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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving my daughter from private all girls school to state?

119 replies

lottielou7 · 27/04/2016 12:38

She's currently in year 7. Academically, I cannot fault the school at all and she is doing great there, and in sport too. She's also very gifted at art and has the art exhibition. Her teacher feels that she has huge potential for a very successful career in this area.

My problem with the school is to do with the social side. Firstly, there is a child in dd's class who has autism and I have heard that some of the parents of other girls are unhappy about this and have encouraged their daughters to wind her up so that she has a melt down and is expelled. I think this is horrible bullying and I'm disgusted the parents are encouraging it. The parents are also trying to get a petition for her to be removed from the school.

Another thing I am sick of is the stealing. My daughter has had so many of her things stolen including uniform and stationary that she bought with her own money, PE kit, swimming kit etc. And she's not the only one - people are always having their stuff lifted by light fingered people who are never found out. I always raise it with the school and they do their best to address it but usually there is nothing they can do except speak sternly about it.

There are only 20 girls in the year and my daughter gets on with most of them but doesn't really feel that any of them are people she particularly likes and some of her friends seem controlling. They all live miles apart as well.

There is a very good state school nearby which I could move her to. But I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. As I say, academically her school is excellent and she has learned in a short space of time to work efficiently and revise for exams effectively. I am just not sure I want her to be in a school where many of the children have so little respect for anyone. Equally, though I would feel bad if I moved her and she didn't settle (she's been at all girl schools since she was 4). Or if her work went downhill as a result. Or if the Art department wasn't good enough, given that it's the thing she's most passionate about.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Gruach · 27/04/2016 13:55

But it's not either or!

I'm sure there are zillions of state schools with excellent academic records - equally there are many, many independent schools that are a helluva lot more committed to decent standards of behaviour - from parents, staff and pupils. The OP's school is clearly just a rather poor example.

Gruach · 27/04/2016 13:56

(Was responding to whois!)

OnTheMove28 · 27/04/2016 14:20

You mention siblings with SEN? That would be a big issue for me. Obviously if they are DDs they are not going to be welcomed with open arms to your daughter's current school. That would worry me.

It depends a lot on where you live. Where I am there are plenty of children that go to private schools then switch back to state and vice versa. I don't think any of them has a hard time as a result (and they all play out/socialise together anyway!). FWIW the worst bullying stories I have heard have been from the private all girls boarding school.

MunchCrunch01 · 27/04/2016 14:21

i agree it's outrageous - have you been in and called out what's going on with the autistic child? That should happen whether you ultimately move your DD or not, I think that's a far more immediate course of action to take.

BertrandRussell · 27/04/2016 14:26

It sounds like a horrible school. You need to look elsewhere regardless of sector.

By the way "I'd be worried about your daughter getting bullied if moving from private to state" is rubbish and can safely be ignored.

MunchCrunch01 · 27/04/2016 14:33

i don't see why, certainly I have friends this happened to, whether it happens to op's dd or not. On what basis do you assert that Bertrand?

NanaNina · 27/04/2016 14:47

Can I ask what your daughter wants - would she mind moving to another school? I can't believe an independent school would tolerate this stealing. My DGD goes to an all girls ind school (I was against private ed) but it wasn't my call. Have to say she has thrived and will be going into the 6th form in Sept. She comes from an ordinary background (both parents teachers) but ALL the other girls in her year come from wealthy families. She has friends but they all live miles away (DGD is on the wrong side of the tracks!) and they all go off on holidays as soon as school breaks up, so in that sense she doesn't really get to go around with her friends in the holidays.

Interested you say OP that your girl is on "financial assistance" - I think there are bursaries but it says anyone earning £30,000 p.a. cannot apply.

I'm sure my DGD would have done well at the state comp but as I say it was not up to me. Is finance an issue?

Madbengalmum · 27/04/2016 14:54

Lottielou, hello again! All i am chipping in to say is that we were in this situation a few years ago. We took the plunge and took one out of the all girls school and left one in. The one we took out has absolutely flourished in the stare school enviroment and her grades have bizarrely improved. She has far more friends and loves school. Our other DD has stayed until sixth form and then left to go to the same school and adores the sixth form there too. So no complaints here, they both seem so much happier. If you have a decent state school offering then go for it.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2016 15:00

OP, it sounds as though you need to move her, but maybe a pause for thought as to where to would be in order?

I appreciate that without a reference from her existing school, financial assistance at another independent school might be hard to secure, but if there are options that you like (and not all, or even most, independent schools are like the horror you describe) it could be worth a try.

For any other option, state or independent, I would want to check on the quality of art teaching (and, to a lesser extent, facilities) but, more importantly, I would want to check that it does have a culture of wanting to learn and of valuing hard work, which seems be the only positive aspect that your DD has got from her current school. In a school where it's not cool to be clever or to work hard then yes, she might be picked on and they might use the "difference" of coming from a private school as an excuse.

Gruach · 27/04/2016 15:15

(stealthsquiggle What's the reason why they wouldn't get a reference /Head's report from the current school? Surely all head teachers have to accept people moving on - with good grace?)

I'd definitely pursue the two pronged approach OP. Enquire at some other independent schools (you'll know that those with boarding will probably offer the most generous bursaries). It seems a shame to give up something that ought to be an advantage - the ability to attract awards. And at the same time inspect the state school more thoroughly.

Original poster
lottielou7 · 27/04/2016 15:25

Actually, this is a boarding school but my daughter goes as a day student.

The head (who I like) is retiring this year.

I have decided to write an email to her form teacher concerning the girl who is being bullied.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 27/04/2016 15:31

Bullying is a problem at all kinds of schools, and it could well be the case that it is even worse at an other school.

Ask her if she is unhappy and wants to move. Perhaps she is happy to focus on the academic side of things; you mention she likes art and the teacher there is good.

If she wants to stay, you could cope with the stealing problem by only letting her take cheaper things to school. I don't think you have to worry about the other children being a bad influence on her; you mention she doesn't particularly like any of them, so she's unlikely to follow their example.

Laura812 · 27/04/2016 15:36

We have found less not more stealing/bullying in private schools actually. Perhaps keep her where she is but have a word with the head about the bullying.

Make sure all her stuff is named and the day it goes mssing get in touch with the school about it so they prioritise finding it. You never qutie know with chidlren - your daughter might be selling it off - getting to the bottom of the facts tends to be a good starting point. We also bought all the uniform in the school second hand shop in our private schools which meant less of a problem if someone lost something and in our case it was usually careless children of mine losing it, not some other children.

TigerLily666 · 27/04/2016 15:39

Ask your daughter what she wants to do.

A number of my friends went to private school - it is v common where I live now - and many speak about how unhappy they were there (bullying, having to confirm to certain image, smaller schools therefore a smaller pool of people to make friends with, constant pressure to achieve). What is really sad is that their parents thought that they were doing the best for them ...

And as an aside, my friends husband has just moved to teach in the state sector (from the independent sector) as he feels it is more about teaching/nurturing all kids in state schools

ScoutandAtticus · 27/04/2016 15:58

I would go and see the state school and go on your gut instinct. It will tell you which is best.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 27/04/2016 16:09

I would move my DD to another school in the blink of an eye if I mine was in this position.
FWIW my DD goes to a state school in a deprived area and there is zero bullying and zero stealing.
I'm sure your DD will do very well in her education at any decent school, private or not..

FarAwayHills · 27/04/2016 16:21

It doesn't sound like a very good environment, I would like to know what the HT has to say. Bearing in mind parents are paying huge fees to go to this school, you would imagine other parents would also be up in arms if the school are lacking when it comes to theft and bullying.

mummytime · 27/04/2016 16:46

I would move her especially if the Head is retiring, as this can often lead to wholesale ethos change.

BTW I happen to know the Head of a well known Public school has moved his DD to state school, because they weren't happy at their private one.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2016 16:48

Gruach (did you know you autocorrect to 'brunch', BTW Smile ?) "Surely all head teachers have to accept people moving on - with good grace?" - well wouldn't the world be a nice place if that were true? Independent schools are businesses. Ones which trade on their reputation. No head is likely to be keen on helping a child to whom they have given a bursary to move to another independent school where (a) all glory associated with her future achievements will go to the new school and (b) sooner or later the reasons for moving are likely to emerge, with associated damage to reputation.

Unfortunately the processes for awarding bursaries are not, and are not required to be, transparent at all - so a quiet word in the right ear could easily stop a child getting a bursary.

Narp · 27/04/2016 16:57

I think, aside from all the other major issue, having only 20 children in a year sounds horribly stifling

I know parents choose this in part because it sounds nurturing, but I think it's limiting. If there are bullying or even friendship issues there is no escape. Even if there aren't, there is little scope for developing yourself outside of the role assigned to you at age 11.

Gruach · 27/04/2016 17:02

Ah. Obviously your experience differs. IME Heads are often encouraging and absolutely delighted if a pupil of theirs moves on to, shall we say, a bigger and higher profile independent school.

But it is a delicate manoeuvre I acknowledge.

NotCitrus · 27/04/2016 17:04

Call me cynical, but a private mainly boarding school with only two forms (say 50 kids, 20 girls?) per year, with a head about to retire, is quite likely going to face closure within the next 5 years. I'd look to move her for that reason alone, before everyone else is also looking for local school places!

It sounds like a total waste of money.

Narp · 27/04/2016 17:07

NotCitrus

And this is an all-girls school, which means it's 20 children per year in total. Tiny.

Gruach · 27/04/2016 17:08

Sorry - meant to say - if the OP found a brilliant and generous school that children joined in yr 9 it would be perfectly natural to suggest to the current Head that her DD was outgrowing this place and might thrive somewhere bigger. No need for precipitate action or any suggestion of dissatisfaction.

stealthsquiggle · 27/04/2016 17:08

Hmm. I guess it depends on the circumstances, Gruach (and my comment was from general observation rather than personal experience, BTW - fortunately I have never been in a similar position myself).