To consider moving my daughter from private all girls school to state?

[lottielou7]

She's currently in year 7. Academically, I cannot fault the school at all and she is doing great there, and in sport too. She's also very gifted at art and has the art exhibition. Her teacher feels that she has huge potential for a very successful career in this area.

My problem with the school is to do with the social side. Firstly, there is a child in dd's class who has autism and I have heard that some of the parents of other girls are unhappy about this and have encouraged their daughters to wind her up so that she has a melt down and is expelled. I think this is horrible bullying and I'm disgusted the parents are encouraging it. The parents are also trying to get a petition for her to be removed from the school.

Another thing I am sick of is the stealing. My daughter has had so many of her things stolen including uniform and stationary that she bought with her own money, PE kit, swimming kit etc. And she's not the only one - people are always having their stuff lifted by light fingered people who are never found out. I always raise it with the school and they do their best to address it but usually there is nothing they can do except speak sternly about it.

There are only 20 girls in the year and my daughter gets on with most of them but doesn't really feel that any of them are people she particularly likes and some of her friends seem controlling. They all live miles apart as well.

There is a very good state school nearby which I could move her to. But I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. As I say, academically her school is excellent and she has learned in a short space of time to work efficiently and revise for exams effectively. I am just not sure I want her to be in a school where many of the children have so little respect for anyone. Equally, though I would feel bad if I moved her and she didn't settle (she's been at all girl schools since she was 4). Or if her work went downhill as a result. Or if the Art department wasn't good enough, given that it's the thing she's most passionate about.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Thank you lottielou, it's a daily work in progress just now. DH has a meeting again with them in the morning to discuss the current situation. She is so lonely and I can't wait to get her out of there and into college.

imogenj you raise an important point by the fact that whilst low class numbers are good for teacher/pupil ratio it can disadvantage a child who doesn't gel with any other class mates socially by alienating the child which affects self-esteem, self-confidence and social life.

Education is important but mental health is more important.

I've noticed that in private schools there is a culture of parents thinking that because they pay they have a right to interfere with issues that should be for the school to deal with

State schools also have plenty of parents who think they can interfere in issues that should be for school to manage.

My job requires me to work closely with both state and independent schools. I have worked with some excellent state schools and some that were fucking terrifying. I've also worked with some excellent private schools and some that were equally fucking terrifying. The problems you describe and the way they are dealt with (or not as the case may be) is down the culture of the individual school and not the sector. Bullying and stealing happens in every school, always has, always will. It's how the school responds to these issues that actually matters.

If this school is not the right fit for your child then of course moving her is an option but I think it's important to look at schools in terms of your DD's individual needs, preferences and where she is more likely to fit in socially rather than state vs. private.

Bullying and stealing happens in every school. It's how the school responds to these issues that sets them apart.

Yes but stealing doesn't happen on a large scale if it's made clear that it is unacceptable. My dd didn't have anything stolen at her other girls school. Not once. At this school if you put something down, it's gone. I think it's appalling behaviour from girls who I thought would know better.

She herself isn't very happy because she doesn't really like any of the girls in her year. She gets on fine with everyone but she likes to keep the peace and usually keeps herself out of any conflict.

Get her out of there!

What I learnt from state school was compassion, independence and broad-mindedness. And it was fun - I reckon a mixed state school is an awful lot more fun than a not-very-inclusive all girls' school.

I don't want to knock private schools but I feel that sometimes private girls' schools can be a little bitchy and private schools generally can sometimes foster a sense of entitlement and narrow-mindedness.

And don't worry too much about facilities, etc. If your child is intelligent, she will do well anywhere. One really big thing I got out of state school was being a big fish in a small pond - that gave me huge confidence. And these days the top universities will try so hard to give places to state school pupils over private school pupils (I went to Oxford and I know the tutors at my college had this attitude).

One proviso - the state school needs to be pretty decent. Sadly there are some awful ones out there. The absolute key is to find one where there is a culture that doing well and trying hard is respected by fellow pupils.

I don't want to knock private schools but ...

If my child attended ANY school where I found out that parents and children were treating a child with autism like that, I would remove her immediately. That kind of environment can only be harmful to your DD no matter how good the Art department is.

Irrelevant whether private or state the school sounds awful. More of a reflection on all girls environment where bitchiness reigns amongst mums and students.

But all girls schools are not necessarily bitchy. My dds both attended a lovely girls school where people treated each other with respect and there was none of this sort of thing. Sadly it closed :(

Yes, find a better school with a much nicer ethos and kind parents. Have you had a visit to the state school and talked with the head?

No, not yet. This has come home to me within the last few weeks. I'm very disappointed because I thought this would be a great school for her. She was never sporty and yet last term she won an award for netball.

However, since dd has two siblings with SEN then the bullying issue is not something I can ignore (even if her siblings didn't have SEN) I want her to be able to make lifelong friends. She's able so she doesn't particularly need small classes. I'm going to have a look at all the local schools. She categorically does not want to board anywhere and I do not like the co-ed private schools in our area.

My Ds removed her DD from a private school because of bulling. The way school handled it was beyond the pale. No state school would have ever got away with that. It's as if they were beyond reproach.
Happily settled in a state school and although a very bright young thing, somewhat behind with some of the core subjects.
A good many private schools rest on their laurels, something state schools can't.

Get her out asap! All girls schools only produce mental issues.

Want a " like" button Ripeberry.

Ripeberry

I's like a "sweeping generalisation" button

With a waiting list of 7 you may never get in.

Dd has been 7th on a waiting list for 4 years and is still 7th.

Sweeping generalisation on girls' schools. No, they don't. They can be incredibly supportive, inclusive, nurturing environments.

This one, however, sounds awful. I am curious about where you are in relation to Monmouth, OP, as I have a sinking feeling I may know girls about to join this school.

I guess it all depends how much movement there is. I will have to look at other schools as well - I'm completely unfamiliar with the whole thing.

As I say, I'm sad about the way this turned out as I only heard good things about the school before she joined. When she was still in the prep department I remember seeing parents put notices up on the Facebook page saying their daughters had had things taken (one a birthday present). It's the sort of thing that should be brought up in assembly but it never is.

Stealth - I wouldn't want to give away which school it is.

I used to be when people made statements to me previously about all girls schools producing mental health issues. Used to think it was just another excuse to knock private education.

However in our current school we have had eating disorders, self-harming, depression and school refusal. I realise you can get that in any school but this is all in my daughter's year and there are no more than 25 in the year.

My biggest regret for my daughter is not moving her before she embarked upon her GCSE syllabus. We have completely re-arranged our plans for the next 14 months to make sure there is one of us with her every day until she completes her exams just to make sure she gets through them feeling ok in herself. It makes me furious that she's in this state and at the same time the guilt is terrible knowing that if we had pushed earlier for more information this would have all come to light earlier.

If your instinct is to move her then do it. There isn't a second run at it.

Understood, Lottie - neither would I, and it's really just nosiness on my part, since I am not sure what I would do with the information if I had it - the girls in question are classmates of my DS, so it's really none of my business at all. If it's the one I suspect then the nearest and best know co-ed school has a very good, but definitely sporty reputation - quite a few DC from my DCs prep school do go there, but I am not sure I would choose it for a non-sporty girl.

The state schools in our area are all full! And many of them have even longer waiting lists than 7.

The thing is - your place on a State school waiting list doesn't go on when you ask to be added, but you go to the place you should have given how well you fir the entry criteria. In simple terms this usually means that those who live closest can jump above those who live further away.
On the other hand you can appeal from any position, and if you are successful the school has to give you a place even if it is "full".
My DCs very popular and over subscribed school, does take new pupils on a fairly regular basis.

I would go on the waiting list and see how far up the list you are and if there is any movement.

I think that it is only luck that my daughter is a natural peace keeper and always keeps out of any conflicts. There is a girl in her class who self harms because of bullying. It seems that we are going to have problems with this but I will put her on the waiting list.

I have put her on the waiting list for the school I mentioned upthread and she is apparently number 2 at the moment. Tomorrow we're going to see another state school to see whether she likes it.

On the social front, things certainly aren't any better and if anything seem to be getting worse. She is now getting upset about Instagram related incidents and people who she thought were friends being mean.

I sent an email about the child with autism but the teacher seemed to avoid the issue of it. Perhaps her parents don't want her to be discussed? Either way she is still being bullied and there is not much being done about it.

I'm very disappointed because I really believed this school would be great for her but clearly it isn't working.

In terms of other private schools, there are two co-ed ones which I don't want to use because I have looked at them before and they are very starchy and I don't think they would suit my dd. The other private schools in our area are not very academic and therefore would be a waste of money IMO, not to mention the ongoing problem of small classes again...