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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU telling DH he cannot take DS to spain without me?

107 replies

MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 19:13

MIL just came back from staying with a friend in Spain and is saying we can go out for a 3/4 days if we want. I said I could only go term time and DH says "well me and DS can go without you". My answer to this is "no". He is a great dad in many ways but I don't feel he puts DS's needs before his own often enough to make good judgement calls on holiday. For example he often books a table for a restaurant for half 6 rather than half 5 (simply as he would prefer to eat at 7 than 6), knowing that DS will be having a meltdown by the time we leave at 8. He also ignores DS when he is on his phone (which is at least 3-4 hours of the day even on holiday) and then shouts at him for getting up to mischief when it is his fault for not watching him. MIL will go too because we "won't be able to find our way around the first time" but she often thinks we are being over-protective just because we put suncream on him at regular intervals Hmm.
It's quite likely, if he can be bothered to wait, that we could afford a long weekend during may half-term where I could go too. AIBU to say I don't want him to take DS without me?

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 24/04/2016 20:34

I don't think DS would come to any harm but I am not convinced either of them will really enjoy it (DS upset because he is hot and tired and DH frustrated that he cannot just relax with a beer

Well no one will know until they give it ago. If neither enjoy it so what? It's only a couple of days and yet it gives your DH a chance to do things his way with his son. He may well surprise you. I'm guessing he has got used to you doing all the worrying, chasing organising so he doesn't have to. I also suspect, although I could be wrong, you have criticised any attempts of things he's done in the past. If so, why would you continue to try if someone 'knows best'

Czerny88 · 24/04/2016 20:44

I don't think you should be denied the opportunity to go to Spain if it's an either/or situation, but I do think it's rather infantalising and insulting to your husband to "forbid" him to take your son away for a few days. It could be a very positive experience for both of them.

BoboChic · 24/04/2016 20:47

If you don't trust your DH to take your DC away for a few days, you should be asking yourself some serious questions!

Original poster
MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 20:50

WhathaveIost- I actually never criticise his parenting, I try my best to leave him too it and have only ever criticised when he has told DS off for getting in trouble whilst he himself has been too preoccupied to notice until it gets to a point where he panics and shouts at DS.

OP posts:
twistyfennel · 24/04/2016 20:52

A lot of people replying here seem to be surprisingly confident that the dp here is within the range of normally attentive and isn't unusually distractible or forgetful. But we don't know the dp here so how can we be that sure of that?

Plenty of people exist who are parents but who are also unusually bad at paying attention to what's around them and remembering what they're supposed to be doing. Mostly nothing really bad happens because of that. You can be married to someone like that and have legitimate concerns, and it's not insulting your partner to recognize that. (After all there might be other things that they're better at than you are - no one's perfect.)

OP it's possible you're just worrying and being overprotective, and your dp will be fine. Or he might really be significantly more likely to let his eyes slip off his child in a busy place than average (while still being a perfectly nice bloke and brillliant in all sorts of other ways), and you might be right to be uneasy about this (esp given that this isn't your local supermarket but a foreign holiday resort).

I don't think any of us can tell you which really.

starry0ne · 24/04/2016 20:53

I am a LP with no involvement from my Ex..

The great thing about parenting is there is more than one way to parent. I think children do benefit from different ways..

I also don't know a child that doesn't come back off holiday exhausted..they don't just lie by the pool and relax..

I thought when I read this thread there were going to be much greater issues.. They will find a way to get through and may be a great bonding time for them.

TiredOfSleep · 24/04/2016 20:53

If he does swimming well, I think it would be a good idea to let them go. When you know your the one in charge you're more aware and sensible. When he know you'll run after ds I can see why he's not more on the ball.

NanaNina · 24/04/2016 20:54

I think OP that this is about your separation anxiety from your son which is understandable. You hint at it, mentioning you've only spent 2 nights away from him. I'm sure there's a good reason but I'm wondering why you can only holiday in term time.

I'm curious as to what DS would want - if you said "do you want to go with daddy and nanny (or whatever he calls her) on a big aeroplane and have a little holiday and mommy goes to work (presumably).............what do you think his reaction would be?

thecatfromjapan · 24/04/2016 20:55

twistyfennel you have described my dh.

That was a very wise post.

Liara · 24/04/2016 20:57

Well, dinner late won't be an issue as I can't imagine there is a single restaurant in Spain that does dinner at 7, let alone at 6.

But other than that I think it would probably be really good for the two of them. Yes, he will do things differently and yes it will probably not be exactly a wonderful routine, but the bonding opportunity will be fantastic.

I am a bit the opposite, I am the lax parent and dh the structured one. Although I totally recognise that his way works a lot better most of the year, the times I have gone away alone with the dc have been wonderful. Unproductive, uneducational, disordered, probably unhealthy, but great fun and fantastic at getting the dc and me to be really close.

Kewcumber · 24/04/2016 20:57

If it's going to spend a large part of your family holiday budget - tell him to sod off unless he can guarantee you a holiday this year.

Shakey15000 · 24/04/2016 20:58

I agree that on holiday, routine usually goes out the window regarding eating/sleep times. Heck, DS (8) stayed up with us till 3am last year Smile

But seriously, he should go.

timelytess · 24/04/2016 20:59

Trust your judgement. If you think your DH will not look after your child properly, don't let him take the child away.

thecatfromjapan · 24/04/2016 21:03

kewcumber's point is very good. It does seem a bit off to spend a large chunk of the family budget on a holiday you can't go on.

NickiFury · 24/04/2016 21:06

twistyfennel I think probably most who are saying YANBU probably have experience of people like that and that's why we agree with the OP. I know I do. Good post.

FatPaul · 24/04/2016 21:06

The OP hasn't got to 'let' DH do anything, he's the father so unless he poses a risk I'm pretty sure that he can take their child away for a few days Hmm

Original poster
MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 21:08

Fennel you are bang on. He is great at finances, housework and is very caring but just too easily distracted for me to be comfortable with taking him abroad.
Yes I have separation anxiety but DS is a bit of a miracle to us and I am working on it slowly. Don't get me wrong, he goes to nursery 5 days a week whilst we work and has the occasional stay overnight at grandparents but they are never more than an hour away.
I can only go away during hols as I teach NAna. Plus DS often gets excited when we go away (in england) but wants to go home at the end of everyday so asking his opinion is pointless.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 24/04/2016 21:11

I've just skimmed through again. Where did it say about it being a large part of the family budget going on this trip ( genuine question, nor being snipey) Anyway OP was consider using the Dh and son's trip as a bargaining chip to go to Amsterdam

Caramelslice · 24/04/2016 21:11

Going against the tide here, but I actually would try and avoid it... The idea of my kid not being well supervised by pool/in places they don't know etc feels like too much of a risk to me.
Ask yourself honestly if your son will be safe and have a good time. If the answer is yes, fine. But if not, no.

Whathaveilost · 24/04/2016 21:14

All in all its the equivalent of a long weekend with his dad. It's just a couple of days.
At the end of the day it's better to talk through your thoughts with DH rather than tell him he's not going and that is that!

Original poster
MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 21:15

WhathaveIlost - if they go now, we cannot go on holiday together later. It wouldn't be the whole holiday budget, but we do have a small budget and usually just go to butlins twice a year as that is what we can afford, (no more than £1000 a year in total for us all). Just looked at amsterdam and it would cost too much for me to go so that will not be happening.

OP posts:
Ricardian · 24/04/2016 21:17

For example he often books a table for a restaurant for half 6 rather than half 5 (simply as he would prefer to eat at 7 than 6)

Yeah, because booking a restaurant in Spain for 5.30 is going to happen, isn't it?

LittleNelle · 24/04/2016 21:17

So long as you trust your DH will keep DS safe, you have no reason to stop him taking his son away. Enjoy the break!

Original poster
MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 21:18

I haven't told him he can't go I just told him I don't like the idea of them going away without me. We haven't properly discussed it yet - I don't think DH has properly though it through himself yet as at xmas he said he thought DS was too young to holiday without his mum when a friend mentioned it- maybe it was an excuse so he didn't have to go.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 24/04/2016 21:19

Mothers and Fathers along with grandparents have different relationships with children exactly because they have different approaches. Unless he is a very unsafe negligent father it may be a great bonding experience.