to think the wedding industry really is BS

[paintandbrush]

Personally, my ideal wedding would involve me with a bunch of roses (in my fav navy blue Primark summer dress) getting quietly hitched in the church half a mile from my home, then everybody back to mine (or possibly the pub down the road) for a knees-up with fish suppers all round, plenty of free booze and someone with a guitar. Maybe a bonfire too .

If there are too many people to fit in the kitchen-diner, that's too many. Close family plus maybe 5 people I actually talk to. No overpriced car, unwanted presents, battalion of bridesmaids etc.

Obviously this will never ever happen due to a a little thing known as 'social norms'. Wish it could though. Anyone else think it's all turned into a complete rat race, where you have to spend 15k to keep up with the Joneses?

Stop the madness!

Your ideal wedding sounds amazing. Your wedding is about you and DH to be. It doesn't really matter what your parents want unless you want that too.

FWIW I too would do my wedding my way which would be me and DP getting married then a party. No favours, no wedding cake, no bridesmaids. My DM will be up in arms but it's not her wedding it's ours.

It's probably MN that has gave me the confidence in my own ideas tbh and all the wedding threads.

My DF had a beautiful wedding last year that cost about 20k. I know she loved it and i can see the effort and money that went into it and can appreciate the beautiful things. I had a crap day. Missed off the table planner, no favour as we had somehow been forgot (and another couple). I spent the whole day wondering if i had read the invite wrong and sloped off when i could as i was so embarassed incase i had. Also long period of time outside as that was the venue they had chosen. It was sunny but not warm. What i'm saying i guess is tradition doesn't always mean perfect.

Do whatever you want. Massive white wedding? Totally fine. Tiny private ceremony? Totally fine. Anything in between? Totally fine.

I didn't feel under any social pressure when I got married to be honest. We did what we wanted within our budget.

I think anything that's traditionally seen as a 'women's' thing (weddings, child rearing etc) seem to be seen as things it's fair game to criticise. It's all bollocks.

YANBU

I had a 100 guest wedding in a church but it only cost 4k- not 20!

There's absolutely no reason why you couldn't have the wedding you described. I've been to a very similar wedding and it was lovely.

There's also no reason why a 'big white' wedding has to be really expensive. We had around 100 guests at ours, the cars, the cake, etc etc - cost under £5k. A lot of money on one day, yes, but we were able to afford it and it was what we really wanted. Nearly ten years later we both agree it was money well spent.

Each to their own - have the day you want!

I'd have preferred a much smaller wedding (there were about 250 people) but my husband has a huge and very close family and a lot of friends. We got married before anyone had really heard of wedding favours and decorated chair backs though and it was all fairly simple to arrange.
We actually made a profit on our wedding. We had all the "stuff" we needed already so most people gave us cash and we came out about a grand ahead. I think the total cost of the hotel, cars and all the other bits came to £4500-ish, but it's a very long time ago so I don't remember exactly.
It doesn't matter what you do really, just that you are happy with it.

I think one of the problems is that many people give themselves a long time to plan. Their ideal may be something small and intimate but very quickly the industry can take over. Before you know it you are matching the table decorations to the ushers' socks. All this despite having never originally planned to have either table decorations or ushers (with or without socks).

If that's the wedding you want then go for it! You're an adult, you don't have to do what your parents want (assuming you will pay for it yourself?).

Not a huge fan of the reverse snobbery though. We spent a fair amount on our wedding and I guess some would consider it to have been OTT, but it was exactly what WE wanted - not about showing off or keeping up with the Joneses or anything. It wasn't a formal do, very relaxed but with a lot of guests (both have big families), music, food, dancing and booze which did all stack up cost-wise. I don't think I deserve to have people look down their nose at my choice any more than you do. Same goes for somebody who had the huge white wedding in a swanky hotel with a horse drawn carriage. As long as it's what they want, why can't we just be happy for them?

Personally, my ideal wedding would involve me with a bunch of roses (in my fav navy blue Primark summer dress) getting quietly hitched in the church half a mile from my home, then everybody back to mine

You are Margaret Hale and I claim my £5.

Nothing wrong with low key, but if people have travelled a long way, make it worth their effort. Yes the marriage ceremony is what it's all about, but expecting people to shell out for hotels and travel and presenting them with pub grub or a takeaway might not be reasonable.

I've been to some great low key weddings, and one which was a bit pants.

We spent a fair bit on our wedding day but much less than 15k. We could afford it though so no getting into debt. We junked everything we didn't fancy doing and had an utterly lovely day. By all accounts so did everyone else :) Friends took photos (good amateurs) and were very responsible so we got great pictures. No cake, no wedding cars, no white dress, no church, no DJ (other entertainment was provided)

paintandbrush looks like we're unanimous here in urging you to do it YOUR way!

It's not anybody else's wedding.

Of course you can do it your way. Who's going to stop you?

Do it. It sounds utterly gorgeous

We had 10 guests, including our kids, at our wedding. Dress from Amazon, suit from Debenhams, ceremony at Register Office and meal & drinks at Carvery. I loved it. The guests looked as though (and said) they enjoyed themselves. Everything cost less than £1.5k, including the bar bill and a couple of nights away in a posh hotel.

My sisters had the big weddings that conform to 'social norms'. They have both said that they wished they'd gone for something like mine instead.

It's YOUR wedding day. You're only going to have one (hopefully!), so do what YOU want, not what your family and friends want.

Ours cost less than £1k honeymoon included, just the 2 of us on a fijian Island.the pastor sped in on his speedboat and we got married at sunset. Just do what you want.

I agree the whole industry is brutal.

I remember ringing round venues for my own, and they would add hundreds if you mentioned the wedding word.

I had the wedding I wanted in the end. it was so much fun and not remotely anything to do with the jones, chair tie backs, favours, it was small and totally unique.

and totally un wedding like. In terms of what we are now sold - as the wedding.

Margaret Hales speech also sprang to mind here too
Do whatever makes you happy
We are having registry office, afternoon tea in boutique hotel
Friends coming to our house in evening
Second time for both of us though

There are four industries which exist solely on the marketing strategy which tells women that they are inferior and worthless if they don't spend money and adhere to a social "norm" (which doesn't exist) . They are the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, the baby products industry and the wedding industry.

Op there is no reason on God's green earth why you cannot have the wedding you have described. It sounds lovely and worth so much more than any lavish performance costing tens of thousands of pounds. I, like many others, got married in the way I wanted. Me, Mr Elbows, our two children and two witnesses. That was it. It was Christmas Eve, it snowed and I married the man I love and my very best friend for a grand total of no more than £150. No pressure, no family feuds, no huge amounts of money we didn't have spent on things to go in the bin. It's worth thinking about.

I just think the small weddings are so much more romantic, i read about loads when I was deciding on mine.

If you have money to blow, blow it but if you dont there is something so lovely bout regsitry, posh hotel lunch, etc aj keys stick

Do whatever makes you happy. I like the sound of your ideal wedding.

Me and dh got married in San Francisco with ds and our parents only we had a fab day it was my idea of perfect.

I'm a bridal seamstress, I meet a lot of stressed out brides. Sometimes it's not just the keeping up with the Jones' social media has a lot to answer for.

Every bloody magazine and blog has a new must have the bride simply cannot do without at her wedding. Whether is hair extensions, mascara, personal trainers and don't even get me started on bridesmaids!

Occasionally I do meet the nice, down to earth brides who realise there are more important things in the world other than whether or not they've got their teeth whitened.

Yes, the bridal industry is full of BS you only have to visit the trade fairs to get a whiff of it, it's all pretence and fake and weddings are going the same way.

Do it your way, if you want to have a knees up at the local with people you care about and who care about you just do it.

On the other hand if you want to be a bridezilla with an entourage of prima donna bridesmaids please go to another seamstress!

It's easy to get sucked in to the whole 'tradition' thing, especially when family members stick their nose in. Luckily mine didn't but friends of mine have said they've had grief off mums/dads/grandparents for not conforming to certain 'wedding rules'.

Luckily our families were happy for me and DH to do whatever we wanted and I turned up to our wedding in a minibus.

DH and I had a 'shotgun' wedding.

So no spending years planning it, I was 6 months pregnant on the day and got married in purple, kept costs down because I was shortly going to be on maternity leave.

60 people in a pub that was licenced to have weddings, it was fab, never regretted it.

Do what you want OP, your parents will get over it.

I can't agree with you enough OP. We're getting married in a few months - local Reg. office, local restaurant, friend who is a keyboard player volunteered to be our "band" during the ceremony. Numbers not confirmed yet but I doubt we'll have more than 10 guests.

I am in my early 30's, so peak wedding season. I go to lots of weddings, dance, join in, enjoy myself. But every - every - bride (and some grooms) I've met seems to get stressed and anxious; there is apparently always some family drama that some distant relative has magicked out of the air in time for the event; the costs are ridiculous; and most importantly it seems to me to take enjoyment away from the day - the day will never be good enough with the ridiculous expectations placed on it. With the best will in the world I can't imagine why anyone would succumb to this.