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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and selfish and unsharing,

118 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 11:44

Yes I probably am but I just need to vent.

When I was a little kid I loved Art, always had my stuff up on the wall in school etc. In my seventies working class childhood, Art wasn't on anyone's radar: I never had unlined paper to draw on or nice pens or pencils and paints were deemed too messy to be even considered. At high school I was deemed too academic to be allowed to do Art. Yeah I know boo hoo.

So, my own kids have always had plenty of good quality Art materials to mess around with and have actually turned out to be quite talented: one is doing an Art degree, one is doing Art A level.

All this has really resparked my interest and my lovely DH bought me some paper and brushes and a lovely set of watercolours and one of acrylics for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I will confess to spending the odd moment stroking the the box and smiling, but feeling slightly intimidated. I am planning a good mess around when we are on holiday in a few weeks time and my girls are not looking over my shoulder.

Anyhow, last night, DD announced she had an A level painting she really had to finish in college today, and had run out of some of her acrylics and could she take mine to college. I said "No, they are mine and they are lovely". I was firmly told by everyone not to be so selfish and I can get some more.

Now okay, after a bit of a You are so selfish/ No you are so entitled, row, I have backed down and the little madam has taken them off to college without a word of thanks. But I just feel a bit...trampled on, and taken for granted. Like everyone feels everything of mine is just theirs for the asking.

Ah that was cathartic. I am obviously massively unreasonable. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 20/04/2016 13:22

I do get where you're coming from, but at the same time how often were your DC made to share nicely when they were younger? I'd bet there were plenty of times they didn't want to but were made to anyway!

Vilio · 20/04/2016 13:28

I've had similar predicaments recently about sharing. But my DS is only 6.
I want him to learn to share and be kind and I set an example of this myself

Like moving says: "I think that's a good point about ownership. I teach my children that they have autonomy over their possessions and their bodies. I do this by modelling this behaviour myself. My children do occasionally wail "but I want it!" and I say "well you can't have it because it's mine!"."

For instance, we were in the car and he was eating a chocolate. A few minutes later I started eating my bigger chocolate bar and he asked me (nicely!) if he could have some. Now, I really wanted it to myself, but as I want to set a good example of sharing, I gave him a piece.
But then, I also want him to realise that he had his already and can't expect some of mine. But what about being nice and sharing??? What a dilemma, and we have this all the time.

LumelaMme · 20/04/2016 13:32

The thing about mothers being a kind of weather/background against which the real stars of the life's narrative perform/live.
thecat, that is so true. It's a definite fight NOT to be like that.

Tinkly, I'd have done exactly what you did: handed over the paints (because it's the nice, caring, mummy thing to do), and felt totally pissed off (because she was rude, and because the paints were MINE!)

LitteRedSparke · 20/04/2016 13:32

" but at the same time how often were your DC made to share nicely when they were younger?" not their birthday presents i bet though

OP shares plenty of stuff, but these were her birthday presents she was saving and looking forward to using first! OP i hope they were / are replaced!

diddl · 20/04/2016 13:35

Yanbu.

So there would be no one at college she could borrow from?

She'll never learn to think ahead-you would have been doing her a favour by saying no!

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 13:35

Well dripping now, but when DD1 went to Uni in September, she did me a gorgeous little collage of photos of all the four kids, with herself featuring most strongly, and displayed it very prominently in the sitting room. We gave her lots of good natured stick about it being her shrine (she has a very healthy ego and is a bit of a diva).

Anyway, last week I redecorated the sitting room and, as the frame colour jarred a bit, moved it to a less prominent place until I get round to changing the frame. Cue accusations from DD1, home from Uni, of not liking it etc.

I got home from taking youngest DS out yesterday afternoon to find that FiL had been round, admired my collage, and DD1 had given it to him.

When I protested I was told I obviously didn't like it anyway and shouldn't be so selfish as to begrudge a sick old man something that he wanted. And she had made it for me anyway.

My kids really do think everything I have is theirs don't they? I'm so used to it I don't even question it very often

OP posts:

PrivatePike · 20/04/2016 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropYourSword · 20/04/2016 13:36

Not their birthday presents I bet Maybe, maybe not. I know I didn't get a lot of things throughout the year, and mainly received things for Christmas and birthday. So all of the stuff that I would have had to share would have been presents.

diddl · 20/04/2016 13:37

You can't really share paints though, can you?

If Op had already used them it might not have been an issue at all.

The'll come back used (if at all!)

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2016 13:37

Wow. I thought I was the only one! I really did! I thought that all other mothers were founts of unselfish giving and that I, alone, hid special things or felt angry on the inside when I was guilted or expected to simply overlook members of my family taking/using/eating things that were 'just for me'.

OP, YANBU. But I would have given her them, too, especially if it were a situation of failing an exam or getting a zero on a project.

It's not really the expectation of the giving itself, it's the lack of gratitude, isn't it?

mix56 · 20/04/2016 13:38

I completely understand, as my art stuff is sacred. Don't let her anywhere near the aquarelles, they are so precious!
But I have had to hand over some of my precious art & drawing equipment when projects have been urgent & no time to get to shop. I do it in the interest of DDs education. BUT, I would never EVER just lend them my art stuff, its too special to me.
Also should my OH be as enlightened and caring (unlikely) as to have bought me some new colours, or new paintbrush, they would be priceless.

Globally though, sometimes I go to get, my let's say, my tweezers, & they are gone... I search for a while & then have to ask DD, who returns them.
There are some things that are just MINE, & I really want to find them when I want them.
So not be their weather/sky is a very real lesson for them to learn.

blindsider · 20/04/2016 13:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It infuriates me that offspring due to their own thoughtlessness and lack of planning think they can just help themselves to your stuff. They never treat it properly either and you have to beg for its return rather than receiving it back with a thank you "you are a life saver...."

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/04/2016 13:42

I had a sister who used to take stuff so I'm quite territorial about what is mine

Allbymyselfagain · 20/04/2016 14:01

Sorry having read your last message id be getting tough now. DD1 gave away a gift she gave to you out of spite that you moved it and DD2 called you selfish for not automatically handing over something you really loved. They both need to learn a healthy dose of respect and you need to learn to stand up for yourself. How often does the selfish accusation come out when they don't get their own way/suitable levels of adoration/a willing slave?

steff13 · 20/04/2016 14:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. But, I'm tired of sharing all my stuff all the time. I feel like nothing I own is actually mine.

My father used to say, "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." And that's what this was, right, poor planning? She knew she was almost out/out of the paints she needed for whatever A-levels are (a test?). I probably would have initially said no, but then ultimately let her use them, provided she replaced them with new paints.

ClarkL · 20/04/2016 14:10

I work from home so have a home office, it would appear my pens, pencils, notebooks are for everyone elses taking, worse is when they leave stuff IN my office, never lots, its never messy, but enough for them to mark their territory. This morning it was trainers, to be it was like they'd pissed on the desk with their 'scent' so I put them in my sons bed to hopefully find when he goes to bed (and its massively inconvenient)
Don't get me started on them pinching my wellies then leaving across the doorway to trip over.

I would suggest buying yourself some beautiful paints and hiding them, don't tell anyone you have them. Then buy 'average' paints so they think you've replaced with that, they can then borrow the average stuff but not your specials. You can stroke and talk to them in private. OH and hide your brushes now too.
YANBU

diddl · 20/04/2016 14:12

"poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

Ooh, that's excellent.

TheHiphopopotamus · 20/04/2016 14:57

This thread has been a bit of an eye opener.

The thing about mothers being a kind of weather/background against which the real stars of the life's narrative perform/live

I'd never realised it before but this is so true.

And poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part is ace.

And OP, YANBU.

FlyingScotsman · 20/04/2016 15:04

Unfortunately, I agree with you.
Your dcs really think that nothing is ever truly yours and that they can decide for you/take over.

They also seem to be very good at using the 'don't be so selfish' card which . (Just very surprising that they both I used the same excuse/comment as to why you couldn't say Noo to them about something that is yours).

TBH I think yoou might need a chat with your DH about that, agree on a plan and have a word with your dcs about what is yours is yours and cannot be used to their liking.
I'm wondering, do they do that with their dad's stuff too? Or their siblings? (I'm guessing not)

OurBlanche · 20/04/2016 15:08

You need a chat with your DH about him putting you last and ignoring the fact that you too are a human being and cannot be expected to forever put everyone elses errors and passing fancies first.

Then you need to wander round the house looking for treasured stuff you have given to each and every one of them, reclaim it as a) they weren't using it at that moment in time b) you want it, nuff said.

Then when they moan, tell them that that is exactly how you feel whenthey assume that whatever is yours actually belings to anyone who happens to pass by!

YANBU, you are being the Family Doormat. Stop it!

SantinoRice · 20/04/2016 15:12

Errrr no WAY are you being unreasonable. It's your stuff! Your actual birthday present. I'm outraged on your behalf. Please tell me you're going to go out & buy an even bigger set?

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 15:15

I know Flying l keep remembering other incidents now and it's making me quite sad. It's like I'm having post traumatic flashbacks or something (only half joking). I think that maybe in the process of raising my girls not to be doormats, I have inadvertently become one myself. And I do not want to teach them that once you become a mother, you become a doormat. Interestingly my boys are not nearly so self centred.

I have to say, in their defence, my kids have always been great at sharing with each other: toys, books, music etc. And my two girls dip in and out of each other's clothes and make up continuously. They do take DH's chargers and batteries and stuff. Don't think he has anything else they want though.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/04/2016 15:21

Your husband & daughter sound like bullies!

Certainly your oldest knows how to put the knife in!

flanjabelle · 20/04/2016 15:25

I think I would use this as an opportunity to draw a line that can't be crossed and regain your boundaries. I would be very honest with them actually about how you feel, as if nothing is yours, and how special to you those paints were.

I would say from now on you are going to have things that are just yours, and they need to plan accordingly. Then stick to it.

Original poster

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 15:26

diddl I do think DH is fairly innocent in all this. DD1 is definitely hard work though: she can be very charming and absolutely everyone loves her and wants to be her mate/go out with her. Unfortunately it seems to be turning her head a bit and she is becoming something of a diva.

OP posts:

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