Was I unreasonable to not give this woman back her child? Is DH now being a nob?

[NewToAllThis12345]

Hiya,

Just looking for some advice.

A year ago, I was at a train station, it was relatively busy.

A small child, who was around 4, was very close to the edge. I could not see his parents around at all. I had to go over to him, he definitely didn't seem too safe.

He said that he wasn't sure where his mum was - mum.

A man then approached us, thanking me and saying it was his child, saying his name. I asked the boy if that was his name; it was. I then asked if he knew the man, he then said "where is my mum?"

I was very confused and unsure what to do. I said to the man that I am going to have to say something to the station, as I want to make sure he is safe.

I went to a security guard. He told me to just hand the child over to 'the dad'. However, this boy never said to me that he was his dad, he just kept going on about his mum.

I said that I think it'll be best if I call the police, they said an officer would be there in half an hour.

The 'Dad' then snatched the child out of my hand and said that they were going to be late for the show. I tried to explain to the guard who said that he was obviously the dad as no one else had claimed to be his parents. I tried to run after them, but the he told me to just let them go and stop bugging them.

The police later arrived and said they would follow it up.

I do not know the outcome, I had to do a statement, but that was all.

Was I unreasonable? It's just, DH now makes jokes with our DC when we are out, saying I'm not allowed to hold their hand because he doesn't know if they're my kids, fucking annoying stuff like that.

I think you did the right thing. Possibly might have asked more relevant questions like 'Do you know him, who is he, where is your Mum, does he know your Mum'. But if he didn't appear to know him I think you were right.

I don't think knowing his name means anything, he could have heard it on the train, or heard the mother calling out for him if she was looking.

If that happened to me or DH we would both totally understand, be grateful you were concerned for his safety and it could be straightened out in moments by giving you a quick shufty at our phone photos, the pics in our wallets or even our Facebook profiles which would have made it abundantly clear he was ours because we had 4 years worth of pics from babyhood!

And yes, I would feel the same about a woman. Just of the top of my head Hindley and Rose West were used to lure in victims, and look at those two girls who kidnapped a boy from Primark a few weeks back.

Oo vestal it's not weird but thanks for the analysis.

The man doesn't have to be the dad to be with the child - a friend, uncle etc. that the child may not be 'overjoyed' to see when he is lost and wants his mum.

Yanbu - u acted on your instincts and I would've done the same. You're right that it sounded very dodgy. Where did the man say the boys mum was, was no explanation given?
I think the only reason you're still thinking about this is cos your dh is being a knob about it (mines the same, drags up things from the past to wind me up) say to him "it upsets me when u bring that situation up, I found it quite upsetting at the time and don't want to be reminded of it" if he still brings it up u would have to seriously question why he does that.

How did the boy react when his dad took hold of him & led him away?

Was he scared, trying to pull away?

I think that your husband needs to shut up about it but I'm not sure you were right.

I think you did the right thing and your DH is being a knob.

I regularly work with children and they turn up with adults whom I assume are parents but often turn out to be friends, neighbours, cousins etc.

My former next door neighbour knows my children's names. He's in prison for being a paedo. He seemed like a very nice, family man, so you can't be too careful.

You did the right thing. Protecting children is everyone's responsibility. Your dh is indeed being a knob. My dh has stood up to people a couple of times in public places where others would have just walked on by and I am incredibly proud of him for this.

The boy was very quiet, when he was grabbed, he didn't particularly do much, he just kept looking back. I don't know, I think you do get a feel and it didn't feel right. The man never particularly explained about the mum, just claiming things would be fine now he has found him and all that, but the boy really didn't seem happy to see someone he supposedly knew! If the man was an uncle/friend, why did he say the boy was his? It was all very odd.

Well at the end of the day, he doesn't owe you an explanation, does he?

What strikes me as awful though is the police couldn't be there for half an hour??

I wish a lot more people were a lot more like you. When James Bulger was being dragged through the streets by Venables and Thompson, a number of people thought things didn't seem right but did nothing about it. If they had intervened, James could be here now. Don't feel guilty.

Your DH is a childish prick.

But if the man just left with the boy, then Ops intervention didn't achieve anything, did it?

If someone was refusing to give me my child I'd probably grab them too, at the end of the day he knew the kids name.

You did the right thing to question it, I work in events where we have to have lost child procedures in place and we would've asked a lot more questions than the security guard did if a child was saying they were with their mum but a man tried to claim them - or vice versa, in fact we'd keep them separate until we'd established we knew they were actually together

Your DH is being weird to keep going on about it a year later - thats just odd!

The thing is, you all are saying how the man is in the right. The police still called me in for a statement and said they wouldn't be able to contact me with a follow up, so I don't even know if he knew him or not.

Also, I could tell you lots of childrens' names from the train station, you hear families call them all the time...

What strikes me as awful though is the police couldn't be there for half an hour?

Agreed. We had to call the police as we found a lost child in the park. A Community Support Officer was there within less than 5 minutes. We live in a cycling city and he came by bike and then basically collapsed on the floor as he'd cycled so fast. They told me on the phone over and over not to hand child over even if parent turned up.

So you did the right thing but were let down by the professionals.

However, if something had gone wrong here and the boy had been taken by someone he shouldn't be then you would have heard back from the police as they would have needed a description.

My suspicion is that the man was "dad" where "dad" equals non resident father who turns up every 3 months or so and pretends to be dad of the year. Not surprised that the lad wanted mum if mum does the caring for 361 days of the year.

If he wasn't the father he took a bloody big risk by claiming the boy, didn't he?

someone was refusing to give me my child I'd probably grab them too, at the end of the day he knew the kids name.

I know the name of a few kids that I was on public transport with today because their parents spoke to them, but I am a complete stranger. I know the name of quite a few kids that go to the school at the end of my road because I've seen it written on their book bags. I don't know them either. Knowing a child's name means precisely zilch. In fact, I remember in stranger danger classes at school being specifically told not to trust someone just because they know your name.

Why would you just grab them when their are far easier ways to prove that they're yours? Like pictures on phones, Facebook or photos in your wallet?

YANBU at all and I think you attempted to do the right thing. I assume because you heard no more then all was well and it was his Dad. But still, it could have had a different outcome. And your DH is definitely being a dick about it.

I'm surprised the man stayed long enough for you to call the police and the guard and have these conversations - if it were my child you were saying didn't belong to me I'd be off, not waiting around to talk to the police just because a stranger wanted me to!

Is your DH taking this piss because he thought you were being OTT?

But the boy was in his own so who would be calling his name for the man to overhear?

Thank you to the people who say I did the right thing. Honestly, I'd rather someone double check before handing a child over. He wasn't willing to prove anything. I asked him what the boy's last name was, he wouldn't tell me (I asked the boy his last name when we approached the guard, as I assumed the guard may need it) and I asked the boy what show they were seeing, he didn't even know he was seeing a show, the man claimed it was a surprise. Maybe possible, I know. Just I don't see why the man wasn't willing to cooperate, for someone who knew the child, he was very sheepish.

I had to give the police a description of both the boy and the 'dad', so the police wouldn't have needed me for that

I think you did the right thing. I would far rather be over cautious than feel I'd put someone at risk.

I think the station staff should be examining and readdressing their means of dealing with such a situation.

Oh, and your DH is being twatty about it.

Jux - the person who he came there with? If it wasn't his child...? He could have been lurking around there all day. It's just odd that he grabbed him when I told him the police would be there in 30 mins.

If he'd been with his mother just prior she might have said his name to him. Or if the man had just walked past a frantic woman shouting out 'Ronnie, Ronnie' searching for someone, seen a lost child and put two and two together that was Ronnie. Just because he was on his own right then doesn't mean he had been for a significant amount of time.