To ask how you deal with stranger danger?

[Coffeecreamers]

I have always told my kids not to go off with strangers and thought he would be reasonably streetwise. However, a conversation with my 8 yr old DS tonight has really made me think. I have been reading about little Keith Bennett and I asked him if he would go off with a stranger and he said no. I then asked him what he would do if he was playing in the front garden and a car pulled up - the person in the car said he had a new toy for him. I asked DS what he would do and he said he would say thank you very much. I asked him if he would run to the car and he said of course he would. I asked him what he would do if he was estranged from us in the park and someone asked him if he would look for their lost puppy and he said of course he would help. I have told him that no, he does not do that. He asked why and I told him that there are not many but some people that like to hurt children. He was asking what had happened to the children that had been hurt and I couldn't bear to tell him. What do you say to your kids?

Yes, I would agree with the teaching boundaries and never go anywhere without telling mummy/daddy first.

When my daughter was 4/5 she lost sight of me in a shop. I was actually really close by, but she'd turned round, couldn't see me and panicked. The next thing i knew, there was a tannoy announcement because she'd followed the instructions directly and found a shop worker to tell them she'd lost her mummy.

She isn't scared of strangers, she will chat to most people, but she also knows not to leave school with anyone, even my best friends who do sometimes collect her, if I have not got a message to her first. I always do. No exceptions.

I used to tell DC that if they lost me they should stay where they are and I will find them. They understood how hard it is to find someone if they move to a different place or are moving around.

If an adult says they'll help them find me they had to say that the adult could wait with them if they wanted to make sure they were found but that I'd told them they had to stay where they are.

I had to do this after I lost a very young DS in Debenhams in Manchester. I found him holding hands and walking with a friendly lady who was taking him to a security guard. It is shocking seeing your DC so trusting with a stranger even if they're helping.

Now if I saw a lost child I would just wait with them (or hover if I didn't want to alarm them or make them talk to a stranger) until they were found, rather than take them somewhere else to find their parent. How on earth is a DC supposed to judge if it's a friendly genuine helper or something else? I wouldn't want to encourage that in someone else's DC or force them to make that choice.

Better to stay where they are and tell the adult they can wait there with them, if necessary. You can always ask someone else to look for the parent and bring them to the child. It would be pretty easy to spot the person who has lost their DC.

Don't forget that poor little Keith Bennett was picked up by Myra Hindley and Ian Brady. Had it been Brady on his own, it's far less likely he would have gone off with him.

And as Bacony says, I've taught my daughter to scream and shout if anyone tries to grab her. She is far more confident and outspoken than I was. I was far too tolerant and polite as a child and put up with being groped a couple of times. I was brought up Catholic so thought it was my fault.

My parents were quite naive, they had warned me about not taking sweeties, but nothing else - except we knew we could always ask a policeman for help.

Out with DF, aged quite small, he took his eye off me, and a man came up and asked if I'd like to see some kittens. Well, even at that age I was dubious - but kittens! Suffice to say that I realised something was up before anything really awful happened.

This was back in the 50's. Obviously terrypratchet stranger danger was the least of my worries

(BTW at an older age, also due to parental and my naivety (and the totally unexpected nature of the assaults, which froze me), I also suffered mild(ish!) but deeply affecting sexual abuse from a supposed friend of my parents.

That was back in the 60's.

I'm fine now.)

They're statistically far more likely to be abused by someone they know than a random stranger off the street. Abductions are extremely rare, seriously... And you can't teach them to never talk to any strangers at all, that's quite frankly ludicrous. We all talk to strangers every day as part of normal every day life. The vast majority of people you pass on the street aren't monsters.

My DS is very cautious and wouldn't trust easily at all. He'd insist on coming to ask me first. DD1, however, complete mind of her own. She's outgoing and talks to everyone. She says hello to every person that passes on the street and doesn't understand why the odd person doesn't reciprocate. I really like this part of her and don't want to make her go in on herself in any way. But obviously I tell her she's never to go off with someone she doesn't know and always needs to ask me first. She wouldn't go with someone to look for a dog, she hates dogs . She's also got a gob the size of Russia so if anyone did try anything I'd hear her from the other side of the city anyway... No but seriously I try not to worry about this because I know the chances are so so very slim.

Only 10% of abused children are abused by strangers.

Over a 10 year period (98-08) there were over 600 child murders in the UK. 75% of those murders were commited by a person known to the child.

In 2011, only 26 children who had been abducted by a stranger had been hurt or abused compared to over 500,000 children being maltreated by a parent or guardian alone in the same year.

Lots of good tips here. Just started letting mine out to play. I wonder if I could garner some opinions on something that happened a couple of nights ago?
I was driving home and passed the green Ds and his friends play on, saw a man approaching the kids (I know them all), anyway he looked quite animated and I thought he was telling them off. Something made me pull in and watch, he was engaging them in conversation about football teams and gave one a friendly shoulder punch. I called over a boy I know and asked if they knew him, they didn't. So I went over to check everything was alright and the man got very defensive and stomped off shouting 'what's your problem, I suppose you're going to report me'. I was like wtf. Now I feel a bit silly and not sure if I did the right thing. Equally I'm more nervous than ever to let ds out. What, if anything would you have done in this situation?

Stranger danger is statistically highly unlikely to affect my child and we need to think in more nuanced ways. Coincidentally today I saw that a man was introducing some children's clips my DD (5yo) was watching on YouTube, so I asked her "If that nice man from the tablet told you to come with him to see more videos would you go?" Luckily she said no and knew why she shouldn't go.

I'd have watched Thank and intervened had I become uncomfortable. If i'd thought he was telling them off as you did I probably would have left them to it, unless my own ds was involved. If i'd seen something else that made me uncomfortable for a different reason I'd have intervened.

ThankFeck you probably did those kids an enormous service, and I wouldn't feel guilty about scaring that guy away. Most kind, sociable people don't have anything to get jumpy and defensive over, do they? Surely he would just introduce himself to you if he was just trying to be sociable? There have been times when I've engaged kids in my neighborhood, but if one of their parents approached me, my instinct would be to tell them my name (that is, provide my actual name, not just "so-and-so's mum") and indicate where I stay.

Yes agree with JJJ though that the scale of his defensiveness would certainly indicate to me that you did right to interject Thank.

Watching thread with interest. I have a DSD in late primary who we are hoping will walk herself from her child minder's to her swimming lessons (which is unfortunately scheduled earlier than any of her parents can get out of work). We think she is old enough. She's done a couple of short walks on her own around the village before and been fine. We've gotten her a phone so she can stay in contact with us and call the police in an emergency. We've gone over different routes, and my DH has walked them with her, to show her the way to the pool.

Now, DSD doesn't stay in a bad neighborhood, but we're all a little nervous about her walking alone, regardless. My MIL was abducted (climbed into a stranger's car) when she was around DSD's age, so she's petrified that the same thing will happen to DSD. In the mean time, we've tried to chat with DSD about how running away is allowed, screaming and biting and kicking are allowed, no adult will ever need her or ask her to help (because what child can capably help an adult?), and to run to the shop if she feels like she's being followed. This should be sensible advice, but now she's telling us she wants to quit swimming lessons. I have the feeling we've scared her completely out of walking herself to the pool. :( She doesn't have a friend attending the same swim lessons who could walk with her, which to me, would be the most ideal situation.

Thankfeck honestly I'd have had a word with local police. Seeking out children while alone, finding an excuse for physical contact with children you don't know, in a place frequented by children without their parents, getting defensive when approached, saying 'I suppose you're going to report me' is something I've known several sex offenders behave like. And a physical description plus location is usually enough for local police (who know their local offenders) to know if it's someone they're concerned about.

Thankfeck it'speople like you who allow children to play out - carry on as you are.

Kids here play out from 5/6 without parents. A mum or grandma will materialise in the playground / on the football field/ on the green if an adult without child is hanging about those places while kids are there and greet them cheerily and plonk themselves on the bench - we've lived here 9 years and I do it myself, even if my kids arent there. It rarely happens though and the times it has the adults have been eager to explain themselves (we have no public transport and the 3 times I have gone out its been people who've fallen out with their boyfriend/ girlfriend/ or have slept over at a mate's after a party and have no transport/ have had a few beers so can't drive and
are having to hang about out of the partner's house to wait for their mum or dad to pick them up :o )

On the bigger football field in the next village somebody connected to the local club will sometimes chat to the kids as they pass or kick the ball back but they are generally trainers or members of one of the adilt hobby teams, and there is no physical contact, its all about the football plus there are always adults about - trainers training other teams, parents, adult teams training etc.

The man you describe sounds odd at any rate, though who knows in what way...

It would be awful if paranoia stopped people making friendly comments in passing or stopped kids playing out and walking to school etc though - am totally and and at all the comments suggssting it is not normal for adults to speak to kids without going through their adult - that's insane and the opposite of the all looking out for all the kids "it takes a village" attitude needed in order to keep kids safe without keeping them in guilded cages! I live abroad and people talk to kids, kids go about unaccompanied by adults, everyone looks out for all the kids, not just their own.

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ThankFeck I'd have done exactly the same thing, he could have been harmless but better safe than sorry.

Thanks for all the responses everyone (sorry for hijacking thread). BaconYum your post conveys what I was thinking, it was his response that worried me the most. As others said why didn't he just introduce himself instead of getting defensive. He said he was asking about a local business that had closed but that's not what he was talking about when I was watching. I suggested he might be better asking an adult and that's when he went off on one. I called a couple of the boys mums afterwards as I knew the boys would mention it, they were grateful and took it as an opportunity to remind their kids about staying safe, as did I. I let ds out again yesterday for a bit, I'm not going to stop him going out but we did have a chat about what he should do if approached by strangers. I think I'll report just in case.

It is very difficult and a balancing act.I read something a bit sad the other day about sports coaches giving up volunteering because they are often automatically viewed with suspicion of grooming , particularly older men.I think it is a sad time that children cannot develop a normal relationship with adults they encounter.I am not sure what the answer is!

Marking place as so much wisdom here thanks all

Sadly I don't think very much you can tell your children not to talk to stranger but the reality is when teenagers can't even grasp this not sure we have much hope for smaller children

Tbh I pretty sure my 3 year old would go off with any one offering her either sweets or hotdogs she loves both also if Somone said they new me and mummy said to come with then very depressing

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6jMhMVEjEQg

m.youtube.com/watch?v=c4sHoDW8QU4

But tbh stranger danger is almost negated if you allow your children on line unsupervised and also if they do need help and are in danger you told them not to talk to anyone
There is also a few videos of smaller kids who walk off the Coby to look at puppies and this is after the parents have peeped there children about stranger danger the week before

And do we all remember that poor teenager who got killed by a stranger on line his mum was American

Tbh as the mother of a teen it didn't even occur to me to talk to my son about people he didn't know I guess online and mobiles have brought a hole new light to this

Also I herd a new one were the person runs up to your child and says quick you have to come with me your mums been hurt no time to explain now all panicked ect and the child runs off with ther person and in that moment when they think the worst they run off with a unknown person

We told to our DD about strangers at very young age, she is 5 now. I am a worried dramatic and grew up in a culture where were educated about strangers essentially through fear. We would be told horrid stories some true and others not about what happened with children that went with strangers. So I was not sure how to talk to dd about it but I found the book called The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers very useful. It uses bad apple and good apple comparison which I think helps things explain very well. It also has a small section about private parts and body at the end explaining what is not OK in terms of other people touching and so on. I highly recommend this to a parent concerned about their child not understanding the stranger danger it really explains things well. My dd never takes anything from strangers. We would go to indian restaurant for pick up and the guy there always tried to be friendly and gives chocolate to her or tries to and she never takes, I asked why and she said he was a stranger which is correct.

Tried to explain to two children about never approaching a strange dog, especially when their owner isn't present. They told me they didn't have to listen to me because of Stranger Danger and I may be trying to lure them in to my truck.

They explained this while sticking their hands in my dogs mouth, on my property... seriously, they had walked 5 meters down my driveway and were well away from the street, or witnesses. If I had wanted to kidnap them then all I had to do was grab them at that point, they'd done all the work for me.

Tried to explain that the dog was a stranger too, and that she had far bigger teeth than I did. They ignored me because I was a stranger.

So I don't know what kids are being taught around here, but it is not sufficient.

We try to emphasise the not going off with anyone rule, and never going through gates or round the corner or generally out of sight without asking first - so staying in same room of a pub or museum, nor going out of the playground. I'm working on what to do in 'emergencies' like losing me in public, and usually my guide is to find someone in uniform at a fixed place - so the customer service desk or checkout in a shop, ticket barrier on a train platform, or platform guard or museum attendant. And I will always come to him in that public place.

We've mentioned never going off with people and not keeping secrets (surprises are OK for a short time and you should be able to tell other people), and trying to draw sensible lines on bodily autonomy, so wash your own willy you lazy 7yo, it's only for you and doctors once you can wash yourself, and Grandma has learnt to stop tickling as soon as he says stop, if she wants to see her grandson, but then I've had to take him for a blood test where I and one nurse had to hold him down while a second took the blood - all I could do was explain first why it was necessary to do and reward after, and how it was only going to be done because Dad and I had agreed with the doctor.

Starting to work on chit-chat rules - don't give your surname or address or much info to people unless they need it, but most topics are fine. And no, you can't have the Chat bit of Minecraft enabled. Nor can you have my phone passwords...

When my 9yo DS asked the question "why would someone take a child" I wanted an answer which would scare him enough to make him wary. I explained organ harvesting to him. He's overly confident and pretty street smart so I wanted an extreme example to make him realise that bad things can happen.