To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

[MaddyHatter]

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

Augusta I'm just repeating what the guy from the NAS said. He said essentially it was hard to prove what was said and what was done etc that led up to a meltdown.

Augusta is correct I know several families who have had success but it's correct that it is not easy and it is mind blowingly stressful

soapbox, I completely accept that you're repeating what the NAS person said and, as I said, it is true up to a point. If a school had made all the necessary reasonable adjustments and a child was still violent, the law says exclusion is justifiable. I think it's a defect in the relevant case law, but we're stuck with it. However, if they haven't made adjustments then the exclusion is not justifiable.

What tends to happen in practice is that when schools exclude children in these circumstances they don't necessarily limit themselves to the violent act when they're giving reasons for exclusion and they may say, for instance, that they're excluding the child for violence and swearing. An SEN which leads to swearing (e.g. Tourette's) is still protected under the Equality Act and, since the school has to justify all the reasons it gives for the exclusion, if it's producing a discriminatory reason such as this the exclusion should be set aside.

Those people just can't seem to grasp the stress and fear that many children with autism are experiencing every minute of the day that they're out of their comfort zones, they'd rather resent and criticise instead. It's shameful and there's no excuse for it.

I don't think most people have the least idea that autism means chronic anxiety for most, though. I think the average conception of autism is a child who is emotionless, counts repetitively, speaks with no affect and exhibits facial stereotypes constantly. And has no interest in or empathy towards. It's a specific and very limited stereotype. So they don't begin to understand that autistic children can have absolute panic attacks, that to them look like tantrums. Because most people don't have a clue that sensory processing problems affect the great majority of autistic people.

It's ignorance. The C & I team lead came in to school and did a presentation with DS, so the other kids know about autism, and she'll come back and do another when he's older. And she said to us, when we said we hoped it would help with the prejudice, that it wouldn't just educate the kids - they would then be able to educate their parents, in many cases. And I do think perhaps that is the way forward - making disability education, and substantive and not symmetrical equality, something we teach all kids about at a young age. Even if they don't have an autistic classmate.

*And has no interest in or empathy towards others.

No, i'm not.

HTH!

2under

Some children who have monumentious meltdowns (those things that are a symptom of a disability that the person cannot control) may grow into adults who have them in the same way that children who cannot walk due to a disability grow into adults who cannot walk due to a disability.

Some will learn coping stratigies or have improvements some won't.

3 of my children are unlikely to ever have any improvement and do not have the ability to learn coping stratigies, it is a fact of life.

And no they will never be able to leave the house by themselves they will always need full time carers and wouldn't last more than a week without them.

Some times things are a reason and a excuse

Glad to hear it OP.

Honestly, 2under, your post is dripping with ignorance. SO all OP's child's problems at school are caused by her parenting, is it??? Posts like yours make me so tired.

I wouldn't be happy with suspensions if they are happening regularly. Honestly I'd be looking at different schools preferably a primary with an attached Sen class - much smaller class, work set to his pace - somewhere that will get him.

2under - wow. I will tell my DDs doctors that. I am sure hey will be amazed that there is such a simple cure they never thought of.

My DD will be disabled for life, she has no choice about that.

However you do have the choice to educate yourself and stop being so damn offensive.

A MELTDOWN IS NOT A TANTRUM. A MELTDOWN IS A PANIC ATTACK WHEN A AUTISTIC INDIVIDUAL HAS REACHED A STAGE OF UTTER AND COMPLETE OVERLOAD.

From the NAS website:

AUTISM TOP TIPS
Take time

Give the person some time – it can take a while to recover from an information overload.

Make space

Try to create a quiet, safe space as best you can. Ask people to move along and not to stare; turn off loud music and turn down bright lights.

Imagine

Imagine feeling so overloaded that you just couldn’t cope. Imagine the difference it would make if someone showed you a little kindness, rather than judging you as a naughty kid having a meltdown, or a ‘weirdo’ flapping their hands.

Please watch this. Then tell me how the parent should have managed it, and the child behaved better?

Again: a meltdown is not a tantrum. Suggesting a parent should apply the techniques that worked on your toddler is ignorant. And that is me deleting fifteen words before I arrived at one that wouldn't get me emailed by MNHQ.

Maddyhatter you have the patience of a . It's not my thread, it has no direct relevance to my child, and yet I've had to delete several fully written posts because they are more obscenity than anything else, because the ignorance and (at times) spite is so appalling.

2under you should be ashamed of that vile ignorant post.

Suggesting punishing a child for having a disability or suggseting it's down to poor parenting is despicable.

Some people could do with reading the equality act 2010 and the SEND code of practice.

2under you have no idea what you're talking about.

Some people could do with reading the equality act 2010 and the SEND code of practice.

The language would be too complex for them, never mind the ideas.

Well if I was a cunt I wouldnt go reading stuff I would just stop being a cunt, or never go out in public

Lol, Sleep.. i have seen it ALL before. Sometimes it gets to me, but today i'm actually sitting here chuckling at some of the profound ignorance people are spouting.

Parenting classes is a new one though.

I wonder what they'd teach me? How to help him dress? Apology classes when they neighbours complain about his screaming during a meltdown?
Maybe some first aid when he's punched and kicked me?
How to get him dressed and to school every day on time without having to spend the best part of an hour talking him into taking his onsie off?

I know, maybe they can teach me the appropriate way to punish him after a meltdown? Naughty Boy, how DARE he not be able to cope because of his disability!

See my eyes rolling? i think they just disappeared page right.. ->

YANBU OP

Calm rooms, Safe Rooms, Quiet rooms are common in schools and are there for kids who need time out

Take it up with the school

My DD had a red card she could place on her desk which let her teacher know she was stressed - she would use it to leave the room without fuss - except one teacher repeatedly refused to allow it - ending in lots of stress and detentions - I got involved and it stopped being an issue x

The latest ignoramus has a fair few deletions under her belt in its short time on here. I have reported.

2under2 Im speechless at your ignorance and rudeness!

There's a lot of trolling on this thread

I really think it's not worth trying to reason with them.