To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

[MaddyHatter]

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

I was trying to be polite and non confrontational on a public forum, however I suspect sleep is right.

Maddy

2under, if the parent of a child in a wheelchair was unable to persuade him to get out the chair and run, would you say the parent needed to go to parenting classes and the child needed to be punished? Because that is an exact parallel of OP's situation. And your post is exactly at that level of utter stupidity.

With 2under2 she must be practically an expert on parenting, especially parenting a child with additional needs.

OP, you are being amazing.

Goodness, I've just noticed elsewhere that 2under claims to work in medicine with "other medical professionals". I don't think so, somehow; no-one with that level of ignorance and inability to think could qualify as a medical professional.

I see someone with a toddler has arrived. There is always one.

Unfortunately, they can.

18 years ago, when I was trying to get my ds diagnosed, the consultant paediatrician reluctantly agreed to say ds had mild autism. This is a lad who wasn't talking at 4 and still is completely non-verbal . She didn't believe in autism. She's still in the profession.

Ignoring the ignorant/gf etc...

I'd just say approach it carefully. Because you don't want the response to be along the lines of "well if you object to anyone else using it, then it's better if he doesn't have it."

Ask if the changers can use the alternative room he was offered. They'll be much less effected by the change than he is. And ask how much it's being used other than him.
I'd say they should reverse the suspension, but it might be better using your energy to fight making sure it doesn't happen again rather than what has already happened.

2under2aagh Wed 20-Apr-16 20:54:08

Let's try this again, for the hard of thinking:

Even with the paralysed spine it's not an excuse not to walk when he is in school and the teacher tells him to.

Things happen in life he needs to be able to adjust or what is the alternative? Never go out anywhere that doesn't have disabled access?

By saying it's ok because wheelchair access could have been arranged you are in fact enabling his behaviour.

Some parenting classes are needed and I do hope you are also going to punish him

It must be tough with a child like this but he has to learn to walk at some stage in life. Everyone does!

Even with the autism diagnosis it's not an excuse to have a melt down when he is in school, in his usual routine and hasn't had anything scary or overwhelming that should of set him off

For your information the meltdown that happened today could have started off last week, or a month ago, or yesterday, and over time other things happened that meant today was the day it would all come to the fore. Its like and iceberg. There is more of it under the water and unseen than there is visible on the surface.

And on a final note - heres hoping you or yours never have an autistic child in your life because It really would be too much for them to have to live with being around you.

Hi again everyone,
Sorry it has taken us so long to get back to this thread. May we ask again in the strongest possible terms that those on the thread who are unfamiliar with the issues faced by parents of children with special needs take the time to read www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child this campaign before posting? We recognise some of the posts on here as goading and will take steps to prevent it.

Thank goodness some of the worst disabilist shite has gone, I was beginning to despair.

I was very careful not to name or suggest which posters I was referring to in my deleted post and thought I had stuck to Talk Guidelines so I'm not sure why that went but I guess MNHQ were probably getting blisters on their finger from the number of times they had to press the big red button.

(you weren't that careful, Sauv. ;D)

^

This Meltdown has been brewing since monday.. for full and honest disclosure.

They usually do this particular piece of work in the late afternoon, but did it first thing in the morning.
DS usually gets the option of doing the written work on the computer, but they have a child with a broken arm, and another that needed the computer as he speaks English as a second language and required some programme to complete the work.. so no computer for DS.
Those two things raised DS's anxiety level about the work and he decided he couldn't do it, and refused. He was also fixating on something to do with the school playground being altered.
Green/Amber

Then on tuesday he was having some sleep and sensory issues, he had a bad night and was up and down all night, initially refused to go into school, had some repaired glasses which had nose pieces which felt a bit 'off' and was also suffering with eczema which was itching, i had to go in at lunchtime to put some cream on him! He spent the morning refusing to do his work.
Amber/Red

This morning he had a horrible morning, was awake early, wouldn't get dressed, wouldn't eat his breakfast.. he was vocally stimming.. and they once again told him he needed to do this work which had now become an Anxiety trigger.
He's itchy, anxious, tired, over stimulated... his ability to process emotion had gone out the window, his auditory processing skills are dropping, he can't access his calm room, his TA is on her break. He is getting more and more upset and overwhelmed and suddenly feels under attack from a teacher trying to make him go somewhere... to do something he DOES NOT WANT TO DO as far as he is concerned.
RED

Thank you Helen!

Maryz, i've had that discussion with them before, it will be addressed again!

Maddy, I love your sense of humour! You have really made me chuckle over the parenting class.

Me, I just feel like saying 'Look, you take her for a week, sort all her problems out with your superior parenting, then return her to me, should you not be a gibbering wreck by then'.

They should know that taking away his safe place is never going to turn out well, it is the safe place of someone who cannot cope with change well, so they change things!! I cannot think of anything more harmful or stupid or more likely to cause problems!

It is like they looked at the big red button and decided to press it, FFS!

I know this will not be approved of by some, but make it clear IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT! Then cosset, spoil and enjoy time with DS, reinforcing that!

i try not to unless necessary, i do get the odd day where he completely refuses to attend, so i feel if i give him a MH day too often, then i'll end up with the EWO bothering me!

This next 3 months up to the end of the year are never good for him.. its a real roller coaster.

Sorry! YetAnotherHelenMumsnet

Can you meet with the HT or SENCO about this? I know once my DS dug his heels in about something it was going to be impossible to talk him round.

i have a feeling the troubling piece of work will be coming home with me tomorrow as part of the work they send home for him to do.

I already told the HT it will be done on the computer and emailed.. while i won't do it for him, i will scribe/type the answers he gives me.

I dont care if he's running around the room with his pants on his head and interjecting each sentence with whatever echolalia word of the day we have (its pootiss at the moment, and herp-a-derp!) or giving me a sentence and then requiring a cuddle and a biscuit... it will get done... but as his mum i have the advantage of being able to facilitate working around his quirks and ticks at home, which they can't at school!

Maddy, your poor wee boy. Having to put up with all of that. No wonder it ended in disaster and he was most definitely set up to fail.

What piece of work is so important that it should be brought up day after day, when the teacher knows it is distressing your son

Yes!

Your son is doing his best to tell them that his brain really knows he can't cope with the work.