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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH go back on his decision about a family house?

92 replies

Herzie29 · 19/04/2016 22:50

I am livid. DH has agreed with his family to contribute 4 grand a year towards a family holiday house. He did not discuss it with me.

DH's family are quite well off and his parents have owned a house abroad for many years. FIL is now getting on and no longer wants the hassle and expense of maintaining it so has offered his DCs ( DH and his 2 DSIS) the option of taking it over or he will sell it and as I understood it the proceeds to be divided between DH and his DSIS's.

DH's DSIS are also well off, but we are not so much. I am currently a SAHM and DH is self employed. His work is quite well paid but can be very erratic. originally DSISs said they would like to sell and My DH went along with this as there is no way he could take it on by himself. The house went up for sale and there has now been an offer. Suddenly faced with loosing it they have decided to keep it and share the costs.

DH said at the weekend that the share was 4K a year and that a decision had to be made this week. He has now admitted that he is already committed to it! WTF? Did he not think it should be a joint decision?

I know he is emotionally attached to the house ( although it's not a childhood home or anything) but... I only just tolerate the house when I have stayed there for free. It is in a country where neither of us speak the language. It is in a ski area and I don't ski ( and DCs won't be old enough to ski for a few years yet). I don't want to be committed to every holiday there for the foreseeable and to be honest we won't be able to afford to go anywhere else now. And it's full of spiders and far from child friendly!

We are far from financially secure and don't have pensions etc...

AIBU to think that this should come before a holiday home ( that I really don't want) and that he need to go and grovel to his family?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/04/2016 22:55

I think you should discuss it. A lot maybe. To get him on board with your point of view.

I don't think you should make him go back on his decision. Unless he's in agreement.

Duckdeamon · 19/04/2016 22:55

yANBU. Outrageous of him to seek to make such a big financial commitment without a joint decision.

He doesn't need to grovel, a verbal promise won't be legally binding, he just needs to explain he can't afford it and won't be doing it!

WonderingAspie · 19/04/2016 23:06

YANBU. He isn't committed. He has told them yes. He needs to go back and tell them he cannot commit to something that costs 4k a year with his unpredictable earnings.

If it was a nice villa then maybe but it sounds awful. I wouldn't want to holiday there every year either.

RealityCheque · 19/04/2016 23:10

Is it an option to rent some of his 'third' out to cover the costs?

It sounds like it could also potentially provide a retirement income?

Original poster
Herzie29 · 19/04/2016 23:13

Wandering - yes if it was nice and by the sea I might be more keen. As it is we are all scared of the stairs there after DH fell down them carrying DD as baby. ( he was off work for 6 months and still limps now...) It doesn't make for a restful holiday.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 19/04/2016 23:16

YANBU - I would be furious if my DH had committed to that kind of expense without talking about it.

I would say though, that it is probably very emotionally charged for your DH, so going into the conflict from a very rational pov will probably not help. Maybe talk about how you need, as a family, to find something that has the same resonance for all of you, not something that's just about his history.

Original poster
Herzie29 · 19/04/2016 23:19

Reality - the family are very funny about it being rented out although the SILs are talking about doing it up so they can let it to ' friends'. I see this getting complicated as I don't think we know enough people who would want an expensive week away (it is pretty large). I am also concerned that their idea of a makeover could make the spend go through the roof (judging by their taste in their own houses) and although they have said that DH doesn't need to contribute now for that it will likely come out if his share in the end.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/04/2016 23:27

Put your foot down and insist he pulls out.
I doubt he is really "committed", he has probably agreed to it verbally, so he can tell them he's changed his mind. He is not actually committed until he's signed the paperwork and/or paid the money.

Gide · 19/04/2016 23:31

Id be very annoyed if the DH did this without reference to me (especially as I earn more). I would try to persuade him out of it. Why not sell and split the equity?

BeaufortBelle · 19/04/2016 23:35

Do you have to be a sahm?

Original poster
Herzie29 · 19/04/2016 23:39

Beaufort. - not for ever, but at the moment my earnings wouldn't even cover childcare. I'm not sure I'd want to go back to work just to pay for this house either.

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 19/04/2016 23:42

I'd be livid.

It sounds as if you won't even enjoy going there and he knows that so why would you spend £4,000 a year on something you don't like?

You need to have a serious chat and tell him you don't want to do it.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2016 23:43

If his sisters can't (or don't want to) take it on between the two of them, the family should stick to the original plan to sell and split the proceeds three ways. From an IHT POV, if their father is likely to live more than 7 years, it would benefit everyone financially to sell now. It would be particularly beneficial to you and DH as you could use the money to put in pensions or another investment for your future financial security.

It is a complete "heart over head" decision which is fine if you can afford it (like his sisters) but not if you can't (like him).

Are there other times he's tried to keep up with them financially despite not being able to afford it?

BombadierFritz · 19/04/2016 23:49

Your dad could sell it to them for the same price as the offer, then split the money three ways between you (or just keep it). That way, each sister would need to contribute 1/6 of the price, so not too much

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2016 00:00

Write a list of why it isn't a good idea:

We can't afford it
I don't want to go on holiday there every year
The children won't enjoy going there
The staircase is dangerous

Anything else?

Then sit down with him and go through the list. Try to stay calm and logical and steer away from criticising his family, just emphasise that this doesn't work for your family.

The most important factor is that you can't afford it and this is the reason that he should give his family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2016 00:26

God, I'd go through the roof about this as well!!

Fine if £4k is chump change, and you can do it without it materially affecting your daily life, but that's not the case, is it. So no, your DH shouldn't have agreed to it, it's ridiculous! What happens when he can't stump up his share? Will his sibs take him to court for non-payment? Will they have a watertight legal agreement drawn up for it, or will it be on an ad hoc (and very fucking dodgy) basis?

No. Just no way. He hasn't thought this through, he might have been pressured into it but the reason he didn't tell you is because deep down, he knows it's fucking stupid and he didn't want you to tell him so.

Sit down and have a VERY long and hard conversation with him, but prior to that, have lists of all the cons (and whatever pros there are) to hand. Don't let him bluster over you, make it all very clear how you feel and how it could all go very fucking horribly wrong.

Alasalas2 · 20/04/2016 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/04/2016 00:36

Could DH negotiate a smaller stake or ask his df to maintain a third share that he inherits?

ohtheholidays · 20/04/2016 01:01

OP if your fIL was going to sell the property anyways and split the money between your DH and your Sil's why have you all got to chip in £12,000 a year now?

That doesn't make sense to me and YANBU in anyway possible,I'm not surpised you don't want to stay there the fall your DH had on the stairs sounds like it was quite nasty.

NightWanderer · 20/04/2016 01:03

A friend of mine lets through air B and B. I don't know, it's an option.

NameChange30 · 20/04/2016 01:05

It's an option if you can afford to own the place in the first place! And should be lower priority than paying the mortgage, saving emergency funds and investing in a pension.

Cressandra · 20/04/2016 01:15

You're right to put pensions over holiday homes IMO, and of course it's your decision too. And it does sound like this could cost £££ - cost of doing it up long distance could easily spiral.

But WonderingAspie makes an incisive point. He hasn't actually committed to it yet, he's just told his family he'll do it. If he's embarrassed at being less well off, tell him he can blame you when explaining it to his sisters - give him a face-saving "out" if he needs it.

Blu · 20/04/2016 05:55

It costs £12k a year to run? That's madness. For it to languish empty most of the time? So that in effect a week's holiday would cost you £4k plus air fares?
It sounds a terrible deal, however you look at it.
Show him that by the time your baby is 10 he will have spent £40k.
With overheads of £1k a month plus cost of doing-up they will never make money on rentals.
I would sit down and explain how worried you are
By such a commitment.

Blu · 20/04/2016 06:05

And I think I would tell him that a £4k a year commitment to hanging on to his childhood 'inheritance' will cost £xxk by the time your children are 18, and is seriously undermining THEIR potential inheritance.

I just don't understand how it can cost £12k a year running costs.

YADNBU!

Lighteningirll · 20/04/2016 06:18

Another one here failing to understand why it's £4,000 a year, and I think you are being a very tiny bit u. It's a ski lodge, a fantastic holiday whereby dc and dh go off all day whilst I sit and read or mooch about child free. Does the £4,000 include your flights to get there pay for a car as well it seems very high.