Am I wrong to feel this way about it?

[Pixienott0005]

This is my first post regarding in law troubles so please go gentle as there have been lots on here where people get annoyed, from what I've gathered. Hear me out....

I usually have a good relationship with them both. When my son was born 2 years ago there were a few issues with them 'stepping on my toes'so to speak. We've managed to over come some of those issues gradually.

In June both of our families are going on a 10 day cruise (mine and dp family). My parents and my brother and dp parents and his brother and his wife.

We have a 2.5 hour coach journey down to Dover to depart for the cruise. My mother in law has a backpack for my son full of snacks and toys from her house that she said she is taking on the coach trip for him to keep him amused. She just announced earlier this week that she's got a few more bits to get for his bag. When I questioned what she meant she said oh I'm taking a bag for him, it's nearly packed ive got this and that she was explaining, and she has just got to get this toy she's seen and it'll be done. This has made me feel a little, well, annoyed if I am honest and a bit shocked. The fact she has got a bag for him and is taking her own toys and snacks for him to keep him amused is like, huh. Does she not think that me or dp will be doing that, of course we will.

It's really annoyed me to be honest. My parents would never do that or if they did theyd say to me, I know you'll be taking a bag for Samuel (changed name) but can I take a little something too. Or they'd ask is there anything you want me to take for you to make things easier. But if there was I wouldn't need either of them to pack a bag to keep my child amused on a coach journey.

My partner totally gets where I am coming from and knows how this looks. He says he needs to find the right time to tell her not to bother with it. The right time? Hardly like he's breaking some horrendous news is it. He thinks that his mother is not in any way deliberately trying to step on my toes but it seems kind of obvious that id be packing stuff for my boy. She's had 3 kids and should understand how it looks. She can't be that naive, surely?

To me it's not so much of a big deal if we could just say that she needn't bother. But now he's stalling and 'finding the right time'. The right time. Please!!

AIBU to be annoyed?

[Belleende]

I think much worse things happen at sea, but that might not be what you want to hear what with the cruise and all

[MyLocal]

To add, you will have a wingy, windy, bored, restless child a few hours down the road, and when you get back you will want a holiday for a rest.

[Pepperpot99]

Gosh, poor you going on a cruise. Tell me, did the in laws pay for you?

[agentmarmalade]

I can see both sides. Perhaps, op as this is your first baby and he is only little you may feel like you MIL is tryin to undermine you and you might be thinking "what, does she not think I am not bright enough to pack my own sons toys? Like I'm a useless mum?" But please try not to feel like that, I think she only wants to be nice and is looking forward to having some fun with the little fella.

In the future years when he is older and you may have more children you won't worry so much about this kind of thing, personally I'd thinkit was great if my mum or MIL did that for my kids. But maybe that's cos I have nearly 10 years experience of being a mum so I'm much more easygoing now.

Just take it with a pinch of salt and don't bother telling her not to bother with the toys, it would only hurt her feelings unnecessarily and in the long run its you that she would be upset with, not her son regardless of who breaks the news to her.

Just have a great holiday, and reap the benefits of having all the grandparents and uncles there with you! You may even get an evening alone with your husband to relax? Enjoy!

[memyselfandaye]

You think she's being rude? Dear god you are acting like a tantruming child.

Suck it up princess and realise how lucky your son is to have a Grandma who clearly loves him and is excited to be going away with him, my own son has one grandparent, I would do anything for him to have a full set.

If you have so much contempt for the woman why are you going on holiday with her?

[BitOutOfPractice]

She has mentioned it to you before. Two months before the holiday.

It is allowed for her to be excited about being on holiday with her GS too you know. Not everything is a criticism of you.

I think guy need to wind your neck in. And I bet you anything you'll be grateful if her help and support on the trip

[backinschool]

I don't think that you BU exactly but I think that it would make life easier for everyone if you try to see it as a positive thing that your MIL is so involved and excited. My DM was the one who went totally OTT with our DC - she does stockings for them every xmas (in addition to the one I do), she found tooth fairy certificates and sent letters when their teeth came out and found 'first day at school' photo frames when they started at school etc. If we were going on holiday together she would totally pack a bag for them with 'grandma treats'. It used to really bug me (the stocking thing drove me mad the first year as I felt it was my job) but I have a couple of friends whose parents take no interest in their kids and it is such a shame. One of DD1's friends was really jealous when my mum bought DD1 a swimming towel and sewed her swimming badge on because she said her GP never think of special things for her. My DC have a great relationship with their GPs and know they are loved and I try to hang on to that when my DM is explaining that she has bought DD2 some new school dresses because I only give her DD1s hand me downs and she doesn't want her to feel bad (sigh).

[Emptynestx2]

As MyLocal said - are you honestly looking for things to be upset about?! What a lovely thing to do for your son. She just wants to be his grandma and not steal him from you. I hope you never have cause to be really upset about something - grow up and stop being such a princess. Your DH is trying to find the right time to speak to his mum as he doesn't know what to say but doesn't want to upset you.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

I would love to get on well enough with my IL's to go on holiday let alone have them interested enough in doing something like this

[Tatiana11235]

OP, it is your insecurity more than anything imo.
Whenever my MIL takes my DD and me anywhere she always brings about 20 books, snack and a drink, even if the trip takes 30 mins. She cares and she loves both of us to bits. It never occured to me she's trying to belittle me or whatever

[SurroMummy13]

Honestly think you're stressing over nothing.

Every time I've gone away I've always forgotten one thing for my DD that I really could have done with. I'd have appreciated it if someone was with me to think of that stuff.

And it shows an interest! She wants to help entertain your child on the journey, some would be grateful for that.

Have a good trip :)

[expatbaby]

My Mum does things like that all the time. It is sweet but incredibly annoying. I know she doesn't mean it but it either comes across as though she doesn't think we are capable of providing for our son or that she is "claiming" all the treats to buy our son without considering that there are other people that might want to do the same that we had to ask her to stop. Not only was it annoying us, it caused problems with other family members who would ask to buy something and we had to say thank you but no because my mum had already bought it, normally without asking first or saying she wanted to do it so far in advance of the actual event that it was ridiculous e.g. baby hardly born, claiming stake to paying for his 1st birthday party including cake as well as a big present.

My advice it to politely say thanks but also act surprised that she's done it as you had already prepared something and during the holiday limit her buying other things because she has already done the travel treats. If it becomes a thing, I'd advise having a word sooner rather than later to nip it in the bud.

[TwentyCupsOfTea]

I can see how annoying this can be, just try to think of it as a nice thing, and as others have said let her look after your son die the journey and have a break!

[shazzarooney99]

What a lovely gesture, she sounds like a lovely lady.

[PotteringAlong]

She probably does assume that, at some point over the 10 days holiday, she will be sat with him. Of course she does. Who wouldn't?

It's a cruise. The whole thing is a journey.

[Janecc]

You are so lucky to have in laws or parents, who actually want to do or buy nice things for your ds. My DD only gets anything at all from my FIL because we buy it and he pays when we ask for the money. I usually do the same thing with my mother but last Xmas she was most insistent that she'd found something nice for DD. She came arrived with a plastic clock that helps to tell the time - DD was not amused. My mother massively oversteps. She has told me that my DD is horrible, that if something isn't done, she won't turn out well, she doesn't like how DD speaks to DH and if she does it to her she will smack her. DD did nothing wrong btw. It's all to do with stuff her golden boy son (my brother) said to my mother. But let's not get started on him.... Or his wife..... Let's just say my DD 7 is more mature than any of them so yes I'd swap in a heartbeat.

[sleeponeday]

Presumptuous because she thinks she's going to be sat with him. Undermining because she sees it her place. No mention of it to us before she didn't ask she just did and annouced. It's rude in my opinion.

OP... she's his grandma. She sees him a fraction of the time you do. Why on earth, unless he is upset and wants you, would you not assume that he'll sit with her, too?

I am usually really sympathetic when women have difficult MIL but I don't see any problem with any of what you have described. She loves and is excited by the prospect of time with your son. Why on earth is that rude and presumptuous?

[perrita]

YANBU and I can't believe so many people think you are; I would hate this.

[Pixienott0005]

You know it's funny; if I'd have done a reverse and pretended I was the in laws were and said DIL is upset or annoyed that I have packed my own bag of toys and food for my grandson to take on a coach journey, I believe the responses would be very very different. I know they would.

[Pixienott0005]

If I said my Dil is annoyed and pu

[Pixienott0005]

If I said my Dil is annoyed and put out by the fact I've bought and packed my own backpack full of my own toys and food for my grandson for a coach journey where Dil will be with him for the duration as its her holiday too I'd get told well what do you expect. She can pack her own bag. Are you always this interfering. The list would be endless to support the Dil.

Reverse posts are the future of Mumsnet

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

I can see why you are annoyed, it is presumptuous of her. However I think there is probably an element of pfb In this..if it was your third you would be biting her hand off to take a child for the journey!
Seems You feel as though she is suggesting you would not have thought to do this and as if she is trying to take over.. You will look back in a few years though when your in laws have tired of entertaining grand kids and realise how daft that was..

[ChicRock]

Youre going to be a difficult holiday companion if you're this annoyed, 2 months before the event, over something so trivial.

Do you think she thought "I know what'll really piss Pixie off, I'll get some snacks and a few toys together to amuse DGS on the coach trip, that'll get right up her nose".

Or do you think it's more likely she thought "I know what'll be a nice thing to do...".

[DrSausagedog]

Unless there's a horrendous backstory to this, I think YABU.

Toddlers on coach journeys aren't a match made in heaven really, and I'd be a bit apprehensive about having to keep him still on a coach for 2.5 hours. So how kind and forward thinking your MIL is to be thinking ahead and looking out for bits so far in advance to keep him happy and amused. One less thing for you to worry about surely! No need to read subliminal messages that aren't there, why on earth would this be an insinuation that you aren't capable of doing it yourself? It's just that she obviously relishes the idea of doing something nice for her DGS.

In case you're wondering, I have a wonderful relationship with my in laws. No, they aren't perfect but then I'm under no illusions that I am either! I'm sure some of my parenting choices are different from theirs, but if they say anything I disagree with about the DC I politely but firmly assert myself and they soon back down.

What I do know beyond doubt is that they adore their DGC and I'll do all I can to encourage a close bond between them, including popping by to see them even when DH is at work most weeks.

Some of my friends seem convinced that their MILs are out to get them, but even when they tell me their version of events I often privately think they are being a bit paranoid or unreasonable themselves. Then there are GPs who don't show the slightest bit of interest in seeing their DGC.

Try to give them the benefit of the doubt for the sake of their relationship with their DS and DGS rather than make a fuss where it's not really needed.

[sleeponeday]

If a MIL said she was excited about a holiday with her grandson, and has been picking out some little things she thought he might like, and snacks she thought he might enjoy, to bring along on the long-ish coach journey, but her DIL was angry and said that it was totally unfair because she was also packing a bag and was worried about how it would look... I promise you, the replies would be likely to be fairly similar.

If there's a history of her undermining you and implying you're incompetent, that's different. If the history is an excited Grandma who just wants to spoil and cosset her grandson - isn't that what you hope for, in a grandparent? My mum would do this. It's... nice.