To ask how you deal with stranger danger?

[Coffeecreamers]

I have always told my kids not to go off with strangers and thought he would be reasonably streetwise. However, a conversation with my 8 yr old DS tonight has really made me think. I have been reading about little Keith Bennett and I asked him if he would go off with a stranger and he said no. I then asked him what he would do if he was playing in the front garden and a car pulled up - the person in the car said he had a new toy for him. I asked DS what he would do and he said he would say thank you very much. I asked him if he would run to the car and he said of course he would. I asked him what he would do if he was estranged from us in the park and someone asked him if he would look for their lost puppy and he said of course he would help. I have told him that no, he does not do that. He asked why and I told him that there are not many but some people that like to hurt children. He was asking what had happened to the children that had been hurt and I couldn't bear to tell him. What do you say to your kids?

I had to deliver a presentation on Stranger Danger for my child protection module and to quote my lecturer (former child protection officer 30+ years experience): "Tear it to shreds" Which I did :) Happily!

Great advice on this threaf

Have a look at the 'Uh Oh' feeling for younger children too!

Ill have a look at that loublue as I'm aware I'm out of practice now.

I also meant to say earlier I've several friends who are police officers and they regularly share the memes about not making your child fear police or threatening them with the police if they're naughty.

Police are there to help.

Yes Bacon absolutely agree. Ds went through a stage of asking if we'd be put in prison for minor misdemeanours (undone seatbelts etc). We said he'd not get in trouble as he's too young and it's our job to look after him. We also said we wouldn't be put in prison because that's a place for really naughty people who hurt others, but that the police might tell us not to do it again because their job is to keep us all safe.

Tell your child DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS.l

totally disagree. 99.9999% of strangers are perfectly nice people. If a child is lost or needs help they need to have the confidence to approach a "stranger" and ask them to help.

I tell mine never to GO OFF with strangers which is a different thing.

Exactly my friends also get rather frustrated with adults that don't get the 'just trying to keep everyone safe'! They've all attended horrific rta's and most were avoidable.

Luna, exactly what I say. It's one thing saying 'good morning' to a passing lady in the street, quite another thing to go anywhere with her.

I certainly didn't train my children not to talk to strangers, and they were travelling alone on trains and planes from a fairly young age. If something had gone wrong, they would have needed to know which adults were likely to be kind and helpful. I taught them that ideally they'd find a mother with children, but that there were other people who would probably help them.

They knew not to go off with strangers who weren't police, but we did explain the exceptions, for example, they are on a train that crashes and someone helps them get off. Or there is a bomb scare in a shopping centre, etc.

Sweettuth Thu 05-May-16 00:18:54

"Tell you child DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS. It's not difficult. What situations will they be in that this is an issue before aged 12 or so?"

If they get lost (which can happen even when out with parents) and could end up in a dangerous place by not daring to ask the way. Much better to teach them who to ask and how to go about it as suggested by PP.

If their parent has had a serious accident or collapsed with sudden illness and they need to get help. Just because you are a mother, there is no guarantee you won't have a heart attack in the park without any adults noticing- are they supposed to just sit there and watch you die?

My DS has a password. If someone he doesn't know tries to get him to go with them, he knows to ask them what the password is. If they don't know it, he mustn't go with with them.

Thank you for this thread actually OP, it's been a while since I've gone through this with DS, so it's a timely reminder I need to chat about it with him again.

Good point Cory. I have asthma and prone to fainting occasionally if we get a (very rare in Scotland ) heatwave. So I've been through what to do if I pass out, also what to do if dd lost and also what to do in the event of fire or burglary (sadly necessary where I live). The fire one I must admit I did after watching a TV show and a little boy died in a fire as he'd hidden under a bed!

The password is a good idea but please don't just emphasise it with people you don't know! Do it with people children DO know too!

"If daddy and I can't pick you up today and we haven't already told you, don't go with anyone. Even if you know them without our safe password"

I couldn't agree more with those saying that "stranger danger" can be a very confusing and pointless concept to most children.

I had a conversation with one of my children when they were little and it was clear that they didn't have a clue who they should and shouldn't trust. They said that they would get into the car of a named acquaintance if they offered them a lift because they weren't a stranger ie they had met them before. We then had to have a long talk about not going off with anyone, even the people they know well.

As someone else said most abuse and abduction is done by someone known to the child and someone they "trust". We do our children a disservice by emphasising the stranger aspect of taking care of themselves.

"No, go, yell, tell" sounds good to me

Haven't read the full thread, but if you google "tricky people" that is a great way of explaining, as not all strangers are dangerous, and not all people your child knows are necessarily safe. That combined with underpants rule is a pretty good way to go.

I explain that you must stay with mummy/follow any safety rules set because somebody might like to take you home and they would feed you a crazy dinner (cat on toast) , put you in some horrible pyjamas and you would have to sleep in an itchy bed.
I try to make it relevant to them why it is dangerous but in a non scary way and in words they can understand.

I tell my DD (5yrs) that its ok to talk to strangers but she can't go anywhere with anyone (or by herself either) without first asking me.

We had an incident last August when a strange man grabbed her and tried to drag her off with him. This was before I had even spoken to her about strangers. But she followed her instincts and stood her ground and screamed at the top of her voice so I could hear her (I was fetching the washing from inside to hang outside) and come running over to grab her. Scary (for both of us!) but was proud of her for doing the right thing and told her that in future she is also allowed to hit, kick, bite, do whatever she can to get away (as he was holding her very tightly by the arm so she couldn't run away).

It is terrifying and not just young children it can happen to, someone tried to grab my sister in our home town broad daylight when she was 12. Touristy town and guy asked for directions then claimed he couldn't hear properly, as she got nearer he grabbed both her wrists and tried to pull her in through the window. Luckily a friend's mum spottted it and grabbed my sister round the waist. CCTV caught the plate and his face (idiot!) And he was arrested (known sex offender actually from next town).

DS and I regularly chat about strangers. We live in a small town and a lot of people know me, and now my DS and we talk about how I know their name, they know my name but they're still strangers - we're not friends and I don't know very much about them, just their name etc.

I also had the chat with him about "what if a man offered you sweets" etc, he said he's take the sweets and then give him a good kick and run off

I've banned chatting online on games as it's my job to keep him safe which hasn't gone down very well as his friends play Minecraft online - but tough.

Princess that "Tricky People" idea sounds good - but the first tip about reminding children that "safe grown-ups never ask children for help" is utterly ridiculous - children can't differentiate between the token help that anyone and everyone asks kids for (from the old "Mummy's little helper" "helping" with sorting the socks/ dusting/ putting their own plate in the dish washer to a nice shop assistant handing a proud 3 year old standing at their parent's side the plastic bag containing a small purchase and saying "why don't you help Mummy by carrying that" to a playgroup leader asking an older preschooler to be "the helper" today - which in practice means handing round the biscuits... and on and on. People constantly patronise build up small children's confidence harmlessly by asking them for help - which they usually don't need and are only asking for to make the child feel proud of themselves!

I agree though that "Say No To Strangers" (as we were taught in the 80s - does anyone else remember the song? ) is outdated and never was actually quite the right/ entire message.

Say No to strangers
Say No, No, No, No, No
Say No to strangers
Don't ever with them go
Young or old
Thin or fat
Tall or short
In a big flat hat...
Say no to strangers...

Well it stuck in my mind for 35 years, but I am not sure it was ever actually useful :o

DD did a brilliant self defence course before she started school (at nearly 6) that addressed exactly what to do if an adult tries to grab you or tries to get you to come within grabbing distance. It addressed where to kick if you have to and how to get out of different grips and was specifically for 5-9 year olds, aimed at what a small child can do to get away. We're in Germany and they emphasised to the children to use the formal "Sie" instead of familiar "Du" when yelling at an attacker to leave them alone, so that it would be instinctively obvious to passers by that they were not just having an argument with a parent! I'd have loved her to do a refresher and for her brothers to do it but it's stopped running :( I think schools should offer courses like that regularly - might also be good as an anti bullying and confidence building thing, and a general life skill.

This is a really interesting thread.

I was wondering at what age you start discussing these things - both about not going away with anyone and also about the no inappropriate touching. My ds is 2.4 and I don't think he's linguistically up to understanding these concepts at the moment, but they're obviously things that could happen to him at this age.

Also with the inappropriate touching safeguarding, how did you initially bring that up? I can see how the not going off with people one would come up regularly when out and about etc, but I'm not sure how I'd first introduce the topic of not letting anyone touch you (in certain areas).

Hoggle - as soon as ds became aware of gender difference we began dropping things into the conversation. It must have been around 3 I reckon. We bathed with him so when his hands wandered and he asked about gender differences, we'd tell him that privates are private. It's very important as they get older to try to explain that they will never, ever get in trouble with you if an adult touches them and likewise that any secret that makes them feel bad is not a good secret and should not be kept. Obviously this is because people who groom children will play on their love for their parents and tell them that bad things will happen if they tell. It's a gentle approach and you should take your cues from them - if they're old enough to ask you the question, they're old enough to hear the answer in age appropriate terms.

Sorry for a 3yo I'd say 'this is mine and that is yours and nobody should touch it or ask you to touch theirs' rather than 'privates are private'.

DD got herself out of a tight spot at age 8 by using her brain and by talking to a stranger.

We were on holiday in Italy. I stayed on the camp site with her little brothers, and DH took DD on a bike ride.

DH was riding on the road and DD on the pavement. All was well until the pavement went behind a hedge and the road continued in parallel - the hedge was about 15 meters long - DD continued along the pavement (broad daylight, plenty of people about) and DH along the road. Unknown to DH the pavement forked and DD took the fork instead of continuing straight and onto the road.

When DH reached the end of the hedge he waited for DD, thinking he'd out paced her. He waited a minute, thinking she must have been held up by prams or a group of pedestrians. She didn't come out after a minute or two so he got worried and started looking for her. Unfortunately he first went back the way they had come before riding back and seeing the fork, by which point DD had retraced her steps and they missed one another...

He then phoned me in a panic - we agreed he'd look for her for 30 minutes, then call the police.

DD kept her head, and spotted a lady who was paying no attention to DD at all and eating icecream with 2 toddlers calling her Mama, and all wearing the wrist band for out camp site, and decided to ask her the way home. The lady directed her.

DD turned up back at our caravan about 5 minutes before our deadline to call the police. Shaken but proud of herself.

Luckily we didn't have to initiate a massive police search!

Very proud of DD for carefully risk assessing and making a good decision to talk to a least likely to be dangerous stranger in a busy public place, and get herself back to me! She explained her logic for choosing the specific woman she spoke to and why she decided to do that when she couldn't find Daddy, and it seemed a very good risk assessment for an 8 year old!