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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and selfish and unsharing,

118 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 11:44

Yes I probably am but I just need to vent.

When I was a little kid I loved Art, always had my stuff up on the wall in school etc. In my seventies working class childhood, Art wasn't on anyone's radar: I never had unlined paper to draw on or nice pens or pencils and paints were deemed too messy to be even considered. At high school I was deemed too academic to be allowed to do Art. Yeah I know boo hoo.

So, my own kids have always had plenty of good quality Art materials to mess around with and have actually turned out to be quite talented: one is doing an Art degree, one is doing Art A level.

All this has really resparked my interest and my lovely DH bought me some paper and brushes and a lovely set of watercolours and one of acrylics for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I will confess to spending the odd moment stroking the the box and smiling, but feeling slightly intimidated. I am planning a good mess around when we are on holiday in a few weeks time and my girls are not looking over my shoulder.

Anyhow, last night, DD announced she had an A level painting she really had to finish in college today, and had run out of some of her acrylics and could she take mine to college. I said "No, they are mine and they are lovely". I was firmly told by everyone not to be so selfish and I can get some more.

Now okay, after a bit of a You are so selfish/ No you are so entitled, row, I have backed down and the little madam has taken them off to college without a word of thanks. But I just feel a bit...trampled on, and taken for granted. Like everyone feels everything of mine is just theirs for the asking.

Ah that was cathartic. I am obviously massively unreasonable. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/04/2016 12:21

I was the same and now have a whole craft room full of lovely paints, pencils, inks and all sorts. My DD aged 10 still always asks before using and says thanks. She was entitled and rude and disorganised. She put the artwork in jeopardy by being disorganised not you.

I would prob have allowed her to use them on condition of immediate replacement at her expense through allowance of whatever. Hate entitled people

TwentyCupsOfTea · 20/04/2016 12:22

I agree with Costa. She should have been more prepared. Your things are not other people's back up!

SnakeWitch · 20/04/2016 12:23

I think your family were unfair expecting you to sacrifice something you treasured with a cheery smile. She could probably have replaced her own acrylics with a bit of thought and effort I guess, rather than announcing she needed yours but that was easier. I reckon accept you had to give in this time and have a talk with your family about taking you for granted.

RaeSkywalker · 20/04/2016 12:23

She asked, she didn't just take. Your DD needed something in an emergency which you had already- I do think you're being a (little) U. She didn't plan properly but that's something a lot of teenagers are guilty of.

Ask her to replace them and make it clear that this is a one-off and you expect her to plan better in future. If she doesn't replace or makes the same error again, then you have grounds to be annoyed.

Taking a wild stab in the dark- this isn't just about paints though is it?

RaeSkywalker · 20/04/2016 12:25

I do understand why you're upset OP- it just sounds like there's more going on here Flowers

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/04/2016 12:25

Not unreasonable at all. She didn't worry about sorting her paints as in the back of her mind she knew you had yours and she could nab those. I would have said no but I am harsh like that!

You are entitled to have things that are just yours. We are not talking about little children and I think your dd needs to take responsibility.

I think it is important for our 'growing up' children to see us and our things as requiring their respect.

Paperbacked · 20/04/2016 12:28

More women should be more selfish more of the time, imo. The world would be a less unequal place if more women ringfenced their own, private passions and interests against the encroachments of family/expectations of female unselfishness etc.

Don't let this become a symbol of your own lost youthful potential, though, OP. Get painting. Admit it, you're also cross because your children are getting opportunities you were denied. Seize your own asap.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 12:28

I agree with costa. I would have refused to give that to her.

She is doing her Alevel. Next year, I assume she will be living on her own. There will be no one there to think ahead for her and buy the supplies she needs ahead of time.
Nothing like making a mistake to teach you to be careful IMO.

Now what I would do now is to ask her to replace said art set she borough by a new one (the same one or the very least the same quality, not something shearer or what she would buy for herself normally iyswim!!) so that you can enjoy doing your drawings as you please.
And I would make it clear that she is NOT to use them ever again, ALevel or not.

I mean, would she use one of your pair of pants or a bras because she had forgotten to put her stuff in wash? I doubt so. Same logic applies there.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/04/2016 12:28

YANBU. I would have given them to her if I genuinely wasn't going to use them straight away but only on the condition she bought me the exact same brand new set and they arrived before my holiday.

HateTablets · 20/04/2016 12:29

Rae she didn't ask. She expected her mum to do so and then played the guilt card to get what she wanted.
That's very different than asking and accepting a NO.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/04/2016 12:29

oh, and your family was completely unreasonable to get involved.

MeDownSouth · 20/04/2016 12:32

If it was a set you had lying around then I'd say fair enough, but to ask could she have your brand new, unopened birthday present? Seems a bit off.
Having done A level art I get the drama that goes with it, but I'd never have dreamed of asking Mum could I take one of her birthday presents (of any sort).

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/04/2016 12:32

If DH joined in the 'you're so selfish' rant then he needs to buy you a new set exactly the same. If he didn't then DD should replace at least the tubes she used.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 12:33

Wow, I am actually genuinely surprised at all these responses. Talk about harsh parenting!

shovetheholly · 20/04/2016 12:33

Tell your DH what happened and get him to buy another lot and hide them!

You sound like a lovely and very selfless Mum, but that's all the more reason for you to have your own things and space!

Oh, and GET ON WITH THE PAINTING! Screw the teenage critics!! Grin

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 12:36

This is why there is the stereotype of the selfish old person isn't it? They've probably spent their whole lives sharing too Smile

I have sharing fatigue.

OP posts:
houseeveryweekend · 20/04/2016 12:39

Aww its not selfish or unreasonable to feel that way but I suppose it would have been to not let her take them. You did the right thing but it is difficult because kids do just assume everything of yours is theirs and they don't realise until much older what that feels like. If/when she becomes a mother herself then she will truly appreciate the stuff you did for her like this. I don't think anyone should have been calling you selfish for being hesitant about it though that's awful. It sounds like theres a bit of friction between you and DD over who's the artist. Daughters and mothers can be quite competitive theres no need for your family to feed into that by putting pressure on you by calling you selfish theyd have done better to stay out of it. I know it must be difficult seeing your daughter get so much support and encouragement when you never got any and seeing that she doesn't know the value of this support and encouragement yet and cant understand what you went through. One day she will see it though. xx

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2016 12:39

YANBU but you also did the right thing in letting DD use the materials.

coffeeisnectar · 20/04/2016 12:40

She's either 18 or nearly 18 and couldn't anticipate that with her exams coming up that she would need art supplies?

I'd have felt the same as you. Anytime I get anything new the dc surround me expecting to 'share'. And I just think no, this is mine. You have shitloads of nice stuff, way more than me and if I want to keep my bathbombs for me then I will.

YANBU.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/04/2016 12:42

Not harsh parenting imo but rather helping your nearly adult young person to take care of themselves, organise their own time and learn to take responsibility.

(On a side note - I was watching master chef the other day and this man (30's?) was struggling to get everything done and said, in a panic, 'spoon, can someone get me a spoon' - this when everyone else in the room was busy doing their own thing too. He somehow felt justified that his need for a spoon should be met by someone else. He struck me of someone who other people had run around for his whole life.)

HPsauciness · 20/04/2016 12:42

Plenty of times, I've 'borrowed' back pocket money/children's money if we are in a car park and I haven't got change, or need a quick pint of milk, with their permission of course.

I wouldn't have a problem with sharing paints, or clothes or anything- we all tend to share stuff and my children are extremely generous to me, and even share things with each other (sometimes less enthusiastically but they always do).

I hate this 'what's mine is mine' mentality, really, I'd be disappointed if one person in the family had a solution to a problem and refused to share.

HPsauciness · 20/04/2016 12:45

I also agree that women esp mums need to be more selfish more of the time by carving out their own time at home, their own importance in the household instead of living a life of sacrifice where you then get resentful as you have given too much. You need to start early though- and to me, sharing resources in a family doesn't mean you can't also be a bit selfish/have your needs met in different ways.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 12:46

Not harsh parenting imo but rather helping your nearly adult young person to take care of themselves, organise their own time and learn to take responsibility.

And in the process potentially risking their A level course work. There's a time and place for teaching a lesson, you don't finally decide to do so because they ask to borrow something from you and you're miffed.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/04/2016 12:47

DH wasn't there by the way but said this morning that I should have just handed them over. DD1 was there and putting her two pennorth in. But she is doing an Art degree and nice paints are nothing special to her.

Bit of a drip but DD2 has had issues in the past (though fine for a couple of years). Us being pushovers behaving in a demonstrably, overtly caring way seems to make her more secure and stable. We have maybe fallen into ways that we will have to start to gently correct.

OP posts:
wiccamum · 20/04/2016 12:49

Hahaha, I saw that episode of masterchef! Hilarious! We keep shouting that in our house, with our hands on our heads going " two spoons, anybody, I need spoons".

YANBU. I feel the same about my sketching pencils, but they still end up in DDs room! She always says "but mummy, I never see you using them".

That's because I'm too busy running around for everyone else, and can never bloody find them!!