To be a coward and not tell best friend?

[lepoardnickle]

Have name changed but promise I'm a regular ;)

My best friends husband came round this evening to tell me (after dropping hints for a few months) that he was deeply in love with me and had been for the last few years.

We have kids the same age that have been close friends since they were toddlers, were part of a wider friendship network and live in each others pockets pretty much, id say we see each other a few times a week usually and always go to the same events. Its awkward, horribly awkward. He was upfront with me in a way that sounded like he was trying to figure out his own feelings, kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings ect but at no point tried to make any sort of move so it didn't seem seedy (but really horrible). He seemed genuinely frustrated and pissed off with himself and i tried to laugh it off at first telling him he was probably confused, he kept telling me he was sure. He had thought about it night and day. There had been hints before and he had been popping round more/txting more but nothing way out of the ordinary and nothing ever inappropriate. like i say no moves ever made.

The problem is, with other friends in the past I've told them if their partner is known to be cheating (not with me!!) but this woman is my best friend, I love her, value her, respect her and genuinely care for her marriage. I hope he sorts his feelings out and have told him he needs to get a grip, will be laughing about it one day ect and that he's got so much to loose (Which he agreed with). I can't bare to hurt my friend, I love her too much, I can't lose her as a friend, I can't watch her hurt or hurt her relationship. She doesn't deserve that so i guess what I'm asking is if all he's done is tell me, is it best to keep it to myself? I know id feel different if he had acted upon it in any way (and i definitely wouldn't reciprocate) but is it ok to keep it to myself for the sake of their marriage? I can't imagine them not being ok, not being friends with them. Do things like this ever turn out ok? Im hoping its just a stupid crush but he seems so insistent I just kept laughing it off. I wish he'd never said anything.

Do you have a serious partner? Because if you do you'll obviously have to tell them anyway, in which case it's not really fair that the three of you know and she doesn't.

Either way, I think you're going to have to tell her. There's no way you could keep up the pretence. She'll thank you for it in the end, but I'm not sure your friendship will survive,

What an utter wanker her husband is. So selfish. He's destroyed his marriage she his wife's most treasured friendship. Way to ruin someone's life.

It's difficult. But he said he loves you both. So there is a chance he will be able to sort it out and get over you. Don't tell her. Wait and see how things turn out. I really hope she hasn't noticed anything yet. But if she dies and tries to confront you about it? I think then you have no other option and you will have to tell her right away.

Zigzag I agree with you, but i mean more than she doesn't deserve to go through a marriage breakdown and lone parenting and everything that comes with those scenarios. I mean that she deserves better from him.

I just wish he would wake up and see how amazing his life is. I can't imagine him ever cheating and he was very restrained at no point tried to make any moves here not even a tiny bit, he genuinely seemed confused maybe he's told me so that i can distance myself from him or something so he's got the headspace to work things out at home. I just really really really don't want to hurt her. she's one of those people that you can hand on heart say are one of the nicest people you've ever met.

Does* in my post!! Stupid phone me

In your shoes, I would leave it for a while before you decide what to do. Sometimes people go through funny crushes, for no particular reason; then it wears off, and they would have been horrified to ruin their lives as a result. He shouldn't have told you; it's his decision about what he does, but it might be that it's a passing thing. I'd avoid him, and be as normal with her as possible, for the time being. Poor woman, and poor you; but it might be that he can manage to pull himself out of his silliness and sort his head out.

Some distance may be all he needs to realise what he has got in his marriage. The grass is always greener and he may be putting you on a pedestal instead of confronting any problems he may have. I dont think your friend will thank you for telling her and she sounds very close and dear to you.

You have done the right thing sending him away and letting him know in no uncertain terms that there is no chance. This will hopefully give him pause for thought and let him focus on his marriage. Telling her may cause more problems when for him it may all change and you mentioned he was confused and saying he loves two women. The fact he has never made a move physically or sent inappropriate texts shows he has some sort of code.

What a horrible situation to be in. No idea what the best course of action is, really. The only thing that occurs to me that you might not have thought of, is: what if you tell her...and he denies it?

Im really hoping so flirty, Im on my own so I'm thinking theres an element of him feeling sorry for me too? He said there wasn't but i can't help feel that thats probably what it is

He didn't make a move and seems confused, so he wasn't asking for you to be with him either as an affair or partner. I think he's got a huge crush and now it's out in the open will probably realise that is what it is, panic, go back to his partner and it will never be mentioned again.

Which is great for him but it puts you in a very awkward position. Do you think you can act normally around his DW now? What if you don't tell her and she starts asking questions about why you seem distant? I think you need to let the dust settle for a week or two and then have a conversation with him where you tell him what an awful position he has put you in.

I really wouldn't tell her. It's not like he admitted to being a serial cheat. I've been in this position before, except he told her first, and I found out through other friends. In the end I was basically pushed out of the group, even though I didn't welcome his feelings at all. This has 'shoot the messenger' written all over it! Also, giving these things oxygen rarely helps. Just refuse to discuss it any further.

'I mean that she deserves better from him.'

She does deserve better from him, but then he's made the choice to not live up to even the basic standards hasn't he?

Him saying he still loves her is just a load of old crud, you don't go around telling other women you're deeply in love with them if you're in a stable marriage with someone you love.

He's not in a crisis situation or even just 'a bit confused', he deliberately told you what he did to try and get his end away on the sly (or to isolate his wife by breaking the closest friendship/support she has?).

'I just really really really don't want to hurt her.'

Again, you haven't done a fucking thing, don't let him make you think you have or start questioning yourself, he's made this situation all on his own and his wife deserves to know what he's trying to get up to behind her back.

*What sort of muppet pops round to tell someone they're 'deeply in love with them', even if it wasn't their wife's best friend? confused

Has he always been a bit of a drama llama?

I wouldn't have sat and listened to it tbh. He would have been sent away with a verbal clip round the ear, as soon as he started.*

This completely. He is a self-centered arse who thinks he is living in a bad novel or song (torn between two lovers anyone?)

Don't tell his wife. he has done nothing and you will certainly be blamed ("I went over to her to discuss the vibes I was getting from her and ask her to stop-honestly"). he probably will someday screw someone else but that isn't your problem. Drop him and his family from your friendship group. It sucks but you have no choice because Twatty McTwatface thought he'd like to have a bit of drama. Arse.

He sounds vile. Tell him you'll discuss the situation with his wife and see how fast he backtracks...

I wouldn't tell her!

I would tell him its not appropriate and it's not recpricated.

I would also stop seeing them together so much for a bit.

A male colleague of mine who I faintly knew did this with another colleague. They worked together every day and he was under a lot of pressure at work and possibly a bit depressed. He genuinely believed she would reciprocate, she didn't and told their manager. She hadn't done anything to encourage him.
He came to work in my office and we became friends. He genuinely could not believe what he had done, I think for him it was a sort of mid life crisis. He told his wife, she recognised it as something that was out of character. He really did love her and their son. He was the sort of man who genuinely enjoyed having female friends, which wasn't that common when this happened in the 1980s, and he seemed to have misread the situation. He had never done anything like this before, and although we eventually shared an office, he never did this to me. It was like a short term obsession, and he came to his senses.
I would wait to see if it blows over. If he is persistent, then you may have to take action with him, but please don't do anything until you have had time to think about it, for the sake of his wife and children.

I would tell her as soon as possible, before he has a chance to panic over the fact you don't reciprocate. Be prepared to be the cast out though. It's extremely unfair but likely that she will blame you.

I can't imagine him ever cheating and he was very restrained at no point tried to make any moves here not even a tiny bit, he genuinely seemed confused maybe he's told me so that i can distance myself from him or something so he's got the headspace to work things out at home.

Oh come on now.

You're his wife's single friend. Do you honestly think that if you replied with, "Yes I have feelings for you too", that he wouldn't have tried to get you into bed?

He's not 'genuinely confused'. He's testing the water here with both feet.

He fancies you and he wanted to know if you fancy him. Actually, it sounds as though part of him assumed you did, otherwise he would have kept his mouth firmly shut if he thought he didn't have a cat in hell's chance.

You've put him straight and that's a good thing, but you also seem to be viewing this 'poor confused bloke' through rose tinted glasses.

He's acting like a first class wanker, who's spun you a line about 'deep love'.

I'd engineer it so he doesn't contact you in any way without his wife present for the foreseeable future.

You don't think he's got some polyamoury situation fixed in his head, do you, whereby he loves both of you and you're both overjoyed about it and everything's hunky dory between all of you

He wouldn't be the first chap to suggest that.

Jeeez what a predicament!
On one hand he trusts you and is off-loading (unfairly) onto you his feelings/secrets etc without wanting to actually leave his wife...he could be depressed/manic..whatever- but it's still uncalled for! I personally would hate to intervene in a marriage and would leave them to let them sort things out themselves but on the other hand...ahh I'd be foaming if my husband did that and my best friend let me waste more time on him by not telling me what happened!
So hard! - I think if anything I'd tell the bloke to tell his wife things aren't good and to sort them out unless you'd say something...cringe! Goodluck

I agree with those that say if you'd have reciprocated, he'd have wanted to take things further.

I've known a few men that have done this sort of thing when an affair is starting to be uncovered, it confuses things and cuts off the wronged party from a means of support.

Agree with whois. Say nothing, distance yourself from him totally and stick with your friend. You'll end up being the bad guy if you tell her.

I agree with Queen,don't tell your friend,distance yourself from him as much as you possibly can without your friend worrying about there being something wrong.

Could you mention having met someone or thinking about dating someone to your friend in front of him(a complete fib but it might help him get the hint that your not interested)and give a description of what he looks like,make sure the description is about as different to your friends husband as possible hopefully that will help drive the message home to him.

I'm with my fellow old cynics. I DESPISE men who do this - I've been in your position quite a few times. They are not confused, sad, bowled over by your utter wonderfulness, or whatever excuse we might feel like making for them. 99% of the time they're serial cheats and this is how they do it.

This is something very, very unpleasant that HE has done to you and to your friend.

He's put you in an awful predicament. He relies on your silence. Either you fall for it and deceive your friend out of guilt, or you deceive her out of loyalty. Plus, if you tell her, there's a strong chance she'll break off the friendship. I'm furious on your behalf!

FWIW, one of my divorced friends told me recently that her XH had been a narcissistic control freak. I hadn't known he was that bad, but the signs were there and I was rather wary of him. He'd done this to me while we were all still in a tight-knit group. In the recent convo, I mentioned it and apologised. She was very sweet about it - but I felt terrible. If I had that time again, I think I'd try and find ways to tell her ... or, rather, to open conversations about the kind of man she was married to and try to assure her she's worth 100 times better! (She's now married to the 100x better, happily.)

He's not 'genuinely confused'. He's testing the water here with both feet. Hell yes.

It's not OK. He's put you in the situation of either hurting your best friend or lying to her. He's a fucking shit-bag. If I was cynical, I would say that he is trying to get laid while isolating her from her best support.

One of my male friends had feelings for me while I was married. When did I find out? Years later. Because he wasn't an enormous shit. He actually avoided me and tried to not give me marriage advice on my awful marriage because he was worried about being unfair. That's a decent human.