To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

[MaddyHatter]

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

I can't think of anything helpful to say but have some

My DD is in year 3 and was diagnosed in January with ASD and SPD. School is tough. No one has suggested parenting classes because according to everyone involved we have done a bloody good job managing her for 8 years without knowing why she was challenging. I thought I was a shit parent until DD2 came along. It was her being so well behaved that made it obvious there was more than parenting to blame for DD1's behaviour. I still feel judged and it hurts.

OP you're doing an amazing job.

If he's struggling to actually do the work but he will let someone write what he says why on earth have the school not thought of giving him a scribe?

Oh and fwiw I wasn't making any reference to any person with a disability I was meaning if I made disablist comments that would make me a cunt and as far as I was aware the use of the word cunt has never been a no go on here and someone can't make a personal attack against themselves I really hope nobody thought I was making a disablist comment

Not sure I would want to change in the toilets in our school.
Was the room built with SEN funding?

City, what's the problem with changing in the loo?

The room used to be a storage cupboard that was converted but I would be surprised if the pot of paint and bean bag wasn't obtained with the pupils allocated additional funding

City, have you read the thread?

The room is 6ft by 6ft, so practically a cupboard. As far as I can remember it was re-appropriated for the OP's ds, using his funding, to use as a calm space, not as a changing room. If the school has a problem with providing spaces to change in they need to address this using their main budget.

It was a room designated has the ops ds's calm room.

The learning mentors room could have been used for changing

if my NT dc had got to the age of 10/11 and not understood why they might need to be slightly inconvenienced when changing for PE in order to help somebody who was struggling with a distressing aspect of their SN, I would regard that as a major parenting fail on my part

What an awful stress this is for you and your son. I understand that the school probably has limited 'spare' rooms and have to juggle sometimes to meet everyones' needs. But, there should be an understanding that if the room is being used then your DS is taken to an alternative, i.e one of the offices. We have this arrangement at the school that I work at. It's a tiny school so we get little funding and have had to improvise with cushions in an alcove of a corridor! There is nowhere else that is not a classroom or assembly hall. We have a small library but that is then used by peri music teachers and by TAs delivering intervention work so space is a luxury. Having said all that, your DS has been given a plan and he needs to feel safe and confident that he can go 'somewhere' when he needs to. I think schools need much more funding to accommodate the needs of SN pupils.

Chinchilla, the room is specifically for the OP's ds, not for changing.

Sudden changes can be distressing for children with additional needs at the best of times. When the room is required for the OP's ds then that is not a good time for him to be told he can't access it. PE can be planned for. Meltdowns can't.

Children unfortunately have accidents on a regular basis on and around toilets. This must be walked around and transferred around the loos and surrounding areas. Sinks are generally soaking wet, soapy areas. Where are the girls to put their clothes? Floor or sink? Are other children not allowed to use the toilets when the older ones are changing? Do the 5 year olds wander in regardless? Are the toilets even big enough for 1/2 a class to change in?
Agree situation was poorly organised ....but space is a huge premium in majority of schools....they have to count pencils out of stock rooms and teachers are known to buy lots of resources or else the kids do without...there isn't money to throw at these issues.
Inclusion has been a money saving bodge from the beginning. It's a shame for ALL children.

YADNBU

I agree with the disabled parking reference.

City, again, the room is specifically for the OP's ds. It has been adapted from the money the school gets for funding her ds.

I started my periods at 9 and managed to get changed in a class with boys in. Maybe the boys could get changed in the gym area? There will be a solution that doesn't involve taking away this small resource that helps the OP's ds to remain in school.

Need I certainly don't think that you were making a disablist comment.

My non confrontational comment was because I've had to defend DS and shield him from comments such as those made by 2under and the others in rl and I'm sick of it now, in RL I'll tell someone they're being a twat or worse but on here I just can't be arsed because most of the goady posters will still be goady tomorrow, next week, next year.

I fully support inclusion and the rights of individuals with SEN to have an integrated education...but are parents of non-SEN children on here aware how much of a negative impact 'inclusion' (it's not inclusion btw) has had on their 'typical' child/ren. Schools need to constantly 'rob Peter to pay Paul' in all practical aspects of school life.

CitySnicker, I have already said, but am happy to repeat that if my NT child had got to the age of 10/11 and still not understood how much easier life is for him being NT, then I would have thought I had failed as a parent.

But he was quite bright enough to understand that for his wheelchair using sister or his autistic friend this was not just a question of inconvenience but about being able to function at all.

they dont though, because the LA provide a budget for the school to provide that inclusion, and when more is required, you apply for an EHC plan to get more funding.

Besides, what is the alternative to inclusion? What are you going to do with children with SN? Do you imagine there is suitable alternative provision?

And if life is so unfair to those of us without SN, why don't we just chop our legs off or something, so we can enjoy all those wonderful privileges?

there isn't money to throw at these issues.

It sounds like the fundless issue here is a nice place for the girls to change. So instead they snaffled a room that represented the funding for the OP's son, and gave it to the far less vulnerable girls, at great emotional cost to him.

By your logic, CitySnickers, I should have been wishing that my NT ds could also develop a disability so that he would not be suffering from this negative impact. Funny how I didn't...

CitySnicker, precisely what negative effect do you contend it has on other children for a store cupboard to be converted to a calm room for OP's son?

If there are negative effects in terms of funding, all that means is that funding should be improved. It doesn't mean that children with learning difficulties should be shut away so they can't impact on NT children.

City as a parent of two NT children I personally couldn't give a flying fuck what effect inclusion has on them since they are getting a free education within a system which is designed for children exactly like them. They are lucky.

I dislike inclusion because often, as evidenced on this thread, it disadvantages children with sen, who would be better in specialist provision.

MrsBobDylan puts it better than me:

"City as a parent of two NT children I personally couldn't give a flying fuck what effect inclusion has on them since they are getting a free education within a system which is designed for children exactly like them. They are lucky."