To make DH go back on his decision about a family house?

[Herzie29]

I am livid. DH has agreed with his family to contribute 4 grand a year towards a family holiday house. He did not discuss it with me.

DH's family are quite well off and his parents have owned a house abroad for many years. FIL is now getting on and no longer wants the hassle and expense of maintaining it so has offered his DCs ( DH and his 2 DSIS) the option of taking it over or he will sell it and as I understood it the proceeds to be divided between DH and his DSIS's.

DH's DSIS are also well off, but we are not so much. I am currently a SAHM and DH is self employed. His work is quite well paid but can be very erratic. originally DSISs said they would like to sell and My DH went along with this as there is no way he could take it on by himself. The house went up for sale and there has now been an offer. Suddenly faced with loosing it they have decided to keep it and share the costs.

DH said at the weekend that the share was 4K a year and that a decision had to be made this week. He has now admitted that he is already committed to it! WTF? Did he not think it should be a joint decision?

I know he is emotionally attached to the house ( although it's not a childhood home or anything) but... I only just tolerate the house when I have stayed there for free. It is in a country where neither of us speak the language. It is in a ski area and I don't ski ( and DCs won't be old enough to ski for a few years yet). I don't want to be committed to every holiday there for the foreseeable and to be honest we won't be able to afford to go anywhere else now. And it's full of spiders and far from child friendly!

We are far from financially secure and don't have pensions etc...

AIBU to think that this should come before a holiday home ( that I really don't want) and that he need to go and grovel to his family?

Difficult to say if it is a bad deal without knowing where and what it is and what the potential rentals are. Ours is done up and we've developed some other buildings into rentals and it covers its costs (just) and has become our second home.

Difficult to comment without knowing if it could prove to be a worthwhile investment.

Can you get a breakdown of why it would cost that much?

Maybe if it was done up a bit you could rent it out, or would enjoy going there yourself.

It sounds like a money pit, and I bet some of that £12K is tax and local services, meaning they will not be optional expenditure, even in a lean year. Those, in a language you don't speak, and builders using a language you don't speak (there should be no letting out a dangerous property on airbnb, or even to "friends"!) will end up costing more because of misunderstandings, perhaps loopholes missed, inability to bargain... FIL wants out of the hassle (and he hasn't even kept the place in good repair!), and so should you!

He's been very selfish. No way should you pay for something you don't want. he knew you wouldn't agree and that's why he went behind your back.

That would be a deal breaker for me. If he doesn't back down I'd be off. Selfish prick.

Lighteningirll - it's only a fantastic holiday if you like that sort of thing. And if you have 4 grand a year for any sort of holiday. If you don't earn enough to cover it, and especially if it's somewhere you don't like, then it's not fantastic.
We just wouldn't have 4 grand a year under any circumstances (could possibly stretch to £500 a year, maybe). I would be about ready to throw DH out if he agreed to spend that kind of money on a place I didn't even like (and the OP has been there - she does know the place so she's not dismissing it out of hand).
OP - YANBU. That kind of money needs discussion and agreement. 40 quid, he can go ahead. But not 4000.

I think given he supports his family and your a sahm I think he can make his own decision about something that is part of his family. I think he is pulling his weight already by being the breadwinner in the house and keeping a roof over your head. If your struggling as a family maybe you need to go back to work instead of keeping more of the money he earns and trying to limit what he spends it on.

I think given he supports his family and your a sahm I think he can make his own decision about something that is part of his family. I think he is pulling his weight already by being the breadwinner in the house and keeping a roof over your head. If your struggling as a family maybe you need to go back to work instead of keeping more of the money he earns and trying to limit what he spends it on.

Good God, Peggy, you've come out with some lines in your time but that one...!

Peggy love - Stepford is that way

Peggy WTAF!!

I think the only response to that comment is to laugh your head off because it's so fucking 1950s.

What's the 4 grand for?

whatever, blah blah blah...

OP is trying to control what her DH does, that's wrong.

OP you mention you don't have pensions but what are you doing about your pension? Or is it up to your DH to fund that too?

Peggy - WTF. You do know the OP's children are just as much her DH's children as they are hers? It is not his money to spend, it's their family money. Her DH can't just commit to £4K a year on some stupid holiday home without consulting her first.

Who uses the house now? Is it rented out and does it make any money? Why does it cost so much? Can it be used in the summer? A lot of people hike and mountain bike in ski areas in the summer.

Unless you like skiing a lot it is madness to have your own property for such a purpose. Do the SILs ski? You would have to be going some to be spending £4k a year on accomodation alone for your own purposes.

Another vote for sell it and have done with it.

It sounds very expensive, does this include the mortgage, etc?

I think you need to look also at the tax position of this, as it may cause issues

Hahaha Peggy. Top trolling.

Inheritance laws - vary by country. There is a possibility that (especially if your in-laws are foreign), you could be subject to the foreign inheritance law, and if you aren't very careful about how the agreements are drawn up, could even end up paying double tax, so if keep the place on, do talk to a solicitor.

We are in a similar(ish) situation with a shared holiday place we, due to distance, can only use once a year. However - and this is a whole thread by itself - my dh feels very strongly that whilst his salary goes to the whole family, anything inheritance related, from his rather wealthy family, is his decision alone. Fortunately, whilst it wouldn't have been my choice exactly, it is not going to impact on our finances too much.

Can't really help, but I DO understand your pain here.

£12k/yr running costs seems abnormally high, unless this includes required repair work and they've spread the cost out?

We do that too pollaidh - salaries shared but inheritances are the decision of the inheritor only. I can see how it is complicated in this case though as the upkeep is coming out of salary. I still think my idea will work - sisters buy him out, in effect

sorry I thought MN was all about feminism, standing up for a woman in a modern world, equal rights etc. - but only if the men folk pay for it eh? [insert shaking head smiley] yay!

What does the £12k cover? That seems extremely high - are they buying it from the parents in instalments?

£4k a year would buy your family a lovely holiday (or two) every year or even pay towards a holiday home of your own that you actually like and want. There's no way I'd commit to that amount of money for somewhere that I'm not particularly keen on. Does your DH like holidaying there, or does he just not want to say no to his family?

I've tried asking what the 4 grand is for and be told it's what FIL reckons it cost and some contingency money. I've said I'd want a full break down, to know exactly what we are responsible for.

For SIL it's maybe the difference for swapping one of their weeks in Val d'Isere for one at this house. And maybe cutting their trips to the Bahamas from 3 to 2...

We do go there in the summer but to be honest after going at least twice a year for the last 5 years I am frankly bored with the village it's in and the very long drive to go anywhere else. I love the sea and water sports ( as does DH...) and it seems sad that the DCs could miss out on this just to get a weeks skiing - which I think they are too young for. ( 2 and 6 months).

If it could be rented out I would consider it, although I am not looking forward to the admin/hassle that goes with it- especially as we don't speak the language.

I'm going to ignore Peggy. But if anyone else is wondering...Of course I would go back to work if we needed me too. Just not for this! And yes I do expect DH to contribute to our savings for later life. In any case I would not even clear childcare costs before we take some additional needs into account. ( state sector professional = Not even close to 2 lots of childcare round here) also if anyone else this DH is hard done buy he bought himself a new toy at the weekend to the tune of 1000 ( which to be fair I did know about, just not realise how much!) as a treat for this job!

OP if your fIL was going to sell the property anyways and split the money between your DH and your Sil's why have you all got to chip in £12,000 a year now?

I assume he doesnt want to keep spending cash- maybe he doesnt have it to spend. He's currently got outflows of £12k per year. If he sells it, that goes to zero.

The whole "might do it up and let it out to friends" thing is a recipe for disaster. Either agree to keep it, allocate each sibling 2 weeks each (which they can choose to take or release) and let it out commerically the rest of the time (split the profits), or just let it go and split the proceeds.

I agree that 4k a year for upkeep of a house you dont want to use is crazy.

We have a holiday home we use a couple of weeks a year. We rent it out the rest of the time and it clears a good profit even after agency/ cleaning costs. It does depend on how much of a "season" it has - i.e. if it's like Chamonix which is a year round resort, or somewhere that has no summer season.

Good god Peggy, where are you posting from, the 1850s?

OP, yanbu. This should absolutely be a joint decision and he's massively overstepped the line by committing without consulting. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the actual decision, this point still stands.

This is more about the 4000 pound a year (per 1/3 share in the property) outgoing cost than what to do with an inheritance isn't it?

Does FIL actually even own the property outright or is a chunk of the 1000 a month mortgage repayments?

It needs to be sold ime simply because those running costs for a house not even in a condition to rent out are plain stupid unless you have money trees handy :o

If the sisters don't want to sell a solicitor needs to help draw up a for buy out I suppose - 1/3 of what the potential buyer offered minus 1/3 of outstanding mortgage. If they can't do that they just have to sell up. They can have lots of skiing and hiking holidays with 4 k per year plus whatever capital they get out of it.

peggy are you a surrendered wife?

Cressandra
"If he's embarrassed at being less well off, tell him he can blame you when explaining it to his sisters - give him a face-saving "out" if he needs it."
Sorry what?! He should blame it all on his wife because he's embarrassed?!
Or he could own his financial situation and the fact that he is in a relationship, has discussed it with his wife, and they have jointly decided against it.

Based on your latest update, OP, it sounds like the sisters are so well off that they could easily buy out your DH. If they don't want to sell they could do that. As a PP said they would only have to cough up 1/6 each.