Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said her kids would die

116 replies

Sandbrook · 02/05/2016 20:23

If she didn't give him a BJ last night.
Friends husband. She asked what I thought, she's unsure what to think herself. When she questioned him, he laughed and said he was joking.
She's mulling over it now and that's why she rang me.
I told her I thought he was a prize dick. He's a nice man, so this is out of character in my opinion and not something he would use as emotional blackmail though. She agrees but ended conversation not feeling any better about it

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 02/05/2016 21:15

People's definition of nice is very loose in my experience.

he is an arse. Bet he says other stupid and nasty things meaning to be funny too.

scallopsrgreat · 02/05/2016 21:15

When would it ever be funny to joke about your kids dying Confused?

echt · 02/05/2016 21:16

The last time I looked there was nothing funny about children dying.

echt · 02/05/2016 21:17

Oh, and even if you took away the child death reference, nagging for a blow job?
Feck away off.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 02/05/2016 21:18

I hate all the LTB that get posted on here for things that are really things that although cause damage in a marriage aren't unfixable. But this, sorry alarm bells ring.

He's a nice charming bloke you say, really would a nice charming bloke even find that amusing? Joking about the death of his own kids? How is that in anyway amusing? It would definitely make me coincided my partner in different way. Out of character or not.

I'm also not one to shout abuse, but is it maybe possiable that it isn't the first time comments like this have been made and the husbands laughed it off as a joke, and only the perseived threat to her children your friend has plucked up the courage to talk to someone!

I think at least what was meant to be a amusing comment will have caused your friend to look at him in a different way which will damage their marriage. In which case your friend will need the support. Or there's something more serious going on. Either way I think you will need to be a support.

Shallowstreams · 02/05/2016 21:18

There isn't anything funny about joking about your kids dying. It's a dick thing to do. It's not threatening, psychopathic or abusive though

YorkieDorkie · 02/05/2016 21:21

What the hell? If he'd said that to me I'd have cut it off AngryAngryAngry.

Misnomer · 02/05/2016 21:28

He didn't say her kids might die, he said they would die. How is that funny? How does anyone even begin to think that might be a funny thing to say? And while that doesn't necessarily mean he is an abusive psychopath, it doesn't mean he isn't either and would definitely give anyone very large pause for thought. It might be an aberration but it might also be the tip of the iceberg. I'd be very worried.

MaryPopped · 02/05/2016 21:28

It doesn't really matter what he said, what matters is the effect it had. If your friend felt she had to give him a blow job, when she didn't want to, then that's abuse and rape.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/05/2016 21:28

If a bloke a said that to me, I'd have fucking exploded with rage. My nephew died as a baby so I dont find kids dying something to joke about, especially over a fucking blow job.

Original poster
Sandbrook · 02/05/2016 21:32

When would it ever be funny to joke about your kids dying?
Never

So I sit and wait for her to tell me somethings not right? I honestly will be gobsmacked if she is. I know her, I know both of them.
Of course if she is, I will support her in whatever way she needs however I am loathe to give her advice to LTB if I really do not know what is going on in her marriage.
So my question, how do I broach this with her and what if I'm wrong?

OP posts:
StillYummy · 02/05/2016 21:33

This is the abuse version of one of those "text this message to 5 friends or..." What a sick and horrid man. I am glad this has made her think seriously about the relationship.

Original poster
Sandbrook · 02/05/2016 21:35

TaliZorah I'm so sorry to hear that.

Marypopped that's the kicker. She didn't have to and didn't want to, she said she left the room

OP posts:
LittleHouseOnTheShelf · 02/05/2016 21:37

What an arse he is.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/05/2016 21:39

Well, some people do have a pretty dark sense of humour but are still nice, non-dangerous individuals - and some people are precious whinyarses who get all butthurt over what are obvious jokes.

However, if your friend was upset enough to call you for advice on this, it suggests there is a problem in that marriage. Because if he was someone who regularly made tasteless jokes but was also a decent, supportive, loving husband, she wouldn't have thought it worth mentioning: she'd just have gone, ooh that's out of order, I'm going to go and clean the loo with your toothbrush now, or something.

But it sounds like what he said frightened her, which would suggest that he might be pressuring her for sex or coercing her into obedience over other matters. Or that his behaviour might be getting erratic and strange in ways that suggest an illness of some kind.

Thisismyfirsttime · 02/05/2016 21:45

I think there is a difference between saying 'I will kill the kids' and 'the kids will die' from some twat who has a seriously warped sense of humour. But that's not the point. It is abusive to coerce someone into sexual acts and personally I couldn't ever look him in the face again. You should support her 100% in case there's something she's not telling you and maybe meet up with her to mull it over if she wants to, it might not be a one off?

BertieBotts · 02/05/2016 21:49

It's a fucking stupid joke but it's really not a threat Confused I think some posters have got the wrong end of the stick!

That said I think SGB is on the money.

Booboostwo · 02/05/2016 21:51

If he did mean it as a joke, "Give me a blow job or you risk the kids dying you know", I get it. I say "I will throttle the kids" at least three times a day and DH doesn't think I am really threatening to kill them. It was a joke, maybe not s very funny one as jokes go, but nonetheless a joke.

Booboostwo · 02/05/2016 21:54

Just to add, I don't think he is threatening her into sexual acts, I think he is using humor to make himself more sexually appealing and more likely to get a blow job. As a general strategy, done well it could work as many people find humor sexually attractive, but clearly in this case his joke was not funny and distressed his wife. To have been distressed she must have taken the joke, at some level seriously, so it is possible this whole thing is indicative of deeper problems in their relationship.

GarlicShake · 02/05/2016 21:56

I'm trying to think of an acceptable end to the sentence "Give me a blowjob or ..."
Nope. Nothing.
"the kids will die" is certainly not it.

Shallowstreams · 02/05/2016 21:58

The OP clarified she didn't feel threatened and simply left the room. OP were they even in a sexual encounter at the time or was it just a joke made over a cup of tea or something?

I'm glad a couple of other posters have seen sense I was beginning to think I was in some kind of twilight zone!!

Helmetbymidnight · 02/05/2016 22:00

I bet that joke really got her going (not)

tibbawyrots · 02/05/2016 22:02

If I give a BJ it's because I want to not because I've been made to.

Childrens' lives do not depend on a knob sucking.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/05/2016 22:02

Gosh Boo, of course! He was just trying to seduce her...

Incidentally, does she suffer from anxiety or OCD, would it be a known way to get her to do something?

shazzarooney999 · 02/05/2016 22:03

Theres something seriously wrong with this guy, poor woman, she needs to leave him asap