to realise I'm extremely spoilt and need to do something about it before I ruin another relationship?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Please don't judge too much ... I'm an only child, now in my fifties and have two failed marriages behind me. I'm suffering with extreme depression and spending a lot of time looking at how I act and react and have established that I'm extremely spoilt and hate not getting my own way.

For example today I wanted to go for a walk with my partner (we don't live together), but he's not well and didn't feel up to it. Not only am I struggling with the fact that he's ill - again, he has a chronic illness and never feels well for longer than a week at the moment, it's taking its toll, as I seem to need happy upbeat people around me right now, or I sink into the depths of despair - but also that he wouldn't go with me. I realised that I was angry that he wouldn't go with me.

I know this is awful ... I don't want to be like this. He's a lovely person and I keep giving him a hard time because I'm struggling with the fact that he won't go anywhere or do anything with me most of the time because he doesn't feel up to it.

I'm waiting for some counselling, I've been referred by my GP, but in the meantime wanted to read something that might help.

Has anyone experienced something similar and can suggest something read or listen to?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thank you random, you've been extremely helpful.

[RandomMess]

At least that is my understanding of what going on for me and the issues we currently have seem of a alikeness.

[RandomMess]

That person taking over is most like yourself as a young child. When you are young you see yourself as centre of the universe so any slight/rejection etc is all encompassing and overwhelming.

So you fee hurt and go back to the little girl you were and all the out of control emotions come and drowned you.

It's a fine line to walk between being totally rational (not healthy) and totally emotionally (not healthy on everyone around you).

Be kind to yourself

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thanks. Tbh I think all of them somehow .. Parents were very busy with a shop when I was growing up, they worked from 5 a.m til 9 p.m then went to bed. First dh was ea, criticised everything I did, until I lost the little confidence I had.

I don't like myself either, I.think I'm ugly, stupid, just hate myself.

I'm paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back, paranoid snout what they're thinking. I can never relax and be happy.

I can't afford a therapist privately (trying to survive on benefits after ESA was stopped following unsuccessful work capability assessment), but I've self referred on the NHS, waiting to hear, but have been told the waiting list is at least six months.

St At least bf and I have been talking a lot. He's aware of how I feel, the demons I'm fighting, and I'm trying really hard to not say anything when I feel the way I described above, until it blows over and I can think rationally.

The only way I can describe it is it's as if someone takes over, I can see it happening, but can't stop it.

[RandomMess]

I was going to explain to Iona it's like asking someone with a leg injuries of more than 40 years to get up out of their wheelchair and walk!!!!

I'm not sure what went on in my early childhood (suspicions yes) but the emotional trauma for me started there. Recent discussion with my therapist has been about accepting for me this may be as good as it gets unless I pay for long term therapy (working on my emotional limbic brain responses/issues). Something in my brain doesn't work properly - I have no hobbies/interests (not for the want of trying, I do have friends and they do care about me but ultimately I know they are not there for me - they have their own families etc...

I know all the theory - I learnt much doing (lots of) psychotherapy but actually being able engage it in an authentic way is tricky/impossible/exhausting.

What I will add is that I have a DH and youngish family still, if I were single it would be easier to work on my issues because if I wanted to stay at home in be in a foul mood, or rage or whatever I could. Perhaps consider finding a therapist that is right for you and use the next few years of your life to see what needs working on to give you long term joy.

Also the high/low mood swings - I know how scary they are.

I can only speak for myself (so examine and reject if this isn't you) - ultimately I just don't like myself, not who I am, what I look like, how I behave, what I have & haven't achieved. I don't like any of it so I don't love myself either. At least when you work out what is wrong your therapist knows what it is they are helping you with. It is very painful though digging deep to recognise what is going on and being brutally honest with yourself.

"I am angry that he won't go with me" inner rational voice = but he's unwell it ridiculous of me to expect him to.

Dig deeper, what do you find? E.g.

"I am so angry because he's another person that doesn't care"
"Nobody ever cares about me"
"Whenever I'm really hurting the people who pretend they care just do nothing"

Hmmm - so who is it who really let you down...

Your 2nd H. 1st H, parents, mum....

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

If it was that easy to make friends, create new relationships, find hobbies .... If I had the motivation and energy for any of that, I wouldn't be depressed. That would be great.

Do you also tell depressed people to pull themselves together, Iona ?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Random, I don't think she had She just made me feel even more crap than I already do all the time.

[RandomMess]

IonaNE - have you have had severe or long term depression?

[IonaNE]

OP, for me the sentence that stood out from your original post was
I seem to need happy upbeat people around me right now, or I sink into the depths of despair
I'm afraid this does sound a bit entitled. Other people do not exist to provide a therapeutic addition to your world.
You say you don't have hobbies/interests - I would try to find some so that it's more in your control what cheers you up/occupies you/fills your time and mind.

You say it's difficult to find friends if one does not work outside the house and is not part of the "schoolgate club". I was never part of the latter and I don't make friends at any current workplace out of principle. But I have never suffered from lack of friends (I'm a bit younger than you but not much). I would first concentrate on creating meaningful strong friendships because friendship is a free relationship and when you have friends you know that you are "ok" (friends can leave at any time, they are not tied to you by children, property, sex, anything).

[RandomMess]

It's a work in progess....

Being NC with my parents has helped, doing a lot of grieving has helped, excellent psychotherapy has helped,

It's a long slow trek and emotionally I'm still "stuck" in some ways tbh.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thanks xx

Did you find a good way of coping?

[RandomMess]

The type of behaviour you think may be bipolar is more likely to be extreme depression with some emotional trauma for good measure.

I was so ill at one point they did try me on mood stabiliser's suspecting mild bipolar however as I recovered it was clear that I just have very deep rooted depression and have experienced emotional trauma a few times.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

I've been thinking about this a lot and keeping a diary to try and track my thoughts when it happens.

I think in my heart of hearts I know he's not right for me, but I don't feel I can admit I was wrong at the moment .. Maybe soon. I can't envisage spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to do anything or go out, but just wants to lie on the sofa in my arms. I understand why and it's ok for now, but in the long term I'll get bored

The frustration seems to stem partly from his vagueness and the fact I can't rely on anything he says .. He just doesn't do anything and it's driving me crazy.

He can't initiate anything, including sex, which leaves me feeling very demanding. And although that side of things has improved, he's very passive, wants to be told what to do. I can do that sometimes, but I also want to see some passion, that I turn him on.... Does that make sense?

I don't want to make any quick decisions, I need to really think things through.

I've also done a lot of reading online; a lot of my Behaviour (either very up or totally down, paranoid about people not wanting to talk to me, see me) points to possible bipolar, but I don't think there's much point talking to my current gp,as they really don't listen. I'm going to change surgeries, I think I've found a good one, and then start afresh.

Sorry,I know this is mostly irrelevant to the thread title, but I wanted to write it down, see if it made sense?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Love the aerosmith quote

That's true. But my current dp isn't a loser or tosser, just unfortunately not well.

Your cat's typing is very good

It was my first exh that was emotionally abusive. At the time I was young shy and timid, no I don't think I was EA towards him, but now I'm wondering if the experience changed how I react ...?

I'm away til tomorrow afternoon, which in itself is a good thing,a bit of a break, but that's a good idea, taking it a day at a time, not so overwhelming.

[SaucyJack]

(Sorry. Cat on the keyboard)

I'm sorry if that wasn't the answer you were after, but you can't make yourself want to martyr yourself to emotionally unavailable men- and FWIW I don't think you should want to try.

Instead of trying to figure out why you react the way you do, I honestly think you'd be better off trying to figure out what draws you to stay in such unsatisfying relationships in the first place.

Take care dude xx

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

[SaucyJack]

artyr 7/youl'm sorry if that wasn't the answer you were after, but you can't make yourself want to ma41/725=[

[PointlessFriend]

You mention that your last partner was emotionally abusive but do you think your were emotionally abusive towards him? If not, it does seem sad that your behave worse towards your current partners who you love than you did towards the ExH.

I really think this is a bit too complex for Mumnet.

Are you seeing your DP today? How about a very short term and achievable goal of being a nice supportive partner today. One day at a time and all that.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

[SaucyJack]

"find out why I behave the way I do and try to change it."

But you've already answered your own question.

You've spent your whole life saddling yourself with a bunch of tossers, losers and others who can barely look after themselves, and then you get angry with them when the demonstrate that (once again) they can't or won't put you first.

This is a choice that you've made for yourself, and if you wish to continue with your current partner then I don't really see the problem resolving anytime soon.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

LaContessa, an interesting idea ... I don't know ... I've no idea why I react the way I do. I thought I'd been spoilt, but looking back I can't remember being spoilt in any way during my childhood. I don't understand the way I act at all.

Yes, my current relationship isn't meeting my requirements, but I do love him and for many reasons I'll not go into now I'm not walking away from the relationship. I just want to work on myself, find out why I behave the way I do and try to change it.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

I broke up with him because he turned out to be lazy and ran up debt through unemployment

No, I don't think I've ever felt respected and cared for. My first ex was a b*stard and I suffered emotional abuse. I've always felt ridiculous and stupid.

[SaucyJack]

Why did you break up with the ex who you used to give grief to if he went out without you?

I think we can all agree that your current relationship isn't meeting your needs, and you are essentially not a terrible person for wanting to be with someone who can give care and consideration as well as taking it back- even if you do respond in a manipulative, PA fashion.

Have you been in a relationship with someone who made you feel as though you were respected and cared for? Did you still behave badly then?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Perhaps the core problem is very low sense of self-worth?

Do you judge your self-worth on whether people will do what you want? So if you mattered to them they would do x y z to make you happy and because they don't/won't/can't your self-worth gets battered and you then get angry rather than realising actually you are hurting?

I got that impression as well RandomMess. In fact I empathise a lot with all of your explanation..... I don't think I am spoilt, quite the opposite in fact. I have a feeling I wouldn't respond this way if I had in fact been spoilt a bit

Sorry you're feeling so down about this op, I hope you find a way forward.

P.S. I suspect part of your reason for posting was because you were actively seeking criticism and confirmation that you're a shit person. I have the urge to do that sometimes too; my therapist laughed and said I was clearly missing my (emotionally abusive) mother on such occasions and was seeking the same responses elsewhere. You may be doing the same

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thanks for your reply

I have just bought myself an adult colouring book (sounds suspicious! [Grin] ), a mindfulness one. I find it quite soothing. I used to read lots, but have trouble concentrating at the moment.

I like the idea of a coffee group, but am probably too shy at the moment.

[monkeymamma]

Sorry op have now rtft and see things have gotten a bit deeper. Hope my answer does not sound simplistic or glib. However I hope things get better for you