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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and selfish and unsharing,

118 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 11:44

Yes I probably am but I just need to vent.

When I was a little kid I loved Art, always had my stuff up on the wall in school etc. In my seventies working class childhood, Art wasn't on anyone's radar: I never had unlined paper to draw on or nice pens or pencils and paints were deemed too messy to be even considered. At high school I was deemed too academic to be allowed to do Art. Yeah I know boo hoo.

So, my own kids have always had plenty of good quality Art materials to mess around with and have actually turned out to be quite talented: one is doing an Art degree, one is doing Art A level.

All this has really resparked my interest and my lovely DH bought me some paper and brushes and a lovely set of watercolours and one of acrylics for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I will confess to spending the odd moment stroking the the box and smiling, but feeling slightly intimidated. I am planning a good mess around when we are on holiday in a few weeks time and my girls are not looking over my shoulder.

Anyhow, last night, DD announced she had an A level painting she really had to finish in college today, and had run out of some of her acrylics and could she take mine to college. I said "No, they are mine and they are lovely". I was firmly told by everyone not to be so selfish and I can get some more.

Now okay, after a bit of a You are so selfish/ No you are so entitled, row, I have backed down and the little madam has taken them off to college without a word of thanks. But I just feel a bit...trampled on, and taken for granted. Like everyone feels everything of mine is just theirs for the asking.

Ah that was cathartic. I am obviously massively unreasonable. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:
IrianofWay · 20/04/2016 12:49

Ensure she replaces them.

I understand totally. My time and resources are taken for granted a great deal, I put up with it mostly - if fact it isn't the 'things' that bother me more the time. I have started to take that back a bit these days

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 12:50

She is 16 though, first year A level, not 18.

OP posts:
HateTablets · 20/04/2016 12:51

HP actually I think there are things that are very personal. Underwear is a personal thing. A fountain pen is something personal. Any odd object can be something very precious, on an emotional pov.
There is no reason why you should have to share these objects with everyone in the family especially as they are likely to be damaged etc anyway

In the case of change, you can give the money back pretty quickly. Unless that person was planning to use it half an hour later, it really isn't a big issue.

That art set was something special for the OP. A b'day present that she had never used yet.
Her dd has never proposed to replaced it. The OP was just expected to give it to her wo any hesitation. Even though she really liked her art set. Even though she hadn't used it yet. Even though it meant something special for her.
Now if her dd had proposed to replace it ASAP. If she had acknowledge that she knew it was something special. Or if she had a history of being happy to share 'important' things too, then it would be different. But somehow I would be surprised if a 17yo was happy to share 'her' stuff with her mum.

RaeSkywalker · 20/04/2016 12:51

Hate the OP says "could she take mine to college", not "and she was taking mine to college"?

HPsauciness · 20/04/2016 12:54

See, I'd share pants except they wouldn't be seen dead in mine! I just don't feel like that about stuff, anything. I don't want my stuff lost or trashed, but I don't mind sharing most things.

PestilentialCat · 20/04/2016 12:54

I hate sharing my special things! YWNBU.

RaeSkywalker · 20/04/2016 12:54

Just don't back down next time OP, when your daughter gets home tell he that you won't do it again. What's done is done, yes your daughter was selfish, but all you can do is set the tone for the future now.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 12:55

To be fair, I can see why it was the best course of action in this particular case.

But I would have a word with your DH (I'm sure he also has things that are personal to him. Is he really happy to give them away wo a backward glance??)

And I would demand that your dd replace the whole art set . That shebuys it (I'm not saying out of her own money if you would normally buy all the art stuff for her. But that she has to make the effort to find it and source it and buy it) and that it needs to be done by xx day.

It might be that no one actually see how important this art set is to you. But then, if you normally are happy to give everything away wo a fuss, have they (your DH and your dd) realised that THIS meant a lot to you?

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 12:59

Well I don't mind sharing most things: they take my books, my sewing stuff, if I have a box of chocolates for my birthday I just open them and leave them in the sitting room for sharing unlike DD2 who scoff hers in her room.

Fortunately I am far too frumpy for them to nick my clothes, and they have posher make up than me anyway.

My paints though, my lovely paints...

OP posts:
OddBoots · 20/04/2016 12:59

I know what you mean, it isn't as much what she was asking for but the expectation.

It is not as sentimental but I have some laminating pouches I have been using for some diagrams I have made for my uni exams coming up, 16yo ds needed some for some AS work he is doing and hadn't organised himself to get them. He asked if he could use some of mine and actually asked before I had the chance to reply if I would need him to pop into town on his way home to replace them or if he could give me the money to get them next time I am there. I told him not to worry about the money and to help himself but I think I would have been less forthcoming if he has presumed they were his to take.

OddBoots · 20/04/2016 12:59

I know what you mean, it isn't as much what she was asking for but the expectation.

It is not as sentimental but I have some laminating pouches I have been using for some diagrams I have made for my uni exams coming up, 16yo ds needed some for some AS work he is doing and hadn't organised himself to get them. He asked if he could use some of mine and actually asked before I had the chance to reply if I would need him to pop into town on his way home to replace them or if he could give me the money to get them next time I am there. I told him not to worry about the money and to help himself but I think I would have been less forthcoming if he has presumed they were his to take.

thecatfromjapan · 20/04/2016 13:00

I completely sympathise. And I'm not going to tell you you are unreasonable.

Two things:

  1. The stuff about the options/childhood you didn't have.
  1. The thing about mothers being a kind of weather/background against which the real stars of the life's narrative perform/live. This happens to women a lot: they are often conceptualised as being real only in a material way (like a field, or plants, or animals,) not with full subjectivity - so everything they produce becomes fair game for those entitled to turn it into valuable 'stuff'. Feminism has put paid to that a bit until you become a mother - and then, all of a sudden, there is a huge pressure to give everything to others, particularly your children, again.

BUT, on the plus side, you are going to resist all that. You are going to grab your adultness with both hands, and you are boldly going to buy yourself some more acrylics, give yourself the opportunity to explore your potential, and tell yourself firmly that the future matters more than the past. And that your best gift to yourself is to take yourself seriously, treat yourself with respect, and expect others to do the same.

And, given all that, it was a very kind and generous act to lend your dd your paints. It isn't something that anyone (not your dd, not your family,) should take for granted. You gave it as a gift. I hope dd was grateful.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 13:00

Rae yep thats her dd asking.
And what was her reaction when her mum said NO?
oh, OK then. I didn't realise they were so important for you. I'll have to ask xx if I can use some of hers, if YY has some spares, or I'll have to go to school early to get some supplies/catch my Art teacher before the exams.
Or
what?!? You are going to ruin my life. It's my mock ALevel and I absolutely have to have that. I can NOT possibly use the school stuff. And anyway, you are just selfish to want to keep [your birthday present that you haven't even open yet and is nicely put away] all for yourself.

It's her reaction to the NO that is an issue. not the question.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 13:03

So you've set a precedent then! You usually share and suddenly decided not to. Your daughter was just going off past behaviour and you suddenly changed.

RaeSkywalker · 20/04/2016 13:04

Yes, and to be honest I probably would've been like that as a teenager too. I'm just saying the DD asked, she didn't physically take. The OP could've prevented her DD taking them.

OP I'm not having a go at you, I just think you'd be better off using this as a way to change things in the future. It's happened now, you can't change it.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 13:05

HP but the art set is a consumable. That means that one either her dd has used it, it will NOT be in the same state than before. Some of the stuff will have disappeared (or be used).

That's not so dissimilar to having your stuff lost or trashed = something that isn't in the same condition as before or isn't there anymore.

thecat I agree mothers are always seen as the ones to give and give so much so that it is fully expected that they will give away anything, even their most personal stuff. Everything is fair game, even the stuff that is really special for you.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 13:06

The worst thing IMO is that your DH agreed with her and agreed with her in her presence.

You'll have a hell of a time now to redress the balance TBH.

MamaMotherMummy · 20/04/2016 13:07

I have found that people in life will take as much as you give them, and think you are giving gladly, even if you feel you are making a sacrifice. They often won't return the generosity.

So I have become nice but firm. I give away expecting nothing back. Anything that makes me feel like I'm sacrificing, I stop. My stuff is my stuff. My zone is my zone. If people can't respect it or make appropriate boundaries then I have to, even if that's within my own family.

Lalalili · 20/04/2016 13:07

I would be upset too. Not so much about the sharing but the feelings of entitlement to my birthday present and lack of thanks!

If she's at the start of the A level course I would see it as an opportunity to learn organisational skills, TBH, and let her find her own solution. Sorry that your family put the guilts on you and not surprised that you're hurt OP.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/04/2016 13:11

I think you know ywbu but this is actually a great opportunity for you. You can buy some more lovely paints to stroke use at a later date for something special and now you have an open set you can dabble with without the pressure.

You can also hide the second set so nobody will know you have them and won't ask to borrow them!

TradGirl · 20/04/2016 13:12

I would have been annoyed too. And yes, I think all of us but especially mums / dads have to have boundaries and things that are theirs.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 13:13

Thankyou everyone who has replied to me. I am overwhelmed by how many people "get" it, after trying to tell myself to not be so precious and to just get over myself.

I am really going to take forward the stuff about not being the "weather/background" against which the stars perform, any more. If you think about it, it is a big part of being a good role model for my kids.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/04/2016 13:16

I think that's a good point about ownership. I teach my children that they have autonomy over their possessions and their bodies. I do this by modelling this behaviour myself. My children do occasionally wail "but I want it!" and I say "well you can't have it because it's mine!".

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 13:18

Hate DH wasn't there last night when she asked. But when I was telling him about it this morning, after she had left for college, he said I should have lent them to her. DH stresses massively about DD2 though and has an irrational idea that she used to self harm because he was a too strict and distant parent. (He wasn't)

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 20/04/2016 13:20

YANBU at all. My DCs are younger, but I do tell them now and again that some things are mine and not for them/for them to go in. I have drawers etc, nothing special in but no reason for them to open and nose through. I think it's good to raise children who don't just think everything in the house they live belongs to them.

These paints were your birthday present. Your DD clearly had her eye on them from day one and conveniently let her paints run out when she knew she would need yours. I would have said "no, but we'll nip to town/craft shop after school and get you some new ones." As it is, I'd be making her replace your birthday present.