to realise I'm extremely spoilt and need to do something about it before I ruin another relationship?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Please don't judge too much ... I'm an only child, now in my fifties and have two failed marriages behind me. I'm suffering with extreme depression and spending a lot of time looking at how I act and react and have established that I'm extremely spoilt and hate not getting my own way.

For example today I wanted to go for a walk with my partner (we don't live together), but he's not well and didn't feel up to it. Not only am I struggling with the fact that he's ill - again, he has a chronic illness and never feels well for longer than a week at the moment, it's taking its toll, as I seem to need happy upbeat people around me right now, or I sink into the depths of despair - but also that he wouldn't go with me. I realised that I was angry that he wouldn't go with me.

I know this is awful ... I don't want to be like this. He's a lovely person and I keep giving him a hard time because I'm struggling with the fact that he won't go anywhere or do anything with me most of the time because he doesn't feel up to it.

I'm waiting for some counselling, I've been referred by my GP, but in the meantime wanted to read something that might help.

Has anyone experienced something similar and can suggest something read or listen to?

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Yes you sound unreasonable. Knowing first hand what a chronic illness can do you need to be sympathetic and help them then they might be more likely to help you with how you feel. Compromise by suggesting you do something else together and either go for a walk on your own or a friend.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thanks. I know it's unreasonable ... but for some reason I can't stop myself ... I am worried it's my mental health. I know the ADs aren't helping, maybe I should go back to my GP as I feel out of control. But having looked up bipolar I don't feel that's me at all. And my GP never seems interested in anything, just writes out a prescription for another AD to try ... I don't know how to explain to her how I feel .... what's happening.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Maybe try and think before you react how you would feel if he spoke to you like this if you didn't feel like doing something because of your depression. Sounds like anger problems. Meditation is supposed to be very helpful for relationships, there is an app that's very popular you could try called headspace.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

I do ... I spend hours thinking ... ... but at that moment nothing seems to matter ... I feel out of control

I have Headspace, thanks, I'm just trying it out.

[corythatwas]

Would it help to have a plan for what to do when you feel thwarted and/or rejected?

Something simple and doable like getting up and going into the kitchen to put the kettle on, or going into the bedroom and looking at something nice you have put there in advance or doing some kind of CBT exercise (closing your eyes and visualising yourself in a nice soothing place, like a tropical beach).

Also, a plan for when you did lash out and want to get out of the situation.

[SonjasSister]

I think you should find another GP, or ask for a referral to someone you can talk this through with. Someone who can help you gain insights into what is going on might really be able to help you. It sounds to me as though you might be insecure and anxious, rather than 'spoiled' as such. Pills alone might not be the best help?

[Stormtreader]

"The problem is that when I ask something and he says no, I get extremely upset about it - to the point of crying"

It might be worth having a think about the last time that happened and see if you can identify what was the middle stage of feelings that made you cry and get so upset. Its "ask, told no" -> ?? -> crying

Do you think "But I want you to!" or "but I want to go and its too scary to go on my own!" or "are you trying to avoid spending time with me, arent I important to you?" or something else?

If you can find out what exactly it is that is making you so upset, you can then start trying to find ways to address it, because those three examples are all caused by quite different things.

[Lemonblast]

What is your relationship with your children like?
Do you have grandchildren?
Has anyone actually TOLD you that you are spoiled/ selfish etc?

[corythatwas]

Stormtreader makes a very good point: it would probably help if you could identify exactly what happens when you get so upset.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

My relationship with my children is great, we are in touch all the time (two live far away) and my eldest constantly tells me I've been a wonderful mum.

I don't have any grandchildren.

The only person to tell me I'm selfish was my dad many many years ago, just after I left home and wouldn't stay in at the weekend to receive their phone calls. It has stayed with me every since though ... we did have a difficult relationship and I have thought about it a lot recently since he died.

I'm struggling to analyse why I react the way I do. It's sometimes as if I want someone to care, feel sorry for me ... as if I'm thinking, well, I know you're not well, but i do everything for you, but I'm here too and I don't feel well all the time, but you're not there for me ... although he would say he is there for me ... but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Maybe I'm just very needy too ...


It might be worth having a think about the last time that happened and see if you can identify what was the middle stage of feelings that made you cry and get so upset. Its "ask, told no" -> ?? -> crying
Do you think "But I want you to!" or "but I want to go and its too scary to go on my own!" or "are you trying to avoid spending time with me, arent I important to you?" or something else?
If you can find out what exactly it is that is making you so upset, you can then start trying to find ways to address it, because those three examples are all caused by quite different things.

I think I think, "but I want you to" and "I'm lonely" and "I need someone to love me" all at the same time. Does that make sense?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

sorry for the messed up formatting in my last post ...

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Maybe it's just that I feel so depressed and i want someone to make it go away ...?

I can't cure it myself, and I'm fed up of feeling this way, I'd just like someone to make it better?

[Quook]

It doesn't sound like the relationship is working for either of you, have you considered breaking up? Might it be kinder in the long run? [confused)

[RandomMess]

Perhaps the core problem is very low sense of self-worth?

Do you judge your self-worth on whether people will do what you want? So if you mattered to them they would do x y z to make you happy and because they don't/won't/can't your self-worth gets battered and you then get angry rather than realising actually you are hurting?

That hasn't been explained very well at all!!!!!

What is it that other people do that makes you feel loved & accepted and then the reverse what behaviour from other people makes you feel like you aren't important to them?

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

I don't know

I'm fed up of trying to work out what's wrong ... I just don't know

[RandomMess]

Well depression is often anger turned in on itself.

I also think you need to look closely at what you learnt as a child - the pattern of behaviour between your parents and between you and your parents.

A lot of "spoilt brat" behaviour seems to be rooted in DC not having their emotional needs met so they demand more and more of "something" to try and make whatever is hurting better.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

I can't really remember how my childhood was.

[PointlessFriend]

In some respects it doesn't matter why you are doing something all that matters is the fact you are doing it. You know that the way you are treating your partner is really bad so the most important thing is to stop and if you can't stop then you need to keep away from him.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

No, I realise that. My partner says it's not a problem, he loves me and it makes no difference to him.

But I want to know what the cause is and learn to deal with it. I do feel I have extreme highs and lows with nothing inbetween. I also seem to have an urge to self destruct, as if I don't feel I'm entitled to be happy.

I think I'm going to change gp and then push for an assessment.

[Skittlesss]

Check out local counselling services - your gp can refer you, but also some accept self referrals as well. I think it sounds like you need to talk to someone rather than trying medication.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thanks. My gp has referred me for counselling, but there's a waiting list. I too think I need to speak to someone, rather than just taking tablets.

[Janecc]

To recap you have a fobia of being out and about so I imagine that's better if you aren't alone and your dp often can't be there because he's chronically ill. That's tough. You said your ex husband often didn't want to go out with you. Is that because you made it difficult because of your fobia or did he fear you would act out for other reasons?
As a pp said, depression is anger turned inwards and unmet childhood need. You said you don't remember your childhood. You mentioned your dad saying you were selfish for not wanting to wait in for his call. Was that a specific time or unspecified time? The circumstance make a big difference, if you wouldn't agree to a time once a week so your parents could check you were ok, that was a bit selfish. Tell us more op.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

It wasn't that I wouldn't agree a time my parents could call me, more that I wouldn't stay in on a Saturday night. I was happy to talk to them any other time.

I didn't say my exh didn't want to go out with me; I said I got upset if he went out without me .

[MrsBobDylan]

I hope the counselling is available to you soon op. You've done well to recognise your problem.

Your parents behaviour in regards to the phone call sounds very controlling...I had a difficult childhood, very controlling in lots of ways and when I first got married, I did a weird thing of wanting to do things together, even to the point of eating the same things all the time.

When I had to have counselling for an unrelated issue, we got on to my feelings of insecurity and although it took a year of weekly sessions, it was something I did manage to change (much to the relief of dh!).

Good luck - you sound like a good person, stuck in some bad behaviours, but I really believe you can work towards understanding them and ultimately, changing them.

[DontKnowWhatImDoingHere]

Thank you, I hope so too.