AIBU telling DH he cannot take DS to spain without me?

[MrsH1989]

MIL just came back from staying with a friend in Spain and is saying we can go out for a 3/4 days if we want. I said I could only go term time and DH says "well me and DS can go without you". My answer to this is "no". He is a great dad in many ways but I don't feel he puts DS's needs before his own often enough to make good judgement calls on holiday. For example he often books a table for a restaurant for half 6 rather than half 5 (simply as he would prefer to eat at 7 than 6), knowing that DS will be having a meltdown by the time we leave at 8. He also ignores DS when he is on his phone (which is at least 3-4 hours of the day even on holiday) and then shouts at him for getting up to mischief when it is his fault for not watching him. MIL will go too because we "won't be able to find our way around the first time" but she often thinks we are being over-protective just because we put suncream on him at regular intervals .
It's quite likely, if he can be bothered to wait, that we could afford a long weekend during may half-term where I could go too. AIBU to say I don't want him to take DS without me?

OP YABU and very controlling. Just because your DH doesn't parent EXACTLY like you then he is not to be trusted with his OWN child? As long as he does not put his DS in danger then what is your problem? It seems from your post that you really don't see him as a great parent so I wonder why you are still with him if you think so little of him. Then again if you were to split then you would have absolutely NO say about the way he parented his child ...ever.

I think that it would be reasonable to request that he leaves his phone behind if you truly believe that he would continue this behaviour on holiday.

but then how could op ring him every 5 minutes to check hes not doing it all wrong?

YABU, it's not just your child.

I'd be wary if this place has a pool. or a balcony.

And I'd also make sure that on his return he continued to be looking after your DS while you have 'plans' made that mean you need to be elsewhere.

And that he takes charge of washing all the holiday clothes. And also packing before they go.

In fact, just say yes, it's fine and let him crack on.

If you can't trust the other parent of your child to be an actual parent to his child (whether this is because he poses a genuine threat to the child's safety or because you have control issues, or some point in between), you have WAY bigger problems then a trip to Spain.

Without knowing him it's difficult to say but on the surface it sounds as if you are being unreasonable. You say mil will go too so he won't have to cope on his own anyway and a bit of a change in routine won't stop your son enjoying himself.
Have you ever been so long away from your son and if not, could that perhaps be influencing your opinion?

I know he takes him to his mums for that purpose because he sees her twice a week and speaks to her 3-4 days a week so nothing to catch up on. She also says she does all the caring whilst he goes on his phone or computer. I do genuinely believe he isn't a bad father, just a bit lazy and often preoccupied.
The reason I would trust him to care for him at home is that there is less to distract him here. We went to Butlins last week for Science weekend and it was me chasing DS when he ran off to the amusements whilst DH sat there on his phone or continues whatever activity we were doing. Maybe it is just because I am there and he knows that I won't let anything happen but he doesn't react fast enough.
Here at home he takes him swimming once a week and they love that time together. No major incidents. I don't think DS would come to any harm but I am not convinced either of them will really enjoy it (DS upset because he is hot and tired and DH frustrated that he cannot just relax with a beer).
I do appreciate that I am hugely over protective when it comes to DS though so am warming to the idea of letting them go.

OP- I am with you on this one.

Why should DS1 have to wait for his dinner when he is hungry, be somewhere hot with insufficient suntan lotion on him, be alternately ignored and then shouted at because his DF can't be bothered?

I would not let my child go either.

The question is simply this "Can he be trusted to keep his ds safe?" All children are "put through" parents making mistakes like too little sleep or too late a dinner on occasion - that's how we learn.

I honestly think you seem like a 'mother knows best' sort.

It sounds as if he is used to you doing the running around after your son. I think if you want him to take more responsibility you should encourage him to spend more time looking after him without you.

Just read that last post back and "letting them go" sounds so controlling!
Amelia - i think it is definitely impacting on my decision as I don't think I have spent more than 2 nights away from DS ever and that was only for a mini honeymoon.
Coffee - he is very good at washing post holiday (and housework in general) to be fair to him but he does always expect me to pack his suitcase and sounds a little put out when I don't.

I don't see a problem with a dad taking his son abroad, I bet they'd have a lovely time.
I'd let them go

I wouldn't let him go either YANBU.

I wonder how many of those urging you to let him go have actually done this in real life. I used to worry about my husband for similar reasons, easily distracted, different perceptions of safety around water/roads, I did let him take the children away when reasonably young (4 and 6) but one of them did end up in hospital, although not seriously hurt. Of course I can't know if that would have happened anyway, but I did feel I might have been more alert to the way things unfolded, and he's not always great about things like perceiving the need for an early night.

Your lack of confidence is stemming from something real, which is that he offloads the care to MIL all the time and doesn't have a great history at home- I don't read it as controlling. I also think experimenting with getting him to step up to the plate abroad is a very bad idea- better trial it when they are both at home than when away although if MIL goes on the holiday, then essentially he's going to get her to do the caring anyway.

I don't think you are being as unreasonable as others are making out, if you are the primary carer then it's always more reassuring when your little ones are around you, and not with their rather distractable dad by the side of the pool in Spain, and you don't have to be a neurotic controlling mother to make this the case.

Nicki Wouldn't let him go? You wouldn't let your husband, and father of your child go away for four days? What's all this 'let them'? They are adults. I wouldn't dream of not letting my husband not do something.

Yep, I've 'let' DH take the boys away. When they were 4 and 1 they went to Ireland. The next year they went to Denmark. Usually though I took them away to skiing to Switzerland but that was only because I get more leave than DH.

DH parents different to me, but so what, we have a united front when we are together.

Can you imagine the reverse if a woman wanted to take their child on her holiday and her husband wouldn't let her go for whatever reason?

I wouldn't respect my husband if he wasn't capable of caring for my child, but it seems many women enable their husbands to be rubbish.

I find this really shocking. You DP is a fully grown adult who is also a father. Of course he can take care of your DS. My DH looks after our kids all the time. I think you are the one with the issue

And just out of interest OP what is going to be your excuse for not letting him go? I can't see that 'I don't trust you' is going to go down very well?

Yeah if my wife 'wouldn't let' me take our DD anywhere I'd be reminding her that I'm her father, not a random stranger.

Would it be useful to suggest a UK-based weekend first? That might either put him off Spain or reassure you. And you could go to Amsterdam that weekend, safe in the knowledge that they can get home quickly if necessary.

Yes My dh has taken our ds to France for 4 days when ds was 5 months old I didn't have a problem with it, I trust my dh to take care of our child. As fatpaul says his the child's father not a random stranger.