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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a coward and not tell best friend?

114 replies

lepoardnickle · 22/04/2016 22:42

Have name changed but promise I'm a regular ;)

My best friends husband came round this evening to tell me (after dropping hints for a few months) that he was deeply in love with me and had been for the last few years.

We have kids the same age that have been close friends since they were toddlers, were part of a wider friendship network and live in each others pockets pretty much, id say we see each other a few times a week usually and always go to the same events. Its awkward, horribly awkward. He was upfront with me in a way that sounded like he was trying to figure out his own feelings, kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings ect but at no point tried to make any sort of move so it didn't seem seedy (but really horrible). He seemed genuinely frustrated and pissed off with himself and i tried to laugh it off at first telling him he was probably confused, he kept telling me he was sure. He had thought about it night and day. There had been hints before and he had been popping round more/txting more but nothing way out of the ordinary and nothing ever inappropriate. like i say no moves ever made.

The problem is, with other friends in the past I've told them if their partner is known to be cheating (not with me!!) but this woman is my best friend, I love her, value her, respect her and genuinely care for her marriage. I hope he sorts his feelings out and have told him he needs to get a grip, will be laughing about it one day ect and that he's got so much to loose (Which he agreed with). I can't bare to hurt my friend, I love her too much, I can't lose her as a friend, I can't watch her hurt or hurt her relationship. She doesn't deserve that so i guess what I'm asking is if all he's done is tell me, is it best to keep it to myself? I know id feel different if he had acted upon it in any way (and i definitely wouldn't reciprocate) but is it ok to keep it to myself for the sake of their marriage? I can't imagine them not being ok, not being friends with them. Do things like this ever turn out ok? Im hoping its just a stupid crush but he seems so insistent I just kept laughing it off. I wish he'd never said anything.

OP posts:

squoosh · 23/04/2016 02:50

'He was upfront with me in a way that sounded like he was trying to figure out his own feelings, kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings ect but at no point tried to make any sort of move so it didn't seem seedy'

Ugh give me a break. He's looking for sex. Tell him to fuck off. Use those exact words

'Fuck off or I'll tell your wife'.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 23/04/2016 04:38

OP your problem is that you didn't tell him to fuck off! You kind of seen like you feel sorry for him, poor him he's in a bad situation stuck between two women blah blah blah

You're easy target, you're single so none will go after him and other than that I guarantee you he's done it before

Nope I wouldn't tell his wife not fair on her, but next time you see him be more strict with him ( sort yourself out and stay away from me or I'm telling your wife)

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 23/04/2016 05:19

"that he was deeply in love with me and had been for the last few years."

"kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings".

This is a script he has off pat and I'd be amazed if he hasn't used it before in search of a knee trembler. Note how quickly he went from being madly in love with you, to being in love with two women and torn between them (subtext I'm not leaving her but I'm down to clown).

I don't imagine sleezy bastards looking for a bit on the side proposition would be partners with anything as blunt as 'the wife's up on the blocks til Thursday, but I'm gagging for it, how's about a quickie' as their preferred chat up line, but test the waters first and feed them a line. To give him his due, it is marginally less cliched than 'my wife doesn't understand me' or 'we're only staying together for the kids' but not much.

Janecc · 23/04/2016 05:25

I don't know if he's a serial cheat. Maybe. When I read this, I thought of something I'd heard that the success of long standing marriages was the partners "never fall out of love at the same time". Maybe his feelings are ambiguous at the moment and as the best friend to his wife, he is putting you in a terrible position. I would keep as far away from him as possible and decide what you will do if he continues to pursue you. Your friends marriage doesn't deserve to end and neither does your friendship over the events thus far. You have this thread as evidence for your friend to prove you are on her side if you ever need it.

sianihedgehog · 23/04/2016 05:43

OP, you need to sit them BOTH down for a talk. Don't tell her. Go around when they are both in, sit them at the table and declare that you need to talk about his visit. Tell her what happened, then tell him that you are angry that he has ruined the friendship and she deserves better. Telling her without him present will only result on more he said she said. You're likely to lose this friendship no matter what now he's done this, at least this way you get it all in the open.

MrsBobDylan · 23/04/2016 08:07

Tell her. It will destroy your friendship but as Elsa said, if you don't you and he will be acting weird around each other and she'll just assume you're both having an affair.

Have a think about what he's done 'for love' - risked his own relationship while simultaneously destroying his wife's closest friendship. What an utter bastard. Don't make the mistake of feeling sorry for him op.

Sorry, it's an awful situation for you.

booitsme · 23/04/2016 08:23

Only you know how it came across but I agree with others that even though he told you and then didn't act further upon his declaration of love, he was clearly testing the waters. Do you think his feelings are genuine (confused or otherwise) or is he just trying it on with his wife's single best friend and using words like love to make it appear less sordid to you? Perhaps he has done this before? I would tell him that he has a couple of days to tell her what he did or you will. If you keep this from her she will never trust you again and if you tell her and she stays with him, she won't want you around them. If you don't tell her, you will feel incredibly uncomfortable and awkward around him and she may well pick up on it and could even suspect you have a crush on him. Poor you. You have clearly been nothing but a good friend. There will be repercussions and you may lose your friend but you have to continue doing the right thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 08:30

Wow what an difficult position to put you in, I would tell him that he must tell his partner, or you will. That your friend is a very good friend who you value and love and that you would never hurt her, so don't bother.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/04/2016 08:31

I wouldn't tell but if you do I like the idea above of having them both there, that way he can't deny things.

I strongly suspect that if you told it would be the end of your friendship and not her marriage.

Avoid being alone with him and next chance you get tell him if he pulls anything like that again your going straight to his wife

witsender · 23/04/2016 08:35

I'm torn tbh. He may not have directly made a move, but merely being there telling you was a move. Otherwise why else was he telling you? He was hoping for reciprocation. So I wouldn't call his actions honest, or honourable.

Narp · 23/04/2016 08:40

he has done something terrible, but imo you'd be compounding it by allowing him to have created a secret between you.

Even if it damages your relationship with your friend (it might), i think you have to tell her, if he doesn't

Capricorn76 · 23/04/2016 08:41

I'd make it very very clear that I was not interested in him and tell him that if he promises not to say anything like that to me again I won't say anything to my friend. I would tell my DH though.

Narp · 23/04/2016 08:44

Capricorn

Yes, I'd also tell my DH

Narp · 23/04/2016 08:46

I also think you have to be really careful

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sound a little bit flattered that he confided in you, and a little certain of his honourability.

I agree with other people on here who don't see his behaviour as honourable at all and possibly part of a pattern

BrieAndChilli · 23/04/2016 08:53

I think you will lose your best friend whatever happens
A- you keep quiet and he keeps quiet, he is embarrassed you turned him down and so starts bad mouthing you to her, distancing them from you. Or you feel awkward so start smdistancing you from them.

B- he tells his wife, she will not want to be around you as you will now always remind her that he prefers you to her, you will always make her feel like crap

C- you tell her, same as b as well as her hating you for ruining the illusion of her marraige.

It would take a very very strong and confident woman not to feel nasty thoughts towards you, and I don't think any woman who's husband just told her he's in love with someone else will ever feel super confident!

Lalalili · 23/04/2016 09:03

I probably would talk about this with your friend. The friendship might stand a chance if you frame it as 'I want you to know that your dh has been behaving oddly lately, quite out of character, he came over and said some very strange things, not sure I want to be in contact with him ATM, is everything is OK?' Then avoid the dh as much as possible. If she finds out from him later on that you had this conversation she will feel betrayed. This way, she will still be hurt but know that you are on her side.

Good luck.

TealLove · 23/04/2016 09:03

No do not tell her!
It sounds like he's having a crisis. It will pass. Don't pay too much mind to it and it will go away. I've had experience of this and if you tell her you will never see her again it will change the dynamic if the relationship completely.

GoblinLittleOwl · 23/04/2016 09:05

The point is, he has destroyed your friendship, yours with him and with your friend. You need to get really angry with him, not laugh it off.
Would it be more productive to tell him to sort his marriage out, and to consider his responsibilities, not self-indulgent teenage fantasies; 'deeply in love' indeed.

What effect will this have on the children? Do you have a husband/partner?

Whether you tell her or not, and personally, I wouldn't, because he is not actually cheating, (yet), nothing will ever be the same between you.

Narp · 23/04/2016 09:12

i agree with you BrieandChilli

HazelBite · 23/04/2016 09:12

I think the OP is probably a nice warm and friendly person, and spends a lot of her time (because of her close friendship with his wife) with them as a couple.

He has misinterpreted this warmth as encouragement and an indication of feelings on the part of the OP.
I'm sure many of us have been in the position where we have just been "friendly" with someone of the opposite sex (usually in a work situation) and to your absolute horror it it has been seen as a come on that you want more than a friendly relationship. Probably because of the amount of time he has spent in the OP's company it has gone a lot deeper.
I think the only thing the OP can do is distance herself from them as a couple see her friend on her own and play it by ear as to how the situation evolves.
She has made it clear to him that she is not interested, and I think avoiding him will send a clear message to him.
I hope it works out Okay for you OP, he has really been a selfish so and so to put you in this position.

CaptainCrunch · 23/04/2016 09:13

He's not "in love with you". He's a sleazy chancer trying to find out if you're up for a bit of strange. If it wasn't you it would be someone else.

I think you need to branch out and distance yourself from this friendship group. It's clearly a breeding ground for his dramatic nonsense.

Once he knows you have no reciprocal feelings you'll find his "love" for you will dissipate rapidly.

Kidnapped · 23/04/2016 09:21

I am in the sleazebag not confused camp.

I suspect you are not the first "been in love with you for years" woman he has said this to. I suspect that he finds it a declaration of love to a friend of his wife easier than bothering with Tinder.

It takes a particular kind of scumbag to do this to his wife's best friend.

SmellyFartado · 23/04/2016 09:27

What an utter sleaze ball he is!

Totally agree he was testing the water behind the ruse of hand wringing, deep love bullshit. He's not in fecking Dawson's Creek, this is real life and frankly, he should be more mature about his feelings and more importantly, his priorities toward his partner and children.

Put yourself in your friend's position. Wouldn't you want to know that your partner was putting it out there - as that is what he was doing? What if he is amid a mid-life crisis and blurts this all out to her - you are the one that will look shady for not telling her.

It's an enormous mess of his making entirely but I would have to tell the friend and see if anything can be salvaged going forward.

Best scenario would be that he sinks into the background and you don't see him but I doubt this would happen. The reality is that your friend will probably put distance between you (could be that he puts a different story forward to cover his arse) to concentrate on getting the marriage back on track. Either way, distance yourself a bit as this guy is a ticking time bomb.

stiffstink · 23/04/2016 09:27

If you tell her, which I think you should, I would probably focus on the angle of "he said some things to me which I believe was an attempt to test if I would be interested in an affair" rather than the love clap trap.

Do not give him the opportunity to tell her, he will twist it and downplay it. That would not be fair to your friend, especially as what he has done will probably make her reluctant to speak to you about it when you are likely to be her best source of support when someone else takes him up on his next affair proposition.

CaptainCrunch · 23/04/2016 09:31

Agree with stiffstink. If you tell her make sure your angle is "your sleazebag dh tried it on with me" because this is NOT about "love".

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