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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the wedding industry really is BS

110 replies

paintandbrush · 21/04/2016 21:28

Personally, my ideal wedding would involve me with a bunch of roses (in my fav navy blue Primark summer dress) getting quietly hitched in the church half a mile from my home, then everybody back to mine (or possibly the pub down the road) for a knees-up with fish suppers all round, plenty of free booze and someone with a guitar. Maybe a bonfire too Wink .

If there are too many people to fit in the kitchen-diner, that's too many. Close family plus maybe 5 people I actually talk to. No overpriced car, unwanted presents, battalion of bridesmaids etc.

Obviously this will never ever happen due to a a little thing known as 'social norms'. Wish it could though. Anyone else think it's all turned into a complete rat race, where you have to spend 15k to keep up with the Joneses?

Stop the madness!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 08:33

No go for it, its up to you to do what you want. Many people defy the norms, some people get married in a themed ceremony, some like yours, some have a small and intimate wedding. It would be refreshing to have a wedding like yours, it makes the vows that more poignant. Its not about the big dress, car, venue and showing off, but about two people who love each other and want to make a lifelong commitment. As it should be.

Original poster
paintandbrush · 23/04/2016 08:42

babooshkar hit the nail on the head. Wouldn't want any pretentious stuff either, thank you.
This is all just theoretical, part of me does feel that, in Irish society, you're doing everybody out of a good party. I have 16 aunts/uncles and 24 first cousins and I only ever see them all at weddings. Love a good chinwag myself.

OP posts:
Imaginosity · 23/04/2016 08:57

I'm in Ireland to - with a big family. SIL is annoyed we're not married already - and is expecting a big family occasion. She won't get it as me and DP would not enjoy it and would prefer to keep all that money for raising our DCs.

Whenever we do get round to marrying I might invite both sets of parents as witnesses and then go for a nice meal.

I used to feel like you when I was into 20s - very concerned about keeping other people happy and meeting their expectations.

Now in my 30s I'm completely confident making my own choices - and if people aren't happy with that it's not my concern.

CharlieSierra · 23/04/2016 08:59

it makes the vows that more poignant

No it doesn't, load of bollocks. what's not poignant about the vows said in a church in front of all of a couple's family and friends? That post epitomises wedding reverse snobbery quite frankly. It's such a bore, do what the hell you like and respect everyone else's right to do the same.

CodyKing · 23/04/2016 09:21

No it doesn't, load of bollocks. what's not poignant about the vows said in a church in front of all of a couple's family and friends?

I would say mainly because they have been bored stupid for two years whilst they sort out the finest details - it costs the guests a fortune in gifts hotels, clothes and hen parties - unless you are a bridesmaid and need hair makeup and shoes -

It feels staged - not relaxed - worrying about DC screaming the church -

Each to their own

CharlieSierra · 23/04/2016 09:44

CodyKing if what you think when invited to a wedding is how bored stupid you are and how much it's going to cost you, and you actually resent them for inviting you, it's probably best to decline. With that attitude they wouldn't want you there. And if your DC are actually screaming it's polite and considerate to remove them from any crowd situation; if screaming is a distinct possibility with yours, again, probably don't inflict them on your friends and relatives.

CodyKing · 23/04/2016 10:06

Didn't pick up in the staged/relaxed point there then ....

CharlieSierra · 23/04/2016 10:15

A wedding ceremony is pretty staged whether it's in a cathedral or a garden. Screaming children would be an unpleasant distraction and need to be removed either way.

LagunaBubbles · 23/04/2016 10:22

If you can't stand up to your parents and plan a wedding you want rather than what they want then that's a problem in your relationship with them, not "social norms" though.

momtothree · 23/04/2016 10:29

Mine and DH families are very different -

DH family love the showing off - thousands of pounds - full dinners - the works

Mine are more casual - more about the people you're with rather than how much you can spend - BBQ - buffet -

It is different

HowBadIsThisPlease · 23/04/2016 10:40

I often think that people would be more relaxed, loose and adventurous planning weddings if they could rely on the weather. there is nothing lovelier than an informal gathering in a meadow with some shade on a hot day. And nothing nastier than huddling under not-enough-plastic in pissing down rain. So people book indoors so they have the security of a nice environment whatever the weather, but the nice environment is quite posh and expensive, so it seems "appropriate" to all the dress, the chair covers, the favours, etc; the food goes all posh because you can't just throw stuff on a barbecue in the dining room of a hotel, etc.

Jaimx86 · 23/04/2016 10:49

Meh. DP and I are flouting social norms. Broke it to the parents that were getting married in NYC next year - they were fine with it. We're not telling anyone else.
No 'wedding' dress or guests - just us!

Toffeelatteplease · 23/04/2016 10:51

I find all weddings boring. Whether you have a massive shindig or a small registry plus restaurant or elope or hand fasting in your garden doesn't matter really. They are all wedding cliché in their own way and don't make it any the more or less likely to end in divorce.

Wedding snobbery in either direction is ridiculous

PaisleyParkLife · 23/04/2016 10:55

You dont have to buy-in to the whole epic Bridezilla wedding thing.

Our wedding took 6 weeks to 'plan' and not a single wedding magazine or wedding fair or awful bridal shop involved Grin

Local registry office.
Lovely dress (white but not a wedding dress) and DH bought a nice new suit he would wear again.
My 'bouquet' - some wild flowers a local florist made into a sweet little handheld bunch for me.
My make up and hair were done by a friend with some skills in that area.
Our 'photographer' was BIL (who had a good camera)
We had six guests Grin.
Lunch at a lovely restaurant with lots of bubbly afterwards.

It was a lovely, fuss-free, emotional, wonderful day. No stress involved in the planning. Didn't spend our kids inheritance on it Grin.

itsbetterthanabox · 23/04/2016 11:04

I'm getting married next year and the op is right people always have opinions on how you should do it.
We thought maybe no alcohol but have been shouted down my family and friends.
We want it vegetarian only but know people will moan. Thankfully we haven't been forced to invite every random cousin and distant relative but fiancées parent were a bit annoyed we weren't.
It's silly but everyone has issues!

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 11:14

"I find all weddings boring. Whether you have a massive shindig or a small registry plus restaurant or elope or hand fasting in your garden doesn't matter really. They are all wedding cliché in their own way and don't make it any the more or less likely to end in divorce."

You sound like a bundle of joy Toffee. Not bitter or anything are you?

I like a nice wedding. OH and I have small families and a small circle of friends so haven't been to many weddings. Also, at our stage in life our friends and family are all married or resolutely single and their children aren't of marriageable age yet.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/04/2016 11:21

Grin totally

But the snobbery and reverse snobbery is simply ridiculous.

Show me a wedding that has lasted the years then I will be impressed and up for a party

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 11:30

OH and I have been married for nearly 35 years. Both my aunts and uncles were married for over 50 years. My sister and cousin both celebrated their silver wedding anniversaries last year. Most of our friends have been married for 30 years plus.

CharlieSierra · 23/04/2016 11:34

Thing is Toffee there is only reverse snobbery really. No one on MN is ever criticised or looked down on for having a cheap, simple or intimate do. Anyone who has or wants a traditional white wedding is automatically assumed to be a raging Bridezilla, more concerned with the wedding than the marriage, it definely won't last and on top of that how dare they have the utter temerity to inconvenience anyone by inviting them. It's all so tedious. It's just a wedding, everyone can do what suits them and all the invitees can accept or decline. We've had quite a few weddings amongst friends and family as it happens, as all our DCs are reaching that age, and they are all going strong and starting families, buying houses and generally getting on with life. No Bridezillas and keeping up with the Jones's here.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/04/2016 11:41

I'm not sure that's true. I think the death of the big weddings and really the recognition of your role in a wider social context of an extended families a bit of shame. Small weddings/eloping often seem inherently selfish.

There is a snobbery to both.

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 12:04

I think people are being reverse snobbish about big, fancy weddings because they seem to bring the bridezilla out in the bride to be. Also, many of them do give the impression that the big day is more important than being married.

If DD ever decides she wants to get married I will just let her do what she wants. Unless parents are paying I don't think they should have a say in it.

neonrainbow · 23/04/2016 12:08

Do it whatever you want. I had a traditional ish wedding on a budget and would have hated my wedding to be like the one in your op. I loved throwing a big party for all of our loved ones. A wedding should be an occasion. Variety is the spice of life.

SucculentSoul · 23/04/2016 12:09

I'm in Ireland and we went abroad to get married, we didn't invite anyone. Nobody cared or if they did they didn't say anything.

FishWithABicycle · 23/04/2016 12:50

in Irish society, you're doing everybody out of a good party

Why not have the small wedding you want then throw a big party on a future occasion (1st anniversary?) to get the family together?

NicknameUsed · 23/04/2016 12:59

That sounds like a good idea Fish. Or do what some of our friends did. They got married in Kenya and then had a big party when they got home.