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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and selfish and unsharing,

118 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 11:44

Yes I probably am but I just need to vent.

When I was a little kid I loved Art, always had my stuff up on the wall in school etc. In my seventies working class childhood, Art wasn't on anyone's radar: I never had unlined paper to draw on or nice pens or pencils and paints were deemed too messy to be even considered. At high school I was deemed too academic to be allowed to do Art. Yeah I know boo hoo.

So, my own kids have always had plenty of good quality Art materials to mess around with and have actually turned out to be quite talented: one is doing an Art degree, one is doing Art A level.

All this has really resparked my interest and my lovely DH bought me some paper and brushes and a lovely set of watercolours and one of acrylics for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I will confess to spending the odd moment stroking the the box and smiling, but feeling slightly intimidated. I am planning a good mess around when we are on holiday in a few weeks time and my girls are not looking over my shoulder.

Anyhow, last night, DD announced she had an A level painting she really had to finish in college today, and had run out of some of her acrylics and could she take mine to college. I said "No, they are mine and they are lovely". I was firmly told by everyone not to be so selfish and I can get some more.

Now okay, after a bit of a You are so selfish/ No you are so entitled, row, I have backed down and the little madam has taken them off to college without a word of thanks. But I just feel a bit...trampled on, and taken for granted. Like everyone feels everything of mine is just theirs for the asking.

Ah that was cathartic. I am obviously massively unreasonable. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:

RochelleGoyle · 20/04/2016 15:30

YANBU OP. Your daughter needed to have been more organised. I mean, what if you weren't interested in art and had never been given the paints? IMO, they were your special gift and should have been absolutely off limits to anyone else.

RortyCrankle · 20/04/2016 15:36

It seems to me as someone who couldn't have children that a lot/most mothers' personalities/interests/possessions/time , etc are subsumed into the needs and wants of their family/children. It's not really surprising that some feel bereft, lost and adrift when their children fly the nest.

Do any mother's feel that or am I talking rubbish from an outside point of view?

diddl · 20/04/2016 15:38

" I do think DH is fairly innocent in all this"

Well that's something.

It read to be as if he was piling in unnecessarily.

Sorry about that.

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 15:46

No he wasn't even around last night Diddl. He did say this morning that he would have handed the paints over, but, as I said up thread, he is very stressy about keeping DD2 happy.

He was here when DD1 gave the collage to FiL though. He said he didn't really realise DD had ever really given it to us as such, and thought it was hers to do as she liked with. She did give it to us though, she acknowledged that herself.

OP posts:

DoingTheSwanThing · 20/04/2016 15:50

YWNBU at all - you're entitled to have nice things that are yours. She's almost and adult and knew she'd run out - her problem for not acquiring more sooner. Either that or I'm also terribly selfish!

diddl · 20/04/2016 15:50

Sounds as if he is taking the path of least resistance

Did your daughter just quietly place it in the room then??!!

IloveJudgeJudy · 20/04/2016 16:08

I so sympathise. My bugbear is !mainly my DD, too. She borrows loads of my stuff and, worst of all, doesn't put it back in its place. I keep telling her that the only reason she can find my stuff and not hers is that my stuff is always put back in the same place. She even uses up my stuff and doesn't tell me so when I go to use it, I can't as it's run out. I've taken to locking some of my stuff away, but obviously can't and actually don't want to, do that at all, really, but definitely can't lock everything away. I really don't know what the solution is. Your saying they only use your DH's chargers made me smile wryly as that is one of my bugbears. In fact, I've just got a new phone and am contemplating what to use to permanently mark my charger.

As for your collage, I'm just. that's so wrong. I think you need to get everyone together and make your pre-planned speech. ( good luck, I've tried a few times on various subjects, with not that great success).

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 16:10

Ha ha, no she didn't Diddl, there was a definite "Ta dah, look what I've done for you" moment.

But DH is on another planet half of the time so I can sort of believe if DD1 was happily giving the collage to FiL he wouldn't think to question it.

Actually FiL has popped in this aft and said "Was DD1 okay giving me that lovely frame I love so much?" (Possibly DH has tipped him off that I am not happy). And I have totally wimped out because he is old and poorly and said, "No that's fine, I shall get her to make me another one".

I am a hopeless doormat.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/04/2016 16:14

Well I get that tbh as it wouldn't mean as much now would it after she had given it away?

I mean it's nothing that can't be redone.

Although would a replacement mean anything now?

Canyouforgiveher · 20/04/2016 16:23

Sorry having read your last message id be getting tough now. DD1 gave away a gift she gave to you out of spite that you moved it and DD2 called you selfish for not automatically handing over something you really loved. They both need to learn a healthy dose of respect and you need to learn to stand up for yourself. How often does the selfish accusation come out when they don't get their own way/suitable levels of adoration/a willing slave?

I agree with this. Your dd is in for a bit of a land when she goes out into the real world and realises she won't get what she wants just because she wants it. Unless it was an exam which she would have failed without the paints, I would have kept them. Especially given the comment she made when you got them.

That comment about a mother being the backdrop of life for kids really resonated with me.

GoblinLittleOwl · 20/04/2016 16:26

Get painting, and use them up.
Then borrow hers.

velourvoyageur · 20/04/2016 16:41

I don't think you're U at all!!

My mum has always had loads of nice good quality art stuff and I wasn't allowed to use it. I had my own and if it got finished, I'd ask for new stuff, but couldn't just help myself to hers. I've asked recently if I can have some paint she doesn't use often and got told no. Which is perfectly reasonable and which I expected. Because they're hers!
Pisses me off when people see parents simply as mums and dads who exist to facilitate their kids' lives and not as people with their own inner lives and interests and possessions. Pretty sure if you asked to take her stuff it wouldn't be seen in the same way at all - her stuff is private, your stuff is common to the family, but it shouldn't be.

Is she going to buy them for you out of her own money then? She should, if only to make her understand that it IS skin off your back and you HAVE done her a big favour. And not to put off buying new stuff in future & depend on her mum sacrificing something of hers just because ''it's mum's'' and she'll do it because she's used to putting herself last!

gleam · 20/04/2016 18:09

That was a bit manipulative of your fil, if he used those exact words.

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 18:18

Yes he is a bit of an old sod Gleam. We have history. DD1 accused me of only being pissed off because she gave the frame to him and I don't get on with him. Possibly there is some element of truth in that. He's old and poorly now but certainly not above a bit of manipulation.

OP posts:

PeppaIsMyHero · 20/04/2016 18:24

Totally, totally, totally not being unreasonable.

If she's doing A levels then I guess she's 17ish? Time she planned ahead and bought her own bl@@dy paints, if the school's aren't good enough for her.

I assume she's going to replace whatever she uses with brand new?...

You are SO not being unreasonable.

FlyingScotsman · 20/04/2016 21:10

I don't know if your FIL is not above doing some manipulation but your dd1 certainly isn't.

I don't know how you really feel about the frame but I would let her know how her behaviour made you feel. I would tell her, in no uncertain terms, how you felt and why.
That it made you angry/sad/hurt (delete as appropriate) etc...
She needs to hear the real effect of her actions onto you.

Sometimes, it seems that children forget that their parents have feelings too and that they need to be as careful with them than with other people.
As dc1 told me before, 'Oh I know I can be more hurtful and not as careful to what I say with you because you will always forgive me'. Well yes but it is still hurtful and they need to know about it, esp at that age.

Gide · 20/04/2016 21:19

YANBU. They were yours, not hers. Presumably she is 17/18 and therefore more than able to be organised. She had mocks, big deal, she knew this piece needed doing and there's an Art supplies shop at school! Regardless of how unreliable the shop is, she knows who has the key? I think it's a shame that someone has spoilt something lovely that was for you. Presents are sacred!

RubbleBubble00 · 20/04/2016 21:39

I'd. e saying to dd that she will be going to art shop with you this weekend to replace the paints

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