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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the wedding industry really is BS

110 replies

paintandbrush · 21/04/2016 21:28

Personally, my ideal wedding would involve me with a bunch of roses (in my fav navy blue Primark summer dress) getting quietly hitched in the church half a mile from my home, then everybody back to mine (or possibly the pub down the road) for a knees-up with fish suppers all round, plenty of free booze and someone with a guitar. Maybe a bonfire too Wink .

If there are too many people to fit in the kitchen-diner, that's too many. Close family plus maybe 5 people I actually talk to. No overpriced car, unwanted presents, battalion of bridesmaids etc.

Obviously this will never ever happen due to a a little thing known as 'social norms'. Wish it could though. Anyone else think it's all turned into a complete rat race, where you have to spend 15k to keep up with the Joneses?

Stop the madness!

OP posts:
ChiefClerkDrumknott · 22/04/2016 12:53

YABU to whinge about how bullshit the wedding industry is (on the whole I agree) but then grizzle that you have to buy in to it anyway due to social norms Hmm

notquitehuman · 22/04/2016 12:58

YANBU -- the wedding industry plays on people's insecurities about their big day not being 'perfect', and it's bullshit.

However, you don't have to keep up with it at all. Fuck social norms. Organise everything just the way you want it, then send out invites. If people don't like it, they don't have to come. Frankly, I'd be relieved to be invited to a fun, intimate wedding during the wedding season. I bet most of your guests will be happy to keep things casual.

figureofspeech · 22/04/2016 13:04

Here's the ultimate wedding thread, I was shocked when I read this and people are brainwashed by the industry to want a big do so they behave crazily.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2620373-is-this-the-ultimate-wtaf-wedding-related

momtothree · 22/04/2016 13:04

We eloped - it was a lovely day - no pressure nobody interfering no invites -

3 phone calls - florist - venue - register - few forms - all sorted!!!

Do as you please - if that's your dream go ahead -

What was GP wedding like? Or even GGPs? -

sirfredfredgeorge · 22/04/2016 13:05

YABU to describe it as "social norms", when it's actually the fact you're still a chld and are controlled by your parents.

Grow up and do what you want!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/04/2016 13:13

I think your wedding sounds lovely, I would much rather be a guest at your wedding rather than a 'standard' wedding. I find standard weddings dreadfully boring and self indulgent. Spending hundreds to stay in a random country hotel in an awkward to travel to area that has no connection to the couple, lots of hanging around while they have a zillion photos, dinner late and loooong, bland food, lots of small talk, and barely speaking to the couple. We turn down all wedding invitations automatically! Yours sounds like it would genuinely be fun for the guests as well as you.

We eloped on a long weekend away, and I have such wonderful memories of getting married, it was romantic and relaxed and fun. Our parents were disappointed but they have got over it, once we had grandchildren they forgot about the lack of a 'do.

Baboooshka · 22/04/2016 13:27

Not a huge fan of the reverse snobbery though. We spent a fair amount on our wedding and I guess some would consider it to have been OTT, but it was exactly what WE wanted - not about showing off or keeping up with the Joneses or anything.

This!

I think it's just as possible to be tedious, show-offy and pretentious about a small wedding as a large one.

Small casual weddings can be awesome, but not if the low-key element is used for stealth boasting. We are so super laid-back , alternative and fabulous; I wore a bedsheet and a crown of dandelions, and our guests sat in a field of cow-pats eating squashed marmite sandwiches.

If you want to do that, awesome. Just don't make a big self-conscious deal about it (as seen on a million 'alternative' wedding blogs and Pinterest pages). Don't talk to me about how you're not doing chair-swags or sugared almonds; that's just as tedious as hearing about the bloody things from someone who's spent ten grand colour-matching the ballroom.

And I don't want to hear about how lame other weddings are, especially if the words 'rat-race', 'social norm', 'the Jones', 'bourgeois', 'speshul', 'princess' and 'bridezilla' are going to feature. It might be a small wedding, but it's not a casual wedding if you're constantly comparing it to everyone else's.

rubybleu · 22/04/2016 14:04

For good measure we had a 32 person £20k wedding and we loved every minute of it. The money went into food, booze and a fab dress.

The only issue I really took with the wedding industry was the inflexibility over the legal ceremony. We're not religious so wouldn't marry in a church, but that leaves you with what felt like a really sleazy option - getting married by a registrar you'd never met over a perfunctory 15 minute ceremony. Ours was a bit of a cow and managed to be rude to my MIL, SIL, my father and finally my own sister. Her rudeness is the first thing brought up when anyone mentions the ceremony.

It would be so much nicer if you could choose your own celebrant and get married in a location of your choosing.

prettylittlething · 22/04/2016 14:18

GPs on mum's side- not too sure, I wasn't there ;) but have seen a photo of them on honeymoon in the big city. GPs on other side, married in same local church, bride wore mauve suit and matching hat (1950s). They had a reception in seaside hotel in the next town followed by honeymoon in same city.

prettylittlething · 22/04/2016 14:28

This reply has been deleted

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StarkyTheDirewolf · 22/04/2016 15:10

In fairness, I have no idea how much my wedding actually cost as my dps paid for the lot. Blush

Amibambini · 22/04/2016 16:07

Grow a back bone love. You don't have to have the wedding your parents are insisting on, and you don't have to spend 15k to keep up with the Joneses. These social norms you are moaning about are entirely self imposed.

Janey50 · 22/04/2016 17:10

I totally agree with Alasalas2 - 'social norms' for weddings are dreamt up by the wedding industry. Do what YOU and your DP want,not what other people expect of you. Flowers and good luck.

RortyCrankle · 22/04/2016 18:23

I hope you get the wedding you want OP. I've been to a lot of weddings, was bridesmaid eight times, some fancy, some not - the one I enjoyed the most was my best friend getting married in a register office and then we all went for a fab lunch which lasted all afternoon.

funniestWins · 23/04/2016 02:42

Baboooshkar - you hit the nail on the head. I love a good wedding be it a lavish one for 300 or informal and relaxed. Nothing worse than fashionably and vocally not keeping up with the Jones'. As a slight aside, anyone who gets a guitar out to play without actually being 'the band' should be forced to eat it.

We had a hog roast and lots of booze on the parents lawn for 150 as the 'evening do' and >20 closest family in the church for the actual ceremony.

SabineUndine · 23/04/2016 03:16

The best wedding reception I ever went to was at the local rugby club. None of this separating out family from friends business. Everyone together, huge buffet, party till 2pm.

That said, another friend did even better: two 9ct wedding rings, purple frock for her, registrar's fee and a drink in the pub after. Came to less than £150.

TerrorAustralis · 23/04/2016 03:59

Unless you are relying on your parents to pay for the wedding there's no reason why you can't do it your way. Do what you want, seriously.

squoosh · 23/04/2016 04:19

I don't understand spending £15,000 you don't want to spend because your parent might get a bit huffy! I agree with everyone else, these 'social norms' you speak of are entirely self imposed. Just have the wedding you both want! Lots of other people manage it.

mishmash24 · 23/04/2016 05:16

You say obviously this will never happen OP, but it can and should if this is what you want. It's your day, do it your way and forget everyone else, don't look back for all your married life regretting being swept along into something that you didn't want (and spending all that cash).

I've done it twice now, my first I was swept along, huge church and hotel affair, pretty much every relative and friend invited. Never felt so lonely in a day that was supposed to be all about me. In all the planning I only thought about the guests and their comfort, we appear to have put on a party that everyone will never forget, the last time most of our extended family got together, even now in front of the current dh, people feel compelled to tell me what a fabulous day it was 😳. Most of all I think about all the money and how it could have been better spent.

2nd time around we did it exactly how we wanted, yes in a small but beautiful country house hotel, with a little gorgeous room for the ceremony and another little room for us and our 11 guests to have a lovely meal, we had simple flowers, a small cake, my dress was an off the shelf one from debenhams in the sale - it was just right for us.

Do what makes you happy, some will absolutely love it, some will not, but it's not their wedding, it's yours. Be selfish, on your big day you're never more entitled to be! Take it from one who knows, you'll always live with a little knot of regret about what should have been if you don't!

lasttimeround · 23/04/2016 08:02

Just do it how you like it. If it's v different to norms tell people beforehand so they can adjust expectations

raisedbyguineapigs · 23/04/2016 08:13

It's not really a social norm. People always had big or small weddings. The wedding industry has cashed in. Firstly with the '3 month salary' engagement ring, and then all the paraphernalia on top. People perpetuate it by trying to keep up with the Joneses. In 6 months time, nobody but you will remember or care whether the bridesmaids dresses matched the groom's cravats or whether your hair extensions were long enough. They might remember if they had a good time or not!

Savagebeauty · 23/04/2016 08:16

I had 11 people at my wedding.
There will be 2 at my next Grin

topcat2014 · 23/04/2016 08:19

Close family member got married overseas - just the two of them - no family. Raised a few eyebrows - but nobody died..

Good luck with what you choose.,

FishWithABicycle · 23/04/2016 08:23

OP in that case it's not the wedding industry that is the problem, it's your parents. You need to tell them firmly that they had their wedding, this is yours. The day you describe in your OP sounds perfect - do it. The second cousins do not need to be invited.

Fwaffy · 23/04/2016 08:23

Agree with PPs. Do what makes you happy, be it big and lavish or small and casual.

We had small and casual. DH's parents are quite traditional so were a bit Shock about lack of church, but they supported us in our decision and had a lovey time because they love their son. Plus it was all presented as a fait accompli!