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AIBU?

Is my son's teacher being unreasonable, not sure.

61 replies

GeezeLouiseBelcher · 29/04/2016 05:45

Last night was parents evening, and ds's teacher said there was a recent incident in the playground where a couple of other boys were upsetting ds. Apparently ds put on a tiara and was acting very "girly" with his friends (also girls, don't know if relevant) in a funny way, not a taking the piss way. Ds generally likes a lot of stereotypical girly things anyway, it's just him. Anyway, these two boys started name-calling and upset ds and his friends according to the teacher.

I said that sounds like ds, and asked her what happened after. She said she told ds that if he's going to act like that, he has to accept that he'll be picked on.

It bothers me a bit but I don't know if she IBU or not. Surely she should be telling the other kids they can't pick on people? No matter what. I spoke to ds and told him a lot of boys grow up hearing "boys don't cry" or "you throw like a girl" and think that being girly is a bad thing, and he shouldn't expect everyone to have the same attitude as him towards it. But I keep thinking, ds didn't do anything wrong, the other kids did. Why is the teacher telling him he has to curb his behaviour and not the other boys?

OP posts:

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Veterinari · 29/04/2016 09:16

The teacher is completely wrong. Unfortunately it's that kind of messaging that sets up homophobia, racism, transphobia and persecution of 'other' later down the line. Do we all have to conform to some unwritten gender-typical script to prevent bullying? Or should we instead be teaching that bullying behaviour is the problem and teach tolerance? The teacher needs to punish bullying and be supportive of individual children's preferences and choices

Osolea · 29/04/2016 09:18

The teacher shouldn't have told your ds that if he is going to act a certain way then it's inevitable that he will be picked on, but I woudont judge what she said as none of us were there to hear the full conversation she had with your son. It could easily have come across a lot better in reality than just that one sentence does on here.

Of course it's the people doing the teasing that should be expected to change their behaviour, but we don't know that they weren't told off for being unkind, and the likelyhood is that they were.

It sounds like your ds was trying to attract attention and was just being a. Bit silly in the way that children do, and the teacher is telling the truth that that might cause some unwanted comments. The fact that it shouldn't happen is irrelevant to the fact that it probably will, and at 11, your child needs to be learning strategies to deal with those sorts of comments because there won't always be teachers around to tell off other children who call names. Hopefully that was talked about with your child in the same conversation.

loulou0987 · 29/04/2016 09:22

that is totally unacceptable.
How old is the teacher as that sounds like a very old fashioned response to me.
A child should not expect to be picked on for anything. Yes children can be horrid but children should be taught how to deal with horrid people and that should not involve changing themselves to fit in with a 'norm' You should definitely take this to the head teacher to make sure other children aren't told the same. Would it be the other way round if a girl wanted to wear trousers or play football. That attitude went out with the arc.

YouTheCat · 29/04/2016 09:23

Time and time again it is the victims of bullying that are expected to modify their behaviour to appease the bullies.

It's getting worse as well. Bullies patted on the head and told not to do it again. No explanation of why it's unacceptable behaviour and certainly no consequences.

a1992 · 29/04/2016 09:24

I work in a preschool and that is in my opinion a disgusting comment! It is never ok to pick on someone and it especially is not ok to then blame it on the person who was being picked on. I would be approaching the teacher and saying something like " on further reflection on your comment about my son deserving to be picked on because of how he acted. I would like to know why you said that or even think that? As I see that as blaming the child who had done nothing wrong and you have not used it as a teaching moment.

louiseaaa · 29/04/2016 09:26

That happened to my son - not that he was being hugely different, just that he is very moral about behaviour and does defend others. It started with him being called sissy (he was in y8) and escalated to being called gayboy on the way to from school by a group of lads that he used to be friends with in y7. As he used to be friends with them I knew some of the parents.

Anyway I took a dim view and raised it with the school. Named and shamed the boys and said that they had been homophobically bullying my son.
Call it what it is, and I find the response is more robust.

The school isn't known for it's pastoral care BTW.

In another incident he was assalted in the playground and his bag stolen.

Again I contacted the school, this time using the word assalted and cc'd the head in.

Upshot was we were called in to a meeting where my son was given a discrete way of reporting any harrasment and I was assured that the bullying and harassment would be dealt with.

That teacher was failing in her duty of are to your son. End of.

My son at the time was hugely mortified that I had got involved, however I think it's important to say to our kids - hey I'll get this - I'm your parent and I've got your corner whilst showing the correct way to deal with incidents like this. He's much more confident in himself and he's admitted (1 1/2 years later) that he was releived that I got involved.

louiseaaa · 29/04/2016 09:27

sorry that should read care not are

bumblebee1234 · 29/04/2016 09:33

The school should have an anti bullying policy and if they don't sort out the bullying report them to Ofsted they would want to hear about this. Good luck.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pudcat · 29/04/2016 09:49

So Floggingmolly you are saying that anyone who is different can expect to be called names and be bullied. You are as bad as that teacher.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 09:57

So, it's ok to let 11 year old boys put down other boys.

What is a good age to start telling them to respect each other?
12?
20?
40?
Never?

MattDillonsPants · 29/04/2016 09:59

Definitely worth complaining in writing OP!

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2016 10:01

I had a ds two days ago. God this thread is depressing.

chunkymum1 · 29/04/2016 10:02

YANBU. If I were you I'd have a chat with the teacher- she might have said it without really thinking on a busy night (still not acceptable and IMO shows an underlying view that children who are a bit 'different' are asking to be bullied which is clearly not on). I'd ask her what she intends to do about it (ie talk to your DS again and clarify that it's not OK that he was picked on, talk to the other children etc).

If she stands by this view I would get myself a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy (should be on the school web site) and an appointment to see the head.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:23

I didn't say that at all, actually.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:25

So, what are you saying?

pudcat · 29/04/2016 10:29

What did you say Floggingmolly?

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:37

I said the teacher was wrong to phrase it the way she did, and the boys should have been spoken to (but it sounds like they were); but op was naive to imagine the other 11 year old boys were unusual in their reaction.
They weren't correct, but usual. He'd have got the same reaction if he'd worn an Elsa dress to go with his tiara.

MrsGideon · 29/04/2016 10:43

floggingmolly

maybe in future, don't use the words "you can't expect to mince about in a tiara and not attract a bit of attention"

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2016 10:45

Why not? I live in the real world, not Mumsnetland (or Utopia).

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:45

but op was naive to imagine the other 11 year old boys were unusual in their reaction.

The OP wasn't about how the boys reacted.
It was about how the teacher reacted to the boys actions.

Nobody said their reactions were unusual or unexpected. Just that their reactions shouldn't be acceptable, much less by a teacher.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:46

and the boys should have been spoken to (but it sounds like they were)

Actually, it doesn't sound at all.

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MrsGideon · 29/04/2016 10:47

living in the real world shouldn't mean you stop being sensitive to other people's feelings or differences!

loulou0987 · 29/04/2016 10:47

Flogging molly that is the exact reaction that perpetuates these disgusting stereotypes. Why was he mincing in your version? Why shouldn't he wear an Elsa dress?? Who says a boy can't wear a dress?

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:49

In fact, the OP said
" I spoke to ds and told him a lot of boys grow up hearing "boys don't cry" or "you throw like a girl" and think that being girly is a bad thing, and he shouldn't expect everyone to have the same attitude as him towards it. "

She is certainly not naive about it.

So, "in principle" her comment was "entirely wrong", as so was yours.

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