Am I wrong to feel this way about it?

[Pixienott0005]

This is my first post regarding in law troubles so please go gentle as there have been lots on here where people get annoyed, from what I've gathered. Hear me out....

I usually have a good relationship with them both. When my son was born 2 years ago there were a few issues with them 'stepping on my toes'so to speak. We've managed to over come some of those issues gradually.

In June both of our families are going on a 10 day cruise (mine and dp family). My parents and my brother and dp parents and his brother and his wife.

We have a 2.5 hour coach journey down to Dover to depart for the cruise. My mother in law has a backpack for my son full of snacks and toys from her house that she said she is taking on the coach trip for him to keep him amused. She just announced earlier this week that she's got a few more bits to get for his bag. When I questioned what she meant she said oh I'm taking a bag for him, it's nearly packed ive got this and that she was explaining, and she has just got to get this toy she's seen and it'll be done. This has made me feel a little, well, annoyed if I am honest and a bit shocked. The fact she has got a bag for him and is taking her own toys and snacks for him to keep him amused is like, huh. Does she not think that me or dp will be doing that, of course we will.

It's really annoyed me to be honest. My parents would never do that or if they did theyd say to me, I know you'll be taking a bag for Samuel (changed name) but can I take a little something too. Or they'd ask is there anything you want me to take for you to make things easier. But if there was I wouldn't need either of them to pack a bag to keep my child amused on a coach journey.

My partner totally gets where I am coming from and knows how this looks. He says he needs to find the right time to tell her not to bother with it. The right time? Hardly like he's breaking some horrendous news is it. He thinks that his mother is not in any way deliberately trying to step on my toes but it seems kind of obvious that id be packing stuff for my boy. She's had 3 kids and should understand how it looks. She can't be that naive, surely?

To me it's not so much of a big deal if we could just say that she needn't bother. But now he's stalling and 'finding the right time'. The right time. Please!!

AIBU to be annoyed?

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I have three children. I also get on great with my in laws. I couldn't get worked up about this and I'd actually be pretty grateful and appreciate having one less thing to organise for the holiday. She is clearly trying to help out and I think it's very considerate and caring. yabu sorry.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Naybe she changed a nappy without asking permish first.

[curren]

I would love to know what other things the mil did that stepped on the OPs toes.

Perhaps bought a gift when the baby was born?

Offered to buy some baby things?

Asked to hold the baby?

[IsmellSwell]

Gosh, poor you going on a cruise. Tell me, did the in laws pay for you?

I bet the inlaws are paying for it (or at least digging deep into their pockets paying for excursions etc)
but God forbid the MIL has anything to do with her grandchild

OP, you need to take a good hard look at yourself.

[araiba]

your response should be "thank you"

[TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee]

If I said my Dil is annoyed and put out by the fact I've bought and packed my own backpack full of my own toys and food for my grandson for a coach journey where Dil will be with him for the duration as its her holiday too I'd get told well what do you expect. She can pack her own bag. Are you always this interfering. The list would be endless to support the Dil

Not from me. I would have called the DIL a moany arsed ingrate who should bite your arm off for the help.
Someone else to entertain and feed a toddler on a long trip? Yes please. And they spent their own money on toys and snacks? Even better!

I think you're mad. Let her at it. Read a book instead. Some people are never happy.

[wigglesrock]

Honestly its a pretty normal thing to do in ours. My parents and my pils usually get a few things together for my kids before we go on holiday and they don't even go with us Not so much backpacks now because mine are a little older but they'd have a bag with some books, stickers, cheap sunglasses, skipping ropes, silly wee things that the kids love. My mum will probably buy a couple of tshirts for mine before we go away this year - it wouldn't even occur to me to take it as a personal slight or an passive aggressive sign that she didn't think I had enough tshirts for them. They'll also probably backhand some Euro to the kids for their "holiday money" again I can't actually imagine how this would be a reflection on my parenting.

I do it for my best friends kids a few Euro and a comic for the journey.

[Janecc]

Lots of us do understand that these sorts of things may annoy you op. Yet lots, like myself would actually welcome these annoying things in place of the crap we receive. As I said in my post, in my family what equates to presumptuous and pushy, is a bunch of grown adults bullying a 7 yr old.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

OP: AIBU?

MN:YES!!

OP: No I'm not you're all stupid

[crazywriter]

What's wrong with her taking things? Both my ps and pils would do something similar and we would bat an eyelid. Wed just be thankful they want to keep the dcs quiet and entertained the whole time like us.

[Indiaplain]

Oh my.. I'd love it if someone were thoughtful enough to bring toys or snacks for my dc! And so would my DC, they love the excitement of plastic tat. Can't understand the problem tbh. Imagine if it was your mum stopping your grandparents from giving you extra toys/goodies.
Not a big deal at all. Yabu.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

I feel sorry for your Mil, I really do.

I can't quite believe you and your DP think a GP doing something nice is an issue. So what if you didn't ask her to. She's not a machine there to 'get it right' for you.

Would you be as unpleasant about it if a friend was doing it?

You're being ridiculous.

[sleeponeday]

Interesting to see how the other 3 grandparents react to this

I really don't get this territorial stuff about a treat/distraction bag on a long trip with a toddler. If any of the other GP got miffed, I'd think they needed to locate a grip. And if more than one turned up with a bag I would be entertained, not annoyed. They could battle it out between them for DS's attention while I read a book!

If MIL had packed a bag of holiday clothes and asked for his passport so she could look after it, then I'd agree there was a serous problem. Treats and distractions? Not so much.

[starburns]

I can see where you're coming from, OP. My MIL has a similar habit of stepping on my toes, and she once brought over some vests for DS when she visited us - not special ones that she thought he'd particularly like or anything, just plain white ones - because, she said, she wanted to "make sure he had enough". Annoyed me for the same reason as you're annoyed now, I think. I totally get it. Easy enough to brush off if it's just an isolated thing, but fucking annoying when it's ongoing.

[IAmBumblebee]

(Please please please ) say to her:

"Oh that fab! Samuel has almost finished packing your backpack too! He only needs to get an extra pack of incontinence pads and some Poligrip and you're good to go!"

Happy cruising!

[CodyKing]

If the history is an excited Grandma who just wants to spoil and cosset her grandson - isn't that what you hope for, in a grandparent? My mum would do this. It's... nice

Interesting to see how the other 3 grandparents react to this -

[leelu66]

She actually dared to think she could sit next to her grandchild?

[curren]

Before posting I tried to think about it from both perspectives.

Still think Yabu. Don't really care who posts.

Or what other Mn'ers think.

You asked and I answered. But it seems you are convinced you are being reasonable, so don't quite get why you posted.

[nancy75]

Family dynamics on mumsnet are so odd. It's presumptuous and pushy of her to think she might sight near her grandchild on a coach trip ffs it's a bloody bus journey, who cares who the kid sits with? i can imagine getting on a bus with my mum or mil and giving a crap about who had put what in a bag or who was sitting next to the child.
Op you are being daft

[KoalaDownUnder]

How the hell is doing something nice for your grandchild 'interfering' and 'presumptuous'?!

It's a bag with a few toys, she hasn't secretly taken him off to get circumcised.

Jesus wept.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

You know it's funny; if I'd have done a reverse and pretended I was the in laws were and said DIL is upset or annoyed that I have packed my own bag of toys and food for my grandson to take on a coach journey, I believe the responses would be very very different. I know they would

I honestly don't think they would. But yeah, try it if you're desperate for more people to agree with you.

I have tried to see it from your point of view, but I have to add my voice to the many saying YABU.

I hope you listen OP. It sounds like your MiL has tried to be thoughtful and kind. She obviously misjudged your reaction though. People eh?

[memyselfandaye]

No it wouldn't, most people would say the daughter in law was being a child.

Why start an aibu if you have already decided you aren't being unreasonable?

Why are you going on holiday with her if you don't like her? Several people have asked, you haven't answered.

[WellErrr]

Mumsnet is funny.

There was a v similar thread recently but the bag was on a plane. That was a pretty unanimous YANBU.

I don't think YABU btw.

[sleeponeday]

If a MIL said she was excited about a holiday with her grandson, and has been picking out some little things she thought he might like, and snacks she thought he might enjoy, to bring along on the long-ish coach journey, but her DIL was angry and said that it was totally unfair because she was also packing a bag and was worried about how it would look... I promise you, the replies would be likely to be fairly similar.

If there's a history of her undermining you and implying you're incompetent, that's different. If the history is an excited Grandma who just wants to spoil and cosset her grandson - isn't that what you hope for, in a grandparent? My mum would do this. It's... nice.

[ChicRock]

Youre going to be a difficult holiday companion if you're this annoyed, 2 months before the event, over something so trivial.

Do you think she thought "I know what'll really piss Pixie off, I'll get some snacks and a few toys together to amuse DGS on the coach trip, that'll get right up her nose".

Or do you think it's more likely she thought "I know what'll be a nice thing to do...".