Was I unreasonable to not give this woman back her child? Is DH now being a nob?

[NewToAllThis12345]

Hiya,

Just looking for some advice.

A year ago, I was at a train station, it was relatively busy.

A small child, who was around 4, was very close to the edge. I could not see his parents around at all. I had to go over to him, he definitely didn't seem too safe.

He said that he wasn't sure where his mum was - mum.

A man then approached us, thanking me and saying it was his child, saying his name. I asked the boy if that was his name; it was. I then asked if he knew the man, he then said "where is my mum?"

I was very confused and unsure what to do. I said to the man that I am going to have to say something to the station, as I want to make sure he is safe.

I went to a security guard. He told me to just hand the child over to 'the dad'. However, this boy never said to me that he was his dad, he just kept going on about his mum.

I said that I think it'll be best if I call the police, they said an officer would be there in half an hour.

The 'Dad' then snatched the child out of my hand and said that they were going to be late for the show. I tried to explain to the guard who said that he was obviously the dad as no one else had claimed to be his parents. I tried to run after them, but the he told me to just let them go and stop bugging them.

The police later arrived and said they would follow it up.

I do not know the outcome, I had to do a statement, but that was all.

Was I unreasonable? It's just, DH now makes jokes with our DC when we are out, saying I'm not allowed to hold their hand because he doesn't know if they're my kids, fucking annoying stuff like that.

Of COURSE you did the right thing. I hate to mention it but when little James Bulger was taken, SO many people saw him and were worried but NEVER SAID ANYTHING and they have to live with that.

Also the guard sounds an idiot and I would have complained about him.

Yanbu.

One of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims got away and then was given back to him by the police. If you're suspicious, check it out.

I think you acted very sensibly. Your DH is a twat for going on about it.

The so called dad is a twat for letting his kid so close to the platform.

The security guard is a twat for not giving a shit nor being the brightest.

Let it go OP. But I would have done the same. I wouldn't have left the child till the police came.m

How can you keep the child until the police get there though?

Ywnbu

Your husband is

Another one who agrees you did the right thing. As pp have said, had there been a problem the police and station had your contact details.

Could be a language barrier too.. My DC do not speak English at home and by 3.5 had excellent communication skills in our mother tongue (also nursery schooled in that language). However at that age their understanding and command of English was not great though crucially they could probably have said "where is mum" and answer to their name with a perfect accent in English (mostly thanks to Peppa Pig). They would not necessarily have understood someone asking them other questions

Another one who agrees you did the right thing. As pp have said, had there been a problem the police and station had your contact details.

Could be a language barrier too.. My DC do not speak English at home and by 3.5 had excellent communication skills in our mother tongue (also nursery schooled in that language). However at that age their understanding and command of English was not great though crucially they could probably have said "where is mum" and answer to their name with a perfect accent in English (mostly thanks to Peppa Pig). They would not necessarily have understood someone asking them other questions

OP you did great. If that was my son I hope to god you would have done the same thing and stuck to your guns until the police arrived or I did. My DH could have shown you family photos and phoned me to confirm his identity no prob. And he'd have been both understanding and grateful for your concern.

When my son was 5 years old, DH, DS and I were shopping in Aldi. I was by myself in next aisle from them. DH and DS were speaking together (obviously) and then DH sent him over to me. DS came over but stood about 5 metres away and didn't talk to me. To a passer-by, we had no apparent link and DS was alone. But I always keep my eye on him...

A man can over to DS and, using his first name (presumably overheard from when DS and DH were chatting) started saying how great it was to see him "again" and asking him if he was having fun "yet"

I moved over, picked DS up (literally) and smiled at the man, assuming he was a work colleague of DH who'd met DS before but not me. Still, it felt creepy so I went straight to DH to ask who the guy was.....DH sees him walking out of the shop and confirms never seen him before in his life

Who knows what the outcome of that would have been...but I do know there are adults that make inappropriate contact with kids in ordinary places on an opportunistic basis sometimes

I think you did the right thing OP, and I'd be grateful if it was my little boy.

I saw this video some time ago and it gave me absolute chills how brazen opportunists can be. It's a hidden camera, social experiment to see who would stop to help a lost child. About 3 minutes in, as the child is being helped by an older man, another man comes along and says he knows the child and knows where her mum is and tries to take her by the hand (she doesn't know him at all). The older guy refuses to let her go, and the younger man is very convincingly irritated and acting like he is way OTT.

I have to say in certain areas like shopping malls or streets I sometimes see young children walking or running around by themselves. I always where I can try to keep an eye on whether someone like a relative is with them (usually is).

I'd hate for that child to be Snatched and me not having doing a thing about it, I'd rather have a parent have a go at me or be upset or thankful than know a child could be in danger.

So no you certainly didn't do the wrong thing.

I think you did the right thing as well.

Under those circs. and the sake of an hour of everybody's time of course it was worth making sure that the boy wasn't being handed over to a stranger.

I would have been quite distraught at the gaurd's lack of support for waiting for the police to turn up.

How do you ''keep the boy there'' while waiting for the police? You all just stand together, one of you holding the boys hand and chatting to him. Staying in plain sight of the platform/cameras/people in case the boys 'real' parent spotted him and to protect yourselves from any accusations of any wrong doing.

As for your DH OP - tell him that he needs to shut up about it now. Make sure he knows you mean it.

And i would be perfectly OK about someone doing the same to me (refusing to hand over, contacting police ect) if one of mine went missing and then asked where daddy was when i tried to collect them. Of course it looks dodgy! I'd be mortified, but its the right thing to do.

I'd absolutely be fine waiting for the police if I lost DD and she was asking for a different relative. I have nothing to hide and would totally understand why you need to be cautious.

Thanks all

You did the right thing. It was too weird to be accepted as truth.

100% you did the right thing

I would have been very annoyed in the parents shoes. You meant well but I think it's OTT.

I get your point.

Just to let you know, you don't have to have given birth to a child for you to be a parent.

I have 3 very wonderful children, who I haven't given birth to.

Huh?

You got my point and then proceeded to explain to me the exact point I had just made because you thought I hadn't understood it.

Hmm - I think you really didn't get my point.

keepitdown that video is terrifying! Just as bad is the guy that pushes and swears at her. I am pretty shocked at the responders on here who say it's OTT or that they would be annoyed. If anything did happen to any of the children we all birth, or care for, or are related to, we would surely all be saying to anyone who saw them "but WHY didn't you speak to/stop/run after adult taking my child? Why didnt any body try?" The answer is that few people are brave enough to buck the 'herd instinct' of passing by those in need, and so well done you for doing your best for that child. More of us should keep ours eyes and ears open on a daily basis.

I don't think that anyone can criticise you for your uncertainty. In this instance I would not have asked a closed question " Do you know this man?" as was suggested but ask an open question " Who is this?" - I won't bore you with the reasons but you're much more likely to get an honest answer to questions posed in that way and mirrors the way the police would interview a child victim or witness

KeepItDown that video puts the absolute feat of God in me. Thank God that was not for real.

Although it sounds cliché, my hair dresser told me (eyeroll) that there where reports of a mum stood with her pram taking money out and someone just snatched the pram and ran. She did catch them but seriously.

I think you acted in the best interest of the child - more people should be as mindful.

Permanently When you say that you call them your Brownies even though you haven't given birth to them you were using "giving birth to" as a way of saying "being mum to".

The op is pointing out that the two are not equal.

I understand why you were concerned about handing the boy over, but I also understand why your DH is upset by it.

Lots of men get challenged when they're on their own with young children in public in a way women don't. My children have been questioned by well meaning adults several times when they've been out with their father. It hurts him every time that people would think badly about him when he's spending time with the daughters he loves. He looks after them as well as I do.

In the end it seems pretty much certain your judgement was wrong and the guard's was right. Whether yours was an appropriate precaution or one borne out of prejudice and discrimination is probably impossible to know for sure. But while I understand the horror that the idea of a child being abducted brings to mind, I think we can underestimate the effect of endless undermining of parents self esteem when they are constantly questioned over things by strangers. Better-safe-than-sorry is not a no cost approach.