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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU telling DH he cannot take DS to spain without me?

107 replies

MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 19:13

MIL just came back from staying with a friend in Spain and is saying we can go out for a 3/4 days if we want. I said I could only go term time and DH says "well me and DS can go without you". My answer to this is "no". He is a great dad in many ways but I don't feel he puts DS's needs before his own often enough to make good judgement calls on holiday. For example he often books a table for a restaurant for half 6 rather than half 5 (simply as he would prefer to eat at 7 than 6), knowing that DS will be having a meltdown by the time we leave at 8. He also ignores DS when he is on his phone (which is at least 3-4 hours of the day even on holiday) and then shouts at him for getting up to mischief when it is his fault for not watching him. MIL will go too because we "won't be able to find our way around the first time" but she often thinks we are being over-protective just because we put suncream on him at regular intervals Hmm.
It's quite likely, if he can be bothered to wait, that we could afford a long weekend during may half-term where I could go too. AIBU to say I don't want him to take DS without me?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 24/04/2016 19:34

im trying really hard to imagine saying to my DH 'you are such a useless twat you cannot be trusted with your own child"

corythatwas · 24/04/2016 19:36

Is there any particular reason why your 3yo is never allowed to slip out of his routine? You don't think it might be good for him to experience this? Even if it does mean a tantrum (reluctant to call it meltdown because of the specific uses of this word).

MattDillonsPants · 24/04/2016 19:37

OP...you will need to illustrate more clearly what is the problem exactly. Only the most precious of parents will agree that late dinners are a reason to not "allow" him to take his son on holiday. You're not being specific.

Whathaveilost · 24/04/2016 19:37

Wow! You are being massively unreasonable.
I would have been fuming if DH never let me take the boys away when they were young
How would you feel if he forbade you to go away with your son without him because he didn't trust your parenting skills?

Penfold007 · 24/04/2016 19:38

MrsH you chose your DH to be the father of your child please have some faith in him. Your DC is having a couple of days away with his DF. If you trust him to parent whilst you go to Amsterdam ..............................................

corythatwas · 24/04/2016 19:38

I just really struggle with the idea that letting your child have his dinner an hour later on holiday equates with not putting his needs first. Any child with a sibling has to learn to fit around others, and it really does them no harm.

When my dc were younger we spent all our holidays with their grandparents, sharing with my siblings who all had children of their own with their own routine. Meals happened when my mother decided it suited her. They survived.

Original poster
MrsH1989 · 24/04/2016 19:40

He is allowed to slip out of routine and occasionally does. But 3 or 4 days of no routine and when he gets back I can guarantee he will hand over the over tired screaming child to me!
Seems I may be over protective though so may suggest he goes. I know he will come to know harm I am just not convinced he will enjoy it.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 24/04/2016 19:42

Well yes...that's life with children! Their lives must be led...their routines alter...it's part of them learning that life is unpredictable. Holidays, parties, school plays, exams...they all unsettle...the child learns from the experience as do the parents.

He will be trying when he comes back. If DH just hands him back to you then that's a relationship issue you need to get a handle on. You need to discuss this...and come to a place where it's all shared between you both. Take turns in dealing with the fallout.

You can't limit your son's experiences for fear of the changes.

DoJo · 24/04/2016 19:42

When my husband is away, I take my kids to my mums (or she comes up here). It's nice to have an extra pair of hands, she dotes on them, and we get a chance to catch up on all the news about people my husband doesn't know that we usually try to avoid boring him with. I hope he doesn't think I do it so I don't have to entertain them...

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/04/2016 19:42

Why do you assume he takes his son with him to his mums so he doesn't have to entertain him?

Either A. He's a jerk or B. You need to stick assuming and thinking so lowly of your poor husband!

corythatwas · 24/04/2016 19:42

even if he does get over tired that does not necessarily mean there is nothing about the holiday he will enjoy

there may be other things that are great fun for him

and you don't have to enjoy every single little bit of life

annandale · 24/04/2016 19:45

I'm still interested to learn from catfromjapan about intensive care...

Bottom line, I'm with the majority in saying let them go, but with the caveat that I'd want to know there wasn't any unfenced water/pool where they are going. ds fell in a pool when dh was supposed to be looking after him on holiday. Having said that, I must admit that dh pulled him out again and no harm was done.

EatShitDerek · 24/04/2016 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 24/04/2016 19:46

I think you are tight yo support them going together,p.

You have no reason to prevent it other than superficial and, tbh, slightly controlling ones.
I strongly suspect that my DC had way more fun with DH and his methods than with me and my routine.

Just make really sure that you want it to succeed and do all you can to be supportive. Sometimes a desire for your way to be the right way can make one a bit of a dog in a manger.

CraziestOfCatLadies · 24/04/2016 19:48

If you can trust him to look after your son when you go to Amsterdam then why not Spain, or is it because you want to go to the former and you don't want the two of them to go to the latter alone?

I really do get that often one parent is more protective than the other one, but you are jointly responsible for the child and perhaps some time alone together will do them both good.

TendonQueen · 24/04/2016 19:51

So don't let him hand over tired, screaming child to you when he comes back, if that's how it plays out. Give them both hugs and kisses and then go out and leave him to it. As folk said earlier, consequences. I am a big believer in routine and its benefits too, even on holiday, but I also think that neither preventing them going, nor always mopping up the mess afterwards, will help with this in the long run.

runningincircles12 · 24/04/2016 19:52

YABU. You need to relinquish control. Your husband can cope perfectly well on his own with his child. You probably just focus on the negatives of his parenting and ignore the fact that there may well be flaws with your own parenting. Has DS ever had a tantrum/meltdown when you have been looking after him? What would you say if your husband turned around and said you weren't to be trusted to look after your DS alone?

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 24/04/2016 19:54

Agree about encouraging him!
Lucky to have a dad that want so spend time with him.
I see many in school that have never even known their fathers Sad
I used to get irritated when my DC were small that DH did wildly unsuitable things with them ( taking them to supermarket to choose their own dinner/staying up late/playing with an airgun etc) but now so glad they had that non-mom stuff as well.

Papergirl1968 · 24/04/2016 19:54

I wouldn't be happy about letting him go, no, unless you can be reasonably confident his dad can step up to the plate. There are dangers abroad that there aren't at home - eg pools and balconies - and while no parent can watch a child constantly, it doesn't sound like Dh puts much effort in with his son. To ignore him for three to four hours a night while he messes about on the phone, even on holiday, and then shouting at him for getting up to mischief, is appalling. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

LogicalThinking · 24/04/2016 19:56

He needs to parent HIS way, not your way. His way is different to you, but that does not make it wrong.
You should encourage them to go. It will be a good opportunity for them to spend quality time together.

thecatfromjapan · 24/04/2016 19:56

annandale It was grim. Sad I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that each and every one of us messes up sometimes - and usually the consequences are negligible, however, sometimes you can just be very, very unlucky. I have my moments too, and (by and large) luck's been on my side. Oddly enough, on that particular occasion, it was a holiday and I was there.

Having said all of the above, I have let dh take the children on holiday alone, before and since. And it's been (by and large) OK.

I have only posted all this information because I do know what it is like to have a partner who is not necessarily negligent but can be a bit less than optimal on occasions. But then, I guess, we all can, from time to time.

MinesAPintOfTea · 24/04/2016 19:59

What do you do for weddings? Big family occasions? Flights at odd times? DS has a routine, but it is there to benefit us, not enslave us. And having to cope alone with changing the routine will be good for both of them.

Lalalili · 24/04/2016 20:03

The meal and routine thing wouldn't bother me. The distracted unparenting whilst on the phone would definitely bother me with a three year old. Especially on holiday, possibly around pools, so YANBU there. Three-four hours a day of poor or no supervision is definitely not good enough. I think that it would be reasonable to request that he leaves his phone behind if you truly believe that he would continue this behaviour on holiday.

DerelictMyBalls · 24/04/2016 20:05

I say let him go. He will manage and DS will be fine. He may well learn a few things.

CraziestOfCatLadies · 24/04/2016 20:05

From what the OP says though I doubt her DH has ever had to spend three to four hours solely parenting his child, so he probably does feel he can use his phone because somebody else is there keeping an eye on things. As an adult, you would expect him to be aware of the fact the child is his sole responsibly on holiday and to leave the phone alone.