To consider moving my daughter from private all girls school to state?

[lottielou7]

She's currently in year 7. Academically, I cannot fault the school at all and she is doing great there, and in sport too. She's also very gifted at art and has the art exhibition. Her teacher feels that she has huge potential for a very successful career in this area.

My problem with the school is to do with the social side. Firstly, there is a child in dd's class who has autism and I have heard that some of the parents of other girls are unhappy about this and have encouraged their daughters to wind her up so that she has a melt down and is expelled. I think this is horrible bullying and I'm disgusted the parents are encouraging it. The parents are also trying to get a petition for her to be removed from the school.

Another thing I am sick of is the stealing. My daughter has had so many of her things stolen including uniform and stationary that she bought with her own money, PE kit, swimming kit etc. And she's not the only one - people are always having their stuff lifted by light fingered people who are never found out. I always raise it with the school and they do their best to address it but usually there is nothing they can do except speak sternly about it.

There are only 20 girls in the year and my daughter gets on with most of them but doesn't really feel that any of them are people she particularly likes and some of her friends seem controlling. They all live miles apart as well.

There is a very good state school nearby which I could move her to. But I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. As I say, academically her school is excellent and she has learned in a short space of time to work efficiently and revise for exams effectively. I am just not sure I want her to be in a school where many of the children have so little respect for anyone. Equally, though I would feel bad if I moved her and she didn't settle (she's been at all girl schools since she was 4). Or if her work went downhill as a result. Or if the Art department wasn't good enough, given that it's the thing she's most passionate about.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Ah, yes - a school starting in Y9 would indeed provide a convenient face-saving get out for all concerned. That's different.

"my DD goes to a state school in a deprived area and there is zero bullying and zero stealing."

I would be incredibly wary of any school in any sector that said this.

20 children in a year group??? At secondary?? That alone should see you running for the hills. far too small and stifling both academically and socially. How do they run a good range of GCSE options with that number??

Is this school near Guildford, perchance?

No, it won't close. The school gets much bigger as the years progress. From year 9 upwards, there are three forms. In academic terms it is doing much better than all the other private schools around here.

Laura - don't suggest my daughter is selling her stuff please - I know for certain that she is not she is really upset about her things that have been stolen.

I don't think the other girls will be a bad influence on her at all but I do think that secondary school is a place where you should be able to make lifelong friends where most people are not morally bankrupt.

No, Carole - not Guildford.

People are definitely stealing - it's not her losing it. Clothes are taken out of zipped up PE bag, whole swimming kit lifted never to be returned again, her school bag opened and stuff taken out.

The smallest girls school near guildford has about 40 girls per year group, I believe.

I looked at the books before I enrolled my daughter because we have already been the victims of school closure. I think it would be unlikely to close - there are no signs I saw before that the school is lacking in resources. Although of course times are so uncertain. Apparently this is a particularly small year group. Usually there is an influx of borders as GCSE options approach.

Think issues school rather than sector specific. That said the worst bullying I have come across was in top notch private schools.

My father as a junior teacher moved from the top local private school to a rural comp and found the latter far better. The private one had a fagin type shop lifting ring going on of older boys forcing younger ones to shoplift for them.

I think I've made a big mistake. It's such a shame because as I say the facilities are amazing and my dd had done so well there. But I think there are many more things to consider. I'm going to struggle to find a state school place though - they are all oversubscribed.

Someone suggested to me that I consider another boarding school that she could actually board at. But I would be worried about the same issues.

I do agree that in a way the sector isn't relevant. But I've noticed that in private schools there is a culture of parents thinking that because they pay they have a right to interfere with issues that should be for the school to deal with. Or they're selfish and entitled.

I'd suggest you look into appealing for a place at State school. I would expect there will be a wider range of subjects, including things like Art textiles, Photography and Graphics, all of which could be argued as of value for your daughter.
To win an appeal you just have to show your DD will be more at disadvantage for not getting a place than the existing pupils will be for having one extra pupil added.

Wouldn't I theoretically have to accept a place in any state school where there was one available?

I'm looking at an alternative school for girls called Haberdasher Monmouth school for girls - from the research I've done it seems the cultural aspect may be different.

Otoh there are state schools here that I think would suit her.

Someone suggested to me that I consider another boarding school that she could actually board at. But I would be worried about the same issues...I do agree that in a way the sector isn't relevant. But I've noticed that in private schools there is a culture of parents thinking that because they pay they have a right to interfere with issues that should be for the school to deal with. Or they're selfish and entitled.

I think this is unfair. It sounds as if you've had a very bad experience with your DD's school and I'm not surprised it's affected your view. But there are plenty of good private schools where the culture is very different and where the parents are absolutely fine*.

If you'd consider boarding, I'd definitely think about switching at Y9- gives you a huge range of options and some excellent schools.

That said, FWIW I don't agree at all that a child moving from private to state would be bullied and I really wouldn't worry about that aspect if you found a place at a suitable state school. Adults get far more hung up over such distinctions than kids do.

(* I appreciate that some might think that sending kids to private school is inherently selfish, in that you're choosing to give them something others can't have, but I think that's probably a discussion for another thread, given that the OP chose private in the first place.)

Is there a reason that you are focused on single sex schools, OP? No judgement, just asking, because looking at co-ed would open up a out more schools whose main intake is in Y9, which would give a cleaner "fresh start" for your DD rather than having to break in to established friendship groups (Monmouth girls' main intake is definitely at Y7, for example)

I am in your situation right now. Except my DD is now in yr 10, the damage has been done and I cannot get her into anywhere else now because it's half way through her GCSE syllabus. At the beginning of this week we even discussed whether to home school her.

Private girls school, major bullying last year which has resulted in my daughter being referred for help for an eating disorder and regular meetings with the school to try and help her get through her exams without her mind totally leaving her. I wish we had done it differently, we thought a couple of years ago about moving her because of concerns then but the school reassured us it will be fine. Then the bullying kicked off last year but we didn't learn about for about 6 months before DD spilled the beans.

Academically, an excellent school, pastoral care isn't as good as we were led to believe and a combination of the school papering over the cracks, our DD not being able to communicate her concerns to us (didn't want to fall foul of the 'group' friendship rules) and DD performing well academically in other areas has meant we were not aware of what was going on sooner. The biggest problem has definitely been the friendship issues and how the school constantly manage girls into the friendship groups they feel they should be in socially/academically.

If we could do it again we would send her to a state school. As it is we are now making the best of a bad situation with DD knowing that if tomorrow she didn't want to go back we would not force her.

I also have an autistic daughter with SEN and I also know some parents in my elder daughter's school who are very, very picky about who their daughters socialise with. If I thought for a minute my daughter with SEN was being singled out by some fuckwit to be removed from her school I would be all over it and creating a fuss right up to board of Governors level. Absolutely appalling, disgusting behaviour and if the parents are teaching their children that type of message would you really want your child mixing with them? I know I wouldn't.

I have only skimmed the thread because I really ought to be working, but have you considered just putting your daughter's name on the waiting list for your preferred state school and leave her in the private one for the moment?

Yes I am going to put her on the waiting list. Yes the key issue is definitely that I don't want my daughter to be spending extended periods of time with other children whose parents have abhorrent views towards anyone who doesn't fit into their idea of what's ideal.

Dd has a friend who is controlling and tries to manipulate her by buying things and then always having to have her own way. My dd doesn't feel it's an equal friendship.

Buying her things that should say

Sorry to hear of your daughters problems Sparkle :( it sounds awful.

Is this about you or her?
What does your daughter want to do? It would be a big change for her if she has been in single sex, private education since she was four.
Stealing is just as bad in state schools, though I am surprised that with only twenty girls in her year the school cannot track down the culprits.
Bullying is also bad, although possibly not so subtle and intentional.

Theft and bullying? I would remove her because there are serious issues with the girls and the school.
Those girls will grow up with some very unpleasant personalities.

Could you shop around at a range of schools, state and private? If I could afford private I'd stick with it having just spent two hellish years in state schools as a teacher (after 13 relatively ok years elsewhere).

I moved my daughter from a private girls' school at the end of year 7 because, like yours, there were only 18 other girls in her year. This was socially very damaging and there wasn't enough choice of characters. My daughter was and is quirky and a bit left of field in her interests so was ostracised. Parents were way too involved and of course a private school never really tackles things in a bold enough way because they have 'customer service' to consider. It doesn't sound as if they really are tackling things. I'd move on.