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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline baby shower on principle.

36 replies

selly24 · 26/04/2016 00:47

Hate the idea of baby showers. Friend of mother to be sent out message asking for availability of guests so she can set a date.
Would be an easy, polite 'previous engagement' regret reply if date was set...trickier given the above...

Part of me wants to reply with a PA vent.
Just hate the materialism with any kind of shower - in addition have spent time with mother to be recently and gave couple of
£££ baby/mum to be gifts on that occasion....
Is there any way I can get out of this, assert my view and still be polite?...

OP posts:
NapQueen · 26/04/2016 00:48

I would just not reply Blush and hope that she gets enough other replies to set a date without you which you can then conveniently decline

NapQueen · 26/04/2016 00:50

Or

"Gosh, lucky her having such a nice friend to arrange this. I have a good few weddings and weekends away scheduled in over the next six months so dont factor me in when setting a date and if I can make it Ill he there x"

paxillin · 26/04/2016 01:05

I am really busy the next 2 months/ 5years/ week. Thanks for organising.

I am totally opposed to them on principle. It just so happens I am never free when they happen. Never fail to go and see mum and baby carrying gifts once born.

Alasalas2 · 26/04/2016 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2016 01:14

'Thanks for the invitation. The next few months are pretty busy with summer weddings, visitors, and so on, but do let me know once it's arranged and I'll let you know if I can make it.'

And you won't be able to.

I'd forget about asserting your view, just don't go.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 26/04/2016 01:32

I think a polite excuse is fine. And I get you not wanting to spend masses if money is tight. But I think it is rude to make it sound as if a baby shower is automatically a bad thing, isn't it? I would understand if you were not close enough to this woman to buy her gifts - and I do accept that any situation where you feel guilted into buying something is pretty unpleasant - but you're not in that position. Confused

So why not just go along with it? Surely if you give her gifts at any time, it's because you actually like and care about her - so why not now, even if the event isn't one you'd have chosen to hold?

EverySongbirdSays · 26/04/2016 01:42

I also think Baby Showers are bloody awful, attention seeking and money grabbing, American bullshit. It's another erosion of Britishness that I despair of along with calling a Leavers Disco or Leavers Ball a "Prom"

You can't very well ignore the text you'll be commented on and considered rude like the uni friend who ignored all emails about my friends hen do rather then just saying she couldn't make it and at least be polite.

Couldn't you be a bit um....ah....flaky.....got a few things in the air can't give a date so sorry please keep abreast and THEN be like well gosh darn it it HAS clashed with my MIL's cousins husbands stepchilds piano recital GOSH whats a girl to do, ALL THE BEST Grin

EverySongbirdSays · 26/04/2016 01:45

YWBU to launch into a diatribe about the vileness of the things pin the sperm on the egg etc

Honest.
Direct
Factually Accurate

But unreasonable sadly

She isn't asking for your opinion she's asking for your availability

Alasalas2 · 26/04/2016 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/04/2016 02:58

I used to be very against them, but have come around in recent years.

A friend is pregnant and one of her friends is organising a shower. Except it's 'no gifts' and it's in a restaurant, so really, what's not to like about that?!

It's really just a get-together before friend goes into the early baby wilderness weeks/months. I suppose it just comes down to how much of a friend your friend is, and whether the principle is more important. Fair enough, if it is.

katienana · 26/04/2016 03:04

Just say something like I think weekend xx is free but let me know the date and I'll confirm nearer the time. Pick a weekend when you know you're not free and then say oops I got mixed up can't make it after all.

puglife15 · 26/04/2016 05:19

I would sent something vague saying you're free most weekends you think, and will check your calendar when you get home...

Ywbvu to rant about it or even mention you are declining on principle to anyone, and I think it would also BU to decline if you are very close friends with the m2b. I have to say in principle I'm not a fan either but I have very fond memories of baby showers, both my own surprise one and those of good friends', and those memories have nothing to do with material things.

OzzieFem · 26/04/2016 06:09

OP has already visited the mun and given a couple of presents recently. Now she is being invited to a baby shower with the expectation of having to give more presents.

newmumwithquestions · 26/04/2016 06:38

Gosh, difficult one. I don't like the idea of them personally although I've only ever been to one, it was someone I'd have bought a present for anyway so I was happy to buy a present, and there were no games so I actually enjoyed it.

Also presents were put to the side initially so it would have been very easy not to bring one and just explain to the mum-to-be that as I'd already got one I wasn't able to buy another present. But I guess it depends on the type of 'shower'.

Can you be vague then see what type of shower it is? I'm pretty sure that the friend of mine that had one would have been fine with people not bringing presents (I don't think everyone did) as it was more of a pre-baby get together.

UnmentionedElephantDildo · 26/04/2016 06:41

"A friend is pregnant and one of her friends is organising a shower. Except it's 'no gifts' and it's in a restaurant, so really, what's not to like about that?! "

That she's calling it a shower when it clearly isn't one.

Shower = 'shower with gifts'

"It's really just a get-together before friend goes into the early baby wilderness weeks/months."

Exactly, not a shower, and so shouldn't be called one. It's totally fine to have whatever parties you want. It's not right to call something by the name of a specific, and different, type of event.

After all, if you billed something 'bridge party, but we won't be playing cards' people would think you're being ridiculous. So is a no-gifts shower. They're both just nice parties totally wrongly labelled.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/04/2016 06:46

I wouldn't go either, but no need to 'assert' anything.

Just use what Manhattan wrote above. Perfect.

Sootica · 26/04/2016 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 26/04/2016 07:24

The no gift shower is definitely becoming a thing though, I know a few mothers who've had them. The nicest bit about a shower, having a party and get together of the woman in your life, is the important bit. It might have been originally about "showering with gifts" but quickly became a pre-baby party, with gifts. Dropping the gifts but keeping the party makes sense, rather than being expected to host people when you have a newborn.

meditrina · 26/04/2016 08:01

It really hasn't become "no gifts"

There's lots of good reasons to have all sorts of parties. But a shower is a shower.

And trying to pretend otherwise just confuses the heck out of people.

Original poster
selly24 · 26/04/2016 10:12

Decided to go with the tone/format of this rather spiffing suggestion from NapQueen "Gosh, lucky her having such a nice friend to arrange this. I have a good few weddings and weekends away scheduled in over the next six months so dont factor me in when setting a date and if I can make it Ill he there x"

Thanks to all for your suggestions, opinions and advice!

OP posts:
waterrat · 26/04/2016 10:59

This is so mean. I had a baby shower organised by a friend and it had nothing to do with gifts. Just getting together before the birth

How horrible to not go out of some weird principle. Do you like the mother to be or not? If you like her surely you are happy to spend time with her.

usual · 26/04/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toadierocks · 26/04/2016 12:00

Why would you want to 'assert' your view and ruin someone else's day and her friends hard work at organizing? Just say you're busy!

They'll probably have a much better time without you there and your shitty views.

Fiona80 · 26/04/2016 12:05

I didn't like the principle of them before and I have never had one for myself, but I went tone recently and really enjoyed myself, it was a get together with old friends and I just took a small gift, what is a few pounds?

I understand u have already got her something and probably will again when u go to c the newborn but go, u might actually really enjoy yourself.

AddToBasket · 26/04/2016 12:05

Send the message. Don't be tempted to vent. There's no point and it will make you look mean.