To be a coward and not tell best friend?

[lepoardnickle]

Have name changed but promise I'm a regular ;)

My best friends husband came round this evening to tell me (after dropping hints for a few months) that he was deeply in love with me and had been for the last few years.

We have kids the same age that have been close friends since they were toddlers, were part of a wider friendship network and live in each others pockets pretty much, id say we see each other a few times a week usually and always go to the same events. Its awkward, horribly awkward. He was upfront with me in a way that sounded like he was trying to figure out his own feelings, kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings ect but at no point tried to make any sort of move so it didn't seem seedy (but really horrible). He seemed genuinely frustrated and pissed off with himself and i tried to laugh it off at first telling him he was probably confused, he kept telling me he was sure. He had thought about it night and day. There had been hints before and he had been popping round more/txting more but nothing way out of the ordinary and nothing ever inappropriate. like i say no moves ever made.

The problem is, with other friends in the past I've told them if their partner is known to be cheating (not with me!!) but this woman is my best friend, I love her, value her, respect her and genuinely care for her marriage. I hope he sorts his feelings out and have told him he needs to get a grip, will be laughing about it one day ect and that he's got so much to loose (Which he agreed with). I can't bare to hurt my friend, I love her too much, I can't lose her as a friend, I can't watch her hurt or hurt her relationship. She doesn't deserve that so i guess what I'm asking is if all he's done is tell me, is it best to keep it to myself? I know id feel different if he had acted upon it in any way (and i definitely wouldn't reciprocate) but is it ok to keep it to myself for the sake of their marriage? I can't imagine them not being ok, not being friends with them. Do things like this ever turn out ok? Im hoping its just a stupid crush but he seems so insistent I just kept laughing it off. I wish he'd never said anything.

Morning op, A lot of people thing hes a sleaze bag, only you have more insight and have been around them both for years. Either way you need to protect yourself so staying away for now is good. When you are in a situation of meeting up with him, you could use your phone to record what is being said as a protection for yourself, just have your phone on in your bag if you feel hes going to talk you, that way it will be harder for him to twist what you have said in his favour at a later date. Sounds spylike but theres loads of apps nowadays.

Id like to think he was confused but the others may be right and this may be a well practiced line from him. If he carries on pursuing you and doesnt concentrate on his marriage or if you notice him doing something similar to another in your friendship group then you would have to tell his wife.

She may not like whats being said espescially at first but in time she will hopefully be grateful to you and through it all you can prove to her what a good friend you are and will hopefully get the chance to continue to be.

Why should the friendship between the OP and his DW be destroyed?
The OP hasn't done anything, her friend hasn't. They haven't had any issue between them.

That the OP would like to take some distance with him I can understand and is one thing I would certainly do.

If he is a serial cheater as some of you think, then I would prefer to stay friends with her and be there to support her rather than airing the laundery for him and leave her with a messy situation and one less friend.

Beside, IF this wasn't aboout testing the after but someone who confused signals or whatever, then telling the friend would be creating a very messy situation with no need. IMO this is a different situation than when you know that the person has been cheating.

I'm also quite surprised by the amount of people who are saying 'Tell her' when in most previous threads, when someone has said 'I know that xx is cheating with YY. Should I tell his wife?' Most people have said it wasn't your issue, stay out of it, she won't believe you anyway and look at the hurt you are are going to cause.
And he is going to lie to her anyway. Isn't that going to happen in that case, esp as, as far as the OP knows, there is NO cheating?

He could be doing this kind of thing all the time and not being sent away with a flea in his ear.

His poor wife, I think I would tell her, she deserves to know what a scum bag she's married to.

Jeez, all these excuses for the man!

He fancies OP/a shag, whatever.

He's married-it's not the Op's problem, but he has made it so.

He's either happy with his wife or he isn't.

If he isn't then he leaves, he shouldn't be sounding out Op first.

None of this should be at all about how the Op does/doesn't feel.

His wife deserves to know what a sleazebag he is, but the risk is that her friend sides with her husband & the friendship is over.

Husband has sure has hell made sure that it'll be awkward if nothing else!

Oh blimey, sorry you're in this sodding horrible position.

Totally agree with what Agent Zigzag said and what other pps have said about him testing the water. What a scumbag.

You have to tell your friend, and tell her soon. Sorry, but if you're as close as you say then it needs to be done.
My best friend and I are like sisters, we share everything. If she or I were in this position then we wouldn't hesitate to let the other one know, we've got each other's backs.

If I found out my DH had been round her house "declaring he was deeply in love with her," and she'd said nothing to me and kept this (slightly vital) piece of information about him to herself, I would be devastated at her as well as him, and our friendship would probably never be the same. I wouldn't trust her again.

Seriously, tell her. She deserves to know this.
She may be hurt and angry and humiliated, but that's HIS doing, not yours. You are innocent of any wrongdoing. He's the one behaving inappropriately, not you.
She may even hate you for a little bit, but you'll just have to let her hate you until she comes to terms with what sort of man he is.
Don't sit on this. Tell her soon.

He doesn't love you. If he did, he would never put you in this position. He doesn't love his wife either, if he did he would never come on to her friend.

I would tell her. You owe him nothing but she is your friend. Keeping quiet only helps him carry on being deceitful to her. But be prepared. He will probably tell her you came on to him, he rejected you and you are now trying to ruin their marriage due to sour grapes.

This is the position he has put you in. Which is not love. It's actually quite cruel.

Confused signals my arse. Crisis my arse.

The OP has not been giving out signals at all. And even if she had, he is married and supposedly in love with his wife. If sleazebag genuinely thought that the OP was giving out "interested in you" signals then the last thing he should have been doing is popping round to hers so much recently.

And this crisis? Been going on for a few months as he's been dropping hints to the OP for that long. He's very gradually been upping the ante with the OP which suggest calculation rather than crisis. Also managing to hide this crisis from his wife and other friends.

How long have you been single, OP? Maybe his interest in you started when you split up with your partner and he's been planning a move since then.

To quote the Artic monkeys What a scummy man!

Deeply in love- what absolute bollocks. I agree with others that said he wants a shag.
Not only is he being a despicable sleazebag he's lazy as well, you're single, nearby and you have contact with each other.
How convenient for him to fall for you.

I would 100% tell her - she probably already knows what he's like deep down, unfortunately you may lose your friend over this.

Is there a chance that he's done this to limit the friendship between his wife and you Op?

It's the (after dropping hints for a few months) that got me! Surely that indicates that he's not upset and confused, if he was surely he would've kept it to himself?

Good luck OP

What a total shit of a man. I agree he's probably after a bit on the side and I'd try to distance myself. Certainly don't get manipulated into being alone with him.

I wouldn't tell my friend - you can't possibly win in that situation. The only slight danger is that he'll tell his wife about his feelings 'because he needs to get it off his chest'. I'd bet you a months wages he won't, though.

If this were me if be furious with him, I'd not have given him the floor to spout all that nonsense and the flea in his ear would still be singing.

He's not be popping around to mine again, and I'd be short and sharp with texts. #OperationShutdown

He's mistaken and deluded and needs to get over himself.

And if I suspected it was a ploy to get into my bed I'd never speak to him again.

I'm liking the suggestion of telling them both together. It's the straight up and honest way of dealing with it (not easy though!).

If you want to have a chance of staying friends with the wife, and you think he's beyond help here, I'd actually invite him back round to discuss. Tell him you were too shocked at the time and didn't want to misunderstand what he told you, or some such thing.

Tell him you haven't indicated in ANY way, shape or form and interest in him, and ask what on earth he was going on about. Let him talk.

Record the conversation. You can do this on your phone.

Later, after you've rejected him, tell him you've thought about it and you're going to have to tell his wife. When/if he blusters or if he threatens you at all, you've got a recording proving it was all him.

How's your day gone OP?

Even though there's a bit of a split in opinion, has the thread help you to come to any conclusions over what you're going to do/not do?

After reading what other posters have said I've rethought my black/white postion and would probably leave it for the minute. Then if he ever brings the subject up again (even once) or starts mooning over you whenever you're around (given that you've made it clear you're not interested) give him the ultimatum (without any apologies and in the strongest terms) that he has 2 days to tell his wife about his fuckwittery or you'll be telling her.

Ignore any crying/attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you/general gnashing of teeth and stick to the deadline. Him bringing it up again is him proving beyond a shadow of doubt what his intentions are.

It gives him a chance to get his act together, just in case it was a moment of madness and he's come to his senses after hearing what you had to say, and you hopefully won't have to say such a difficult thing to your lovely friend.

Thanks for asking ZigZag. Ive managed to check the replies a few times throughout the day (manic few hours with the DCs) and i keep questioning myself as to if I've ever given off any vibes that would encourage this kind of thing.

When we were first friends he was really lovely and funny ect with me and because i was such good friends with his wife i just thought id met a nice couple. I know I've always been treated differently to other friends because I'm the closest one so to speak, but never inappropriately. He went through a stage of being quite mean/snappy/harsh making fun of me whenever i saw him etc but it was quite hurtful (but i am sensitive i guess, i just thought he disliked me for whatever reason, he's now saying thats his way of dealing with his feelings). Ive been single for less than a year so its fairly recent and in that time he has been calling/txting/ popping round on his own with the kids when wife is at work for playdates more than usual, but i still didn't see anything out of the ordinary because there has always been the odd txt/call/playdate if you see what i mean even though I'm much more friendly with his wife. He popped round a few weeks ago with flowers, didn't come in the house just handed me them at the door, I had a vase of dead ones on the side that he had seen a few days before and he said he had noticed them looking sad and wanted to cheer me up. I just saw it as a friendly thing because they have always been such good friends, and that maybe he just felt a bit sorry for me being on my own or something. I can't see how i can have ever given the impression i was interested though.

Its only when he actually sat down and told me that the penny dropped though. My friend/his wife was texting me this morning as usual, so I've replied like i usually would, little conversation and not done anything immediately while I'm still trying to figure it all out. He's txt me later on saying "hey you ok, running so late for work today xxx", and then tried calling this evening, not replied or answered.

Im just really hoping its a confusion/crisis sort of thing and he burys it, he's got no fucking idea what a beautiful little family he has and thats what upsets me the most. I sat looking at a recent picture of my friend and i earlier just thinking you don't deserve this, you are worth so much more. But can i tell her that without anything actually happening and potentially break up a family?

That text to you sounds like he is trying to build a connection with you...you need to nip it in the bud. He is continuing to pursue you...you need to tell her.

There's no need for all this agonising! You don't need to tell her and if he ever brings it up again just tell him to stop being an utter twat and to get over himself.

Don't resort to silly recordings. That is getting you sucked in deeper.
Just leave it. Tell him to stop now and ignore it ever happened. He will come to his senses soon enough.

Bibbity thank you!

'i keep questioning myself as to if I've ever given off any vibes that would encourage this kind of thing.'

You really have to fight against taking any of the blame for how he's interpreted things, even though knowing the person can make it difficult because you end up offsetting their small amount of shitty behaviour with all the good things you know about them/memories you have.

But if this was some random you'd met at the pub, would it be your fault that they'd taken your friendliness as encouragement to declare their undying love to you?

Of course not!

I'm not suggesting a parallel to stalker behaviour (although I wouldn't be surprised if he starts 'harassing' you now he's said his piece and scared about what you might say) but in a similar way, this bloke has built up something in his head that just isn't there in reality.

He's taken your totally normal friendly behaviour and has decided to interpret it through his own 'I want to get my end away and I'm not fussed who gets hurt in the process' tinted glasses.

Was the text he sent out today of the ordinary for him? Would he normally try and call you in the evening? Just wondering how different his behaviour is now that he's declared himself, and how you can stop it spiraling into more things you're keeping from your friend.

He is taking advantage of your vulnerability, OP.

And making you feel guilty.

Once again, you wouldn't be doing anything. Not breaking up a family

Unless he's a complete idiot, the thought of you telling must have crossed his mind.

He's counting on your feelings of complicity to protect his - that's not fair on you or her

Whilst I respect the view not to tell, the fact is, the OP already has a strong emotional reaction to this. How do you keep that from a friend. I couldn't