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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my son's teacher being unreasonable, not sure.

61 replies

GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 05:45

Last night was parents evening, and ds's teacher said there was a recent incident in the playground where a couple of other boys were upsetting ds. Apparently ds put on a tiara and was acting very "girly" with his friends (also girls, don't know if relevant) in a funny way, not a taking the piss way. Ds generally likes a lot of stereotypical girly things anyway, it's just him. Anyway, these two boys started name-calling and upset ds and his friends according to the teacher.

I said that sounds like ds, and asked her what happened after. She said she told ds that if he's going to act like that, he has to accept that he'll be picked on.

It bothers me a bit but I don't know if she IBU or not. Surely she should be telling the other kids they can't pick on people? No matter what. I spoke to ds and told him a lot of boys grow up hearing "boys don't cry" or "you throw like a girl" and think that being girly is a bad thing, and he shouldn't expect everyone to have the same attitude as him towards it. But I keep thinking, ds didn't do anything wrong, the other kids did. Why is the teacher telling him he has to curb his behaviour and not the other boys?

OP posts:
Original poster
GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 05:47

Ds is 11 btw

OP posts:
Atenco · 29/04/2016 05:50

That was the only time I got annoyed with my dd's nursery, who were otherwise lovely. I came in one day and my dd had tried to take a doll from a little boy. The person who intervened gave my dd the doll explaining that boys don't play with dolls, I was so mad.

Sorry, no advice and unfortunately the teacher is probably right in her predictions, but wrong in her dealing with the matter.

KateInKorea · 29/04/2016 05:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idefix · 29/04/2016 06:13

Errr no! Your ds shouldn't have to accept being laughed at, teased, bullied because of his tastes and interest.

I would be speaking to the school about this again and clarifying this issue with him.

A few years ago I worked with an fs1 child who liked lots of stereotypically girl things and even at that young age if another child commented in an unkind way it was picked up on and dealt with. After a the first few weeks of term the comments and teasing stopped.

araiba · 29/04/2016 06:30

in an ideal world he can do that and not get picked on

but in a school setting with other 11 year olds, it gonna happen if we like it or not. yes, the others should get in trouble but behaving outside of the norm will always draw unwanted attention ti himself and i think this is what the teacher means

funniestWins · 29/04/2016 06:34

The teacher's being a wimp and/or lazy and avoiding dealing with the situation properly.

While I'm by no means excusing it "if he's going to act like that, he has to accept that he'll be picked on" is probably sadly true. Not accept it but it probably will happen. However, anyone in a position to stop it ie. his teacher, absolutely should.

If I were you I'd write an email cc'ing head of year or key stage or whoever her line manager is saying how now you've had time to think about it, you absolutely aren't happy with her attitude and he shouldn't need to accept it. Nothing overly aggressive but letting her know (and creating a paper trail) about your concerns.

CreepingDogFart · 29/04/2016 06:36

YANBU she is condoning bullying.

LostQueen · 29/04/2016 06:42

Thats a disgusting response from his teacher, no child should be accept being picked on for any circumstances but especially when they are just being themselves and having fun. She's basically saying it is ok for other children to damage his self esteem and tell him he's not good enough because he's not conforming to the norm. She's too lazy to educate the children picking on him so its easier/quicker to tel him to put up and shut up.

I would take it further with the school if it were me.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 06:53

She's wrong not to back him up, but is he in primary or secondary?
It's often a harsh experience for those children who are a bit different in whatever way, and his peers may be unpleasant to him if they see him as 'other'
Yes, he should be able to rely on the adults to support him, but he also needs to understand that choices have consequences and be strong enough to face them if they are negative.

Duckdeamon · 29/04/2016 06:57

Teacher is BU: gender stereotyping and condoning bullying.

Some posters seem to be taking the same line. Urgh.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 07:08

Some of us had children who were a bit different going through the system and are speaking from experience. Bullying is never excusable, but so many children have parents who support them in their nastiness, and secondary gives a lot more scope for bullying than primary.

SanityClause · 29/04/2016 07:12

DD's boyfriend has a head of (glorious!) curly ginger hair. He accepts that he will be picked on for this.

But if a teacher heard he was being picked on, I would expect them to punish the perpetrator, not suggest that he dye his hair, so as not to get picked on!

(He is 18, and well capable of coping, BTW.)

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2016 07:26

You are absolutely right to pick her up on this. Her approach is outrageous and could really damage his self esteem. This kind of gender policing needs to be challenged loudly and consistently by adults so kids learn that picking on each other isn't ok.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2016 07:46

Her lazy approach is also letting down all the other kids involved and missing out on a good teaching opportunity for them. They all need to hear positive messages about difference if they are to become kind, appropriately behaved adults. She's letting them down.

00100001 · 29/04/2016 07:56

it's called victim blaming.

The teacher is a twat.

bumbleymummy · 29/04/2016 08:03

YANBU. I would be annoyed too. Your DS shouldn't have to change - he other children need to change their bullying attitude!

ClopySow · 29/04/2016 08:14

Her attitude is totally acceptable in 1983.

Heirhelp · 29/04/2016 08:28

As a secondary teacher I say the teacher is BU. She should be supporting your son and challenging the behaviour of the other students.

Cabawill · 29/04/2016 08:30

I worry about this with my DS who is only 6 at the moment but already getting the "point and giggle" response from other boys his age when he even mentions things like dressing up like a princess or wearing a tiara.

We let him express himself however he likes and he has a lot of "girls" dressing up clothes. He's worn them out of the house regularly in the past but he's started only wanting to dress up at home now. He also had a load of "boys" dressing up clothes that he likes just as much.

The teachers attitude to this is poor. I would certainly follow up now you've had time to think about it. Hope he has the courage to carry on being himself no matter what the others say.

thenappyslayer · 29/04/2016 08:35

Can't stand lazy teachers. She's probably not even that ignorant. Just too lazy to sort it out properly.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/04/2016 08:55

I take exception to saying it was acceptable in 1983. That's when l began teaching and it was unacceptable even then to blame the victim. That's like saying if a boy has long hair or a pink t shirt he is asking to be bullied. Bad attitude from the teacher. Meanness is meanness.

RaeSkywalker · 29/04/2016 09:01

The teacher is victim blaming and is being VVVU.

mummytime · 29/04/2016 09:09

Agree, the teacher was unreasonable. If she heard it she should have stopped it.

Admittedly in RL and away from authority figures, that kind of behaviour "will" not "should" attract comments. But that is something to learn by experience/observation - not by authority figures not doing their job.

TendonQueen · 29/04/2016 09:11

No child should 'accept they're going to be picked on' for any reason! Mention that to the head because the teacher needs direction on how to handle stuff like this. Letting it go is not good enough.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 09:16

I'd be coming down on her like a ton of bricks.
It's unacceptable that she did nothing and blamed your son.
Sure, he'll have to learn how to deal with such comments, but the solution isn't stopping the behaviour nor simply putting up with them.
She should have shown by example and told the other children why what they were doing was wrong.
I'd come back to her initially and if necessary talk to the head teacher or governors.