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AIBU?

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Original poster

to realise I'm extremely spoilt and need to do something about it before I ruin another relationship?

76 replies

DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 20:18

Please don't judge too much ... I'm an only child, now in my fifties and have two failed marriages behind me. I'm suffering with extreme depression and spending a lot of time looking at how I act and react and have established that I'm extremely spoilt and hate not getting my own way.

For example today I wanted to go for a walk with my partner (we don't live together), but he's not well and didn't feel up to it. Not only am I struggling with the fact that he's ill - again, he has a chronic illness and never feels well for longer than a week at the moment, it's taking its toll, as I seem to need happy upbeat people around me right now, or I sink into the depths of despair - but also that he wouldn't go with me. I realised that I was angry that he wouldn't go with me.

I know this is awful ... I don't want to be like this. He's a lovely person and I keep giving him a hard time because I'm struggling with the fact that he won't go anywhere or do anything with me most of the time because he doesn't feel up to it.

I'm waiting for some counselling, I've been referred by my GP, but in the meantime wanted to read something that might help.

Has anyone experienced something similar and can suggest something read or listen to?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/04/2016 20:20

Do you have other examples of why you feel spoilt? Do they all link to his illness or was this the same with your ex husbands?

gamerchick · 21/04/2016 20:23

Yeah I'm not getting the spoilt thing. A partner having a chronic illness is bound to get to you sometimes.

firesidechat · 21/04/2016 20:25

Who says you are spoilt because I'm not seeing that either. Being with someone who is always ill is depressing and frustrating. You sound normal.

HPsauciness · 21/04/2016 20:26

Spoilt isn't the right word, perhaps you are meaning 'frustrated'. If you are depressed then you may take things the wrong way. It is incredibly hard to be with someone who is chronically ill and it sounds like your whole relationship is changing, it's normal to feel frustrated and angry at times about that. Obviously you might want to control that a bit as it's not his fault, but there are few carers/partners of those with chronic illness that sometimes don't feel pissed off or angry or wish things were different. I think counselling will help you sort this out.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 20:35

Thanks for your reply.

It was the same with my ex husbands Sad looking back. Same sort of reaction - angry if I didn't get my own way. I always thought it was just that I can't be alone, and I do still think that is part of it, but it's ridiculous ...

I'm trying to think of another example, but it's mainly similar stuff ... not getting my own way about something, not liking my exh going out without me, leaving me at home .... Sad

OP posts:
pictish · 21/04/2016 20:55

Depends how often he went out without you.

Fairylea · 21/04/2016 21:03

Having a partner who has a chronic illness is depressing in itself to be fair (I've been on both sides of that one). You don't have to stay with someone just because you feel sorry for them if they're not the right person for you - just throwing that out there as I'm picking up that the fact you want to do more and there's this underlying resentment maybe that he can't. Perhaps you're not that compatible? How's the relationship the rest of the time?

I also truly believe that there's nothing wrong with knowing yourself and what makes you happy, if a relationship isn't doing that for whatever reason there's no shame in saying it's not for you. It doesn't make you "spoilt" because you don't like the way someone does things.

5BlueHydrangea · 21/04/2016 21:03

You sound a bit possessive perhaps?
My dh has a chronic illness (CFS) which makes him very tired. It can be very frustrating as we have to plan family days around it and make allowances which restricts us sometimes. Quite often I do things with the dc and not him as he is simply not able. It is frustrating for all of us but there is not much we can do.

Do you have many interests/hobbies which you do independently of him? Then if he is too unwell to accompany you then you have other things too. Or compromise more and find something you can do together that is less physically draining?

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 21:27

The relationship is ok ... I didn't realise before how much impact his health would have on things I guess.

My exh didn't really go out much at all ... not when I reacted the way I did! he didn't dare ... not good Sad

I AM very possessive and also jealous, something I've always struggled with.

I don't have hobbies or interests really .. my children took up all my time for a long time, then walking the dog with friends ... now I've moved away from my friends, so end up walking the dog alone if he doesn't come with me, which I find a little sad. I'm trying to meet people, but it's difficult when you don't work out of the home and don't meet people at the school gate.

I don't think he wants to find something less physically draining. When he feels ill, he's very quiet, doesn't talk .. I find it difficult to be around him.

However, my behaviour is not ok and I do need to do something about it.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 21/04/2016 21:33

Could you find a job out of the home? Where you wil meet new people and have another focus in your life? Or take up a hobby to have a new interest, get some exercise and meet new people so you don't depend so much on your dp.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 21:36

At the moment I'm written off sick with depression and anxiety and to be honest struggle to even leave the house to be among people (phobia problems) apart from walking the dog. I'm working on it though ...

Exercise is a problem due to physical problems too Sad

OP posts:
wasonthelist · 21/04/2016 21:42

Op I can't really help except to say at a similar age and single (again) I have realised I have zero empathy with pretty much anyone which has not been helping me have long term relationships - good luck, sincerely.

Quook · 21/04/2016 21:43

None of us are perfect Smile

Surely if you are now realizing that you have been a bit difficult in the past then isn't that a good thing! It means you can do something about it. Dont try and change yourself into Mother Teresa overnight but just try and make little changes. If you feel yourself being or feeling negative stop for a few moments and have a good think about whether your behavior is appropriate or not. I'm a big believer in the fake it until you make it way of doing things. So, for example, when you next feel grrrrrr Angry Angry when your DH doesn't feel up for a walk smile sweetly and act like it's fine,. Eventually your feelings will catch up with your actions.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 22:37

That sounds like a good idea.

The problem is that when I ask something and he says no, I get extremely upset about it - to the point of crying - which could be linked to the depression and then need to tell him how I feel, apportion some blame, as it were, make him feel guilty ...? I don't know ... I know that I need to walk away from the situation, but at the moment I struggle to do so. Then it ends up becoming very ugly and nasty and we both get upset.

I hate myself for this. I don't want to be this person.

Is this a sign of some sort of mental health problem or am I just spoilt?

Sorry, I'm extremely ashamed to admit these things here Blush

OP posts:
HappyFatty · 21/04/2016 22:49

I react similarly to you when I'm not well (also an OC, but not sure that's the reason TBH!) I have Cyclothymia which is a type of Bi Polar Disorder. Mine was, as it often is, misdiagnosed as depression, naturally enough as I wasn't long postpartum and I just saw my GP. Anti-depressants sent me loopy and made me totally unreasonable to the point of narcissism. It felt like if I couldn't have everything the way I needed/wanted it to be I just couldn't breathe like a kind of claustrophobia. I saw a Specialist and they helped me come off the AD's slowly and onto Carbomazapine (spell!) My mood stabilised over a few months. That was 7 years ago and I've been mainly stable ever since. I still have triggers and flashes but they're manageable now. Best advice is seek specialist support. x

Quook · 21/04/2016 23:05

That does sound very difficult for the both of you. It does sound like a bit more than just being 'spoilt'

I am reluctant to suggest things as I don't have experience of depression and or mental illness and I don't won't to say anything that might seem glib. Have you got anyone in real life who you can talk to? How about your kids?

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 23:19

Thanks. Getting my gp to take any interest is hard enough, getting a referral would be nigh on impossible I think. Any idea what I should say to her?

The only person I can talk to is my partner. I don't want my kids to worry.

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 21/04/2016 23:39

I'm a spoilt fucker op. There's no magic solution, it's just a constant journey of self awareness and forcing myself to walk away and internalise my seething rage when someone says no to me. Sometimes it's easier, sometimes it's harder, but overall I would say I'm much better at not acting like a tantruming brat...even when I still feel like one inside.

Swirlingasong · 21/04/2016 23:42

How old are your children? If they are adults, they may well welcome you talking to them? If you really have behaved as you say you have, they surely will know about that and would like to help. I would hate to think my mum felt like you do and just didn't want to worry me.

For what it's worth, you sound very brave to me and your op made me think about a few things in my own life to do with my attitude to illness, so thank you.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 21/04/2016 23:55

Thanks whatthe and swirling, you both made me smile.

whatthe, how do you manage to walk away? Do you find it difficult too?

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 22/04/2016 00:01

Yeah really difficult! I just have to cling to the memories of the regret that I feel when know I've behaved horribly to someone I love, and just focus on thinking 'I'll regret it if I open my mouth now' sometimes I walk away and cry like a massive baby with frustration/anger, but that's still preferable to ending up in a nasty argument where ultimately I know I was wrong.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 22/04/2016 00:28

Thanks, that really helps Star

OP posts:
groovergirl · 22/04/2016 01:49

You don't sound spoilt, OP; you sound very isolated. Having read the thread, I'm not surprised you're depressed.

Have you asked yourself your reasons for staying in this relationship? There doesn't sound anything positive about it. And if you've moved away from your friends to be with him, that is a big sacrifice. You have no job, no friends, no social life and no one but your dog to go walking with. Seriously, why do you stay?

It is OK to want some of your needs met. It's not being spoilt, it is enlightened self-interest. You seem to be beating yourself up for wanting to have a normal, reasonably pleasant life.

groovergirl · 22/04/2016 01:55

Correction. You say you "don't work out of the home", which is not the same as not having a job. Sorry.

pictish · 22/04/2016 06:56

Come on folks, as brave as the OP has been in admitting her foibles here, having your partner afraid to go out without you for fear of the shit-fit you'll chuck isn't enlightened self-interest, it's abusive, controlling and totally self absorbed.

OP well done you for recognising it - I agree you have a problem.

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