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AIBU?

Is my son's teacher being unreasonable, not sure.

61 replies

GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 05:45

Last night was parents evening, and ds's teacher said there was a recent incident in the playground where a couple of other boys were upsetting ds. Apparently ds put on a tiara and was acting very "girly" with his friends (also girls, don't know if relevant) in a funny way, not a taking the piss way. Ds generally likes a lot of stereotypical girly things anyway, it's just him. Anyway, these two boys started name-calling and upset ds and his friends according to the teacher.

I said that sounds like ds, and asked her what happened after. She said she told ds that if he's going to act like that, he has to accept that he'll be picked on.

It bothers me a bit but I don't know if she IBU or not. Surely she should be telling the other kids they can't pick on people? No matter what. I spoke to ds and told him a lot of boys grow up hearing "boys don't cry" or "you throw like a girl" and think that being girly is a bad thing, and he shouldn't expect everyone to have the same attitude as him towards it. But I keep thinking, ds didn't do anything wrong, the other kids did. Why is the teacher telling him he has to curb his behaviour and not the other boys?

OP posts:

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Julibelle · 29/04/2016 18:06

Contact the school about this teacher, this is completely unacceptable. At no time should a teacher support victim blaming.

GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 17:20

I've spoken to ds again about this. His version of his teacher dealing with it was "she told me off for drawing attention to myself". I asked did she tell the girls off. He said no. I asked if she told the boys who were picking on him off. He said just the main one (ringleader) and he was made to apologise to ds.

Ds then said that a couple of the other boys are low level bullying him. Saying things like "oh no not you" if he speaks to them, talking about him within his earshot on purpose etc.

I'm going to make the school deal with this properly on Monday. Little shits. Advice welcome

OP posts:

Clandestino · 29/04/2016 13:45

I suppose the teacher is telling girls that if they wear miniskirts they should accept that they will be raped? What a moron. I would complain to the head.

GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 13:34

Thanks for the replies. Sorry, was at work. I think I'll speak to his teacher again to clarify things and to put the point across that ds isn't to blame for other kids picking on him, they are. She's usually lovely, so I think that's why I was so thrown with her comments. It seems she thought she was giving kind advice without really considering the message she was sending.

OP posts:

feathermucker · 29/04/2016 13:22

Hell NO, you're not being unreasonable! Terrible way for a teacher to act!

Pedestriana · 29/04/2016 10:59

Teacher is being ridiculous. It doesn't matter why other children picked on him. The fact is that they did. The behaviour of the others is what needs addressing, it is not up to your son to 'accept' that he'll get picked on/singled out for being different.
Society still has a long way to go if we think that this is acceptable in any way. It doesn't matter whether you're 2, 12, 22 or 102. You should be able to wear what the hell you like. The fact that you can't has more to say about society than it does about the person making the choices and it is that which we need to change. We don't need a production line of conformists.

loulou0987 · 29/04/2016 10:58

lweji well said! i remember being a one of the first years at school wear girls could wear trousers and that is in the 1990s! Children should be free to express themselves however they want he was making his friends laugh and enjoying himself. Floggingmolly I'm not saying children aren't mean to each other but surely its up to the grown ups to make sure children know that its wrong. the teachers attitude was wrong. And if you use the word "mincing" to describe an 11 yo then I'm pretty sure you're wrong too.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:54

It is the way it should be. I'm just amazed that it actually was.

JinRamen · 29/04/2016 10:53

There was a boy at our school who came fully uniformed... But it was his sisters skirt, tight, shirt... And not a word was said by anyone! That's the way it should be!

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:51

It's going to cause comment because some people keep excusing comments and keep maintaining gender biases.
Like you.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:50

A boy can wear a dress. But it's going to cause comment no matter how little anyone likes it.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:49

In fact, the OP said
" I spoke to ds and told him a lot of boys grow up hearing "boys don't cry" or "you throw like a girl" and think that being girly is a bad thing, and he shouldn't expect everyone to have the same attitude as him towards it. "

She is certainly not naive about it.

So, "in principle" her comment was "entirely wrong", as so was yours.

loulou0987 · 29/04/2016 10:47

Flogging molly that is the exact reaction that perpetuates these disgusting stereotypes. Why was he mincing in your version? Why shouldn't he wear an Elsa dress?? Who says a boy can't wear a dress?

MrsGideon · 29/04/2016 10:47

living in the real world shouldn't mean you stop being sensitive to other people's feelings or differences!

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:46

and the boys should have been spoken to (but it sounds like they were)

Actually, it doesn't sound at all.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:45

but op was naive to imagine the other 11 year old boys were unusual in their reaction.

The OP wasn't about how the boys reacted.
It was about how the teacher reacted to the boys actions.

Nobody said their reactions were unusual or unexpected. Just that their reactions shouldn't be acceptable, much less by a teacher.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:45

Why not? I live in the real world, not Mumsnetland (or Utopia).

MrsGideon · 29/04/2016 10:43

floggingmolly

maybe in future, don't use the words "you can't expect to mince about in a tiara and not attract a bit of attention"

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:37

I said the teacher was wrong to phrase it the way she did, and the boys should have been spoken to (but it sounds like they were); but op was naive to imagine the other 11 year old boys were unusual in their reaction.
They weren't correct, but usual. He'd have got the same reaction if he'd worn an Elsa dress to go with his tiara.

pudcat · 29/04/2016 10:29

What did you say Floggingmolly?

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:25

So, what are you saying?

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:23

I didn't say that at all, actually.

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chunkymum1 · 29/04/2016 10:02

YANBU. If I were you I'd have a chat with the teacher- she might have said it without really thinking on a busy night (still not acceptable and IMO shows an underlying view that children who are a bit 'different' are asking to be bullied which is clearly not on). I'd ask her what she intends to do about it (ie talk to your DS again and clarify that it's not OK that he was picked on, talk to the other children etc).

If she stands by this view I would get myself a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy (should be on the school web site) and an appointment to see the head.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2016 10:01

I had a ds two days ago. God this thread is depressing.

MattDillonsPants · 29/04/2016 09:59

Definitely worth complaining in writing OP!

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