or doesn't but there seems to be less. Children aren't ostracised for working harder or being quieter.

I went to a public school and my husband is the chead of one.

It's terrible what's happening to you both but your son, seeing how you've got his back and when you tell him he doesn't have to stand for it any more will realise how lucky he is.

Best of luck.

This made me sad, your poor poor son.

I'm horrified at how the school have been about it all, but you're doing the right thing keeping records and taking note of their responses to you.

I haven't got much to add really to pps. In terms of action against the bullies and the school - consider going to the police, definitely complain to governors/ Ofsted/ LEA. In terms of your DS - ask him what he wants you to do about it all, consider counselling, lots of snuggles!

If you/ him don't want to go down the counselling route, help him to process the trauma. Tbh sounds like you're already doing that, you sound lovely. Maybe encourage him to start a journal, and help him to talk lots about what's happened.

Not sure of your work situation but as others have said you could consider de-registering him and home educating, maybe until the summer holidays and then you could look at him going to another school in September. That would give him a bit of time to recover from it all before he starts again. It would also give him some time for physical recovery - the lack of sleep and sickness must have taken a toll.

You're doing fab, keep doing what you're doing!

I also think you need to sell the departure to him so he doesn't see it as a failure on his part. Something along the lines of, "I'm so very proud of how you have toughed it out all these months, but that school is rubbish and the teachers and head are are all rubbish. We want much better for you and are going to send you somewhere much better. They don't deserve a kid like you".

Ahhh, thank you all so much, truly touched by your words. I feel awful, I let him stay for 7 months, but the school said that by letting them deal with it, I was doing the best for him, but they weren't dealing with it at all.

I'm only a chef, not a big deal, but it was just to get a little money why DSs were at school - it's okay though, I can leave, if my son needs me more. I have savings from my dad's death; he wouldn't mind if I needed to use some for my son, I know he wouldn't. I'm not sure HE would be a good longterm thing - I have A-Levels (only passed 2) but not particularly academic! I think it would be fine to have him home until September though

Another one saying get him out. Don'twaste months and months trying to make the school do something - they clearly aren't listening.

Focus your attention on changing schools by September, ready for a fresh start in Y8. Work out all the options available and go and see them all (state and affordable private options). Private schools will usually offer a taster day so your DS can attend and get the real measure of the place.

Good liuck & best wishes to your DS

how did you stay calm during that meeting?

Hope you have a lovely day together :)

I wasn't calm, I was absolutely fuming, told to lower my voice but then the tears came gushing, I tried. But I just couldn't hold back... The fact they don't even care was sickening!

Oh, btw, minute the meeting and send it to them so that they agree that was what they said - useful evidence.

The school sounds absolutely shocking. Id still be going to the police regardless if what they said just to piss them off !

They told you to lower your voice???!!! My god what a shower, yes to making every complaint you can possibly can (without wasting your precious time, life and energy!).

Don't be put off by schools that take from 3-18 .it can be a huge advantage to not have to change again when you are settled and they will normally be split in various blocks so they don't feel so huge .
Big fan of horses. They are a great escape . Why not see if local stables does a loan scheme rather than buy one ? Fun without the responsibility Wish you so much luck. Your son is lucky to have you

Charlie. I think we all would have been the same. You've been brilliant.

As a forces family are you eligible for the boarding school allowance? Maybe a small supportive private boarding school with strong pastoral care for weekly boarding could be an option too for September?

Take him out - agree with everyone else on here. We took DS1 out last year, and the look on his face when we told him he didn't have to go back to school again - he was so, so relieved. Your poor lovely boy and poor you. You will both come through this, but he needs to be removed from that toxic environment. I'm disgusted by the attitude of the school. And you were absolutely right not to tell him off for swearing.
I think DS1 found it helpful to hear of how many people he really admires had been bullied at school - Daniel Radcliffe, Stephen Spielberg, Ed Sheeran.
What he found most helpful though was the help he got from Kidscape - a charity that helps bullied children. He was one of the lucky ones who got a weekend away with them. He met other bullied children, and made friends with them. They were all - without exception - lovely, gentle children. They get encouraged to do activities that stretch them a little bit - the thinking is that it gives them back some of the confidence and the self-esteem that the bullies took away. Please get in touch with them - tell them how badly bullied your son has been - and they will do their best to help.
My heart breaks for you and for your boy.

Here's the link to Kidscape:

www.kidscape.org.uk

One of the worst things about being bullied, and being the parent of a bullied child, is how alone you feel. You're not alone. There are people out there who will help.