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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be nervous about my sister's wedding?

31 replies

AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 20:59

I'm a bridesmaid, as are my two DDs (6 and 9), three more adults and one baby. It's a big catholic thing, he is Irish and they are apparently quite traditional.

The only weddings I have been to that I remember (so not when I was a tiny child) have been my own and one of my friends, and neither were traditional or formal.

I suffer from quite bad anxiety anyway, but ARGH. I have no idea what to expect. What are my bridesmaids duties? What will be expected of the DDs?

My boyfriend is coming along and the kids love him so he can help entertain them, although he isn't invited to the sit down meal he is coming to the church and the reception.

The DDs have never even sat through a church service! The nearest they have been is 5 years ago they came to grandads funeral but my ILs took them out of the church when they started getting fractious, which was pretty soon.

DD1 is quite mature and sensible, but DD2 is, ahem, spirited.

i just don't want to let my sister down. She's put so much time and effort (and presumably money) into this dream wedding.

ARGH.

OP posts:
Verticalvenetianblinds · 01/05/2016 21:02

Following as also a bridesmaid this year with no idea!

Glitteryfrog · 01/05/2016 21:04

Ask your sister.
What does she want to you to do? What is she expecting the service to look like/running order etc.

HeddaGarbled · 01/05/2016 21:13

Yes, agree with Glitteryfrog, talk it all through with your sister, including what she would like you to do if your youngest is disruptive during the service or speeches.

sizeofalentil · 01/05/2016 21:21

First off - don't panic! In modern weddings bridesmaids have very little actual duties short of offering moral support to the bride and showing up in a pretty dress (if you're lucky!). There will be another adult and you'll have your two DCs there so you will be fine.

The only problem might be that Catholic weddings can be quite long - so your DCs might get a bit fussy.

I'd advise you to ask how long the service will be and if you'll be sitting or standing the whole time. Ask if you can see the church before so you can plan an escape route if the DCs start to fuss.

When i got married the bridesmaids only job was to support me emotionally in case I panicked and tried to run off! And to walk down the aisle. Just check, but you shouldn't have to do much more than that.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 01/05/2016 21:24

In a traditional C of E wedding the bridesmaids are mostly ornamental. I assume that RC weddings are similar. The bridesmaids follow the bride down the aisle and the chief bridesmaid looks after the bride's flowers during the ceremony. At the end of the ceremony the bride and groom lead out of the church and the bridesmaids usually follow with the best man and ushers. There will be a rehearsal when all the choreography gets sorted out.

My experience of church weddings is that non church children are generally well behaved as it is a new environment. The ones who are shockers are the ones who are familiar with the place and lead the others astray! It is certainly worth sorting out who will be looking after your little ones during the service as your role is to look lovely and not be chasing after small people.

I hope you have a great time.

NeedACleverNN · 01/05/2016 21:25

All my bridesmaids had to do was walk down the aisle infront of me. My sister had the job of keeping the little ones in line as they were my niece at 2 and Dd at 4 months.

Ask the bride what she wants out of you. She may need you to help her get dressed or you may just be a prop (sorry if that sounds a bit wrong)

BillSykesDog · 01/05/2016 21:26

So you've never been to an Irish Catholic wedding? One thing about Irish Catholics: they are used to children. There's lots of them about, a spirited 6 year old at a wedding will not phase them. Have bf take her out for a breather if necessary.

Irish Catholic events may be formal, but it's unusual for them to be stuffy or reserved. I have been to Irish Catholic funerals which have been more fun than a lot of British weddings. Go, have fun.

Sallyingforth · 01/05/2016 21:27

There may be a rehearsal beforehand. If so you will see what's involved. Ask the bride.

Lilaclily · 01/05/2016 21:28

And your boyfriend will be able to take the kids out if need be
Don't panic ! He might get a meal invite by then too

CalleighDoodle · 01/05/2016 21:29

I imagine it will be around an hour long if she is having a nuptial mass. Bridesmaids duty is just to walk down the aisle unless youve been given something specific. I had my two young bms read the bidding prayers. But they obviously knew in advance. A non-bm friend read the old testament reading. Me and my husband did the offertory. But again all this was planned well in advance.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/05/2016 21:30

I would suggest to your sister that you would be less anxious if your partner was properly invited to help with childcare!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/05/2016 21:31

Edit... What is the reception if it isn't the sit down meal?

Lightbulbon · 01/05/2016 21:35

IT is v unreasonable to not invite the bridesmaids dp, even more so if she has DCs to look after during the event!!! A

Original poster
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 21:36

There is the wedding, then the sit down meal (which many family members aren't even invited to - for example I know there is a table for 30 booked at a local restaurant for just some of our side who couldn't be fit in the sit down meal)(we have a big family) then the reception where there is a band and a DJ and big scale jenga etc in the courtyard and I think bacon butties. It sounds amazing. But also scary.

There is a story behind my boyfriend not being invited to the sit down meal - he wasn't invited at all to start with. We've only been together 9 months anyway though.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 01/05/2016 21:39

Speaking as an Irish Catholic - BillSykes has it spot on esp. about the funerals.

You are required to hold a bouquet and walk down an aisle.

Mass/Service will take roughly 60 mins. A bit of pissing about from kids will be expected, outright acting the maggot would be frowned upon. Best/good behaviour encouraged.

Are you her Chief? In which case it's rather expected for you to organise the Hen Do and that can be a right PITA

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 21:44

They have a baby as a bridesmaid Shock?

Original poster
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 21:45

We've done the hen do, she's getting married at the end of this month. Hen do was arranged by me and the other two English adult bridesmaids (my other sister and a life long friend) grooms sister didn't even come, although we only found this out at the very last moment when I was about to pay for her hotel room (I paid and everyone paid me back thier share) The hen do had a salsa class, cocktail class, three course meal and night out on Canal Street.

The mother in law disapproves of the suits and has bought the father in law an entirely different suit. Which is a whole can of worms.

But then, one of my uncles HECKLED my wedding, so hopefully the more formal atmosphere will be good...

OP posts:
Original poster
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 21:47

The baby is just walking (she took her first steps this week) so hopefully she will walk sucessfully down the aisle as I think my sister has the idea that the children will walk in front of her looking all cute while the adults walk behind her.

OP posts:
MoggieMaeEverso · 01/05/2016 21:47

Take a small backpack of things for the Kurds to do during the service:

  • crayons and a new notebook
  • stickers
  • word search, connect the dots
  • tablet/phone and headphones. Make sure you download lots of games or have access to YouTube videos

And snacks!

TotalConfucius · 01/05/2016 21:48

And talking of maggots....
My sister and I were bridesmaids at a Very Important Wedding when we were small. We had white furry tunnel things on strings around our necks that hung down, we were supposed to put our hands inside whilst we all processed down the aisle. I think they were called muffs.
In the middle of the mass my sister pulled a tobacco tin full of maggots out of her muff and proceeded to play with them on the floor of the church. Oh, mother was not amused.
So please ensure your DC don't carry any contraband into the church.

MoggieMaeEverso · 01/05/2016 21:48

And by Kurds I mean your lovely children. Sigh.

Original poster
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 21:49

I should add, sister and soon to be brother in law are both teachers, as are many of their friends, so I'm hoping they will be understanding of children slightly pissing about. Or maybe not.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/05/2016 21:52

That sounds like my hen do! Salsa class, meal and dancing in manchester. Stayed near canal street...

Original poster
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 01/05/2016 21:53

Calleigh, you're not my sister are you?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/05/2016 21:54

Haha i wouldnt have thought so. My sister is heavily pregnant right now. And the last irish generation in my family is my gran. Everyone else was born and lives in england, Scotland or america.